The Way It Is
The Way It Is
Different city, same emotions. Gerard wasn’t ready for another day, but maybe another life. He pulled on his jeans that hadn’t been washed since the tour had started, the t-shirt that smelled of his brother, the shoes that didn’t fit too well but seemed to be the go-to pair. He trampled off the bus. He went down to the storage spaces and grabbed his sketch book and some graphite. He rolled it around in his hand and watched it turn his palm dark gray. He smiled at it. It was consistent.
He went down to the amphitheater. The lawn that cascaded behind it like a cape of green. He sat down on the grass. It felt cold and soft beneath him. It must have been early spring by now, he thought. He looked in the distance and saw the roadies setting the stage. They looked like tiny ants from such a distance. Tonight, Gerard would be an ant to the people sitting here. A whacked out ant.
He shook his head, not yet wanting to think about the show. It was too early to anticipate such a bad thing.
He looked down to his sketch pad. He shook his head. He hadn’t an idea left. His reserves run dry. He lay back and felt the grass against Mikey’s shirt. He grabbed the fabric and held it to his nose. He breathed it in. He suffocated himself in it. The unexplainable quality of his brother’s scent. Slightly musty, slightly sweet. Gerard felt his senses awake. He heard the birds flitting about him and the distant slams of heavy equipment down below. With his eyes closed, he saw a shadow come over him. It blocked out the spring sunlight. His eyes batted open against the harsh rays. His brother stood above him. All the quite glory and content humbleness before him.
“What are you doing?” Gerard whispered out. “It’s early.”
Mikey smiled down at him and shook his head. Gerard expected to hear the soft giggle he hadn’t heard in so long. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. He blinked again and Mikey was gone. He sat up looking around and saw nothing. All he saw was the birds flitting about him and the distant ants down below. He picked up his graphite and dragged it down the paper making the perfect curve. The perfect outline of Mikey’s perfect jaw line that was burned in Gerard’s imperfect brain right now.
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Mikey’s eyes popped open suddenly. He looked around him. The darkness of his bunk surrounded him in a claustrophobic manner. He felt tightness in his throat. He shoved open his curtain and suddenly the light had flooded into his cave and into his tired eyes. He tried to cover them but it was futile. He was awake in the middle of daylight.
He rolled out of his bunk and stood up. His weak legs felt uneasy and his arms felt limp. He looked up towards the front of the bus. Ray stood at the kitchenette, a cup of coffee in hand. The look on his face was one Mikey had never seen before. Utter confusion and shock.
“You’re awake,” Ray said unable to take a sip of his coffee.
“Yes,” Mikey found his voice.
“Do you know what time it is?” Ray raised a red eyebrow at him.
“No,” Mikey felt tense under his eyes.
“It’s like 8:30… in the morning,” Ray grabbed another coffee cup from the cabinet and filled it to the brim. He held it out for Mikey. “I never thought I’d say this, but… good morning.”
Mikey wasn’t sure if he should take offense or not. Instead of questioning the sincerity of the greeting, he grabbed the cup. It felt warm between his hands. He sipped it and felt the heat soak through his body. He liked the feeling. He turned back around and went to his bunk. He pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a tattered hoodie. He grabbed the mug and passed Ray. He walked off the bus and felt the asphalt of the parking lot under his feet. He wasn’t wearing shoes. He realized he didn’t care and kept walking. He saw heard the stage hands unpacking the equipment. He heard the birds of spring flitting about. It was like a new world to him.
He walked on and saw the large expanse of green that was the concert lawn. It looked inviting, it looked tempting. He wanted to touch it. He walked closer to it with his mug half way gone. It was coming more into view. He saw a little point of red on the hill. A little red ant. He squinted to see what it was. He saw the hunched spine and the large sketch pad. He smiled to himself. Brother.
He picked up the speed of his step and came closer to Gerard. He tried to silence his footsteps, which proved to be easy in the soft grass. He crawled up behind Gerard and looked over his shoulder. He saw the sketch. A graphite shadow of dark lines and shaded edges. He saw a pair of smiling eyes he didn’t recognize. A lopsided grin he hadn’t seen. A lightness and easiness that he never witnessed. He saw a version of himself, contorted and disfigured and… happy.
He dropped the coffee cup. He felt the thud when it hit the ground and felt the hot liquid splatter against his leg. The shoulder he had been creeping behind turned until it was facing him. He dared to look in his brother’s face.
Mikey saw his faded eyes and pale face. He looked worn and weary. His expression soon changed though from distant and dazed to alive and embarrassed. “I know,” he said quickly, “it’s no good. Forget it.” Gerard shook his head and ripped the piece of paper from the binding. He crumpled it quickly and got up from the grass. He began to walk away, but Mikey chased after him.
“Wait a second,” Mikey said. He grabbed his brother’s shoulder and spun him so that Gerard was facing him, “Was that me?”
Gerard shook his head, “I said forget it. You didn’t see anything.”
“Give it to me,” Mikey demanded.
“No!” Gerard was getting annoyed and refused to look in his brother’s face.
“Look at me!” Mikey shouted.
Gerard pursed his lips and looked up.
“Was that me?” Mikey said slightly softer but still aggressively.
“Mikey,” Gerard started.
“Was it or not?” Mikey raised his voice.
Gerard bit his lip nervously. “I’m getting rid of it.”
“Why?” Mikey asked.
“It’s no good. It’s nothing,” Gerard shook his head and began to walk away.
Mikey watched him continue down the sloping hill, “and you’re wearing my shirt!” He shouted after him.
Gerard stopped and pulled the shirt off, showing his pale skinny torso. He threw the shirt towards Mikey and continued walking back towards the bus.
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Mikey felt the sunburn his pale face. Under his closed eyes, he had permanently branded his portrait into his brain. He couldn’t help but think about his brother’s sketch. Was he the usual subject or just a current inspiration? Mikey spent his morning on the hill, thinking about the drawing. The dark strokes of graphite cutting into the bends of his brain. He picked up the red shirt off the grass and brought it to his nose. He breathed in the heavy smoky scent of his brother. The scent was amazing.
“Mikey?” he heard a voice from far off and the footsteps coming closer towards him. He heard it, but he couldn’t place it. It was so unlike the bird voices he had been hearing all morning. Then it clicked. Ray.
He sat up quickly, nervously and looked towards the voice. “Hey Ray,” he waved and became calm again.
“Why did Gerard storm into the back lounge without his shirt on?” he took a seat beside Mikey.
Mikey handed him the red, smoky shirt. “He took my shirt and I asked for it back,” Mikey’s mind immediately focused on the image of Gerard walking away without his shirt. “And the storming… he’s upset with me.”
“Why?” Ray looked confused.
Mikey sighed, “I came up behind him and saw a picture he was sketching. Guess I wasn’t supposed to see it.”
“Why what was it?”
Mikey paused for a second, “I think it was me.”
“Oh really,” Ray raised his eyebrows. “How do you feel about that?”
Mikey pursed his lips, “I don’t know how to feel about it. Kinda happy, but kinda… not happy. Why wouldn’t he want me to see it?”
“Maybe it’s really personal to him. I don’t know,” Ray contemplated. “But don’t you …you know… like him?” he seemed uneasy to say it.
Mikey smiled, “You still remember that?”
Ray shrugged, “It was only like two years ago. It’s kind of hard to forget when your best friend tells you he thinks about his brother that way.”
Mikey hung his head in shame. He wasn’t smiling now, “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“I understand, but just remember: he misses you. That’s why he’s at your bunk every night. He cares about you.”
Mikey was silent for a moment, “Thanks Ray, but it’s not the same caring I have for him. It will never be the same.”
“I want you to know I’m always here for you. We are always here for you. You’re part of the family,” Ray smiled in Mikey’s peripheral vision.
Mikey shuttered at the word “family”. What an evil word. He pursed his lips and kept his eyes low. “Thanks, Ray.”
Ray got up and brushed himself off, “Come on, we have sound check.”
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Gerard hid away in the darkness of the back lounge. His eyes closed, as were the blinds. His mind kept running past the daily drawings and the unavoidable subject of them all. Every pastel, watercolor, or graphite still came out as trash. Still shirtless and still angry at his embarrassment, he looked at the portrait that as propped up across from him. It was wrinkled from being crumpled. He remembered the look on Mikey’s face. The angry, confused look in his eye. It had been so different from the always accepting brother he had grown used to. Especially in the last couple months, how he was so distant and almost inhuman. Emotionless.
Gerard had changed that today. He had provoked him to the point where he actually was human again. The feeling was strangely successful. But looking back to the sketch, the feeling of success was gone. Mikey’s cheekbones too sunken, his eyes too bright, and his hair going against the natural part. It wasn’t Mikey. His pictures never turned out as Mikey. Everyday there was something he couldn’t get right about his brother. The reasons for the eventual demolishing of the art.
The idea made Gerard’s breaths shallow and his lungs feel weak. He coughed into his fist and heard the screeching sound of metal against rusty metal. He looked towards the door.
It slid open and Frank was on the other side. A cup of coffee sat elegantly between his gloved hands. The steam rising and hitting his face. He had a childlike exhaustion to him.
