This Still Belongs to You and Always Will
Chapter 10
Gerard’s P.O.V:
I’ve got the house to myself. I’m alone. I wandered downstairs and into the kitchen to get myself a coffee. The hissing of the boiling kettle was the only sound to be heard in the empty house. A few minutes later I was walking into the living room with my coffee and settling down on the couch to channel surf. My coffee was hot and it burnt my tongue when I took a sip. I hissed and pulled the cup from my mouth, causing it to spill onto my blue jeans. A curse escaped my lips when I saw the dark stain on them, spreading slowly but steadily…
…The rattling of the mailbox outside informed me that the mail had arrived. So I went outside to get the mail. A dark cloud was forming overhead, casting a dark shadow over the world. I flicked through the mail. It was nothing interesting. And then I found an envelope addressed to me. The black ink smudged and left little black smears on my fingers. With burning curiosity, I turned it over and tore it open to find a single folded piece of white paper.
I’M BaCK SUgAR
I recognised the writing immediately and it forced me into panic mode. The street was quiet but my heart still thudded. My palms became sticky as my hands shook. There was a sound of footsteps all around me. I whirled round but there was no one to be seen and it scared me even more. They were getting louder and I was certain he’d crept up behind me. But, once again, there was no one there. I fled back to the house and slammed the door shut, turning the key in the lock and putting the chain on. My head rested against the wooden door while my heavy breaths echoed around the house. How did he know where I live? It was unnecessery to wonder what he wanted or why he was here. I turned to re-enter the living room where I could see out onto the front lawn but found myself face-to-face with the one man who frightened me more than anything else in the world. He smirked as my eyes widened in horror. My mouth opened to cry out but he was too quick, clamping his hand over my mouth and forcing me back…
…My hair was long and black again. I was back in my old apartment. I was twenty-one years old again. And again I was being forced face down onto a familiar bed with the weight of a man preventing my escape. And again his hands scrabbled at my clothes. Again the sound of his belt being unbuckled reached my ears. And again that searing pain ripped through me as I was violated once again. My cries and pleas were ignored. My begging; ignored. My tears streaming down my face. Bert McCracken’s high, cold laugh ringing in my ears…
My eyes snapped open. Dark was all around me. An eerie green glow was coming from the neon numbers on my alarm clock. Frank’s arm was wrapped around my waist from where we’d fallen asleep. His warm, steady breaths fluttered on the back of my neck. I shivered; but not from cold. My dream replayed in my head. I sighed and carefully unwrapped Frankie’s arm, wriggling away from his warm body pressed right up against my own. My alarm clock flashed 2:28 am while I found my dark blue dressing gown on the floor and pulled it around my body so that I was decent…
…The harsh white tiles of the bathroom made me shield my eyes for a moment until they’d adjusted to the severity of them. My hands gripped the sides of the sink as I leant heavily on it, looking up at my reflection in the mirror. The faint sign of purple bags were beginning to show under my eyes, mixing their dark colour with the smudged eyeliner. My hair was sticking up on one side from where I’d been tossing and turning. I looked a mess. I ran my hands under the cold tap and splashed my face before trying to flatten my hair. Why am I dreaming about something that happened nine years ago? I wondered if it was the rumour being whispered around Belleville that Bert was getting out soon. It might be bothering me subconsciously. Whatever it is; it’s pathetic to be dreaming and worrying about stuff that happened almost a decade ago. I slammed my hands down angrily on the sink, causing my arms to vibrate painfully. My curse echoed off the walls…
…”What’s wrong baby?” Frankie whispered, propping himself up on one arm and pulling the duvet tighter round his waist.
“I’m fine.” I lied, brazenly throwing my dressing gown aside and crawling onto the bed beside him.
He unwrapped the covers from around his waist and wrapped them around both our clothe-less bodies. I grunted some form of thanks, distracted by my frighteningly real dream. What if he is out and prowling the streets? He could be asking around, searching for us. Someone could get hurt.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Frankie questioned, bringing me outta’ my thoughts.
“Nothing,” I replied “I just had a bad dream.”
“Oh; my poor baby.” He cooed sympathetically, wrapping his arms round me and letting my head rest on his bare chest while he stroked my hair.
