Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

I told him not to love me, that no one loved me and he shouldn’t be the exception but like a stubborn teenage boy, he didn’t listen to me, so I gave him reason not to love me; I cheated on him with one of his best friends. In retrospect, it was definitely the wrong thing for me to do but I was drunk, I was mad and I wanted to show him the hurt that I felt on a daily basis. I told his friend that we had broken up and I was just looking for a distraction, luckily his friend had just gotten into a huge fight with his own girlfriend and they had broken up. The events that followed were so wrong no one could even joke about it, no could barely even speak of it to be honest.

An orphaned fifteen year old drowning in self pity getting knocked up by the cute sixteen year old drummer who also happened to be into sports. When I found out I was pregnant, Rian had already gone back to his girlfriend, Jessica and once Jack, my ex-boyfriend found out, he simply stopped speaking to me even though we saw each other every day. My friends abandoned me because all of my friends were Jack’s friends too, apparently they liked Jack more than they liked me. When my foster parents found out I was pregnant, they didn’t understand why I would do such a thing but they didn’t kick me out like I thought they would, actually they did the complete opposite; they adopted me.

They didn’t have to adopt me into their family, in fact they weren’t even going to be foster parents they were just exploring their options at the time that they had met me when I was thirteen. I was at a county ran house for orphans that they couldn’t place in foster homes because no one wanted us, it was like we were the broken ones. Anyway, my parents came in to just check things out, to see what it took to be foster parents. Their youngest was a Junior in high school at the time, Jordan, and his two older brothers were already in college, I guess they were just looking for someone to fill that void of setting their sons free in to the world.

They saw me and saw something in me I guess because they took me home two days later and brought me into their family. I thought I was just going to be there for two months like I usually am before they shipped me back, not wanting me anymore but they didn’t. They treated me as one of their own, meaning I got an allowance just like Jordan did and their two older sons had. I was assigned chores, if I didn’t bring home decent grades I would get grounded, for once I felt like I was in a family but I knew it had to be too good to be true so I did everything I could to rebel against them.

That’s why it surprised me so much when I told them I was pregnant. They were teenage parents themselves but they weren’t fifteen when they had their first son they were seventeen and slightly more mature. My parents were the first ones to ever love me the way I needed to be loved and they showed me that they were going to be with me forever.

Five months after being adopted, baby had her own baby. I gave birth to a full term, bouncing baby boy and suddenly I felt completely loved, wanted and needed. The little infant I held in my arms minutes after giving birth to him, needed me and I needed him. My parents welcomed their new grandson with open arms and my three new brothers were so excited to be uncles. So much that Joel, their oldest, came home from California for two weeks just to see the little guy.

Justin Jon Cryer also known as just JJ was the center of our lives. The green eyed boy had everyone wrapped around his small fingers way before he was even born. A week after he was born, Rian started to talk to me again, wanting to be a part of JJ’s life and who would I have been to deny Rian of his son so I agreed to let him have supervised visits until JJ turned six months old then Rian got him every other weekend; Friday through Monday morning.

Even with JJ in my life, I managed to graduate college with me class when I was eighteen and I went straight into the community college, not giving myself a summer break. I felt the need to get through my schooling, get a decent job and support myself and JJ so my parents wouldn’t have to anymore.

Now here I am, nineteen and graduating a two year college with a nursing license. I took no breaks, I pushed through my tough times with my son’s best interest at heart.

“Kodie!” The slender, five foot seven inches, blonde haired woman snapped at me with wide hazel eyes, “I don’t want you two so far away from me!” She went on with sadness and anger in her eyes at the same time.

“Joel is out there and so it Trent!” I pointed out of my older brothers, “They won’t let anything happen to me and they both already agreed to be free babysitter’s for JJ.”

The woman made a face as she scanned my face, “Most Mothers don’t have to deal with such independence in a nineteen year old daughter.” She mumbled.

“Most Mother’s nineteen year old daughter’s aren’t Mother’s already.” I insisted, “And most Mother’s don’t adopt their daughter’s at fifteen either.”

She gave me a loving smile, “I wouldn’t have had it any other way, I just wish we would’ve found you sooner.” She inhaled deeply before looking around my room, “Daddy is not happy with this news,” She informed me as she walked over to my desk, picking up a picture of JJ from his first birthday, “The one child we keep trying to get to move won’t move and the other child we think should stay home for another year or so wants to move across the country with her nutty brothers.”

