I Had It All

“I feel like my hand’s going to fall off,” Jack whisper-yelled into my ear, trying to make sure I heard it over the screaming teenagers.

Apparently, one of the fans heard, looking at us and smiling. “Probably because you’ve been jacking off all day, right?”

Jack blushed, because, it may not have been “all day”, but he definitely did just get called out. “Maybe…” Then he burst into laughter, just not caring. “Yeah, okay, you caught me. But signing hundreds of autographs isn’t helping much.”

“Well,” the brunette girl said with a shrug, “I won’t make you sign anything for me. I just want a hug. Deal?”

Jack nodded, and something twinkled in his eyes as he stood, matching her height and wrapping his arms around her. I looked at her hands on his back, and she patted his back a few times, harder than necessary, then smiled, and walked off.

“Jack,” I said, after signing another poster, “I think you just got a phone number.”

“What?”

I ripped off the yellow Post-It note stuck to his back and stuck it to his forehead. He ripped it off, reading it. His smile grew wider and wider as he read, then he stuffed it into his pocket and continued greeting fans.

I shook my head with a chuckle at his boyish behavior and handed out more hugs and autographs.

-------

“So Jack,” Rian began, a smirk on his lips, “I hear you’ve got a secret admirer.”

Jack blushed thirty different shades of red, making him seem like an eight year-old. “Yeah…”

“Let me read it!” Zack demanded, taking the Post-It from Jack’s hands. His eyes scanned the paper, and he laughed. “Looks like you’ve got a number to call, buddy.”

Jack shrugged, trying not to smile.

-Kelsey’s Point Of View-

I couldn’t move. The floor beneath me seemed to be spinning, as did the whole room, circling around my body. I felt as if I was going to pass out, but I’d only reopened my eyes just seconds before. I attempted moving, hopefully to sit upright, but I felt a sharp pain stab my left elbow and sear all the way up to my shoulder. Falling back to the floor again, my ribs felt sore and ached, causing my eyes to tear up in pain. I closed my eyes, patting my pocket in the hopes of finding my cell phone, but to no avail. Forcing my eyes open once more, I spotted my cell phone on the other side of the room on the coffee table.

Whimpering from the agonizing discomfort, I used my right arm, which apparently wasn’t harmed, to push my body upwards, trying my damndest to ignore the anguish my ribs were causing me. Leaning my back against the wall, I caught my breath, feeling hot tears trickle down my cheeks. The house seemed quiet, which was a sign it was empty, so hobbling across the room for the phone thankfully wouldn’t be risky. Just painful.

When I finally reached the other side of the room, I grasped the phone, falling onto the couch adjacent to the coffee table and called for an ambulance. My sobs were growing louder and louder, and I suddenly couldn’t hold it in. I cried and I cried, finally letting out everything that I’d been bottling up. Anger, sadness, despair, anguish, shame, guilt…I was finally allowing myself to release it. Although it was by far the most traumatizing episode I’d ever had, and it was by far the worst thing Ian had ever done to me - I felt liberated. Releasing the tears was what I needed, regardless of whether or not I’d see Ian again, or if I’d see Alex again, or even if I’d ever be safe. But I needed to cry. It was pathetic, but most of all, it was necessary.

Minutes later, the ambulance had arrived, and the door burst open in seconds. Apparently when Ian left me like this, he didn’t lock the door, which was surprising, but good. The EMT dashed inside, seeing me immediately, and recruited a helper to lift me onto the stretcher and out the door.

The last thing I remembered was the ambulance door being slammed shut, blocking all of the sunlight.

-------

Fluttering open, my eyes surveyed the room - white, all white. White walls, white couch, white bedspread. Erasable white thoughts.

“Where am I?” I whispered, almost inaudibly, seeing a tall, lithe woman in a white outfit towering over me, an empathetic smile on her face.

“You’re in the hospital, honey.”

I whimpered pathetically, darting my eyes to the white ceiling, drenched in my own thoughts; or, at least, the thoughts I could still remember. I felt loopy, drifting in and out of consciousness, feeling the effects of whatever painkillers they’d shot me up with.

“Is this what death feels like?” I asked the nurse stupidly, eyes and mind still on the ceiling.

She chuckled. “No, this is what help feels like. This is what safety feels like.”

At this statement, I flicked my eyes to her, seeing the genuine sincerity and kindness in her face, and I could tell that, even though I hadn’t explained what had happened, she knew. I could tell she knew.

“Is there anyone you can call, dear? Parents? Siblings?”

I wracked my brain, knowing that all of my family was in Maryland, while I lived in Cleveland. “Um…” Calling Alex would be a risk, and, even if I did, he probably wouldn’t answer. Plus, they wouldn’t let him in anyway, since we weren’t related, and I didn’t really want to bother him while he was on tour. But I knew that only a few days had passed since they’d left Cleveland, so they couldn’t have been too far away… Was it worth the shot? Even if he said no, I could at least try.

“My brother. Step-brother, actually.” Alex and I looked nothing alike - there’s no way they’d believe we were biological siblings.

“Name?” she inquired, scribbling something on her clipboard in ink.

“Um, Alex,” I answered. Saying his name tasted like knives in my mouth, reprimanding me for not only thinking about him, but for talking about him.

The nurse wrote down something else, presumably his name, and smiled. “I’ll leave you for a few seconds to call him. The phone’s next to you; dial the number 4 first since it’s an outgoing call, and you should be good to go.”

“Thank you,” I replied, reaching for the phone as she stepped into the hallway. My hand shook; in fact, my entire body was shaking, merely from the thought of having to talk to Alex and explain what was going on, and to ask for his help. Once again, I was crawling back to him, like the pathetic ex-girlfriend I was, going back to what I remembered, which was someone who didn’t want to remember me.

Ring…ring…ring… My heart rate increased more and more at each ring, and I was desperately hoping he’d answer.

“Hello?” a very confused voice asked, but it was clearly not Alex.

“Uhh--” I stuttered, almost dropping the phone from my arm’s violent shakes.

“Who is this?” Then, I knew; that was Jack’s voice. He’d answered Alex’s phone.

“Jack? It’s me; it’s Kelsey,” I replied, my voice as small as I felt. I half expected him to hang up, and half expected him to yell at me.

Instead, he responded, “Kelsey? Where are you calling from? This number isn’t recognized on Alex’s phone…”

“I’m…at the hospital…” I trailed off.

There was a pause, and I was sure he was just about to hang up. “The hospital? Kels, what’s wrong? Wait, do you want me to put Alex on the phone? What the fuck - of course you do…you called his phone…” he rambled, almost to himself, then there was momentary silence, and a slight rattling sound, as if he’d passed on the phone to someone else.

“Kelsey? Are you okay?” Alex’s voice was loud, panicked - and not at all harsh. After all I’d done to him, after everything we’d both said, he wasn’t ignoring me. “Where are you?”

“In the hospital.”

“In Cleveland?”

“Yeah,” I answered, feeling intensely guilty for calling, for getting him upset, and for everything I’d done to him, especially because his voice sounded like he still cared. I was sick of hurting him, and I was only hoping that he’d stick up for himself, even if that meant sabotaging any chance I’d ever have with him again.

“Hold on a sec.” I heard a pound on the other end, meaning he’d probably set the phone against his chest so I didn’t hear what was going on. “We’re not that far away. I’m coming over.”

“Wait!”

“Yeah?” he answered softly, making my heart melt in happiness and shame simultaneously.

“Tell them you’re my step-brother.”

He chuckled a little, and said, “See you soon.”

-------

Secret love, my escape
Take me far, far away
Secret love, are you there?
Will you answer my prayer?