Kids in Love

“I could only sing you sad songs and you could sing along. And you could see the melody that's been calling out your wrongs. And this never will be right with me and now you're trying to desperately but I'm tongue tied and terrified of what I'll say.”

{#!#}

I stepped off the bus into the hot Arizona sun and smiled despite myself. We were meeting with John, Kenny, Pat, and Jared … the fifth member of the band wasn’t attending for obvious reasons. We were meeting the guys at a Starbucks down the street from the venue. They were coming to the show tonight and tomorrow we hadn’t decided what we were doing. The guys followed me off the bus and we started down the street, following John’s directions to the Starbucks. Ayden was on Jake’s back laughing because Jake kept tickling him. Derek and I walked ahead of them hand in hand. Brooks and Jeremy were behind Jake and Ayden talking about something that I couldn’t hear. We turned the corner and the Starbucks came in sight. We got closer and saw a group of guys in skinny jeans standing just outside the door. We saw each other at nearly the same time and sprinted towards each other. I jumped and we collided but instead of falling to the ground I ended up locked in his arms with a vice grip of my own around his lanky frame.

“I missed you Johnny,” I whispered trying not to cry because I’d feel like a wuss.

“I missed you too baby girl,” he replied and I knew he meant it. The rest of my little group had reached us by then so we joined them and joined the rest of John’s band. I hugged the other three boys and Ayden about pissed his pants when John scooped him up and kissed his forehead. We went inside and sat in the air conditioning and talked. John, Pat, and Jared walked with us back to the venue and Kenny drove his car, which the boys had driven here from Tempe, to the venue. When we got to the building Kenny was waiting by the side door and everyone followed him in. John grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the door when I tried to walk through it. He didn’t stop or let go until we were around the back of the venue.

“John, what the hell?” I questioned.

“I’m sorry but I promised him I’d ask you this…” he mumbled.

“Promised who, what?” I was confused to say the least.

“I promised Garrett that I would ask you if…”

“John spit it out!” I told him.

“He wants to see Ayden… and you… tomorrow,” he said slowly. I let that sink in for a moment.

“Me?” was all I really heard. Why would he want to see me after I ripped his heart out less than a week before?

“Yes, you… He said to ask you if you would bring Ayden to meet him somewhere in Phoenix, just the three of you,” John explained.

“I don’t think that’s the best idea John…” I said reluctantly. That wasn’t a brilliant idea for two reasons… One: I seriously doubt any good will come of this considering the information he received less than one week ago. Two: I don’t think I can convince Derek to let me go by myself. Of course I wouldn’t expect him to be ok with me going somewhere with my ex-boyfriend, the guy that helped raise my child. I wouldn’t be ok with it if I were in a position like that. I know Derek trusts me but I also know that he would be a paranoid nervous wreck the entire time I was gone.

“I know and I told him that you would say that. He said, and I quote, ‘tell her I miss her and Ayden and I want to spend a little time with them even if it’s just lunch somewhere,’” he told me and I nodded, lost in thought.

“I’ll have to talk to Derek about it John. I really don’t think he’ll be ok with it though, but I will try, for Ayden’s sake if anything else,” I told him softly and he nodded. We walked around the building and inside to find everyone crowded around the stage. Ayden was perched in Derek’s lap and I went up and sat next to them and kissed Ayden’s head and Derek’s cheek.

“Where were you?” he asked quietly.

“John wanted to talk to me, and I need to talk to you sometime today,” I told him and he nodded. We caught up with the guys for a little while and about two hours later they decided that they wanted to take Ayden to a park they knew that was supposed to be really cool. The guys took Ayden and Derek and I stayed behind to have the conversation I’d rather avoid. I hated bringing up Garrett much less having an entire conversation about him because Derek changed when Garrett was brought up. He seemed colder, distant almost, because he knew that Garrett had a certain hold over me that he couldn’t figure out.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” he asked when we sat down in the back lounge. His question hung in the air for a moment, the bus was silent and I could feel the tension. He knew that he wouldn’t enjoy this conversation and I knew he wouldn’t either but I felt like I owed Garrett this much.

“G-Garrett wants to see Ayden tomorrow… and me,” I said softly, my voice just above a whisper. Derek said nothing. “John said that he wants to have lunch with just the three of us. I told him that I didn’t think that a good idea… Garrett said he misses Ayden and he wants to see him, and I… I feel like I owe him this much. It’ll just be lunch, an hour or two tops,” I explained. Derek was staring at his hands and I had never felt more selfish than I did in that moment. I couldn’t believe myself… I was asking the man that I was going to marry if I could go see my ex-boyfriend. What was worse is that I couldn’t make myself say ‘never mind’ or ‘actually, I’d rather spend the day with you and Ayden.’ I couldn’t deny that I wanted to see Garrett, if for no other reason that to find out why he would want to see me after all I’ve done to him.