His soft, steady heartbeat soothed my worries like a lullaby soothes a small frightened child. He’s always had a knack for calming me. Like this one time when I was in hospital, after washing myself with bleach, I had a really bad nightmare and he was there to talk me down and reassure me that he was there to protect me.
My eyes snapped open. A white light blinded me. My hospital gown was firmly in place, no one had touched me. Frank peered over me, worry etched all over his face.
“What is it?” He whispered, gently pushing my sweat drenched hair from my face.
I kept twitching and jerking my head around in alarm, looking for Bert. I was being an idiot but… what if…what if he was here?
“Gerard…Gerard,” Frank said calmly “Gerard, calm down…Please calm down.”
“They…they…no one would help me…Elena…they took her from me…I shouted as loud as I could but…but…they wouldn’t help! They took her away…Mikey he...and you…you wouldn’t help me…and he…he was laughing…he said I have nothing…I shouted but they just watched me suffering-“
“Gerard!” Frank repeated, stroking my hair soothingly “It’s ok, you had a nightmare. No one’s taking Elena from you ok? No one’s gonna’ watch you suffer! You’re fine.”
I struggled to regulate my breathing, wringing the bed sheets agitatedly. Scrunching them right up in my balled fists. My eyes swivelled round the room, restlessly. My grip on the sheets tightened until my knuckles turned white.
“Please; just calm down,” Frank said gently “Just take a deep breath.”
My fists stayed curled, beginning to shake and my eyes kept darting from this corner to that corner. Frank noticed this and took my fists in his soft hands, slowly unclenching them.
“Look at me,” He insisted firmly but gently “Gerard; look at my eyes.”
When I couldn’t, he gently cupped my face and turned me to look at him. I found peace in those beautiful hazel orbs. My breathing steadied as I continued to focus on his eyes.
“You’re ok. Everything’s fine.” He insisted.
“Bu-but what if-if Bert…and Elena-“
“Bert’s not laying another finger on you,” He insisted “If he wants to; he’ll have me to go through first.”
We both knew that Bert could knock little Frankie flying with his little finger but, for some reason, I felt a lot safer.
“Promise you’ll never leave me.” I pleaded pathetically, holding him tight.
“I promise you.” He replied, kissing the top of my head…
“What was it about?” Frankie whispered, glancing down at me.
“I dunno’,” I lied “Something stupid.”
He sighed to himself, still stroking my hair.
“Seven years of marriage and you still think I don’t know when you’re lying to me?” He questioned knowingly “C’mon Gerard, you know I can’t stand it when you keep things from me!”
“I know,” I confessed, sliding my arms around him “I just don’t want you worrying or anything.”
He has a habit of worrying and I hate it when Frankie worries. He was worried about me when he saw the bruises on my face where Bert had hit me. He was worried about mine and Elena’s well-being. He was worried about telling me it was Bert who’d dragged him down a dark alley and knocked the living daylights out of him. He was worried about me going onto a course of medication that was supposed to help with my uneasy nerves, which I ended up getting addicted to. Yes; Frank worries.
“Please tell me?” He begged.
“I-I had a dream about…Bert.”
His embrace around me tightened. I shivered against him pulling him as close to me as possible. He kissed the top of my head, nuzzling right in with his lips. The blood had rushed to his lips while he was sleeping so it looked like he’d plumped up his pout or something. That tends to happen to him a lot. He calls it his curse but I tell him it’s a gift. It means there’s more to kiss. He rubbed my back gently, silently encouraging me to tell him more.
“He broke into the house…” I began “It was just me… I dunno’ where you and Elena were but I was by myself.”
“Ok,” He said patiently as I hesitated “So what happened then?”
“Well; I tried to scream but he grabbed me…and then it changed to a flashback thing.”
“Of?” He prompted, rubbing small circles on my shoulders.
“The time he…he…”
I stopped, unable to bring myself to say it. Frankie continued to make small circles on my shoulders. His lips brushed against my temple. I snuggled closer, locking our bodies together. I need to be close to Frankie right now. I need to know he’s here. I need to feel his arms wrapped around me protectively and to hear the soft Thump…Thump…Thump of his heart as I drift off into uneasy sleep…
“He’s never hurting you again Gerard.”
That was the last thing I heard through the fog before my eyes closed heavily and wouldn’t open again despite my best efforts to stay awake.
