I Put on a Brave Face

Warnings. We say we want them before something bad happens. And sometimes you get them. Sometimes you can be warned away from making some stupid mistake or getting yourself into a sticky situation. Sometimes you only need one word. Sometimes you need more. Sometimes you need it thrown at you multiple times in various ways. Sometimes you listen. Sometimes you don’t. You say you want them, and when you get them, you don’t care. You go against them anyway. The whole universe could be trying to lead you away from a certain path, but you won’t listen. You’ll do it anyway. And when it goes exactly as you were warned it would, you get angry or accusatory. You want to blame everyone else in the world but yourself. You’ll blame people you don’t even know as long as it keeps your own conscious clear.

I was warned not to fall in love with Joe. Every single one of my friends told me not to. They told me it wouldn’t work out. But that’s the thing with warnings. Sometimes you just can’t believe they’ll come true. And when they come true, you swear it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anything you did. It wasn’t anything you said. It wasn’t you at all. It was all because of someone else, anything else. They all warned me. But I did it anyway. I fell in love with him.

He was my neighbor. He was my sandbox friend. He was my kindergarten friend. He was my share crayons with friend. He was my very best friend. That’s the thing with best friends too. You love them so much because they’re your best friend that you look over their flaws. They can’t do anything wrong because they’re yours, all yours. I looked over his flaws. He had big eyebrows. He was weird most of the time. He could be the biggest jerk. He had this annoying way of always saying the most annoying thing at the worst possible time. He was never serious. He was the school’s biggest heartbreaker. But then, you look at their good qualities, at their best ones, and you bring them to a level that seems inhuman. He always made you feel better, no matter what mood you were in. He stood by you. He was your biggest fan even when you didn’t deserve any. But most of all he knew all your flaws too and he could look past them to be your best friend.

The rest of my friends had always warned me. They told me I shouldn’t fall in love with him. He was a heartbreaker. He was the heartbreaker. I knew this, of course. I knew how he was, who he had broken. But of course, I didn’t listen. How could I? They didn’t know him like I did. They didn’t know that underneath the macho act was someone who loved to sing and just hang out. They didn’t know him like that. And so I fell for him. I fell hard. I thought maybe, maybe because we were best friends it would be a fairytale ending and we’d end up together and everything would be great as we sat in our love with butterflies and woodland animals surrounding us as we loved each other. Nothing else, just loved each other so fully. I hoped so badly that it hurt all the more when my fairytale came crashing down. I think I always knew it couldn’t work. I mean, we were best friends. We were too close.

”Come on Billie, can you just tell me already?” Joe groaned as he fell back on my bed. “You’re killing me here.”

“I have nothing to tell you,” I said, not turning away from my computer.

“You’ve been ignoring my calls and texts for a week now, and I’m pretty sure you’ve been avoiding me,” he said.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said quietly, though it was a lie. Of course I did. I was acting so weird because I loved him. I loved him and I was scared.

I heard my bed creak as he got up and came behind me, spinning my computer chair so that I was facing him. “Come on Lee-lee,” he pleaded desperately, using my childhood nickname. Only he could call me that. Only him. And he only did it when he was completely serious. “We’ve been best friends since we were in diapers. You can tell me. You’re killing me here.”

I sighed, nodding. He was right. We told each other anything. Was this any different from anything else? We would deal, wouldn’t we? I was still hoping for my fairytale ending. “It’s just that—I – I really – really--,” I took a deep breath.

“Really what?” he asked, his eyes penetrating mine.

“I really like you and I know it’s weird cause we’re best friends but I do I might even love you,” I said so quickly it was a blur all in one breath.

“What?” he asked, smirking. “All I caught was I really jaba jaba.”

I sighed. “I like you Joe,” I said finally.

“I like you too,” he said, confused.

“Really?” I asked, surprised. I knew I had been hoping for the fairytale ending. But his response through me off.

