Denying the Inevitable

As I sat in front of the vanity mirror staring at myself I had an out of body experience. I felt like I was standing off to the side watching everything that was going on in the room around me. My mother, talking about potential sites for perfect wedding pictures with the photographer. My dad, trying with all of his might to get his tie on straight rather than the crooked angle that it insisted on being at. Brayden, sitting at a rather small table stuffing his face. Rita, sitting directly behind me just watching me. That’s when I snapped out of it. I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts together. When I felt a hand on my shoulder I jumped.

“OH!” Rita exclaimed. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you!”

“That’s okay!” I told her with a hand over my fast beating heart. “I’m just a little jumpy, that’s all.” As I tried to explain Rita’s head tilted to the side and her eyes softened sympathetically.

“Rita I’m fine! I’m perfectly happy. Okay?” I exclaimed. I was starting to get really frustrated with her. This was my wedding day! I shouldn’t have people looking at me like they’re sorry for me! They should be looking at me with nothing but happiness in their eyes. I am about to start the rest of my life! This is supposed to be the happiest, greatest day of my life. I don’t need people feeling bad for me.

“I just wanted to tell you that if this is really what you want...then I am happy for you.”

“Well...it is.” I told her with a smile. “Thank you.” I stood up and hugged her tightly. I knew she meant well.

“Brooklyn!” My mother called. “Brooklyn it’s almost noon. You need to get your dress on. Everybody! Everybody, we need to leave so that Brooklyn can get her dress on!” I nodded as, one by one, everyone in the room kissed me on the cheek and made their way out; giving me my privacy.

“Bray!” I called almost frantically as he stepped through the door.

“Yah, B?”

“Stay with me?” I asked, suddenly feeling like I was going to be sick. He nodded and stepped back into the room, closing the door behind him. I smiled weakly at him and took my dress into the bathroom to get ready. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and put my head between my knees; the sudden urge to throw up was unbearable.

“I’ll be out here if you need any help.” Brayden assured me through the closed door. I knew he would be. Brayden never needed to tell me things like that. I knew if I needed anything, anything at all, then he would be there for me. He always had been, and right now I needed him here. I needed him here because I knew he had my best interest at heart.

I stepped out of the bathroom and the minute I did Brayden’s mouth dropped. “What? Do I look that bad?” I asked.

“You look...you look gorgeous Brooke. Nathan is one lucky man.” I turned to look at myself in the full length mirror and I didn’t have the reaction that my best friend did. My heart didn’t jump when I saw myself in this dress, all done up. A smile didn’t form at the corners of my lips. Sure I was shaky, but not with joyful anticipation. Yes there were tears forming in my eyes...but they were not tears of happiness. I turned around quickly to face Brayden, but before I could say anything he gripped my upper arms and spoke.

“Brooke, Brooklyn calm down!” He ordered, picking up on my uneasiness. Of course he had. He’s probably the only person on this earth that knows me inside and out better even than I know myself.

“Brayden, I..”

“Stop it! You love Nathan. This is your wedding day, Brooklyn! This is the day you’ve been planning since you were a little girl and it’s finally here!” He told me. He smiled at me and wiped the few tears off of my cheeks that had managed to escape. “Thank god for water proof mascara, huh?” For the first time today I let myself laugh. I threw my arms around Brayden and held on tight.

“Thank you.” I told him. “I love you Bray.”

“I love you too, B. It’s just cold feet. You’re supposed to be a little nervous today. It’s no big deal.” I nodded wildly, trying to believe what he had said. “I’m going to go get everyone. Your mom wants some pictures before this starts.” Just like that he hurried out the room leaving me standing there staring at myself in the mirror.

It’s my wedding day. Shouldn’t I be excited? Shouldn’t I be thinking that the time isn’t passing fast enough, rather than wishing it would slow down? Shouldn’t I want to be here rather than wishing I was anywhere else? Brayden was right...this was the day I had been planning since I was a little girl. The only problem is that it’s all wrong.

“Oh my god!” My mom exclaimed as she rushed towards me with tears in her eyes. “Look at you!” She squealed, pulling me tight to her. I glanced at my father over my mother’s shoulder and that was it. Seeing the tears in his eyes broke the dam and my own tears started coming uncontrollably.

“Don’t cry Daddy.” I said as I threw myself into his arms.

“You just look so beautiful sweetheart.” He told me with a kiss to the top of my head. I turned and looked at the handful of people in the room all staring back at me. Every one of us were either crying or had tears in our eyes and all for different reasons. My mom, because she knew just what this day was supposed to mean to a woman. My dad, because his little girl was all grown up. Brayden, because even though he pretended to know that this was the right thing...he was just as unsure as I was. And Rita, because she knew that this shouldn’t be happening.

As my heart pounded so hard in my chest that it threatened to break through, I managed to speak in a tiny, miniscule voice. “I need to see Nathan.”

After fighting my mother I managed to get to Nathan. ‘It’s bad luck to let him see you before the wedding, Brooklyn!’ She protested. At this point, bad luck and superstitions were the last thing I cared about. And, despite what Brayden said, what I was feeling was much more than just cold feet. I highly doubted that everyone is supposed to feel what I’m feeling right now on their wedding day.

I made my way into Nathan’s room and found him sitting, staring out the window. He stood up upon seeing me. “Brooklyn! What...what are you doing here?!”

“Nathan, I..”

“It doesn’t matter!” He told me as he hurried to me and pulled me into a tight hug. “You look amazing, baby! God! I can’t wait for today to be over so we can finally be Mr and Mrs..”

“Nathan, stop!” He took a step back and stared at me, shocked at my little outburst. I walked across the room and sat on the couch. “Where do you see us in ten years?” I asked, realizing that Nathan and I never once have talked about the future. I have no idea what he wants in life. I just assumed that we wanted the same things.

“Uhm...” He mumbled, sitting next to me. “Well...ideally I would have a regular sports broadcast. You know, my own sports highlights or interview segment.” I nodded.

“And what about us?”

“Us? Well...we’ll be together, of course. You’ll be a very successful Massage Therapist with your own practice and we’ll both be so busy that we’ll..”

“That’s not what I want.” I told him.

“Well...where do you see us in ten years?” I took a deep breath. I knew exactly what I wanted.

“I want kids. In ten years I want to be a mom. I want my life to revolve around family.”

“But I thought you wanted to be a..”

“I want to run a practice out of the house. Just have a few clients here and there.”

“Well that’s great, Brooke, but why are we talking about this now?” He asked me completely and utterly confused.

“Beacause, Nathan! This is something we should have talked about a long time ago.”

“So you want to have kids and work from home. Great! There. We talked about it.” I shook my head at just how nonchalant he sounded.

“This is serious, Nathan!”

“No. It’s not, Brooklyn. What’s serious is that you’re in here an hour before our wedding arguing with me! What’s really going on here?!” I wiped furiously at the tears that were cascading over my cheeks. I had to fix this. I had to make things right again.

“I just...I can’t do this.”