C'mon let's hear it for Gerard *Waves hands in encouragement* Awwww
I’ve got the house to myself. I’m alone. I wandered downstairs and into the kitchen to get myself a coffee. The hissing of the boiling kettle was the only sound to be heard in the empty house. A few minutes later I was walking into the living room with my coffee and settling down on the couch to channel surf. My coffee was hot and it burnt my tongue when I took a sip. I hissed and pulled the cup from my mouth, causing it to spill onto my blue jeans. A curse escaped my lips when I saw the dark stain on them, spreading slowly but steadily…
…The rattling of the mailbox outside informed me that the mail had arrived. So I went outside to get the mail. A dark cloud was forming overhead, casting a dark shadow over the world. I flicked through the mail. It was nothing interesting. And then I found an envelope addressed to me. The black ink smudged and left little black smears on my fingers. With burning curiosity, I turned it over and tore it open to find a single folded piece of white paper.
I’M BaCK SUgAR
I recognised the writing immediately and it forced me into panic mode. The street was quiet but my heart still thudded. My palms became sticky as my hands shook. There was a sound of footsteps all around me. I whirled round but there was no one to be seen and it scared me even more. They were getting louder and I was certain he’d crept up behind me. But, once again, there was no one there. I fled back to the house and slammed the door shut, turning the key in the lock and putting the chain on. My head rested against the wooden door while my heavy breaths echoed around the house. How did he know where I live? It was unnecessery to wonder what he wanted or why he was here. I turned to re-enter the living room where I could see out onto the front lawn but found myself face-to-face with the one man who frightened me more than anything else in the world. He smirked as my eyes widened in horror. My mouth opened to cry out but he was too quick, clamping his hand over my mouth and forcing me back…
…My hair was long and black again. I was back in my old apartment. I was twenty-one years old again. And again I was being forced face down onto a familiar bed with the weight of a man preventing my escape. And again his hands scrabbled at my clothes. Again the sound of his belt being unbuckled reached my ears. And again that searing pain ripped through me as I was violated once again. My cries and pleas were ignored. My begging; ignored. My tears streaming down my face. Bert McCracken’s high, cold laugh ringing in my ears…
My eyes snapped open. Dark was all around me. An eerie green glow was coming from the neon numbers on my alarm clock. Frank’s arm was wrapped around my waist from where we’d fallen asleep. His warm, steady breaths fluttered on the back of my neck. I shivered; but not from cold. My dream replayed in my head. I sighed and carefully unwrapped Frankie’s arm, wriggling away from his warm body pressed right up against my own. My alarm clock flashed 2:28 am while I found my dark blue dressing gown on the floor and pulled it around my body so that I was decent…
…The harsh white tiles of the bathroom made me shield my eyes for a moment until they’d adjusted to the severity of them. My hands gripped the sides of the sink as I leant heavily on it, looking up at my reflection in the mirror. The faint sign of purple bags were beginning to show under my eyes, mixing their dark colour with the smudged eyeliner. My hair was sticking up on one side from where I’d been tossing and turning. I looked a mess. I ran my hands under the cold tap and splashed my face before trying to flatten my hair. Why am I dreaming about something that happened nine years ago? I wondered if it was the rumour being whispered around Belleville that Bert was getting out soon. It might be bothering me subconsciously. Whatever it is; it’s pathetic to be dreaming and worrying about stuff that happened almost a decade ago. I slammed my hands down angrily on the sink, causing my arms to vibrate painfully. My curse echoed off the walls…
…”What’s wrong baby?” Frankie whispered, propping himself up on one arm and pulling the duvet tighter round his waist.
“I’m fine.” I lied, brazenly throwing my dressing gown aside and crawling onto the bed beside him.
He unwrapped the covers from around his waist and wrapped them around both our clothe-less bodies. I grunted some form of thanks, distracted by my frighteningly real dream. What if he is out and prowling the streets? He could be asking around, searching for us. Someone could get hurt.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Frankie questioned, bringing me outta’ my thoughts.
“Nothing,” I replied “I just had a bad dream.”
“Oh; my poor baby.” He cooed sympathetically, wrapping his arms round me and letting my head rest on his bare chest while he stroked my hair.
