I Had It All

Hypervigilant was the only word that accurately could describe me. Memories of the past few days were bouncing back and forth in my mind, keeping me alert and paranoid about any potential threats around me. Although I had nothing to worry about in the bus, and there was nothing that could harm me, I just didn’t feel like I could risk it. I was terrified of being hurt again. The scenery rushed past in a colorless blur, whirring in a nearly straight line as we sped down the freeway. I rested my head on my hand, propping my elbow on the wooden surface of the table in the front of the bus as we finally left Cleveland.

All of the guys heard about what happened when I visited Kelsey, mostly because I’d told Jack, who is notorious for having a big mouth. Of course, this only made matters worse; people were stepping on eggshells around me, too afraid to say something they thought would hurt me. And I hated it. I hated knowing everyone was biting their tongue, as if I were some sort of diseased, helpless pariah that they had to be careful around.

“Could you all stop fucking staring at me?!” I snapped, narrowing my eyes at their curious gazes. “I’m not your fucking circus act; stop ogling me.”

They all immediately ceased their whispers, and averted their eyes elsewhere, except for Jack. “Can I talk to you in the back for a minute?” he asked quietly, standing across the table, bending down to be at eye-level with me.

I just shrugged, simply not caring anymore. Jack walked swiftly to the back lounge, with me following slowly behind, slouching slightly. He took a seat on the plush red couch, avoiding my presence as he tapped his fingers against his knees, fidgeting. I sat next to him, not even worried about talking; silence was better anyway. But unfortunately, he opened his mouth.

“I know you’re in a rut,” he started, speaking softly, still looking forward, “But you’re my best friend. And even though you might not have wanted to know about Kelsey, I think you needed to know, and you needed to hear it from her, so maybe you could move on, you know.”

Finally realizing he wasn’t just there to put me down, I softened up a bit. He was looking out for me, after all. “I know. But I don’t feel any better about it. I mean, she lied to me all those years, you know?” My voice was distant, wistful. “I mean, she could have just told me from the beginning. I would’ve been mad, but at least I wouldn’t have been kept in the dark for so long. She should’ve just owned up. How pathetic is that?” It was refreshing to be able to get everything I’d been thinking off my chest and to have someone - especially my best friend - there to listen to them.

“Well at least you know now. At least you can start to move on.”

Disregarding his statement, I said, “I think the worst part is that when I went over there, she was wearing the necklace I got for her. It was fucking right there. That was a huge deal for me to have given that to her and it was around her neck, mocking me while she finally admitted everything she’d been lying to me about.”

Jack simply patted me sorrowfully on the back, looked me in the eyes with a nod of his head, and walked out, presumably to give me time alone to think. But being by myself with nothing other than my thoughts was the last thing I wanted.

-------

“Alex! What the fuck are you doing?” Rian’s expressed was a mixture of shock and utter disgust. “You’re gonna kill yourself! Since when do you smoke?”

I just shrugged. “Since I bought this pack.”

Rian scoffed, ripping the cigarette from my hands, throwing it on the ground, and stomping it out. “Disgusting,” he muttered under his breath, shaking his head as he stepped onto the bus.

Without anything to waste my time with anymore, I sauntered back into the bus, my only safe haven these days. Normally, it was my kingdom; I was the King and I ruled every party on that bus. But since we had left Cleveland, there hadn’t been any parties. I wasn’t a King. And this was hardly a kingdom. It was a safe place, where I couldn’t be harmed, as long as I was curled up in my bunk under the covers with the curtain shut tight. It wasn’t fun anymore; it was protection.

Suddenly, my ruby red curtain was ripped open, and the first thing I saw was Jack’s head rushing to the bunk. “Hi!” That goofy smile was planted on his face, despite the fact I was glaring harshly at him, murder in my eyes.

“What?” I snapped, annoyed.

“We’re going out to lunch. Come on! Let’s go, let’s go!”

I rolled my eyes, thoroughly annoyed at how peppy he was, but somehow grateful that I was being forced to do something, otherwise, I would’ve just sulked in my bunk all day.

When Jack dragged me into a little diner a few blocks away, I was still completely nonresponsive to anything he asked.

“Ready to get back on track with the tour?”

I shrugged.

“Oh! How about the show tomorrow? It’s sold out dude; it’s gonna be the best one yet!”

I nodded.

Jack sighed exasperatedly, deciding on a subject much less exciting. “What’re you
ordering?”

I pointed at a picture of a burger on the menu.

Jack proceeded to loll his head back, resting it on the plush green headrest of the booth seat. “You’re just going to be really difficult for the rest of the tour, aren’t you?”

I nodded.