Gerard felt awkward in the sudden presence of another human.
“As much as I love to see you half naked,” Frank’s voice was laced with the tired midday sarcasm, “please put a shirt on.”
Gerard knew it was a joke, but he couldn’t smile. He tried to explain, “Mikey took my shirt.” He failed to mention it wasn’t his to begin with, but it didn’t matter.
Frank shrugged before remembering to ask, “Why is he up so early today?”
It seemed to be question on everyone’s lips. Even Ray had asked when he came on the bus earlier. He didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know,” he rubbed his face.
“Well,” he slurped his coffee, “What are you doing?” It came off as an afterthought to Mikey’s oddity.
Gerard sighed and threw his hands in the air, “I don’t know anymore. Just… thinking.”
“What’s that?” Frank motioned to the sketch. Gerard dove to snatch it but he was too slow, it was already in Frank’s hand. “Wow,” he simply said. “This is amazing. It looks just like him.”
Gerard shook his head like a schizophrenic, “No, no. It doesn’t.” He tried to snatch it from Frank’s hand but the boy turned to dodge it.
“Yes… It does. Does he know you drew this?”
“Yeah. He was creeping over my shoulder this morning and saw,” Gerard rubbed his eyes.
“And…” Frank slurped his coffee, again.
“He didn’t want me to give it to him. He was demanding it from me,” Gerard looked away.
“Did you give it to him?” Frank turned, placing the picture back against the couch.
“No, I just kind of ran for it,” Gerard sighed.
“Why?”
Gerard wasn’t sure, “I just didn’t want him to see it. I don’t think it’s very good and I was embarrassed of it. He was so… commanding with me. I’ve never seen him like that.”
Frank puckered his lips. “Gerard,” he began, “I know I’m not the only one who thinks he’s not himself right now and he really needs the support of a family member to bring him home, mentally. You know he hasn’t been the same. He needs you.”
”No, I need him,” Gerard thought but didn’t dare say. “I know. I’ll… think about it.”
Frank checked his watch, “we have to be at sound check soon. You want to walk there now?”
Gerard nodded solemnly and walked to his bunk. He grabbed a shirt from under his pillow and pulled it over his head. It didn’t smell sweet and musty. It just smelled slightly dirty. He grabbed the sketch and threw it in his bunk, sliding the curtain shut and following Frank out to sound check.
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Mikey took his right full place in the shadows at sound check. He sat up against the edge of the drum set and tried to ignore how the bass drum was making his headache worse by the beat. He watched the sound check in progress. Just another day in the life.
He watched his brother do the usual awkward sound checking and couldn’t help but remember Ray’s words.
“He misses you. That’s why he’s at your bunk every night. He cares about you.”
Was there any legitimacy to what his friend was saying?
Probably not.
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Gerard couldn’t even look sideways at Mikey without feeling like he was gonna puke. All throughout sound check, the only thing running through his mind was Mikey’s voice, commanding Gerard, demanding the sketch back. The threatening tone had defeated him and left him with his tail between his legs. It seemed like the first time in a long time he had seen Mikey so mad, so annoyed. He had been so inhumanly relaxed and so inhumanly emotionless for so long. The twinge in attitude was almost appreciated.
Gerard tried to just stay calm and go with the flow, but he couldn’t help being uneasy and uncomfortable on the stage. He felt Mikey’s eyes burning into his skull, heard the power of his bass rumble through his shaky bones, and tried to focus on what else was going on.
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Gerard sat against the couch in the dressing room. The night was beginning. People buzzed around him. He pulled on show clothes and fixed himself in the mirror before realizing he forgot his shoes on the bus. “I’ll be right back,” he shouted towards the boys.
“We go on in three minutes!” Frank yelled back.
“This will take two!” Gerard ran to the backdoor and quickly found the bus.
He unlocked the door and raced up the stairs. He pulled his curtain away and found his shoes. He rummaged around before realizing something. His picture was gone. His sketch wasn’t there. He looked under and over the bunk for it but it was gone. He closed his eyes and tried to breath, hating himself for not getting rid of it sooner.
He didn’t have time to think about it. He pulled on his shoes and ran back to the dressing room. Everyone was already giving their high fives and going out to the stage. He grimaced that he had been late and took that stage with the rest of them.
The sun had set by the time the first song was over, but the emotions of the day were still consistently strong. Gerard worked the crowd and controlled them; they were whoever he wanted them to be. He swung them to and fro. Told them when to move and jump. He watched them wait on his every word, but the only thing he wanted was that look on Mikey’s face. The one that said he didn’t care. The one that made him lustful instead on angry. He wanted to make him mad.
He went over to Mikey’s place on stage. In the shadows. The lights men followed him there with their giant poser suns. Gerard was used to the rounds around Frank and Ray, but Mikey was a path less traveled. You could even see it in the way the lights men struggled to get there. A place no one had dared to go. But that’s were Gerard was heading, along with the eyes of the crowd.
Gerard wanted to push his brother’s buttons just to see the look on his face. He went over singing in his face and standing strongly across from him. Mikey didn’t want to look up. He kept his eyes on his guitar and an annoyed expression on his perfect face. Gerard felt a sudden pressure inside of him move him closer till they were nose to nose. Mikey’s eyes stayed low and annoyed.
It came for a guitar solo and Gerard lowered the microphone to his side, for it was unnecessary at the moment.
“Stop,” Mikey mouthed to him.
“No,” Gerard shouted maliciously. He wasn’t sure where this sudden force was coming from. This rattlesnake ready to strike.
Mikey finally looked up with eyes of fury and grabbed Gerard’s shoulder. His face contorted into a odd angle that was obviously uncontrolled. Gerard felt the action happen in slow motion. He felt the hand on his shoulder, then the drawback of the arm. Next came the reaction force, long and inconceivably strong. He felt his shoulder force back and his body’s gravity fall out of line. He felt his legs fail to support him and them fight for footing. Then he felt his shoulder hitting the ground and like a centipede all the layers of his body followed. His weight crashing down to the floor and the shock echoing waves towards the rest of the boys’ feet.
He saw Frank look and react to it. A gawk of panic in his face. His eyes followed Gerard down to the ground. Frank felt the shock waves in the floor and began to move towards Gerard. He saw the confused look in his eyes and the hand that outreached.
Gerard somehow found the mind to take it and get up, using Frank’s weight to balance him. He felt his feet parallel with the earth again. His gravity reset. Just like a video game. He looked back to his brother. Mikey refused to look up but just continued playing on with the shameful look in his eyes. The one he hadn’t lost since this morning. Gerard now heard the music all around him and became aware of his place in the song. He did what he had to do: return to his post and continue the job. See it out.
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After the show, Mikey was more than shaken. He was shaking and uneasy and felt like he was gonna puke. He could barely see his hand in front of his face. His vision focusing in and out on nothing in particular. He didn’t feel good. He knew the monsters that were picking apart his body like a game of Operation. Two, in fact, by the names of Shame and Regret.
He stumbled to the dressing room quickly, trying to beat the others. He ripped off his jacket and felt the heat escape from beneath his chest. His breaths got a bit easier.
He didn’t have time to breathe though. He ran off to the bus. He started the shower, cold and strong. He took off all the stage clothes and dispensed of them as he usually did. He felt the icy water chill his overheated body. He let his head hang and the cold water rushed off his nose and chin. No matter how clean he was, he still felt dirty and impure.
He heard the boys start to come back and immediately got out of the shower. He wrapped his damp body in a towel and ran a brush through his hair. He heard their voices getting louder and closer. He ran to the bathroom and splashed more cold water over his face and neck. It was the closest thing to human he could of felt. He turned toward the bathroom door and Frank was suddenly in his face, giving him quite a shock.
“Don’t creep up on me like that, man,” Mikey shook his wet hair and passed Frank in the doorway. He went to his bunk and collected things to change into. A Smiths t-shirt and flannel bottoms. Frank continued to follow him though.
“What happened tonight?” Frank asked in an intimidating voice.
“What do you mean?” Mikey tried to beat around the bush.
“You know damn well what I mean. Why did you push Gerard down?” Frank began to pull of his gloves and jacket.
Mikey stopped to think. What had prompted the move? Was it the fact that Gerard was… Mikey couldn’t think of a reason. What he really wanted to say was that Gerard was tempting him, swinging his beauty and talent in front of Mikey. “You can’t have me. Nananananaaana.” But he couldn’t tell Frank that. Never.
“He’s just not being nice,” Mikey managed to choke out after an internal battle.
“Oh really,” Frank started, “What did he dip your pigtails in the inkwell?” Frank was angry.
“Why do you care so much? He’s my brother not yours!” the muscles in Mikey’s face and neck contracted at the idea.
“Because I can’t have both of you fighting on stage in front of 20,000 people, Mikey! Why can’t you understand that?” Frank shook his head. “I don’t care what you do, but you to will work out your little squabble by tomorrow’s show. Is that clear?”
“Are you kidding me?” Mikey was disgusted that he was being treated to immaturely.
“Mikey,” Frank said forcefully.
