Kids in Love

“This is the memory. This is the curse of having too much time to think about it. It’s killing me. This is the last time this is my forgiveness. This is endless…”

{#!#}

We all woke up early the following morning. Not by choice. Ayden decided it would be a brilliant idea to get up at seven thirty and go sprinting through the bus screaming his lungs out. Derek fell out of the bunk and Alex fell on top of him from the bunk above us. Derek’s arm is bruised and covered in rug burn, Alex has bruises on his ribs from Derek’s elbow and none of the rest of us could breathe because we were laughing so hard. Derek and I spent the day with Ayden walking around New York. We took him to Times Square and Central Park and the Empire State Building. I took a hundred pictures at least, but then my camera died. I managed to get pictures at all the different places we went though, so I was happy about that. When we finally got back to the bus, Ayden was about to fall asleep. Derek and the boys had to go to soundcheck so I took advantage of the silence on the bus. I took Ayden to his bed and tucked him. I sang to him until he fell asleep, which he did quickly, and then went to the front lounge to read. Derek came on the bus around a half an hour later.

“Hey baby girl, where’s Ayden?” he asked and then kissed my forehead. I marked my page and set the book aside.

“He’s asleep,” I told him with a smile.

“Oh, yeah we kind of wore him out today huh?” he laughed and I smiled at him again. Ever since I had spoken to John about Garrett I felt like I couldn’t get him out of my head and I felt bad about that. “What’s wrong honey?” he questioned as he took the seat next to me.

“What do you mean?” I asked. I had gotten pretty good at playing dumb over the years. Sometimes Derek could see right through me.

“You’ve been kind of out of it since you talked to John the other day. I figured you’d get over it or talk to me about it on your own but you’re kind of worrying me. Are you ok?” he explained and took my hands in his. The uncontained concern in his eyes disarmed me and made me want to tell him everything.

“I don’t know what to think anymore… ever since John mentioned coming to visit him when we’re in Phoenix I’ve been torn between whether or not I want to see Garrett. I know Ayden does and I miss Garrett. Every time I think of how much I miss Garrett I fell awful and now I can’t stop thinking of him and I feel horrible because of that too, a-and…” By the time I finished I was crying hysterically. I had bottled some of that up for weeks. Derek pulled me into his chest and I moved so I was in his lap and had my arms around his neck. I cried into his shoulder and he rocked slowly back and forth until I calmed down enough to speak. “Derek, I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too baby, always,” he said softly. He hand found the side of my face and he pulled my lips to his. He kissed me softly and I was reminded of how we used to be and how much we’ve changed since I left.

“Derek?”

“Yeah?”

“When’s the next off day?”

“A week, we’ll be in Chicago. Why?” he questioned.

“Can we do something that day? Just me and you?” I asked and his eyes softened.

“Of course, Jake can watch Ayden and we’ll go out somewhere,” he replied. “I’ll get everything ready tomorrow.” We sat on the couch and cuddled for a few minutes until Jake came to tell Derek that it was almost time for their set. Derek left and a few minutes later Adam, Mayday’s merch guy, came on the bus telling me to get my ass inside.

“Derek sent me to tell you to go watch their set and I’ll watch Ayden but you may want to hurry because they’re about to go on,” he said quickly and then pushed me out the door. I ran inside just in time to catch Derek. He kissed me and then ran out onto the stage after the rest of the boys.

“Hello New York City!” he yelled and the show started. The last song was the only one that I hadn’t heard, that I hadn’t even known about really. “This song is going on our new record and this is the first time we’ve ever played it at a show. You guys are the first outside the band to hear it. This song is called Anywhere But Here,” he explained and then Jake counted them off.

“Tonight is the one thing left
And I haven't said it yet
I'm falling and the writing's on the wall

Today was misery
And I just can't believe this happened
And I finally broke down
She held on to my heart
But now my only star is falling
And it's burning to the ground
Now I'm crying out

Secret love, my escape
Take me far, far away
Secret love, are you there?
Will you answer my prayer?
Please take me anywhere but here
Anywhere but here

You're all I've got right now
No one else figures out this feeling
And how lonely it can get
These words can cut right through
'Cause all along I knew you're sorry
But you haven't said it yet
But I won't forget

Secret love, my escape
Take me far, far away
Secret love, are you there?
Will you answer my prayer?
Please take me anywhere but here

When we're together
Thoughts of her disappear
If I fell to pieces
You'd heal this pain I feel

Secret love, my escape
Take me far, far away
Secret love, are you there?
Will you answer my prayer?