“Yeah, you’re my best friend,” he rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t talk to you if I didn’t. I mean sure I don’t love you in like an I’m in love with you way, but either do you, so it’s all good. It doesn’t have to be weird between us. Because we’re just two friends hanging out, right?”

I felt my heart crash and hit the floor. He wanted to be just friends. He didn’t love me. He was once again breaking another heart, mine. And this time, he didn’t even realize it. “Right,” I finally choked out.

“Great so is that why you were so upset this week?” he asked, sitting back down on my bed. “You were worried I didn’t like you?”

“Um yeah,” I lied. “Silly me, right?”

He grinned. “So now that that’s all cleared up, I have to tell you something.”

“Okay shoot,” I said, blinking to hold back tears.

“You know True?” he asked.

“True Sommers?” I asked. “The girl in our Chem class?”

“Yeah,” he said. “What do you think of her? Hot, right?”

“She’s okay I guess,” I said, my heart falling even more. He was talking about another girl. Another girl I would have to hear about nonstop. Another girl who would have him like I never would. “She’s kind of superficial.”

“I know, isn’t she great?” he grinned.

“If that’s what you’re looking for,” I shrugged.

“I don’t mean it like that,” he rolled his eyes. “I’m just looking for some eye candy, you know? The homecoming dance is coming up, and picture this, me and True waking in, the spotlight on us. It would be perfect, right?”

“Yeah perfect,” I lied.

He grinned. “This is why I love you Bill. You’re always so right.”

“That’s me,” I mumbled, turning back to my computer. “Ms. Right.”

“Ugh, look who just walked in,” my friend Miriam seethed, indicating the door. I followed her gaze and saw Joe and True walking in. It was a week before the dance, and I saw that he had made his conquest. His arm was draped around her neck. He was smirking, saying hi to his friends as he walked through.

“They look cute,” I said quietly.

“Oh come off it Bill,” our friend Diana said, rolling her eyes. “Your little brave mask may work for Romeo over there, but it doesn’t work with us. Why you are even friends with that pig is beyond me. And the whole world loves him because of that band they have. It’s sick.”

“He’s not that bad,” I sighed. “He’s my best friend. We’ve been friends since we were little.”

“And you’ve been in love with him for how long?” Miriam asked.

“I’m not in love with him,” I said, my face turning red.

“And I’m not eating the mystery meat of the day,” Diana said as she shoveled the daily dog food resembling cafeteria food into her mouth.

“Hey guys,” Joe’s younger brother Nick said as he sat down next to me. We had always been close, but never as close as me and Joe. “What’s up?”

“Nothing really,” Miriam replied. “Just talking about your sleaze of a brother.

Nick smiled at me, so used to Miriam and Diana that it didn’t even affect him that they were bashing his brother. “What did he do this time?”

“Well usually it’s because he exists in general,” Diana shrugged.

“But this time he walked in with the queen of sluts,” Miriam said, gesturing towards where Joe and True had stopped to talk to one of Joe’s friends.

Nick laughed. “She’s not that bad.”

“Her name is carved into ever bathroom stall in the building,” Miriam said. “She’s a skank.”

“And he’s a pig,” Diana finished.

“He’s not that bad,” I repeated, groaning.

“Nick could you please tell your friend that her I’m not in love with my best friend though no one can understand that friendship is not fooling anybody?” Diana said.

Nick smirked and turned to me. “Billie, your I’m not in love with my best friend though no one can understand that friendship is not fooling anybody.”

“What isn’t fooling anybody?” Joe asked, suddenly right by the table. True wasn’t with him.

I turned red, throwing a look at Diana and Miriam to keep their mouths shut. “That the mystery meat of the day is actually edible,” I lied.

Joe smirked. “And is it ever?”

“Maybe you could tell us,” Diana said. “We think it resembles dog food. Any comments?”