Mikey scoffed, “Yes, father.” He shook his head in disgust at Frank and fled to change into his pajamas.
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The assistant tour manager, Gavin, approached Gerard, like every night, going over the show. Gerard pretended like he was listening, but he was really too set on the fact that he had to face his brother soon. He wasn’t ready in the least. Gavin went over how the transitions weren’t as on tonight and setlist needed to be slightly rearranged. Gerard nodded and gave the occasional “mmhm.”
“By the way,” Gavin stopped and looked at Gerard. Gerard’s ears pricked up at the interruption. “What was up with you and Mikey? Did he push you down?”
Gerard felt himself heating with anxiety, “No… I..I,” he stuttered. “I tripped is all. I didn’t see a wire behind me and Mikey tried to reach out and catch me, but I was down.” He nodded excessively and Gavin gave him an odd look.
“Okay,” he said not really believing him, “Just watch out next time. I can’t have you getting hurt in the middle of tour.”
“Thanks, Gavin,” Gerard turned away and was bombarded by Tommy, one of the roadies. Tommy tried to hand him a bottle of liquor. This act of oddity had become normal over the course of the tour. A bottle a night for Gerard. Put him at ease and to sleep. But now, as Gerard looked at the bottle in Tommy’s hand, he felt overcome with hesitation. “Thanks Tommy,” he started, “But you can have this one. I’m not feeling it tonight.”
“Aw come on. I can’t drink all of this. I’m supposed to be on the job tomorrow,” Tommy whined.
“Then share it with the guys, but I’m not feeling well,” that was an understatement. He gave a tired smirk and went outside. The evening air felt cool against his sweaty back. He breathed in the air filled with smog and a light rain.
Gerard looked in the distance and saw the bus. The one he had to board very soon. He had to shower and sleep. Luckily, they were playing the same venue tomorrow. No traveling. But what the fuck was he going to do? He had to sleep a couple feet from his brother tonight. The one that pushed him down. The one with the perfect face that kept Gerard drunk most nights. The one that didn’t want him at all. He sighed hard. He had to do something, right?
Gerard approached the bus and gave the sticky door a hard tug. He looked at the stairs leading the way to trouble. He shook his head and took his first step up them. With each step, his shoes felt more and more filled with lead. He hated the feeling. He turned the corner and everything looked normal. Ray and Bob sat in the front lounge. Ray was on reading a book and Bob was checking the sports scores online. Gerard sighed. It was time to move to the next level. He nodded at Ray as he made his way down the aisle and towards the bunk area.
Gerard heard them before he saw them.
“Because I can’t have both of you fighting on stage in front of 20,000 people, Mikey! Why can’t you understand that?” he heard Frank shout in an angry tone. “I don’t care what you do, but you to will work out your little squabble by tomorrow’s show. Is that clear?”
“Are you kidding me?” Mikey’s voice was heavy with attitude. Something Gerard felt he never heard anymore.
“Mikey,” Frank asserted.
“Yes, father.” Mikey finally relinquished.
Gerard heard the bathroom door almost slam and decided he should go for it now. He slipped passed the partially closed door and saw Frank leaning against the wall with hand over his eyes.
Frank heard the sound of Gerard and turned towards him. He looked tired.
“Hey,” Gerard said quietly putting his hands in his pockets.
Frank sighed with a slight smile, “Hey. Where’s the bottle?”
Gerard shook his head, “Not tonight. Not feeling it.”
Frank smiled a bit more, “That’s nice to see. I thought you’d be foggier by the
time you made it back. But since you’re not, you need to talk to him.” He pointed towards the closed bathroom door.
Gerard nashed his teeth. “What do you mean?”
Frank raised his eyebrows, flowing back into paternal mode, “I mean, whatever happened today and tonight, you need to talk it over. Pronto. I don’t want to see you guys fighting.”
Gerard pursed his lips, “Frankie, it’s really nothing.”
“Don’t call me that and I don’t care what it’s really. I just need to know it’s been handled,” Frank waved his hands at Gerard.
“I can hear everything you say,” Mikey said from behind the bathroom door. His voice sounded irritated.
Frank brought his voice down to a low whisper, “Just talk to him, please.”
Gerard saw the begging in his eyes. He wanted to make sure they were okay. He didn’t blame him. Today had been so odd.
Gerard nodded his head. “Fine,” he didn’t want to. He didn’t know what to say to him. His mind went blank.
Mikey emerged from the bathroom. Gerard couldn’t help but stare at his brother. His tight band t-shirt riding up revealing the hip bones that were pronounced above the waistband of his flannel pants. Mikey looked a little shocked he was there. He, obviously, had heard him in the bathroom, but he still had the look of surprise in his young face.
Gerard swallowed his fears and tried to find his voice, “Mikey. We need to talk.”
Mikey gave a sarcastic smirk and didn’t look him straight on, “Then talk.” He waved a hand at him, telling him to move on.
Gerard threw his jacket into his bunk, “No, come on. Let’s take a walk.”
Mikey sighed like a teenager that was just too cool for the situation. He walked past Gerard with a forced and exaggerated lethargy. Gerard smelled his fresh clean scent and his wet slicked back hair. He tried to contain himself, but the scent made him want to touch Mikey right there.
Gerard followed his brother off the bus. “Follow me,” he said and began walking towards the street lamps in the parking lot. He found a grassy median that sat randomly among the straight white lines. It was a good distance from all the other buses, meaning no one could see them talk. He sat down on the curb and Mikey took a seat a little too far from him. He didn’t move, but just took a deep breath and decided to get it over with.
“I’m sorry I bothered you during the show. I was just angry because you stole the sketch from my bunk,” Gerard sped through the statement.
Mikey shook his head with a disgusted look on his face that shined in the golden light of the street lamp overhead. His profile was edged out in the light and you could see that beautiful jaw line. Oh how Gerard wanted to bite it and rub his lips against it till they were raw.
“Why did you sketch me?” Mikey started, waking Gerard up from his fantasy.
The question took him off guard. He didn’t know what to say. Anything but the truth. his mind stated. “I always draw you,” he cursed himself for not taking his own advice. He could feel the filter between his mind and mouth disintegrating with the help of his heavy, shameful heart.
Mikey’s lower lip quivered. Gerard could tell he hadn’t expected that blunt answer. “Why?” Mikey looked down onto the parking lot asphalt. The shadows on his face deepened.
“Cause you are just… perfect. Everything about you just screams it, making you the perfect subject,” at this point, Gerard’s attempts to think before he spoke were futile. He began not caring about what he couldn’t control.
Mikey scoffed, “I’m nothing perfect. …Just don’t do it anymore. Don’t sketch me.”
Gerard’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’ll sketch what I want, Mikey. You’re not gonna stop me.”
Gerard saw the switch flip in Mikey, from annoyed to angry.
“I said stop. It’s my body, it’s my face. Why can’t you respect that?” his teeth gritted making his tone dark and harsh.
“Oh so trying to recreate you on paper is now disrespecting you? Wow. I must be the worst brother ever,” Gerard squinted.
“Shut up,” his tone darkened another level.
“You know, you wouldn’t have a problem with it if you weren’t so fucking weird this morning. How was I suppost to know you were magically gone rise from the dead and come haunt me? God damn it, Mikey. You hide away for months and when you come out, you act like we are all the ignorant ones.” Gerard tapped his tongue behind his teeth. In his peripheral vision, he saw Mikey’s hands turning to fists.
“Don’t criticize me for the things I do. You don’t know the half of it,” Mikey’s knuckles were turning white.
Gerard kept pushing. He wanted to see Mikey worked up again. He wanted to see him alive in the eyes. “You are the biggest fucking hypocrite. You tell me not to criticize you when you are telling me what not to draw. I think you, Mikey, don’t know the half of it. You can be so selfish.”
That was it. Mikey was up standing over Gerard with angry eyes and a voice to match. “Don’t you fucking call me selfish!” he shouted. “I spent my whole life living in your shadow and watching over you and never once did I ask for the spotlight. Not fucking once! You think you own everyone you meet. You are so fucking controlling that you forget to control yourself! I am forced to take care you and you don’t even take one second to thank me.”
Gerard stood up too, now. He looked his brother in the eyes. He saw all the hate and rage. Something inside of him told him to keep going. He wanted to see how far he could take this. “You know what? You’re right. I do have to be cared for. I can’t take care of myself. But you, my own brother, the one you is supposed to be there for me, has disappeared off the edge of the planet. You wonder why I drink it down every night? It’s cause you left me. You’re never there to catch me anymore.”
Mikey shook his head and laughed maliciously, “Don’t try to use that one, Way. Maybe if you weren’t so heavy on the alcohol you would know that every night when you’re trashed out of your fucking mind, I’m there. You always come to the edge of my bunk, crying for me. ‘You hate me. You hate me,’ his voice going high to mimic a toddler’s cry. “You cry and cry at my bunk until I come and dry your eyes and put you to sleep. I’m the one taking care of you, still. No matter how many times I do it, you still say I hate you? I wouldn’t take care of your alcoholic shit if I hated you. Maybe if you cleaned up a bit you would remember that.”
Gerard was speechless. He had no idea. “Mikey, why didn’t you tell me this before?”