Secret love, my escape
Take me far, far away
Secret love, are you there?
Will you answer my prayer?
Please take me anywhere but here
Anywhere but here.”

Derek thanked the crowd before all the boys came off the stage. I threw my arms around his neck and he picked me up and turned me in a circle before setting me down and kissing me softly.

“That song was amazing. Why haven’t I heard about it?” I questioned as we walked out to the bus.

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” he shrugged and kissed my temple. The boys stayed on the bus for a few minutes before going out to meet the fans and such. We were on the road again a couple hours later.

{#!#}

The bus ride seemed shorter that it actually was. The cause was most likely the fact that Ayden and I slept for a large majority of the trip. Ayden loved to sleep with Derek and I at home and he had a bad dream while I was lying in our bunk so I let him climb up next to me. I hadn’t actually planned on falling asleep but our nap was much needed. Ayden had woken up before me. I rubbed my eyes and went out into the front lounge. I heard Ayden in the back lounge laughing with Jake and Alex. Brooks was in the kitchenette rooting through the fridge as usual and Jeremy was in the captain seat talking to Ray, our bus driver. Derek, who had noticed me come in, was sitting on the couch with his glasses on and his nose in a book. I smiled and walked over to him slowly. I grabbed the book from him, making sure to keep his page, and kissed him all in one motion.

“Sleep good?” he questioned with a smile.

“Yes I did. You always have your nose in a book, I swear,” I said as I sat down next to him. I looked at the cover of the book and shook my head. “Again? You’ve read this like ten times,” I reminded him.

“It’s a good book,” he countered and took it back. He marked his page and set it on the small table in the corner. He was reading The Great Gatsby for the hundredth time.

“I don’t see how you can read that over and over again,” I commented.

“I don’t know, I like reading it I guess,” he shrugged. I kissed him softly and smiled at him. Ayden came barreling into the room then and dove into Derek’s lap. Derek smiled and laughed as he caught him and hugged him close. I couldn’t help but smile. It was moments like those that let me know I made the right decision when I stayed with Derek. I couldn’t explain how wonderful it felt to know that he loved our son and that Ayden loved him as well. Ayden and Derek are practically inseparable now.

“Mommy when can we get off the bus again?” he questioned as he shifted towards me.

“Soon baby, around thirty minutes ok?” He nodded and jumped down from Derek’s lap and ran back into the back lounge again. I smiled as I watched him go. For a moment I remembered watching him run down the hall after Garrett. I shook the thought from my head as soon as I realized.

“Come on,” Derek said and pulled me off the couch. He led me back to our bunk and climbed in. I lay down next to him and curled into his chest. I wasn’t tired and I was sure he knew that. He loved to just lay with me and that was fine by me. “I love you,” he whispered and I smiled.

“I love you too,” I replied. We were quiet for a few minutes before I decided to ask him the question burning in the back of my throat. “Derek?”

“Yeah baby girl?” I took a deep breath. I was afraid he would get mad at me for asking, that he would think I doubted him which I don’t, at all.

“I’m just curious because we’ve never really talked about it but um… what do you think of Ayden?”

“I think he’s amazing,” he said softly. I could tell by his tone of voice that he was thinking of Ayden now and not really focusing on what he was saying, just saying exactly what he thought. “He’s so smart and he’s so much like you. I love spending time with him. At first, when you told me about him, I was terrified. First I was afraid of just seeing him, then I was afraid of actually being a father, the idea just scared me. Once I got over that I was scared he wouldn’t like me or that I wouldn’t get to see him again after tour. Then you walked in with him and he came over and hugged me and I wasn’t afraid anymore. It seemed natural that day for him to be there and to be my son, our son. You and Ayden are my world.”

“Yeah, you two are my world. My two boys, God knows I love you both,” I told him. He smiled down at me and kissed my lips.