“Nice one,” Joe laughed. “Maybe next time you should try not to have it slopping all over your face.” She glared at him as she quickly grabbed her napkin and started scrubbing her face. Joe turned his attention to Nick. “Hey bro, I might be a little late to practice today. True wants to show me her Jacuzzi, and her parents aren’t home.” He smirked before turning to me. “Hey Bill. Where’d you run off to this morning? You weren’t in the bus.”

“Very observant,” I said sarcastically and rolled my eyes. “I was late so my dad gave me a ride.”

“Oh cool,” he said. “Well come over later, I have something huge to tell you.” I nodded. “Okay guys. Well guys and Billie,” he smirked at Diana and Miriam. “I got to go. True’s waiting.”

He left and Diana and Miriam turned on me. “Yes, he’s not that bad,” Diana rolled her eyes.

“It’s cause you guys are bitches to him,” I said.

“That’s cause he’s an ass,” Miriam said. “Just face it Bill. You may love him. But he’s not good enough for you. He’s a pig. It’ll never happen.”

They got up and left, leaving me alone with Nick. We were both quiet. I finally sighed. “I don’t love him,” I said quietly.

“Right,” he laughed. “Whatever you say Bill.”

“I don’t,” I insisted defensively.

“Billie, you know I love you, so I’m only saying this to help you,” he sighed. “Miriam and Diana are right about one thing. It’s never going to happen. It’s not right. You’re so nice, and he’s – a pig. He’s my brother and I love him but it’s the truth. He’s an ass. And because he’s such an ass he’ll never see how perfect you are for him. You’re exactly what he needs and he’ll never know.”

I sighed. “I know it won’t work,” I said. “I’m not stupid. I know he’s an ass. And I know we’re too close for it to happen. And I’ve come to terms with it Nick.” He looked at me skeptically. “I have,” I assured him. I looked in Joe’s direction where he was sitting at a table, making out with True. “I love him. But I know it won’t go anywhere. So I’m just going to be his best friend. Is that really so bad?”

“It is when it makes you miserable,” he sighed, shaking his head. He decided to change the subject. “So are you going to homecoming?”

I shrugged, my eyes still darting back to Joe every now and then. He was still groping her. God, didn’t they need air? Well if that was me with Joe, I wouldn’t either. I sighed, shaking my head. What was I doing? Pining over a guy I clearly knew would never be mine? But a part of me, a small part still had that dream, still had that sliver of hope of a fairytale ending. I looked at Nick. “I don’t think so. You?”

He just shook his head and sighed, watching me as my gaze averted back to Joe. “It’s never going to work you know,” he said quietly.

I looked at Joe one more time as he made out with True. I sighed and looked at Nick. “I know. Anyways, I have to go. Class with the devil himself.”

---

“Nick this is so stupid,” I groaned, edging closer to him as we walked into the hall. He had somehow convinced me to come to the homecoming dance with him. I knew I shouldn’t be here. It wasn’t exactly my kind of scene, and I had always imagined my last homecoming in high school to be with Joe. But of course, fairytales were just that. Fairytales. I had to accept that. It was done. It was just a fairytale. “I look so stupid.”

“You look amazing,” he corrected me, taking my hand.

“No I don’t,’ I sighed. “I look ridiculous as usual.”

“Woah,” someone said, a familiar someone.

I froze, turning to see Joe and True standing behind us. “Um hi,” I said sheepishly. Joe was staring at me, his eyes wide. True scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“I’m going to go say hi to someone,” True said. She left without waiting for a response.

“Billie, you look -- wow,” he choked out.

I blushed. “T-thanks,” I said.

“I can’t believe you actually got her to come,” Joe said to Nick.

“All I had to do was ask,” Nick shrugged.

I looked at him. What was he talking about? I was not here of my own free will. He had practically dragged me here in chains. I was a prisoner, a captive, a -- person without any right to choose where they were. And now he was telling Joe he had just asked? I looked back at Joe who seemed kind of hurt by the response.

Joe smiled at me, recovering from his momentary blankness. “Save me a dance?”