Mikey bit his quivering lip. The tears were welling up in his eyes now. “You wouldn’t have cared. It’s just my job. It always has been. I just wish you were there for me. I just wish someone was there for me.” The tears flooded over his lids and streaked down his face.
Gerard immediately regretted what he had said before, “I wanted to be there for you. I really did but I just didn’t know how. I thought it would push you away and I couldn’t bear doing that.”
Mikey’s eyes continued their trails down his angled face. The tears glittered in the dim light. “Well congratulations. I’m still here. Just waiting. For the impossible.”
Gerard felt goosebumps cover his whole body. The look on Mikey’s face could kill him. He had never ever seen Mikey this way. “What’s the impossible?”
Mikey smiled and looked up trying to blink away the tears. “Doesn’t even fucking matter anymore. I’ve really tried Gerard, but I can’t get you out of my head. Goodnight.” His brother turned away walking back towards the bus.
Gerard watched him wipe away more tears and shake his wet hair. He felt his chest ache. Do something. Say something. It urged him. He took a deep breath. “Mikey!” he called after his brother. Mikey made no sign that he had even heard him, even though Gerard knew he was just ignoring him. Try. His chest hurt with affection. “Why do you have to try?” he shouted as loud as he could. Mikey had to have heard him. He must have.
He saw his brother stop midstep. He saw him pause and stretch his back. Mikey turned slightly, looking towards Gerard. Then, he turned his body and began walking back to him. His stride was so large that he seemed to be approaching Gerard rapidly.
Mikey’s face was coming into view. His eyes on Gerard. There was something he had never seen in his brother’s eyes. Passion? he asked himself but shook away the idea.
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Mikey sped faster to Gerard. His eyes on him. He could see the look of wonder in his eyes. He knew Gerard didn’t know what was coming. He took two more large steps and crashed his lips into his brothers. At first, the kiss was all force but Mikey eased his mouth open and let his hand grab the hair on the back of Gerard’s head, adding heat and lustfulness to the kiss. He had wanted to do this for so long, he needed this.
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Gerard’s head reeled. Mikey was kissing him. Little, shy Mikey Way was kissing him. Powerfully, too. His hand pulled at Gerard’s hair in a mix of pain and pleasure and his lips frantically curved around Gerard’s, changing their position every other second. They moved together, symbiotically, one forward the other back.
Gerard couldn’t let this end. He edged his lips to the side of Mikey’s mouth, kissing a trail of sweet pecks to that jaw line. The one he thought of in the shower every day. He couldn’t believe it was happening. He first kissed the highest point, just below his ear. Then he followed the strong curve and got more vicious with every inch. By the time he was to the chin, he was biting and sucking like his life depended on it. Mikey let out a moan of appreciation. Oh the sound that came from his perfect lips was bound to be cemented in Gerard’s ears for eternity.
He returned to Mikey’s lips and began delving deeper into his mouth. Mikey wasn’t too fast to let him control this though. This was his time for the spotlight. No more shadows for Mikey, starting now. Gerard could tell.
Mikey put his hands on Gerard’s chest and pushed him, just like tonight on stage, but now with a totally different purpose. Gerard’s back thudded against the grass of the median and Mikey climbed over him. He grabbed both of Gerard’s hands and raised them above his head. Gerard’s back arched forward at the pain of position, but he couldn’t complain in the least, because he was enjoying every second of it.
Mikey reached for Gerard’s shirt tail and pulled it over his head. He flung it into oblivion and then did the same with his. He rubbed Gerard’s naked chest. The cold hair stung his skin and made the slightest warm touch of Mikey’s skin feel like fire.
Gerard felt the harsh grass beneath his back. This was unreal. Gerard’s mind was racing. All he wanted was Mikey to moan and squeal for him. Mikey shifted his weight, putting a knee between Gerard’s legs, putting pressure on his already tingling crotch. Now Gerard was moaning, leaving no question of who’s in control. This took Gerard off guard and also turned him on like nothing had ever. He’d never seen Mikey so animalistic, so instinctive. Had he done this before with a guy? At this point, Gerard didn’t care. All that mattered was there was a growing pain in Gerard’s pants. Mikey obviously felt and pushed even harder against it. Gerard was seeing stars in his eyes. “Mikey,” he begged in a choked, quiet voice.
“Not yet,” Mikey said firmly and Gerard didn’t argue. He winced at the pain but let Mikey continue pressing down and kissing his neck.
Mikey continued like this for what seemed like eternity. The pressing, the kissing, the biting all blended into this crazy, euphoric experience for Gerard. His brain was put on autopilot and all he could do was lye there and accept the intense waves of ardor that washed over him.
When he thought he had Mikey’s course of action all planned out, he was thrown off. Mikey’s lips disappeared from his skin for a mere second and quicker than they had left, Gerard felt the hot breath on his ear. He felt the condensation saturating his lob and he turned his head for a better angle.
“What do you want from me, Gerard?” he said his name so malevolently, so cruelly. Gerard felt his pants get even tighter. “Huh?” Mikey said again when all he got was mumbles and moans for a response. The short syllable gave a blast of heat in Gerard’s ear.
“Everything,” Gerard forced the word out. Every ounce of him went along with it. “I want every piece of you. I need you.”
Mikey chuckled a twisted laugh and the bass of his voice rumbled Gerard’s ear drum. The feeling was contrasted with the nit picking of Gerard’s pants. He felt the button pop and the zipper slide down with a dangerous squeal. Sooner than Gerard thinks, Mikey’s hand goes down the front of his pants, not touching him, just tempting him. Teasing him.
Gerard’s lower anatomy is throbbing with the wonderful pain of anticipation. “Mikey,” he whimpers again.
“Shh. What do you say?” his hot breath still in his ear. Gerard’s senses running at full capacity.
“Please, Mikey. Please,” he whispers and then Mikey aggressively grabs him. Gerard’s eyes shot open at the surprise.
Mikey melts away the shock with soft strokes varying in pressures. The pain is relinquishing now and Gerard just wants more. He opens his tentative lips again, heart beating fast as he begs his request, “Please, Mikey. Fuck me. Please.”
He feels Mikey smile against his skin. “Pants off, then.” He feels the coolness of the night hit his body and is now aware that Mikey has gotten off him. Gerard doesn’t care that he’s in a fucking parking lot in the middle of the night. He doesn’t care that anyone could walk over and see this. He needs this right now more than anything. He quickly jumps out of his jeans and is naked in front of the world. He looks up to Mikey with the question of what was next in his eyes.
“Lay down,” he commands and Gerard doesn’t think twice. He’s fallen under his spell and there’s no denying it. Mikey gets in between his legs and looks Gerard in the eyes. Even though this sex god had overtaken his body, Gerard still sees his kind, compassionate brother in there. Still sees the one that is there for him.
Mikey kisses him again but now it’s softer, not as forced. He continues this and like nothing happened at all, he shoves his finger viciously into Gerard. Taken by surprise, Gerard gasps into the kisses. The pain is dire, with no preparation, but so is the requisite for it. The distinction between soft and hard is unbelievable and Gerard soon feels himself arching towards Mikey’s finger, asking for more. He gets another finger along side, stretching him even further. He groans into Mikey’s mouth, loud and appreciative.
The kisses stop and so do the fingers. Gerard is laying there when he hears Mikey’s voice again, not as close as before. “Are you ready?” he finally hears a caring in his voice, a thoughtfulness.
Gerard bits his lip hard and nods. Then he feels Mikey in him. His muscles tighten and his neck strains. He could have came right there, but he restrains himself.
“You okay?” Mikey asks and his lips grace Gerard’s neck.
Gerard nods, “Keep going.”
And Mikey does, slowly first with a lot of friction, but with the every motion it becomes easier and sweeter. Gerard feels the pressure building up quickly in his stomach. He’s waiting to unleash it, trying to hold out for as long as possible. Mikey can sense this and is determined to kill off his control. He grabs his dick with a free hand and starts kneading it between his fingers. Gerard bits his lip and shuts his eyes as hard as possible. He’s on the edge of ecstasy. The peak of pleasure. “Mikey, Mikey,” he shouts out. He wants to go longer.
Mikey bends over to his ear again, “No, now.” His voice alone causes Gerard body to convulse and shake. He screams out as he releases himself all over Mikey’s hand.
He lays there in the dead of night, eyes closed hard, chest moving up and down at an alarming rate.
“You, okay?” Mikey’s soft voice is high from him now. Gerard opens his eyes and sees his brother standing over him, buttoning his pants and pulling on his shirt. He grabs Gerard’s clothes and throws them over to his naked body lying on the curb.
“Couldn’t be better,” Gerard smiles and tries getting up. “Thank you.” He struggles to pull on his jeans, his body still stiff in orgasm.
Mikey crawls over to him and kisses his neck again. “I’m so glad we had this talk. I think we made a bit of progress.”
Gerard pulls his shirt on and kisses Mikey’s lips softly. “We should get back.”
Mikey shrugs and pulls Gerard off the curb and into his arms. “I never really got to tell you how much I love you. There is no one else I’d rather take care of.”
