I Had It All

-Kelsey’s Point Of View-

I ran into his arms, allowing his muscular body to lift me up and hug me tightly. “I’m so sorry!” I sobbed into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

Zack patted my back sweetly, but in the most platonic way. “It’s okay. Don’t apologize, Kels. We’ll work this out.”

He gently dropped me to my feet, looping an arm around my waist and resting his head upon my own as his eyes scanned the apartment. “Kels…” he sighed, saying nothing more, as if his voice inflection said everything he wanted to say, but couldn’t.

“You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to. I understand if you have band obligations,” I whispered.

Zack let go of me and looked at me seriously. “I am not leaving you here by yourself.”

“Really, Zack, it’s okay. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

“No, Kelsey! Damnit, don’t you understand? You’re not fine! This isn’t fine! I mean, look at you! Have you seen yourself? You obviously cannot take care of yourself. Not with him around.”

“He’s not around anymore, Zack!” I told him sternly, trying my hardest not to scream at him.

“Because of me! If I hadn’t come here and kicked his ass out of here this morning, he’d still be here and he’d probably be beating you, right now!”

My jaw dropped in awe and tears threatened to fall. Why would he say that? Of course it was probably true, but hearing him say it hurt. Seething, I turned on my heel and stormed into the bathroom.

“Kelsey! Kelsey, I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have said that-”

“I don’t care!” I shouted from the other side of the bathroom door, sliding down the wall as the tears fell faster down my cheeks. “Go away!”

“I’m not leaving, Kelsey. You know Ian’s not gone for good,” he reminded me.

I just stayed silent, except for the soft weeping sounds I was making. I knew what got me in this position. I knew it was my fault. I took all the blame, but I couldn’t help but still feel sorry for myself.

-Alex’s Point Of View-

“I know you’re going to be mad, but there’s not much we can do. Apparently, Kelsey isn’t working at AP anymore - at least, for now - so they’re asking for you to do another interview with a different interviewer. They’re not going to run Kelsey’s article in the issue until she starts working there again,” Matt informed me. “As for Jack and Rian…well, you can do whatever, but don’t make them regret letting you into the building.”

“Yes sir!” Jack saluted, immediately running off and acting like a three year-old.

I rolled my eyes at his juvenile antics and was whisked away by a man who had to be at least a foot shorter than myself, with peppered hair and a receding hairline. After he shut the door of the office, he looked up at me - which was slightly amusing in itself - and smiled sincerely. “I’m Peter Fitzgerald, your new interviewer.” He shook my hand firmly, and led me to a soft sofa that I nearly sank into. Peter sat across from me, clipboard in hand.
Looking up and smiling at me, he said, “Let’s jump right in here, shall we?”

-Kelsey’s Point Of View-

At this point, I was sitting on the bathroom floor, knees up to my chest, door locked, leaning against the door and balling my fists, hoping to let out my frustration somehow. Tears were narrowly escaping my eyes, and I was screeching quietly, just trying to make my sobbing subside.

“Kels,” I heard from the other side of the door, “Can you please open the door? It’s been almost an hour.” Zack sounded exhausted, but I couldn’t blame him; he’d been bickering with me to come out of the bathroom for over sixty minutes. No matter how many times he apologized - even though it wasn’t his fault - I still wouldn’t open the door. I knew I was being difficult, but I didn’t want any contact with anyone at that point.

“Please, I’m serious-” He stopped his sentence short when I finally stood up and opened the door, standing face-to-face with him.

“Don’t apologize,” I whispered, falling against him and tearing up silently again.

He rubbed my back, sighing. “Want to talk about it?”

I didn’t say anything or look him in the eye. I just walked down the hallway into the living room, knowing he was following me, and I sat down on the couch.

“Do you want to tell me what’s been going on? Or, how you got here? I mean, I’ll be honest, I just don’t understand why you moved in with him-” Zack was rambling and it was making my head hurt.

“I cheated,” I stated simply.

That got him to shut up. His head tilted in confusion and his eyebrows knitted together. “Cheated? On Ian?”

“No.” I stared him in the eyes, hoping he’d get the hint.

“You - you mean… You cheated… with Ian?” The incredulous, shocked look in his eyes wasn’t exactly what I was expecting. I’d expected hatred, immediate loathing. But he just looked at me, jaw agape.

I nodded, confirming what he’d said had been true. “When I was dating Alex…” my voice choked, tears threatening to fall again, “I had sex with Ian. He never hurt me. At least, not then, anyway.”

“What? I’m so confused! I mean, I just don’t get it-”

“I’m a bad person! I know it, okay?! I fucked up. And not only did I cheat on Alex, but I lied to him about it! I hated myself for that. I’ve never forgiven myself, and I don’t think I ever could. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I just couldn’t keep dating him, all the while knowing he’d be better without me. So Ian asked me out, and I didn’t deny him; I knew I hated Ian, but I thought I deserved him because he was scum, just like I was.”

“So, then why did you cheat in the first place?” Zack asked softly, not trying to be judgmental, though I knew this couldn’t have sounded acceptable at all.

Once again, a fresh wave of tears leaked silently from my eyes, and while I spoke, I attempted to blink them back. “One day after Alex left my house, Ian showed up in his junk, fucked-up truck like he owned the place.” I rolled my eyes ruefully at the memory. “I dated Ian before I dated Alex, you know, and when we were dating, I promised him that one day I’d prove to him that I loved him. And then that day when he showed up after Alex left, he threw that in my face. I felt guilty. I didn’t want to. But I did. I gave in. I gave him everything.”

“Alex doesn’t know any of this?”

I just shook my head no, clarifying.

“Look, he’s miserable without you. Miserable. I can’t even explain… Maybe if we - or, you, - told him what actually happened, he wouldn’t blame himself so much-”

“NO!” I cut him off. “No. Just, no.”

“Listen,” he started awkwardly, scratching his head, “I don’t know what you want me to do. Should I just keep it from him? I mean, he’s my best friend. Should I tell him what’s going on with your, or…?”

“Just don’t tell him anything. Please?” I begged.

Sighing, he nodded. “I won’t. But really, I think you’d feel a weight off your shoulders if you’d come clean to him. I really do.”

“I know.”

“I’ve got to get back, but I’m leaving my cell phone on. If anything happens - anything at all - call immediately. I’ll be here in a heartbeat. And lock your doors, windows, everything. Don’t let that fucker Ian anywhere near you.”

“Thanks, Zack. For everything.”

He wrapped me in a soft, friendly embrace, twisting the lock on the door on his way out. So that left me. Alone. At night. Miserable.

I went upstairs, took a shower, changed my clothes, and cried myself to sleep.