The Way It Is

He had always been more like the older brother. Always caring, always quiet, always there for Gerard. He was never one to complain about the lifestyle he had chosen. Maybe that’s why he was so bothered. Maybe he was just crumbling under the walls he had created for himself. Either way, he was stuck in the rubble.

Every night was the same. Watching from the shadows as the deed was done. The entertainment was served up fresh and hot. He watched Gerard work the crowds and do his job. All Mikey could do was play along with the drums and ease back into the shadows.

Every night was the same. Mikey would go to the bus and dispense of his soaked stage clothes. Then he would take the cold shower he so well deserved. But who was he to kid. He hadn’t done anything miraculous out there. He was not a necessary element of the group, not like Gerard was. After the shower he would flee to his bunk, closing the curtain and his connection to the real world.

Every night was the same. Gerard would make his entrance to the bus loud and filled with the endorphin kick of the show. He’d have his ever present bottle in hand and a sick twisted smile on his face. Mikey didn’t need to see it. He could hear it from behind the curtain.

Every night was the same. Gerard would come to Mikey’s bunk and slide open the curtain. “What’s wrong, bro?” his breath was laced with the strong stench of alcohol and his eyes were dreary and tired.

“Nothing,” Mikey would turn over to the other side.

“No no no, I asked what’s wrong. You must tell me,” Gerard was confused. His tired eyes fluttered as they tried to keep up with his mouth.

“You asked me. I don’t have a response for you. I’m sorry bro,” Mikey pulled the curtain shut again.

“You hate me,” Gerard would sit back against the wall, watching the closed curtain and murmuring to himself.

Mikey would lie there and wait for the murmuring to stop. He’d wait for the silence, but it would never come. Eventually, he’d drag himself out of bed and tend to his brother. He would pick him up and carry him to his appropriate bunk. He’d pull the covers tight around him and shut the curtain.

Mikey had gotten good at one thing with the band. He was amazing at skipping out on life. He could sleep until sound check even if that meant twelve or thirteen hours a night. The others worried about him though. They wondered why they were so terrible that Mikey wouldn’t want to spend time with them. But it wasn’t them. It was just everything.

He didn’t want to think or feel anything. He just wanted to do his part and go back to his bunk.

Since childhood, he had always had a certain jealously for his brother. He was always the babysitter in an awkward way. He could always tell that he wasn’t the one his family worried about. It was his job to keep his brother in line.

Even though he was always the trustworthy one of the two, he was never the talented one. Gerard had the capability of mastering anything he put his mind to. It was always his laziness, low confidence, and humbleness that got in the way though. Mikey saw Gerard as someone who was scared of being good at something. He was scared it would become him and an arrogance would come through. Mikey knew it was preposterous, but it left him quietly proud.

So he continued staying silent and sleepy and shadowed. His duty, his passion, his skill. It was his thing as misconceived and misunderstood as it was.