Gerard kisses the corner of his mouth, “There’s nothing else I’d rather draw. I love you, Mikey and that's just the way it is.”
He went down to the amphitheater. The lawn that cascaded behind it like a cape of green. He sat down on the grass. It felt cold and soft beneath him. It must have been early spring by now, he thought. He looked in the distance and saw the roadies setting the stage. They looked like tiny ants from such a distance. Tonight, Gerard would be an ant to the people sitting here. A whacked out ant.
He shook his head, not yet wanting to think about the show. It was too early to anticipate such a bad thing.
He looked down to his sketch pad. He shook his head. He hadn’t an idea left. His reserves run dry. He lay back and felt the grass against Mikey’s shirt. He grabbed the fabric and held it to his nose. He breathed it in. He suffocated himself in it. The unexplainable quality of his brother’s scent. Slightly musty, slightly sweet. Gerard felt his senses awake. He heard the birds flitting about him and the distant slams of heavy equipment down below. With his eyes closed, he saw a shadow come over him. It blocked out the spring sunlight. His eyes batted open against the harsh rays. His brother stood above him. All the quite glory and content humbleness before him.
“What are you doing?” Gerard whispered out. “It’s early.”
Mikey smiled down at him and shook his head. Gerard expected to hear the soft giggle he hadn’t heard in so long. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. He blinked again and Mikey was gone. He sat up looking around and saw nothing. All he saw was the birds flitting about him and the distant ants down below. He picked up his graphite and dragged it down the paper making the perfect curve. The perfect outline of Mikey’s perfect jaw line that was burned in Gerard’s imperfect brain right now.
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Mikey’s eyes popped open suddenly. He looked around him. The darkness of his bunk surrounded him in a claustrophobic manner. He felt tightness in his throat. He shoved open his curtain and suddenly the light had flooded into his cave and into his tired eyes. He tried to cover them but it was futile. He was awake in the middle of daylight.
He rolled out of his bunk and stood up. His weak legs felt uneasy and his arms felt limp. He looked up towards the front of the bus. Ray stood at the kitchenette, a cup of coffee in hand. The look on his face was one Mikey had never seen before. Utter confusion and shock.
“You’re awake,” Ray said unable to take a sip of his coffee.
“Yes,” Mikey found his voice.
“Do you know what time it is?” Ray raised a red eyebrow at him.
“No,” Mikey felt tense under his eyes.
“It’s like 8:30… in the morning,” Ray grabbed another coffee cup from the cabinet and filled it to the brim. He held it out for Mikey. “I never thought I’d say this, but… good morning.”
Mikey wasn’t sure if he should take offense or not. Instead of questioning the sincerity of the greeting, he grabbed the cup. It felt warm between his hands. He sipped it and felt the heat soak through his body. He liked the feeling. He turned back around and went to his bunk. He pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a tattered hoodie. He grabbed the mug and passed Ray. He walked off the bus and felt the asphalt of the parking lot under his feet. He wasn’t wearing shoes. He realized he didn’t care and kept walking. He saw heard the stage hands unpacking the equipment. He heard the birds of spring flitting about. It was like a new world to him.
He walked on and saw the large expanse of green that was the concert lawn. It looked inviting, it looked tempting. He wanted to touch it. He walked closer to it with his mug half way gone. It was coming more into view. He saw a little point of red on the hill. A little red ant. He squinted to see what it was. He saw the hunched spine and the large sketch pad. He smiled to himself. Brother.
He picked up the speed of his step and came closer to Gerard. He tried to silence his footsteps, which proved to be easy in the soft grass. He crawled up behind Gerard and looked over his shoulder. He saw the sketch. A graphite shadow of dark lines and shaded edges. He saw a pair of smiling eyes he didn’t recognize. A lopsided grin he hadn’t seen. A lightness and easiness that he never witnessed. He saw a version of himself, contorted and disfigured and… happy.
He dropped the coffee cup. He felt the thud when it hit the ground and felt the hot liquid splatter against his leg. The shoulder he had been creeping behind turned until it was facing him. He dared to look in his brother’s face.
Mikey saw his faded eyes and pale face. He looked worn and weary. His expression soon changed though from distant and dazed to alive and embarrassed. “I know,” he said quickly, “it’s no good. Forget it.” Gerard shook his head and ripped the piece of paper from the binding. He crumpled it quickly and got up from the grass. He began to walk away, but Mikey chased after him.
“Wait a second,” Mikey said. He grabbed his brother’s shoulder and spun him so that Gerard was facing him, “Was that me?”
Gerard shook his head, “I said forget it. You didn’t see anything.”
“Give it to me,” Mikey demanded.
“No!” Gerard was getting annoyed and refused to look in his brother’s face.
“Look at me!” Mikey shouted.
Gerard pursed his lips and looked up.
“Was that me?” Mikey said slightly softer but still aggressively.
“Mikey,” Gerard started.
“Was it or not?” Mikey raised his voice.
Gerard bit his lip nervously. “I’m getting rid of it.”
“Why?” Mikey asked.
“It’s no good. It’s nothing,” Gerard shook his head and began to walk away.
Mikey watched him continue down the sloping hill, “and you’re wearing my shirt!” He shouted after him.
Gerard stopped and pulled the shirt off, showing his pale skinny torso. He threw the shirt towards Mikey and continued walking back towards the bus.
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Mikey felt the sunburn his pale face. Under his closed eyes, he had permanently branded his portrait into his brain. He couldn’t help but think about his brother’s sketch. Was he the usual subject or just a current inspiration? Mikey spent his morning on the hill, thinking about the drawing. The dark strokes of graphite cutting into the bends of his brain. He picked up the red shirt off the grass and brought it to his nose. He breathed in the heavy smoky scent of his brother. The scent was amazing.
“Mikey?” he heard a voice from far off and the footsteps coming closer towards him. He heard it, but he couldn’t place it. It was so unlike the bird voices he had been hearing all morning. Then it clicked. Ray.
He sat up quickly, nervously and looked towards the voice. “Hey Ray,” he waved and became calm again.
“Why did Gerard storm into the back lounge without his shirt on?” he took a seat beside Mikey.
Mikey handed him the red, smoky shirt. “He took my shirt and I asked for it back,” Mikey’s mind immediately focused on the image of Gerard walking away without his shirt. “And the storming… he’s upset with me.”
“Why?” Ray looked confused.
Mikey sighed, “I came up behind him and saw a picture he was sketching. Guess I wasn’t supposed to see it.”
“Why what was it?”
Mikey paused for a second, “I think it was me.”
“Oh really,” Ray raised his eyebrows. “How do you feel about that?”
Mikey pursed his lips, “I don’t know how to feel about it. Kinda happy, but kinda… not happy. Why wouldn’t he want me to see it?”
“Maybe it’s really personal to him. I don’t know,” Ray contemplated. “But don’t you …you know… like him?” he seemed uneasy to say it.
Mikey smiled, “You still remember that?”
Ray shrugged, “It was only like two years ago. It’s kind of hard to forget when your best friend tells you he thinks about his brother that way.”
Mikey hung his head in shame. He wasn’t smiling now, “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“I understand, but just remember: he misses you. That’s why he’s at your bunk every night. He cares about you.”
Mikey was silent for a moment, “Thanks Ray, but it’s not the same caring I have for him. It will never be the same.”
“I want you to know I’m always here for you. We are always here for you. You’re part of the family,” Ray smiled in Mikey’s peripheral vision.
Mikey shuttered at the word “family”. What an evil word. He pursed his lips and kept his eyes low. “Thanks, Ray.”
Ray got up and brushed himself off, “Come on, we have sound check.”
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Gerard hid away in the darkness of the back lounge. His eyes closed, as were the blinds. His mind kept running past the daily drawings and the unavoidable subject of them all. Every pastel, watercolor, or graphite still came out as trash. Still shirtless and still angry at his embarrassment, he looked at the portrait that as propped up across from him. It was wrinkled from being crumpled. He remembered the look on Mikey’s face. The angry, confused look in his eye. It had been so different from the always accepting brother he had grown used to. Especially in the last couple months, how he was so distant and almost inhuman. Emotionless.
Gerard had changed that today. He had provoked him to the point where he actually was human again. The feeling was strangely successful. But looking back to the sketch, the feeling of success was gone. Mikey’s cheekbones too sunken, his eyes too bright, and his hair going against the natural part. It wasn’t Mikey. His pictures never turned out as Mikey. Everyday there was something he couldn’t get right about his brother. The reasons for the eventual demolishing of the art.
The idea made Gerard’s breaths shallow and his lungs feel weak. He coughed into his fist and heard the screeching sound of metal against rusty metal. He looked towards the door.
It slid open and Frank was on the other side. A cup of coffee sat elegantly between his gloved hands. The steam rising and hitting his face. He had a childlike exhaustion to him.
Gerard felt awkward in the sudden presence of another human.
“As much as I love to see you half naked,” Frank’s voice was laced with the tired midday sarcasm, “please put a shirt on.”
Gerard knew it was a joke, but he couldn’t smile. He tried to explain, “Mikey took my shirt.” He failed to mention it wasn’t his to begin with, but it didn’t matter.