“Is Dad mad?” I whispered.

My Mother shrugged, “He always wanted a girl, now we have one and it just seemed like it went by too fast.”

“I’m not going to stop being your daughter,” I smiled, “I’m a Cryer, you guys adopted me, you guys loved me when no one else would, I’m not just going to leave that.” I assured her, “But I need a change, Maryland is bitter sweet.”

“I know,” She whispered, “I understand.” She put the picture down, “Who knows, maybe Dad and I will decide to move to California too.” She teased then walked out of my bedroom, “You just graduated last night, take a day or two and enjoy some you time.”

I wrinkled my face when I thought about that, “What would I do?” I asked, being a complete workacholic.

“Go drink, go hang out with your friends, go do something just be careful.” She demanded before disappearing, “Plus, you’re not moving until after the new year!” My Mom exclaimed, “Joel and Trent fly in on Monday for Christmas, don’t start packing yet!”

I laughed a little bit then nodded to myself before standing to my feet. I went down stairs and into the living room to see that JJ was sitting on my Dad’s lap, both of them very much into the Ravens game that’s currently on. My Dad was wearing his favorite player’s Jersey and JJ was wearing a smaller version of the jersey along with his PJ pants that have footballs all over them, “You’re turning him into a Jock.” I told my Dad.

The blue eyed, six foot one inch man looked over at me with a smirk, “I’m a high school football coach, I’ve been a Jock all of my life, it’s only right my grandson is a jock too.”

“I want him to be sensitive.” I insisted.

My Dad made a face, “You can’t be a sensitive football player.” He pointed out, “He can’t be running to his Mama every time he gets tackled.”

“Yeah!” JJ agreed cutely as he looked over at me.

“You’re a tough guy like Papa, huh?” I asked.

“Oh yeah!” JJ grinned before he looked back at the TV.

I shook my head then picked up the already packed bag for my son, “JJ, baby Daddy is picking you up soon, are you ready?” I asked the little boy as I double checked the bag I packed him.

“I don’t wanna go with Daddy.” JJ mumbled as he cuddled into my Dad.

“You haven’t seen in since Halloween.” I pointed out, “That’s a long time.” I insisted, “Daddy misses you.” I gave him a small smile, ‘He’s home from tour for a little bit of time.”

JJ shrugged his shoulders then looked up at my Dad, “Papa, don’t make me go.” He whispered.

My Dad eyed the little boy then looked over at me helplessly before turning his eyes back to the four year old, “You have to, Kid.” He whispered, “But you’ll be home in a few days, your Dad just wants to hang out for a bit.”

JJ slid off of my Dad’s lap and walked away slowly towards the kitchen, As soon as he was out of view he whined loudly, starting to cry, “Nana!?” He squealed in a high pitched manner.

“He doesn’t want to go, Honey … don’t make him.” My Dad said simply as he glanced at the game before looking over at me, “Why does Rian think he can leave for months then come back and think everything is ok. JJ hardly knows him anymore, he’s shy and scared. Dawson’s family doesn’t really like the boy.”

“Dad, they love him.”

“No they don’t. Don’t bullshit yourself, Kodie.” He said sternly, “You and I both know that Dawson’s family are nice people but they don’t really like they kid, they don’t think he’s Rian’s.”

“How could he not be? JJ is a spitting image of Rian.” I pointed out, “People don’t even think he’s my kid, they think I’m babysitting!” I exclaimed then I shook my head, “Rian loves him Dad, whether or not we’re together, Rian is his Father and JJ needs to have his Father in his life.”

“Why?” He questioned, “He has plenty of positive adult male role models to learn from.”

“Please don’t argue with me, Daddy.” I sighed stressfully as I gave him a look, “Rian wants to see him, if JJ can’t make it through the night I’ll be more than happy to go get him and bring him home but this is Rian’s time, plus I still have Christmas shopping to do.”

He nodded then looked back at the game, not saying another word. I rolled my eyes before walking towards the kitchen, “JJ, c’mon you need to take a bath before your Dad gets here, and you need to get dressed.” I insisted before stopping in my tracks to see my son sitting on the counter eating cookie dough with Jordan, while his green eyes were glazed over with tears that looked like they could fall at any moment.

“Jordan,” I sighed.

“It’s cookie dough, it won’t hurt him.” He said simply, “Homemade cookie dough,” He added with a smile as he looked at JJ, “Nana makes good cookies, huh?”

