Status: Complete
The Reason Is You
I've Found A Reason For Me, To Change Who I Used To Be
“Zack, c’mon Zack, wait!” I called after the strawberry blonde who had just stormed out of the room seconds before, “Please, Zack, wait!”
I jumped off the couch I was planted on, gently shoved away the yellow-haired girl I had just been making out with, and rushed out to catch up with the retreating bassist. Slamming the door behind me, as Zack had done, I jogged down the hall and caught up with Zack. I put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.
“Zack… Just hear me out,” I pleaded quietly.
“Why should I?” Zack’s voice cracked and it was obvious that he was trying not to cry.
“Just… Just please, listen to me…” I couldn’t even supply a decent answer as to why he should even care about what I have to say.
He turned and looked at me, green eyes close to letting tears spill over, and said, “No, Alex, I can’t listen. I saw what I saw.”
He brushed my hand off his shoulder and walked down the hall and disappeared.
I let out a stiff breath and ran my hands through my hair, “Damn I screwed up really bad this time…”
I'm not a perfect person,
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning,
I never meant to do those things to you
“Alex,” Jack called from outside my room, “Alex get up.”
Pitifully, I buried my head in my pillow and mumbled for him to leave me be. Was Zack as miserable as I was? Even thinking his name made my heart cringe.
“Alex!” Jack said again from behind the door, louder, and knocked on the door, “Dude, come on, at least let me in!”
He shook the doorknob; I forced myself to slide out of bed and go over and unlock the door. Jack looked worried. I knew my eyes were bloodshot and I—most likely—looked like a train wreck. I turned on my heel and fell back onto my bed with a pathetic, teary whimper muffled by my pillow.
He put a gentle hand on my shoulder, “It’s okay Alex, you’re gonna be okay.”
“No I’m not,” I argued, burying my head deeper into my pillow. I screwed up, and now I was paying for it.
“You are going to be okay, Lex,” Jack said defiantly.
“No I’m not,” I mumbled, “I really messed up, Jack, he’s never going to take me back.”
“He will, eventually.” Jack reasoned, “You’ve just gotta earn him back.”
“But—“ I started.
“It’s only been a month, give him time.” Jack patted my shoulder before leaving me to my thoughts. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand next to my bed and hit one; he was the first person on my contacts and speed dial. He has been since we got together. I always put whoever I was dating at the time as my first contact. Why? The cheesy, “you’re my number one” line.
I hit send and waited. It rang. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times.
“Hey you’ve reached Zack, I can’t talk right now so leave a message and I’ll get back to ya.” I sighed and a second later the beep sounded.
“Hey Zack, it’s Alex…” I began my apology.
I'm sorry that I hurt you,
It's something I must live with every day…
And all the pain I put you through,
I wish that I could take it all away,
And be the one who catches all your tears.
About an hour after I had called Zack, he called me back.
“Hey… Did you get my message?” I asked hesitantly as I answered.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling.” Zack said, he sounded every bit as hesitant and nervous as I was.
“Look, Zack, I am so, so sorry,” I sounded desperate for him to listen, “I didn’t mean it, I swear. She means nothing to me.”
“Yeah?” He asked, sounding surprised that I was apologizing. Again.
“I’m serious, Zack,” I told him, “She means nothing. You are all I care about. I’m dying, not being with you or talking to you until dawn. I miss you so much.”
“Yeah, well you did a great job of showing it.” He snapped sarcastically.
“I mean what I say Zack. I really do.” I let my voice grow quieter.
“I’m sure you do.” I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not, “But… I don’t think I can be with you again. I don’t want to get hurt.”
“I won’t, Zack I promise—“ He hung up on me. He fucking hung up on me. I sighed a shaky sigh and hung up as well, curling up on my side, nagging myself for being such an idiot that day and, most likely, losing him forever.
I'm not a perfect person,
I never meant to do those things to you,
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know…
“Hey guys do you know where Zack’s been staying since… well, you know?” I asked Rian and Jack the next evening.
They exchanged a glance, and Rian said, “He told me he was going to stay with his parents. Why?”
“I’ll tell you later,” I said, going back intoour my room. Zack and I shared both a room and apartment. Or, we had before I messed it all up.
I grabbed my acoustic guitar and turned on the radio, strumming a few chords on the guitar and raking my brain for ideas on lyrics. I sighed, something I’ve been doing a lot lately, and plucked the strings, just listening to the radio. I perked up when I heard a song come on after a few commercials; it was the perfect song. Not waiting for the radio DJ to announce the title of the song, I went over to my desk and googled the lyrics I had heard.