Frank shrugged before remembering to ask, “Why is he up so early today?”
It seemed to be question on everyone’s lips. Even Ray had asked when he came on the bus earlier. He didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know,” he rubbed his face.
“Well,” he slurped his coffee, “What are you doing?” It came off as an afterthought to Mikey’s oddity.
Gerard sighed and threw his hands in the air, “I don’t know anymore. Just… thinking.”
“What’s that?” Frank motioned to the sketch. Gerard dove to snatch it but he was too slow, it was already in Frank’s hand. “Wow,” he simply said. “This is amazing. It looks just like him.”
Gerard shook his head like a schizophrenic, “No, no. It doesn’t.” He tried to snatch it from Frank’s hand but the boy turned to dodge it.
“Yes… It does. Does he know you drew this?”
“Yeah. He was creeping over my shoulder this morning and saw,” Gerard rubbed his eyes.
“And…” Frank slurped his coffee, again.
“He didn’t want me to give it to him. He was demanding it from me,” Gerard looked away.
“Did you give it to him?” Frank turned, placing the picture back against the couch.
“No, I just kind of ran for it,” Gerard sighed.
“Why?”
Gerard wasn’t sure, “I just didn’t want him to see it. I don’t think it’s very good and I was embarrassed of it. He was so… commanding with me. I’ve never seen him like that.”
Frank puckered his lips. “Gerard,” he began, “I know I’m not the only one who thinks he’s not himself right now and he really needs the support of a family member to bring him home, mentally. You know he hasn’t been the same. He needs you.”
”No, I need him,” Gerard thought but didn’t dare say. “I know. I’ll… think about it.”
Frank checked his watch, “we have to be at sound check soon. You want to walk there now?”
Gerard nodded solemnly and walked to his bunk. He grabbed a shirt from under his pillow and pulled it over his head. It didn’t smell sweet and musty. It just smelled slightly dirty. He grabbed the sketch and threw it in his bunk, sliding the curtain shut and following Frank out to sound check.
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Mikey took his right full place in the shadows at sound check. He sat up against the edge of the drum set and tried to ignore how the bass drum was making his headache worse by the beat. He watched the sound check in progress. Just another day in the life.
He watched his brother do the usual awkward sound checking and couldn’t help but remember Ray’s words.
“He misses you. That’s why he’s at your bunk every night. He cares about you.”
Was there any legitimacy to what his friend was saying?
Probably not.
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Gerard couldn’t even look sideways at Mikey without feeling like he was gonna puke. All throughout sound check, the only thing running through his mind was Mikey’s voice, commanding Gerard, demanding the sketch back. The threatening tone had defeated him and left him with his tail between his legs. It seemed like the first time in a long time he had seen Mikey so mad, so annoyed. He had been so inhumanly relaxed and so inhumanly emotionless for so long. The twinge in attitude was almost appreciated.
Gerard tried to just stay calm and go with the flow, but he couldn’t help being uneasy and uncomfortable on the stage. He felt Mikey’s eyes burning into his skull, heard the power of his bass rumble through his shaky bones, and tried to focus on what else was going on.
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Gerard sat against the couch in the dressing room. The night was beginning. People buzzed around him. He pulled on show clothes and fixed himself in the mirror before realizing he forgot his shoes on the bus. “I’ll be right back,” he shouted towards the boys.
“We go on in three minutes!” Frank yelled back.
“This will take two!” Gerard ran to the backdoor and quickly found the bus.
He unlocked the door and raced up the stairs. He pulled his curtain away and found his shoes. He rummaged around before realizing something. His picture was gone. His sketch wasn’t there. He looked under and over the bunk for it but it was gone. He closed his eyes and tried to breath, hating himself for not getting rid of it sooner.
He didn’t have time to think about it. He pulled on his shoes and ran back to the dressing room. Everyone was already giving their high fives and going out to the stage. He grimaced that he had been late and took that stage with the rest of them.
The sun had set by the time the first song was over, but the emotions of the day were still consistently strong. Gerard worked the crowd and controlled them; they were whoever he wanted them to be. He swung them to and fro. Told them when to move and jump. He watched them wait on his every word, but the only thing he wanted was that look on Mikey’s face. The one that said he didn’t care. The one that made him lustful instead on angry. He wanted to make him mad.
He went over to Mikey’s place on stage. In the shadows. The lights men followed him there with their giant poser suns. Gerard was used to the rounds around Frank and Ray, but Mikey was a path less traveled. You could even see it in the way the lights men struggled to get there. A place no one had dared to go. But that’s were Gerard was heading, along with the eyes of the crowd.
Gerard wanted to push his brother’s buttons just to see the look on his face. He went over singing in his face and standing strongly across from him. Mikey didn’t want to look up. He kept his eyes on his guitar and an annoyed expression on his perfect face. Gerard felt a sudden pressure inside of him move him closer till they were nose to nose. Mikey’s eyes stayed low and annoyed.
It came for a guitar solo and Gerard lowered the microphone to his side, for it was unnecessary at the moment.
“Stop,” Mikey mouthed to him.
“No,” Gerard shouted maliciously. He wasn’t sure where this sudden force was coming from. This rattlesnake ready to strike.
Mikey finally looked up with eyes of fury and grabbed Gerard’s shoulder. His face contorted into a odd angle that was obviously uncontrolled. Gerard felt the action happen in slow motion. He felt the hand on his shoulder, then the drawback of the arm. Next came the reaction force, long and inconceivably strong. He felt his shoulder force back and his body’s gravity fall out of line. He felt his legs fail to support him and them fight for footing. Then he felt his shoulder hitting the ground and like a centipede all the layers of his body followed. His weight crashing down to the floor and the shock echoing waves towards the rest of the boys’ feet.
He saw Frank look and react to it. A gawk of panic in his face. His eyes followed Gerard down to the ground. Frank felt the shock waves in the floor and began to move towards Gerard. He saw the confused look in his eyes and the hand that outreached.
Gerard somehow found the mind to take it and get up, using Frank’s weight to balance him. He felt his feet parallel with the earth again. His gravity reset. Just like a video game. He looked back to his brother. Mikey refused to look up but just continued playing on with the shameful look in his eyes. The one he hadn’t lost since this morning. Gerard now heard the music all around him and became aware of his place in the song. He did what he had to do: return to his post and continue the job. See it out.
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After the show, Mikey was more than shaken. He was shaking and uneasy and felt like he was gonna puke. He could barely see his hand in front of his face. His vision focusing in and out on nothing in particular. He didn’t feel good. He knew the monsters that were picking apart his body like a game of Operation. Two, in fact, by the names of Shame and Regret.
He stumbled to the dressing room quickly, trying to beat the others. He ripped off his jacket and felt the heat escape from beneath his chest. His breaths got a bit easier.
He didn’t have time to breathe though. He ran off to the bus. He started the shower, cold and strong. He took off all the stage clothes and dispensed of them as he usually did. He felt the icy water chill his overheated body. He let his head hang and the cold water rushed off his nose and chin. No matter how clean he was, he still felt dirty and impure.
He heard the boys start to come back and immediately got out of the shower. He wrapped his damp body in a towel and ran a brush through his hair. He heard their voices getting louder and closer. He ran to the bathroom and splashed more cold water over his face and neck. It was the closest thing to human he could of felt. He turned toward the bathroom door and Frank was suddenly in his face, giving him quite a shock.
“Don’t creep up on me like that, man,” Mikey shook his wet hair and passed Frank in the doorway. He went to his bunk and collected things to change into. A Smiths t-shirt and flannel bottoms. Frank continued to follow him though.
“What happened tonight?” Frank asked in an intimidating voice.
“What do you mean?” Mikey tried to beat around the bush.
“You know damn well what I mean. Why did you push Gerard down?” Frank began to pull of his gloves and jacket.
Mikey stopped to think. What had prompted the move? Was it the fact that Gerard was… Mikey couldn’t think of a reason. What he really wanted to say was that Gerard was tempting him, swinging his beauty and talent in front of Mikey. “You can’t have me. Nananananaaana.” But he couldn’t tell Frank that. Never.
“He’s just not being nice,” Mikey managed to choke out after an internal battle.
“Oh really,” Frank started, “What did he dip your pigtails in the inkwell?” Frank was angry.
“Why do you care so much? He’s my brother not yours!” the muscles in Mikey’s face and neck contracted at the idea.
“Because I can’t have both of you fighting on stage in front of 20,000 people, Mikey! Why can’t you understand that?” Frank shook his head. “I don’t care what you do, but you to will work out your little squabble by tomorrow’s show. Is that clear?”
“Are you kidding me?” Mikey was disgusted that he was being treated to immaturely.
“Mikey,” Frank said forcefully.
Mikey scoffed, “Yes, father.” He shook his head in disgust at Frank and fled to change into his pajamas.
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The assistant tour manager, Gavin, approached Gerard, like every night, going over the show. Gerard pretended like he was listening, but he was really too set on the fact that he had to face his brother soon. He wasn’t ready in the least. Gavin went over how the transitions weren’t as on tonight and setlist needed to be slightly rearranged. Gerard nodded and gave the occasional “mmhm.”