JJ nodded but said nothing.

“Dawson is taking him, huh?”

“Yes, Rian is taking him.”

Jordan made a face then looked back at the boy.

“What, you’re mad too?” I frowned.

“No, but I think that maybe you shouldn’t just let Dawson take him right away, let JJ get used to him again before you just send him away with a stranger.”

“He isn’t a stranger.”

“Well to JJ it seems like it.” Jordan grumbled with a frown before pushing the bowl of cookie dough away. Effortlessly, Jordan picked JJ up off of the counter and pointed to the backyard, “We’re going to go throw a football around for a while.” He said as he walked outside.

“Fuck,” I whispered softly.

“I have a feeling your family doesn’t like me.” I heard Rian say from behind me.

Jumping slightly, I turned around to the cute boy, “Rian.”

“Hi,” He said softly then he shrugged, “They don’t do they?”

“It’s not that,” I assured, “It’s just complicated.” I looked out back, “I won’t be able to get him in for a good half hour now,” I shook my head before looking over at Rian, “So, how’s the band?”

“Great,” He nodded, “Busy, but great.” He licked his lips, “Rumor has it you’re moving.”

“Yeah, to California with my brothers.” I nodded, “Trent just moved out there not that long ago so he doesn’t have much room for us in his apartment, but Joel has more than enough room and agreed to let me stay there with him as long as I don’t ‘clean everything fucking little space’.” I laughed, mocking my brother, “And I got a job lined up, just a school nurse at an elementary school but it pays well and it’s a secure job.”

“That’s good for you.” Rian licked his lips, “Listen, I know that you don’t really hang out with us much since we’re always touring but we’re all having dinner at the pizza parlor, I think you should come with. Catch up with everyone and that way JJ won’t be so freaked out to stay with me.”

I bit my lip as I glanced out back, “Alright,” I agreed, mainly for the sake of my son, “I’ll go.” I turned back to Rian, “I’ll just meet you there, I’ll bring JJ and his things. You have a car seat for him, right?”

“Yeah, my Mom bought him a new booster seat for me last week.”

“Ok,” I whispered, “We’ll be there in an hour tops.”

“Cool,” Rian looked out at JJ and smiled lovingly, “Listen, I know I’m not home a lot, and I understand that it’s hard to explain to JJ what it is that I do but I love him and I love you.” He nodded a little, “You’re family Kodie and if you ever need anything, you have my number.”

“I know.” I forced a small smile.

“Also, Jessica and I have finally set a Wedding date,” He smiled proudly, “You’re coming right? You’re not just going to drop JJ off, are you?”

“I’ll go.” I assured him.

“Ok.” He mumbled, “I’ll see you in a bit.” He added before walking away slowly. After a few seconds, I heard the front door close then the foot rest of my Dad’s recliner close shut as well.

“You love the boy, don’t you?” My Dad asked as he walked into the kitchen.

“Rian?” I questioned, “Yeah I love him, he’s my son’s father and one of my best friends…”

“Not him, that Barakat kid.” He grumbled as he walked over to the bowl of cookie dough.

“Dad, Jack and I don’t talk.”

“Yet you’re best friends with all of his band mates?” He asked, “You don’t talk at all?”

“No,” I confirmed, “There’s nothing to talk about.” I snapped harshly, “Drop it.”

His blue eyes scanned my face then he nodded as he turned his back to me and opened up the fridge. Shaking my head to myself I walked out back and towards my brother. Taking the ball from him, I frowned more than I was before just dropping it to the ground, “JJ, c’mon you need a bath.”

JJ didn’t move he just stared at me silently.

“Do you want Pizza for dinner?”

“Yeah.” He answered.

“Then let’s go, you need a bath before we go get pizza.”

“Ok,” The little boy smiled happily as he ran into the house. I shot another glare towards my brother then followed the pre-schooler up the stairs of the modest middle class home knowing that this night probably wont end on a good note.

*********************

She told me not to love her but I couldn’t help myself, no matter how much I tried not to love her like she told me to, it only made me love her more. I understand that it’s hard for a fifteen year old to truly love someone but if I didn’t love her, then I don’t know what love is. I would’ve done anything for the green eyed girl named Kodie; anything.