“Sure,” I smiled.

“I should get back to my date,” he cleared his throat before leaving.

I waited till he was gone to turn on Nick. “All you had to do was ask me? When the hell did you ask me and take that into consideration?”

“I was just helping you out,” Nick smirked. “And look, you get to dance with him.”

I just stared at him. “That was your plan? You suck.”

He looked confused. “Why? I thought you’d be happy. Being with Joe, isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Yeah, but I know it won’t work,” I said quietly. “Joe and I aren’t meant to be. And I’m dealing with it. Having to dance with him doesn’t exactly help.”

“I’m sorry,” he said solemnly. “I was really trying to help.”

“It’s cool,” I smiled. “Now, let’s go dance.”

The night trudged on, and I was actually having fun. Nick was a lot of fun. And it kind of helped that Joe kept looking at me, or so Nick said. We were dancing most of the night. My favorite song came one. I put on a brave every time I see you and you’re with her everybody tells me that you and I will never work. I put my arms around Nick’s neck, letting myself to sway to the words that always brought tears to my eyes.

“Can I cut in?” Joe said.

Nick smirked at me before stepping aside. Joe wrapped his arms around my waist, holding me close. “I love this song,” he said to me.

“Me too,” I smiled, placing my arms around his neck. He was so close, and it hurt to be in his arms like this, when I knew, I knew that we would never be. I loved him but he would never love me. I had to accept it. This was as far as my fairytale would get.

“You look really beautiful Billie,” he whispered.

I looked up at him. ‘Thanks,” I said, flushing slightly. “You do too.”

“Can I -- can I tell you something?” he asked, looking embarrassed.

“What?” I asked.

“Remember that other day? In your room? When you asked me if I liked you?” he said nervously.

“Yeah,” I answered slowly. Where was this going? I couldn’t let myself hope or dream or wish. My heart couldn’t take it anymore.

“Do you ever think about it?” he asked.

“About what?”

“Us? You know -- being more than best friends?”

My breath caught in my throat. Was he really asking me that? Was he really going to let everything I wanted come to me? So easily? It didn’t seem fair. Surely I couldn’t get everything I wanted, gain every happiness and lose nothing. “I don’t know,” I said evasively. “Do you?”

“Yes,” he said firmly.

I stopped dancing and looked him in the eyes. “You do?” I felt my heart beating faster. I knew he could probably hear it, pounding in my chest as it was.

“Billie, I -- I know you’re my best friend but I -- I love you,” he whispered.

I gapped. “What?”

“I said I love you,” he leaned down and kissed me, his lips pressed firmly against mine. And the whole world disappeared, leaving just me and him, leaving the spotlight on us, only us. There was no one and nothing there when he was kissing me. I felt his every emotion, his every thought, it was all pouring into me. He loved me. He loved me as much as I loved him. And finally we could be together. Finally, my fairytale was coming true. It was all --

“Psst Billie,” someone whispered. I twitched, but didn’t open my eyes. I felt a piece of paper hit the side of my head and sat up quickly.

“What? Huh? What?” I looked around confused. Where was I? Where was Joe?

“You fell asleep,” he whispered, next to me.

“I was asleep?” I asked.

“Yeah snoring and everything,” he smirked.

I let that comment go. I was still thinking about how I had just been asleep, which meant -- it was all a dream. I looked at Joe. He was staring at True in front of the class, a smirk on his face. It was all a dream. My perfect fairytale, my perfect ending. None of it had happened. And none of it would. Joe and I -- we just weren’t meant to be. I felt a strange emptiness blanket around me. I knew this was how it was supposed to be, and tried to smile. He was still my best friend, right? I tried to remind myself I had been warned against this, against falling for my best friend. But that was the thing about warnings. No one ever listened to them, not until they came true and it was too late.

I have come to terms with this somehow, I’m ok but there's still a part of me that wants to hear you saying that you love me, saying that you love me now.