“By the way,” Gavin stopped and looked at Gerard. Gerard’s ears pricked up at the interruption. “What was up with you and Mikey? Did he push you down?”
Gerard felt himself heating with anxiety, “No… I..I,” he stuttered. “I tripped is all. I didn’t see a wire behind me and Mikey tried to reach out and catch me, but I was down.” He nodded excessively and Gavin gave him an odd look.
“Okay,” he said not really believing him, “Just watch out next time. I can’t have you getting hurt in the middle of tour.”
“Thanks, Gavin,” Gerard turned away and was bombarded by Tommy, one of the roadies. Tommy tried to hand him a bottle of liquor. This act of oddity had become normal over the course of the tour. A bottle a night for Gerard. Put him at ease and to sleep. But now, as Gerard looked at the bottle in Tommy’s hand, he felt overcome with hesitation. “Thanks Tommy,” he started, “But you can have this one. I’m not feeling it tonight.”
“Aw come on. I can’t drink all of this. I’m supposed to be on the job tomorrow,” Tommy whined.
“Then share it with the guys, but I’m not feeling well,” that was an understatement. He gave a tired smirk and went outside. The evening air felt cool against his sweaty back. He breathed in the air filled with smog and a light rain.
Gerard looked in the distance and saw the bus. The one he had to board very soon. He had to shower and sleep. Luckily, they were playing the same venue tomorrow. No traveling. But what the fuck was he going to do? He had to sleep a couple feet from his brother tonight. The one that pushed him down. The one with the perfect face that kept Gerard drunk most nights. The one that didn’t want him at all. He sighed hard. He had to do something, right?
Gerard approached the bus and gave the sticky door a hard tug. He looked at the stairs leading the way to trouble. He shook his head and took his first step up them. With each step, his shoes felt more and more filled with lead. He hated the feeling. He turned the corner and everything looked normal. Ray and Bob sat in the front lounge. Ray was on reading a book and Bob was checking the sports scores online. Gerard sighed. It was time to move to the next level. He nodded at Ray as he made his way down the aisle and towards the bunk area.
Gerard heard them before he saw them.
“Because I can’t have both of you fighting on stage in front of 20,000 people, Mikey! Why can’t you understand that?” he heard Frank shout in an angry tone. “I don’t care what you do, but you to will work out your little squabble by tomorrow’s show. Is that clear?”
“Are you kidding me?” Mikey’s voice was heavy with attitude. Something Gerard felt he never heard anymore.
“Mikey,” Frank asserted.
“Yes, father.” Mikey finally relinquished.
Gerard heard the bathroom door almost slam and decided he should go for it now. He slipped passed the partially closed door and saw Frank leaning against the wall with hand over his eyes.
Frank heard the sound of Gerard and turned towards him. He looked tired.
“Hey,” Gerard said quietly putting his hands in his pockets.
Frank sighed with a slight smile, “Hey. Where’s the bottle?”
Gerard shook his head, “Not tonight. Not feeling it.”
Frank smiled a bit more, “That’s nice to see. I thought you’d be foggier by the
time you made it back. But since you’re not, you need to talk to him.” He pointed towards the closed bathroom door.
Gerard nashed his teeth. “What do you mean?”
Frank raised his eyebrows, flowing back into paternal mode, “I mean, whatever happened today and tonight, you need to talk it over. Pronto. I don’t want to see you guys fighting.”
Gerard pursed his lips, “Frankie, it’s really nothing.”
“Don’t call me that and I don’t care what it’s really. I just need to know it’s been handled,” Frank waved his hands at Gerard.
“I can hear everything you say,” Mikey said from behind the bathroom door. His voice sounded irritated.
Frank brought his voice down to a low whisper, “Just talk to him, please.”
Gerard saw the begging in his eyes. He wanted to make sure they were okay. He didn’t blame him. Today had been so odd.
Gerard nodded his head. “Fine,” he didn’t want to. He didn’t know what to say to him. His mind went blank.
Mikey emerged from the bathroom. Gerard couldn’t help but stare at his brother. His tight band t-shirt riding up revealing the hip bones that were pronounced above the waistband of his flannel pants. Mikey looked a little shocked he was there. He, obviously, had heard him in the bathroom, but he still had the look of surprise in his young face.
Gerard swallowed his fears and tried to find his voice, “Mikey. We need to talk.”
Mikey gave a sarcastic smirk and didn’t look him straight on, “Then talk.” He waved a hand at him, telling him to move on.
Gerard threw his jacket into his bunk, “No, come on. Let’s take a walk.”
Mikey sighed like a teenager that was just too cool for the situation. He walked past Gerard with a forced and exaggerated lethargy. Gerard smelled his fresh clean scent and his wet slicked back hair. He tried to contain himself, but the scent made him want to touch Mikey right there.
Gerard followed his brother off the bus. “Follow me,” he said and began walking towards the street lamps in the parking lot. He found a grassy median that sat randomly among the straight white lines. It was a good distance from all the other buses, meaning no one could see them talk. He sat down on the curb and Mikey took a seat a little too far from him. He didn’t move, but just took a deep breath and decided to get it over with.
“I’m sorry I bothered you during the show. I was just angry because you stole the sketch from my bunk,” Gerard sped through the statement.
Mikey shook his head with a disgusted look on his face that shined in the golden light of the street lamp overhead. His profile was edged out in the light and you could see that beautiful jaw line. Oh how Gerard wanted to bite it and rub his lips against it till they were raw.
“Why did you sketch me?” Mikey started, waking Gerard up from his fantasy.
The question took him off guard. He didn’t know what to say. Anything but the truth. his mind stated. “I always draw you,” he cursed himself for not taking his own advice. He could feel the filter between his mind and mouth disintegrating with the help of his heavy, shameful heart.
Mikey’s lower lip quivered. Gerard could tell he hadn’t expected that blunt answer. “Why?” Mikey looked down onto the parking lot asphalt. The shadows on his face deepened.
“Cause you are just… perfect. Everything about you just screams it, making you the perfect subject,” at this point, Gerard’s attempts to think before he spoke were futile. He began not caring about what he couldn’t control.
Mikey scoffed, “I’m nothing perfect. …Just don’t do it anymore. Don’t sketch me.”
Gerard’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’ll sketch what I want, Mikey. You’re not gonna stop me.”
Gerard saw the switch flip in Mikey, from annoyed to angry.
“I said stop. It’s my body, it’s my face. Why can’t you respect that?” his teeth gritted making his tone dark and harsh.
“Oh so trying to recreate you on paper is now disrespecting you? Wow. I must be the worst brother ever,” Gerard squinted.
“Shut up,” his tone darkened another level.
“You know, you wouldn’t have a problem with it if you weren’t so fucking weird this morning. How was I suppost to know you were magically gone rise from the dead and come haunt me? God damn it, Mikey. You hide away for months and when you come out, you act like we are all the ignorant ones.” Gerard tapped his tongue behind his teeth. In his peripheral vision, he saw Mikey’s hands turning to fists.
“Don’t criticize me for the things I do. You don’t know the half of it,” Mikey’s knuckles were turning white.
Gerard kept pushing. He wanted to see Mikey worked up again. He wanted to see him alive in the eyes. “You are the biggest fucking hypocrite. You tell me not to criticize you when you are telling me what not to draw. I think you, Mikey, don’t know the half of it. You can be so selfish.”
That was it. Mikey was up standing over Gerard with angry eyes and a voice to match. “Don’t you fucking call me selfish!” he shouted. “I spent my whole life living in your shadow and watching over you and never once did I ask for the spotlight. Not fucking once! You think you own everyone you meet. You are so fucking controlling that you forget to control yourself! I am forced to take care you and you don’t even take one second to thank me.”
Gerard stood up too, now. He looked his brother in the eyes. He saw all the hate and rage. Something inside of him told him to keep going. He wanted to see how far he could take this. “You know what? You’re right. I do have to be cared for. I can’t take care of myself. But you, my own brother, the one you is supposed to be there for me, has disappeared off the edge of the planet. You wonder why I drink it down every night? It’s cause you left me. You’re never there to catch me anymore.”
Mikey shook his head and laughed maliciously, “Don’t try to use that one, Way. Maybe if you weren’t so heavy on the alcohol you would know that every night when you’re trashed out of your fucking mind, I’m there. You always come to the edge of my bunk, crying for me. ‘You hate me. You hate me,’ his voice going high to mimic a toddler’s cry. “You cry and cry at my bunk until I come and dry your eyes and put you to sleep. I’m the one taking care of you, still. No matter how many times I do it, you still say I hate you? I wouldn’t take care of your alcoholic shit if I hated you. Maybe if you cleaned up a bit you would remember that.”
Gerard was speechless. He had no idea. “Mikey, why didn’t you tell me this before?”
Mikey bit his quivering lip. The tears were welling up in his eyes now. “You wouldn’t have cared. It’s just my job. It always has been. I just wish you were there for me. I just wish someone was there for me.” The tears flooded over his lids and streaked down his face.