His soft, steady heartbeat soothed my worries like a lullaby soothes a small frightened child. He’s always had a knack for calming me. Like this one time when I was in hospital, after washing myself with bleach, I had a really bad nightmare and he was there to talk me down and reassure me that he was there to protect me.
My eyes snapped open. A white light blinded me. My hospital gown was firmly in place, no one had touched me. Frank peered over me, worry etched all over his face.
“What is it?” He whispered, gently pushing my sweat drenched hair from my face.
I kept twitching and jerking my head around in alarm, looking for Bert. I was being an idiot but… what if…what if he was here?
“Gerard…Gerard,” Frank said calmly “Gerard, calm down…Please calm down.”
“They…they…no one would help me…Elena…they took her from me…I shouted as loud as I could but…but…they wouldn’t help! They took her away…Mikey he...and you…you wouldn’t help me…and he…he was laughing…he said I have nothing…I shouted but they just watched me suffering-“
“Gerard!” Frank repeated, stroking my hair soothingly “It’s ok, you had a nightmare. No one’s taking Elena from you ok? No one’s gonna’ watch you suffer! You’re fine.”
I struggled to regulate my breathing, wringing the bed sheets agitatedly. Scrunching them right up in my balled fists. My eyes swivelled round the room, restlessly. My grip on the sheets tightened until my knuckles turned white.
“Please; just calm down,” Frank said gently “Just take a deep breath.”
My fists stayed curled, beginning to shake and my eyes kept darting from this corner to that corner. Frank noticed this and took my fists in his soft hands, slowly unclenching them.
“Look at me,” He insisted firmly but gently “Gerard; look at my eyes.”
When I couldn’t, he gently cupped my face and turned me to look at him. I found peace in those beautiful hazel orbs. My breathing steadied as I continued to focus on his eyes.
“You’re ok. Everything’s fine.” He insisted.
“Bu-but what if-if Bert…and Elena-“
“Bert’s not laying another finger on you,” He insisted “If he wants to; he’ll have me to go through first.”
We both knew that Bert could knock little Frankie flying with his little finger but, for some reason, I felt a lot safer.
“Promise you’ll never leave me.” I pleaded pathetically, holding him tight.
“I promise you.” He replied, kissing the top of my head…
“What was it about?” Frankie whispered, glancing down at me.
“I dunno’,” I lied “Something stupid.”
He sighed to himself, still stroking my hair.
“Seven years of marriage and you still think I don’t know when you’re lying to me?” He questioned knowingly “C’mon Gerard, you know I can’t stand it when you keep things from me!”
“I know,” I confessed, sliding my arms around him “I just don’t want you worrying or anything.”
He has a habit of worrying and I hate it when Frankie worries. He was worried about me when he saw the bruises on my face where Bert had hit me. He was worried about mine and Elena’s well-being. He was worried about telling me it was Bert who’d dragged him down a dark alley and knocked the living daylights out of him. He was worried about me going onto a course of medication that was supposed to help with my uneasy nerves, which I ended up getting addicted to. Yes; Frank worries.
“Please tell me?” He begged.
“I-I had a dream about…Bert.”
His embrace around me tightened. I shivered against him pulling him as close to me as possible. He kissed the top of my head, nuzzling right in with his lips. The blood had rushed to his lips while he was sleeping so it looked like he’d plumped up his pout or something. That tends to happen to him a lot. He calls it his curse but I tell him it’s a gift. It means there’s more to kiss. He rubbed my back gently, silently encouraging me to tell him more.
“He broke into the house…” I began “It was just me… I dunno’ where you and Elena were but I was by myself.”
“Ok,” He said patiently as I hesitated “So what happened then?”
“Well; I tried to scream but he grabbed me…and then it changed to a flashback thing.”
“Of?” He prompted, rubbing small circles on my shoulders.
“The time he…he…”
I stopped, unable to bring myself to say it. Frankie continued to make small circles on my shoulders. His lips brushed against my temple. I snuggled closer, locking our bodies together. I need to be close to Frankie right now. I need to know he’s here. I need to feel his arms wrapped around me protectively and to hear the soft Thump…Thump…Thump of his heart as I drift off into uneasy sleep…
“He’s never hurting you again Gerard.”
That was the last thing I heard through the fog before my eyes closed heavily and wouldn’t open again despite my best efforts to stay awake.
C'mon let's hear it for Gerard *Waves hands in encouragement* Awwww