I knew she came from a rough past, her real parents were pieces of shit to be honest. She told me that her Dad was a drunk and her Mother was a manic depressive with bi-polar disorder, their marriage was in ruins before it even began. Kodie was their second accidental child and their last. One night when Kodie was four her Dad came home drunk, killed his brother, the only sane one in the family apparently, right in front of Kodie then once his brother was dead he realized what he did before killing himself and little Kodie was right there watching it all.

Her Mother came home I guess, with Kodie’s older sister, found out what happened called the police then left with her eldest daughter, leaving Kodie in the run down two bedroom house they called a home. By that time, Kodie was hiding in their pantry, when the cops found her she was scared shitless. Authorities put her in the system because they couldn’t find her Mother and from that day forward, Kodie was an orphan but not only that she was hurt; she was broken.

I met her a year later in Kindergarten, she was shy but I was determined to be her friend, I wanted to be everyone’s friend; I knew no strangers my parents tell me. Once she became my friend, Kodie and I were inseparable; we went everywhere together, best of friends. It wasn’t until I was in fourth grade that realized how bad Kodie had it. I knew she wasn’t like the other kids, she wore nothing that was new, ever and she just seemed sad even when she laughed.

Once I found out, I tried everything I could to give her a better life, my world was focused around her and my music. The years went by, before I knew it I was her boyfriend then suddenly she was pushing me away from her, telling me not to love her though it was clear that I couldn’t just stop loving her. She broke up with me one day when we had just turned fifteen then she had sex with Rian, one of my best friends.

I was hurt, yeah, but I knew why she did it and though I didn’t understand completely I didn’t push the subject. I just stopped talking to her, no matter how much it hurt me knowing it’s what she wanted. Then I found out she was pregnant and I wanted to talk to her so bad, knowing that the kid could have been mine, nine months later I found out that it was Rian’s. I guess I knew deep down that it was his but a part of me wanted it to be mine.

After that, I don’t know what really happened because it happened so fast. Kodie had her own life, I had mine we hardly even saw each other unless she was around Rian at the same time I was. She had her own agenda, her own goals to fulfill and every time I got the balls to even say anything to her I remember her telling me not to love her, to just leave her alone and because I love her, I’ve kept my distance and listened to her demand even though I’m in complete misery.

“JJ!” The young mother snapped at her son, “You do not throw pizza, I don’t care if Uncle Alex is throwing it or not.” She said sternly.

The little boy looked at his Mother then over at my best friend and band member, Alex. Alex made his eyes wide then gave the little boy a cute smirk before looking at young Mother, “Oh, Kodie it was just a piece of pepperoni.”

“Alex, he’s at an impressionable age, I want him to have manners. He obviously looks up to you for some strange reason, be decent.” Kodie begged softly.

Alex made a face then looked back at the little boy, “Let’s not throw our food anymore,” He suggested then grabbed an unwrapped straw, “I’ll show you how to make a crawling worm instead.” He grinned.

“Cool!” JJ laughed happily.

I shook my head then looked down at my plate of pizza that I haven’t even touched yet. I had no idea that Kodie was coming tonight and when she walked in with JJ, I lost all desire to eat while pain shot through my heart.

“You know,” Rian said as he sat down next to me, “She’s in a good place now,” He started simply, “I wouldn’t jump right in by asking her to be your girlfriend but I think if you did it right, there could be a friendship between you two.”

I rolled my eyes, “Why are you bothering me about this?” I questioned.

“Because, you love her and I know deep down she still loves you. Plus, I know and trust you, I understand that I’m not the worlds best Dad, but I love my son and I want the guy who is going to be with Kodie to understand that he needs to treat both Kodie and JJ with respect.”

I looked over at Rian silently.

“I trust you, it scares me to think about Kodie moving to California and getting a new boyfriend, bringing a new man into JJ’s life that he will be around daily. I don’t want someone to replace me and I know you wouldn’t do that to me.”

“So, basically what you’re saying is you want me with her because I won’t try and take your son from you?” I frowned.

“That’s not what I mean,” He sighed, “But … I don’t know, she’s moving Jack, if you don’t make your move soon, you may lose her forever, just sayin’.” He said simply before standing to his feet and walking over to the table where Kodie, JJ and Alex are. I glanced back down at my pizza and pushed it away from me, standing to my feet, I pulled my car keys out of my pocket and walked out of the pizza parlor without a word to anyone. I can’t be here, not right now at least, not until I figure out if I want to fight for the girl I love or just let her go with no questions asked.

Why does this have to be so complicated?