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Hello Angel, Tell Me Where Are You. Tell Me Where We Go From Here.
Going Crazy...Over You.
Brendon’s POV:
Yeah, maybe I overreacted by storming out of Fall Out Boy’s tour bus because Patrick put his arm around me, but, I don’t know. I guess I like being the intimate one. I just- I wasn’t expecting him to do something like that. He’s so shy. Maybe that’s what made me like him.
I took a minute to focus on my surroundings. It looked like I was in a forest, all the trees topped with snow to look like whipped cream on a sundae. There was no way out. I was too far in. And it was dark, because it was still early. The snow was up to my knees and my legs were beginning to go numb. I tried pinching myself and rubbing my eyes to try to wake up from a nightmare, but every time I would open my eyes, I would still be in the same forest. It was like a nightmare that you couldn’t escape from. I was trapped.
I put my face in my hands and got down on my knees. I screamed into the darkness, wishing that Patrick was here with me. I couldn’t help thinking, it’s my fault. I deserve this. It felt like I was spinning, and I couldn’t make it stop.
“Stop!” I yelled to no one.
“Stop!” my voice echoed back, just proving my aloneness in this mind trap.
I grabbed my head and squeezed my eyes shut. I screamed again, this time out of pain. I collapsed into the snow, white flakes popping up off the ground and playing with each other in the wind. I curled up in the snow, not minding the cold. Maybe it would numb my mind and ease me from this hurt.
The last hour flipped painfully through my mind in fast forward. I caught a glimpse of Patrick’s hurt expression, and my voice replayed through my head over and over again. Don’t even think about doing that again… The harshness of my voice literally made me sick.
I flipped my body over and held myself up by my two weak arms. I threw up a mixture of orange and brown onto the all white forest floor. I couldn’t get Patrick’s face out of my mind.
Once I was empty of puke, I sat up and held my head again. I whimpered, sounding like an abused puppy who was wishing for a nice family to finally treat him right. Except, in my case, I was wishing for my boyfriend to be here, and to hold me close and tell me everything was alright and that he forgave me. But, I wasn’t that confused. I knew he was never going to want to see my face again. I knew that I was a jerk and I knew that I deserved whatever torment I was going to get next, in addition to the spinning and the flashbacks and the puking.
Then, it all stopped. I stopped spinning. Patrick’s face was removed from my mind. It wasn’t cold anymore. I wondered, am I dying?
“No.” a voice said from behind me.
I turned around and stood up, and raised my fists, ready for a fight. I looked all around me. There was no one.
“Put your fists down, child. All is well. Your boyfriend will forgive you.” the voice said.
I shook my head as I put my hands down.
“How do you know and who are you?” I asked the forest in a whisper.
“I am your conscience. I know everything you know.”
My jaw dropped and I asked, “Why can’t I see you?”
The voice chuckled. “Because I am hiding. It’s only for your well-being.” it answered.
I scoffed. I looked around again, desperate to see who I was talking to, if I was talking to anyone.
“Give it up, Brendon. Go find Patrick and apologize. All will be okay after that.” the voice told me.
I shook my head, and fought back the tears that almost came when it mentioned Patrick’s name. I mumbled,
“No.” I balled my fists up and bit down on my lip.
“Go!” the voice yelled at me.
“NO!” I screamed.
I started kicking every bush that was in sight and kicking up all the white fluff on the ground. I punched every tree, so hard that my knuckles were covered in red. I couldn’t tell if I was having a tantrum or having a seizure. Or if it was even me doing all of this. For all I knew, it could have been my mind playing tricks on me again. I ran as fast as I could, for as long as I could, deeper into the forest, wanting to escape the voice at any cost. When I couldn’t run any longer, I climbed up into one of the snow-covered trees. I climbed as far as I could on the slippery branches, without falling. I stood facing a pine tree that I swore looked like a person. Not thinking, I stepped forward, slipping off the branch I was standing on. I fell for what seemed like hours.
When I hit the ground, everything went dark, as if someone flipped the light switch to turn off the lights. I lay motionless, in the snow and, remarkably, there was no pain.
“I told you to go back.”
The familiar voice that claimed to be my conscience, had returned.
The lights came back on and the pain finally came. I screamed as loud as I could while gripping my right leg. I looked down at it and it was twisted around itself. I screamed louder at the disturbing image of my leg. I tried to grip onto the snow with my free hand, but instead felt something wet. I picked my hand up and my fingers were covered in dripping blood. I squeezed my eyes shut. What the hell is happening to me, I wondered. I opened my eyes, and spiders were covering my body. I screamed again, unable to move my arms and legs, for some reason. After a while, the spiders went up in a puff of smoke and just disappeared.
I silenced myself for a second, not knowing what had happened. I looked up to the treetops and immediately regretted it. Cement blocks were falling from the sky and were heading straight for my body. I screamed at the top of my lungs and looked away. As the cement blocks were right above me, I saw one face, and only one face, in my mind. Mr. Patrick Vaughn Stump. My boyfriend. My angel. The blocks stopped falling, and went up in smoke like the spiders. I looked back up and checked all around me. There was nothing but snow and blood from my leg. I put my face in my hands again. I was sweating. But, surprisingly, it was freezing.
This must be how it feels when you’re dying, I thought.
I removed my hands from my face and dragged myself through the snow, everything under me being stained red. I didn’t know where I was headed, I just knew I needed to get out of the forest. I had probably gotten 30 feet from where I started, and I was panting. I stopped and lay back in the snow. I closed my eyes. When I tried to open them again, they wouldn’t open. It was pitch black. I couldn’t see, hear, feel, taste, or smell anything. I was drowning in a pool of nothing. I was being burned by an invisible fire. I was being thrown off a cliff by nothing.