Later that night, after I had found some chords to play the song on my guitar with and pretty much memorized the lyrics, I headed out, driving towards the neighborhood I had grown up in. I parked down the street from the pale stucco house and took a deep breath, holding my guitar by its neck and walking up behind his house.
Never have I been so nervous to sing—not as nervous as I was now. My hands were shaking I was so anxious. I snagged a handful of pebbles from the garden on the side of the house and continued to the back of the house. I chucked one of the pebbles at his window.
“Come on,” I whispered under my breath, “Please, please open up.”
I threw another five rocks at his window before I saw his shadow—and eventually him—walk over and open the window. The second his window was opening I started to play.
“I’m not a perfect person…” I sang, “There’s many things I wish I didn’t do…”
He stared at me, glaring at first, but then his gaze softened. He still didn’t look especially convinced by my performance. I felt a bullet go off in my chest, shattering my heart. I had lost him. I looked down at my guitar as I continued to sing and play, feeling absolutely destroyed as I came to the finish of the song.
“A reason for all that I do, and the reason is,” my voice broke and hot tears spilled down my cheeks. Pitifully, I finished, “You.”
He didn’t say anything as I held my guitar by its neck again and wiped my cheeks with my sleeve.
“Alex,” he finally spoke, “Baby are you crying?”
I looked up. He was climbing down the trellis outside his window.
“N-No,” I denied, sniffling once.
He leaned against the side of the house, looking at me again, “Alex… I’ve never seen you like this.”
“It-it’s you,” I said, “You bring out the better person in me.”
Totally cliché, I thought, but it looks like it’s helping.
“I understand if you hate me and never want to see me again,” I said, “You have every right to feel that way.”
I started to leave.
“Don’t go,” he said, suddenly and loudly, “Please don’t.”
I stopped and looked back at him.
“I like this Alex,” he clarified, “The sensitive Alex.”
“Y-Yeah,” I murmured.
“I still love you, ya know. I never stopped.” He informed me.
“Really?” I questioned; he nodded, and everything was okay again, “I love you too.”
He kissed me for the first time in a little over a month and I was happy again.
I've found a reason for me,
To change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you…
I've found a reason to show,
A side of me you didn't know,
A reason for all that I do,
And the reason is you…
I jumped off the couch I was planted on, gently shoved away the yellow-haired girl I had just been making out with, and rushed out to catch up with the retreating bassist. Slamming the door behind me, as Zack had done, I jogged down the hall and caught up with Zack. I put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him.
“Zack… Just hear me out,” I pleaded quietly.
“Why should I?” Zack’s voice cracked and it was obvious that he was trying not to cry.
“Just… Just please, listen to me…” I couldn’t even supply a decent answer as to why he should even care about what I have to say.
He turned and looked at me, green eyes close to letting tears spill over, and said, “No, Alex, I can’t listen. I saw what I saw.”
He brushed my hand off his shoulder and walked down the hall and disappeared.
I let out a stiff breath and ran my hands through my hair, “Damn I screwed up really bad this time…”
I'm not a perfect person,
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning,
I never meant to do those things to you
“Alex,” Jack called from outside my room, “Alex get up.”
Pitifully, I buried my head in my pillow and mumbled for him to leave me be. Was Zack as miserable as I was? Even thinking his name made my heart cringe.
“Alex!” Jack said again from behind the door, louder, and knocked on the door, “Dude, come on, at least let me in!”
He shook the doorknob; I forced myself to slide out of bed and go over and unlock the door. Jack looked worried. I knew my eyes were bloodshot and I—most likely—looked like a train wreck. I turned on my heel and fell back onto my bed with a pathetic, teary whimper muffled by my pillow.
He put a gentle hand on my shoulder, “It’s okay Alex, you’re gonna be okay.”
“No I’m not,” I argued, burying my head deeper into my pillow. I screwed up, and now I was paying for it.
“You are going to be okay, Lex,” Jack said defiantly.
“No I’m not,” I mumbled, “I really messed up, Jack, he’s never going to take me back.”
“He will, eventually.” Jack reasoned, “You’ve just gotta earn him back.”
“But—“ I started.
“It’s only been a month, give him time.” Jack patted my shoulder before leaving me to my thoughts. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand next to my bed and hit one; he was the first person on my contacts and speed dial. He has been since we got together. I always put whoever I was dating at the time as my first contact. Why? The cheesy, “you’re my number one” line.