“I don’t want you to go but I won’t tell you that you can’t. It’s your decision, you’re a grown woman and I can’t tell you what to do. If you feel like you need to see him or want to see him then go ahead…” he said softly. His eyes never left his hands. We sat in silence for a moment until he got up and walked out. I heard the bus door open and close. I sighed but stayed seated in the back lounge until the bus door opened and closed and voices floated back to me.

“Mommy!” Ayden yelled and jumped in my lap.

“Hi baby, did you have fun?” I questioned.

“Yes! There was a slide and swings and a merry go round! We played hide and seek too and guess what!” he said excitedly.

“What?”

“I won!” he exclaimed.

“You did, good job sweetie,” I commended him and he grinned.

“Where’s Daddy?” he asked looking around.

“He’ll be back later sweetie,” I told him not knowing what else to say. I knew Derek would be back for the show tonight but I had no idea where he went.

“Ok,” he pouted.

“How about we go get John and see if he wants to go get some dinner with us? Sound good?” I questioned and he nodded smiling a little. I picked him up and put him on my hip and walked out into the front lounge. “Go on and ask him,” I said as I set him down on the floor.

“John!”

“What’s up kiddo?” he asked with a smile.

“Will you come with me and Mommy to get dinner?”

“Of course, let’s go,” he replied and the three of us walked off the bus. We ended up at McDonald’s because it was down the street and had a play place. We ate and when he was done Ayden took off into the play place. “Ok, so what’s up?”

“I asked Derek about going to see Garrett tomorrow. He said that he didn’t want me to go but he wasn’t going to tell me that I couldn’t. I feel so awful. He just walked out after I asked him and I haven’t seen him since then. It was so selfish of me but I couldn’t make myself tell him I wouldn’t go or that I didn’t really want to because I’d be lying. I want to see Garrett and I feel horrible about it,” I explained immediately. I had asked Ayden to make John come for a reason. I knew John would listen and that’s what I needed. I didn’t need someone to tell me I wasn’t being selfish or I was or anything. I just needed one person to listen. I was scared of losing Derek… The last time he walked out on me I didn’t here from him for nearly three days. Then again, last time he didn’t have a show to play that night, a show that I would definitely be present for. Jake texted me a few minutes later.

Derek is at soundcheck. Wanna ambush him? it read. I couldn’t help but smile, Jake had a way of making me smile when I felt like I would cry.

Be there soon. I told John about the text and he called for Ayden. Both of them followed me into the building and sure enough Derek was on stage with his microphone in his hand. They were just about to start their soundcheck. Derek looked directly at me and then turned and told Jake what I assumed was a song he wanted to play for soundcheck. Jake nodded and tapped them off.

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
Too late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby

For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering

For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember you now, remember you now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side, sleep alone tonight
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
How does he feel, how does he kiss
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you I want to
I can't forget you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you I want to

I couldn’t handle that… it was a low blow. He told me he wrote it when he found out I was with Garrett on tour. I knew I was crying. When his eyes met mine I saw a flash of guilt. He hadn’t anticipated my reaction but he’d known that would hurt. I shook my head and I walked out. Later I would find out that Ayden had been extremely confused about the entire situation. He had asked John why I left crying and John had told him that Derek had upset me and he wanted to know how and why. When I left I had no clue where I was going. I just started walking. I had my cell phone so I could call John if I got lost… then again I knew Phoenix fairly well. Garrett and I had come here more than once. I ended up around five blocks away from the venue at an old run down park that John and I had found. I came here with John a few times as well. The one big fight that Garrett and I had I had ended up here. I didn’t want to be around him or anyone for that matter and Ayden was with John that night anyways so I drove here and sat in the park for hours. I slept in my car and beat Ayden home. Garrett and I had talked everything out that night when Ayden was in bed. I sat on one of the old swings, still crying. My phone rang. Derek <3

“What?” I answered sharply. I hadn’t meant it to sound that angry but I couldn’t deny that I was angry with him for trying to hurt me.

“Where are you?” he asked quietly.

“Out,” I replied shortly.

“Come on, Jamie. I’m worried about you. Are you ok?”

“So now you care about my feelings?”

“Don’t even try that Jamie, after what you sat there and asked me today,” he shot back angrily.

“I can’t believe you…” And I hung up.