I was nothing.
xxx
Yeah, maybe I overreacted by storming out of Fall Out Boy’s tour bus because Patrick put his arm around me, but, I don’t know. I guess I like being the intimate one. I just- I wasn’t expecting him to do something like that. He’s so shy. Maybe that’s what made me like him.
I took a minute to focus on my surroundings. It looked like I was in a forest, all the trees topped with snow to look like whipped cream on a sundae. There was no way out. I was too far in. And it was dark, because it was still early. The snow was up to my knees and my legs were beginning to go numb. I tried pinching myself and rubbing my eyes to try to wake up from a nightmare, but every time I would open my eyes, I would still be in the same forest. It was like a nightmare that you couldn’t escape from. I was trapped.
I put my face in my hands and got down on my knees. I screamed into the darkness, wishing that Patrick was here with me. I couldn’t help thinking, it’s my fault. I deserve this. It felt like I was spinning, and I couldn’t make it stop.
“Stop!” I yelled to no one.
“Stop!” my voice echoed back, just proving my aloneness in this mind trap.
I grabbed my head and squeezed my eyes shut. I screamed again, this time out of pain. I collapsed into the snow, white flakes popping up off the ground and playing with each other in the wind. I curled up in the snow, not minding the cold. Maybe it would numb my mind and ease me from this hurt.
The last hour flipped painfully through my mind in fast forward. I caught a glimpse of Patrick’s hurt expression, and my voice replayed through my head over and over again. Don’t even think about doing that again… The harshness of my voice literally made me sick.
I flipped my body over and held myself up by my two weak arms. I threw up a mixture of orange and brown onto the all white forest floor. I couldn’t get Patrick’s face out of my mind.
Once I was empty of puke, I sat up and held my head again. I whimpered, sounding like an abused puppy who was wishing for a nice family to finally treat him right. Except, in my case, I was wishing for my boyfriend to be here, and to hold me close and tell me everything was alright and that he forgave me. But, I wasn’t that confused. I knew he was never going to want to see my face again. I knew that I was a jerk and I knew that I deserved whatever torment I was going to get next, in addition to the spinning and the flashbacks and the puking.
Then, it all stopped. I stopped spinning. Patrick’s face was removed from my mind. It wasn’t cold anymore. I wondered, am I dying?
“No.” a voice said from behind me.
I turned around and stood up, and raised my fists, ready for a fight. I looked all around me. There was no one.
“Put your fists down, child. All is well. Your boyfriend will forgive you.” the voice said.
I shook my head as I put my hands down.
“How do you know and who are you?” I asked the forest in a whisper.
“I am your conscience. I know everything you know.”
My jaw dropped and I asked, “Why can’t I see you?”
The voice chuckled. “Because I am hiding. It’s only for your well-being.” it answered.
I scoffed. I looked around again, desperate to see who I was talking to, if I was talking to anyone.
“Give it up, Brendon. Go find Patrick and apologize. All will be okay after that.” the voice told me.
I shook my head, and fought back the tears that almost came when it mentioned Patrick’s name. I mumbled,
“No.” I balled my fists up and bit down on my lip.
“Go!” the voice yelled at me.
“NO!” I screamed.
I started kicking every bush that was in sight and kicking up all the white fluff on the ground. I punched every tree, so hard that my knuckles were covered in red. I couldn’t tell if I was having a tantrum or having a seizure. Or if it was even me doing all of this. For all I knew, it could have been my mind playing tricks on me again. I ran as fast as I could, for as long as I could, deeper into the forest, wanting to escape the voice at any cost. When I couldn’t run any longer, I climbed up into one of the snow-covered trees. I climbed as far as I could on the slippery branches, without falling. I stood facing a pine tree that I swore looked like a person. Not thinking, I stepped forward, slipping off the branch I was standing on. I fell for what seemed like hours.
When I hit the ground, everything went dark, as if someone flipped the light switch to turn off the lights. I lay motionless, in the snow and, remarkably, there was no pain.
“I told you to go back.”
The familiar voice that claimed to be my conscience, had returned.
The lights came back on and the pain finally came. I screamed as loud as I could while gripping my right leg. I looked down at it and it was twisted around itself. I screamed louder at the disturbing image of my leg. I tried to grip onto the snow with my free hand, but instead felt something wet. I picked my hand up and my fingers were covered in dripping blood. I squeezed my eyes shut. What the hell is happening to me, I wondered. I opened my eyes, and spiders were covering my body. I screamed again, unable to move my arms and legs, for some reason. After a while, the spiders went up in a puff of smoke and just disappeared.
I silenced myself for a second, not knowing what had happened. I looked up to the treetops and immediately regretted it. Cement blocks were falling from the sky and were heading straight for my body. I screamed at the top of my lungs and looked away. As the cement blocks were right above me, I saw one face, and only one face, in my mind. Mr. Patrick Vaughn Stump. My boyfriend. My angel. The blocks stopped falling, and went up in smoke like the spiders. I looked back up and checked all around me. There was nothing but snow and blood from my leg. I put my face in my hands again. I was sweating. But, surprisingly, it was freezing.
This must be how it feels when you’re dying, I thought.
I removed my hands from my face and dragged myself through the snow, everything under me being stained red. I didn’t know where I was headed, I just knew I needed to get out of the forest. I had probably gotten 30 feet from where I started, and I was panting. I stopped and lay back in the snow. I closed my eyes. When I tried to open them again, they wouldn’t open. It was pitch black. I couldn’t see, hear, feel, taste, or smell anything. I was drowning in a pool of nothing. I was being burned by an invisible fire. I was being thrown off a cliff by nothing.
I was nothing.
xxx