I hit send and waited. It rang. Once. Twice. Three times. Four times.
“Hey you’ve reached Zack, I can’t talk right now so leave a message and I’ll get back to ya.” I sighed and a second later the beep sounded.
“Hey Zack, it’s Alex…” I began my apology.
I'm sorry that I hurt you,
It's something I must live with every day…
And all the pain I put you through,
I wish that I could take it all away,
And be the one who catches all your tears.
About an hour after I had called Zack, he called me back.
“Hey… Did you get my message?” I asked hesitantly as I answered.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling.” Zack said, he sounded every bit as hesitant and nervous as I was.
“Look, Zack, I am so, so sorry,” I sounded desperate for him to listen, “I didn’t mean it, I swear. She means nothing to me.”
“Yeah?” He asked, sounding surprised that I was apologizing. Again.
“I’m serious, Zack,” I told him, “She means nothing. You are all I care about. I’m dying, not being with you or talking to you until dawn. I miss you so much.”
“Yeah, well you did a great job of showing it.” He snapped sarcastically.
“I mean what I say Zack. I really do.” I let my voice grow quieter.
“I’m sure you do.” I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not, “But… I don’t think I can be with you again. I don’t want to get hurt.”
“I won’t, Zack I promise—“ He hung up on me. He fucking hung up on me. I sighed a shaky sigh and hung up as well, curling up on my side, nagging myself for being such an idiot that day and, most likely, losing him forever.
I'm not a perfect person,
I never meant to do those things to you,
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know…
“Hey guys do you know where Zack’s been staying since… well, you know?” I asked Rian and Jack the next evening.
They exchanged a glance, and Rian said, “He told me he was going to stay with his parents. Why?”
“I’ll tell you later,” I said, going back intoour my room. Zack and I shared both a room and apartment. Or, we had before I messed it all up.
I grabbed my acoustic guitar and turned on the radio, strumming a few chords on the guitar and raking my brain for ideas on lyrics. I sighed, something I’ve been doing a lot lately, and plucked the strings, just listening to the radio. I perked up when I heard a song come on after a few commercials; it was the perfect song. Not waiting for the radio DJ to announce the title of the song, I went over to my desk and googled the lyrics I had heard.
Later that night, after I had found some chords to play the song on my guitar with and pretty much memorized the lyrics, I headed out, driving towards the neighborhood I had grown up in. I parked down the street from the pale stucco house and took a deep breath, holding my guitar by its neck and walking up behind his house.
Never have I been so nervous to sing—not as nervous as I was now. My hands were shaking I was so anxious. I snagged a handful of pebbles from the garden on the side of the house and continued to the back of the house. I chucked one of the pebbles at his window.
“Come on,” I whispered under my breath, “Please, please open up.”
I threw another five rocks at his window before I saw his shadow—and eventually him—walk over and open the window. The second his window was opening I started to play.
“I’m not a perfect person…” I sang, “There’s many things I wish I didn’t do…”
He stared at me, glaring at first, but then his gaze softened. He still didn’t look especially convinced by my performance. I felt a bullet go off in my chest, shattering my heart. I had lost him. I looked down at my guitar as I continued to sing and play, feeling absolutely destroyed as I came to the finish of the song.
“A reason for all that I do, and the reason is,” my voice broke and hot tears spilled down my cheeks. Pitifully, I finished, “You.”
He didn’t say anything as I held my guitar by its neck again and wiped my cheeks with my sleeve.
“Alex,” he finally spoke, “Baby are you crying?”
I looked up. He was climbing down the trellis outside his window.
“N-No,” I denied, sniffling once.
He leaned against the side of the house, looking at me again, “Alex… I’ve never seen you like this.”
“It-it’s you,” I said, “You bring out the better person in me.”
Totally cliché, I thought, but it looks like it’s helping.
“I understand if you hate me and never want to see me again,” I said, “You have every right to feel that way.”
I started to leave.
“Don’t go,” he said, suddenly and loudly, “Please don’t.”
I stopped and looked back at him.
“I like this Alex,” he clarified, “The sensitive Alex.”
“Y-Yeah,” I murmured.
“I still love you, ya know. I never stopped.” He informed me.
“Really?” I questioned; he nodded, and everything was okay again, “I love you too.”
He kissed me for the first time in a little over a month and I was happy again.
I've found a reason for me,
To change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you…
I've found a reason to show,
A side of me you didn't know,
A reason for all that I do,
And the reason is you…