Gerard immediately regretted what he had said before, “I wanted to be there for you. I really did but I just didn’t know how. I thought it would push you away and I couldn’t bear doing that.”
Mikey’s eyes continued their trails down his angled face. The tears glittered in the dim light. “Well congratulations. I’m still here. Just waiting. For the impossible.”
Gerard felt goosebumps cover his whole body. The look on Mikey’s face could kill him. He had never ever seen Mikey this way. “What’s the impossible?”
Mikey smiled and looked up trying to blink away the tears. “Doesn’t even fucking matter anymore. I’ve really tried Gerard, but I can’t get you out of my head. Goodnight.” His brother turned away walking back towards the bus.
Gerard watched him wipe away more tears and shake his wet hair. He felt his chest ache. Do something. Say something. It urged him. He took a deep breath. “Mikey!” he called after his brother. Mikey made no sign that he had even heard him, even though Gerard knew he was just ignoring him. Try. His chest hurt with affection. “Why do you have to try?” he shouted as loud as he could. Mikey had to have heard him. He must have.
He saw his brother stop midstep. He saw him pause and stretch his back. Mikey turned slightly, looking towards Gerard. Then, he turned his body and began walking back to him. His stride was so large that he seemed to be approaching Gerard rapidly.
Mikey’s face was coming into view. His eyes on Gerard. There was something he had never seen in his brother’s eyes. Passion? he asked himself but shook away the idea.
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Mikey sped faster to Gerard. His eyes on him. He could see the look of wonder in his eyes. He knew Gerard didn’t know what was coming. He took two more large steps and crashed his lips into his brothers. At first, the kiss was all force but Mikey eased his mouth open and let his hand grab the hair on the back of Gerard’s head, adding heat and lustfulness to the kiss. He had wanted to do this for so long, he needed this.
------------------------------------------
Gerard’s head reeled. Mikey was kissing him. Little, shy Mikey Way was kissing him. Powerfully, too. His hand pulled at Gerard’s hair in a mix of pain and pleasure and his lips frantically curved around Gerard’s, changing their position every other second. They moved together, symbiotically, one forward the other back.
Gerard couldn’t let this end. He edged his lips to the side of Mikey’s mouth, kissing a trail of sweet pecks to that jaw line. The one he thought of in the shower every day. He couldn’t believe it was happening. He first kissed the highest point, just below his ear. Then he followed the strong curve and got more vicious with every inch. By the time he was to the chin, he was biting and sucking like his life depended on it. Mikey let out a moan of appreciation. Oh the sound that came from his perfect lips was bound to be cemented in Gerard’s ears for eternity.
He returned to Mikey’s lips and began delving deeper into his mouth. Mikey wasn’t too fast to let him control this though. This was his time for the spotlight. No more shadows for Mikey, starting now. Gerard could tell.
Mikey put his hands on Gerard’s chest and pushed him, just like tonight on stage, but now with a totally different purpose. Gerard’s back thudded against the grass of the median and Mikey climbed over him. He grabbed both of Gerard’s hands and raised them above his head. Gerard’s back arched forward at the pain of position, but he couldn’t complain in the least, because he was enjoying every second of it.
Mikey reached for Gerard’s shirt tail and pulled it over his head. He flung it into oblivion and then did the same with his. He rubbed Gerard’s naked chest. The cold hair stung his skin and made the slightest warm touch of Mikey’s skin feel like fire.
Gerard felt the harsh grass beneath his back. This was unreal. Gerard’s mind was racing. All he wanted was Mikey to moan and squeal for him. Mikey shifted his weight, putting a knee between Gerard’s legs, putting pressure on his already tingling crotch. Now Gerard was moaning, leaving no question of who’s in control. This took Gerard off guard and also turned him on like nothing had ever. He’d never seen Mikey so animalistic, so instinctive. Had he done this before with a guy? At this point, Gerard didn’t care. All that mattered was there was a growing pain in Gerard’s pants. Mikey obviously felt and pushed even harder against it. Gerard was seeing stars in his eyes. “Mikey,” he begged in a choked, quiet voice.
“Not yet,” Mikey said firmly and Gerard didn’t argue. He winced at the pain but let Mikey continue pressing down and kissing his neck.
Mikey continued like this for what seemed like eternity. The pressing, the kissing, the biting all blended into this crazy, euphoric experience for Gerard. His brain was put on autopilot and all he could do was lye there and accept the intense waves of ardor that washed over him.
When he thought he had Mikey’s course of action all planned out, he was thrown off. Mikey’s lips disappeared from his skin for a mere second and quicker than they had left, Gerard felt the hot breath on his ear. He felt the condensation saturating his lob and he turned his head for a better angle.
“What do you want from me, Gerard?” he said his name so malevolently, so cruelly. Gerard felt his pants get even tighter. “Huh?” Mikey said again when all he got was mumbles and moans for a response. The short syllable gave a blast of heat in Gerard’s ear.
“Everything,” Gerard forced the word out. Every ounce of him went along with it. “I want every piece of you. I need you.”
Mikey chuckled a twisted laugh and the bass of his voice rumbled Gerard’s ear drum. The feeling was contrasted with the nit picking of Gerard’s pants. He felt the button pop and the zipper slide down with a dangerous squeal. Sooner than Gerard thinks, Mikey’s hand goes down the front of his pants, not touching him, just tempting him. Teasing him.
Gerard’s lower anatomy is throbbing with the wonderful pain of anticipation. “Mikey,” he whimpers again.
“Shh. What do you say?” his hot breath still in his ear. Gerard’s senses running at full capacity.
“Please, Mikey. Please,” he whispers and then Mikey aggressively grabs him. Gerard’s eyes shot open at the surprise.
Mikey melts away the shock with soft strokes varying in pressures. The pain is relinquishing now and Gerard just wants more. He opens his tentative lips again, heart beating fast as he begs his request, “Please, Mikey. Fuck me. Please.”
He feels Mikey smile against his skin. “Pants off, then.” He feels the coolness of the night hit his body and is now aware that Mikey has gotten off him. Gerard doesn’t care that he’s in a fucking parking lot in the middle of the night. He doesn’t care that anyone could walk over and see this. He needs this right now more than anything. He quickly jumps out of his jeans and is naked in front of the world. He looks up to Mikey with the question of what was next in his eyes.
“Lay down,” he commands and Gerard doesn’t think twice. He’s fallen under his spell and there’s no denying it. Mikey gets in between his legs and looks Gerard in the eyes. Even though this sex god had overtaken his body, Gerard still sees his kind, compassionate brother in there. Still sees the one that is there for him.
Mikey kisses him again but now it’s softer, not as forced. He continues this and like nothing happened at all, he shoves his finger viciously into Gerard. Taken by surprise, Gerard gasps into the kisses. The pain is dire, with no preparation, but so is the requisite for it. The distinction between soft and hard is unbelievable and Gerard soon feels himself arching towards Mikey’s finger, asking for more. He gets another finger along side, stretching him even further. He groans into Mikey’s mouth, loud and appreciative.
The kisses stop and so do the fingers. Gerard is laying there when he hears Mikey’s voice again, not as close as before. “Are you ready?” he finally hears a caring in his voice, a thoughtfulness.
Gerard bits his lip hard and nods. Then he feels Mikey in him. His muscles tighten and his neck strains. He could have came right there, but he restrains himself.
“You okay?” Mikey asks and his lips grace Gerard’s neck.
Gerard nods, “Keep going.”
And Mikey does, slowly first with a lot of friction, but with the every motion it becomes easier and sweeter. Gerard feels the pressure building up quickly in his stomach. He’s waiting to unleash it, trying to hold out for as long as possible. Mikey can sense this and is determined to kill off his control. He grabs his dick with a free hand and starts kneading it between his fingers. Gerard bits his lip and shuts his eyes as hard as possible. He’s on the edge of ecstasy. The peak of pleasure. “Mikey, Mikey,” he shouts out. He wants to go longer.
Mikey bends over to his ear again, “No, now.” His voice alone causes Gerard body to convulse and shake. He screams out as he releases himself all over Mikey’s hand.
He lays there in the dead of night, eyes closed hard, chest moving up and down at an alarming rate.
“You, okay?” Mikey’s soft voice is high from him now. Gerard opens his eyes and sees his brother standing over him, buttoning his pants and pulling on his shirt. He grabs Gerard’s clothes and throws them over to his naked body lying on the curb.
“Couldn’t be better,” Gerard smiles and tries getting up. “Thank you.” He struggles to pull on his jeans, his body still stiff in orgasm.
Mikey crawls over to him and kisses his neck again. “I’m so glad we had this talk. I think we made a bit of progress.”
Gerard pulls his shirt on and kisses Mikey’s lips softly. “We should get back.”
Mikey shrugs and pulls Gerard off the curb and into his arms. “I never really got to tell you how much I love you. There is no one else I’d rather take care of.”
Gerard kisses the corner of his mouth, “There’s nothing else I’d rather draw. I love you, Mikey and that's just the way it is.”
♠ ♠ ♠
Not exaclty happy with the ending, but it will do. Been trying to get this out of my system for awhile now. Many hard nights at work when I have school the next day.Comments are appreciated.
Morgan