Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

”Fucking hell!” My Uncle wailed at my Father loudly as he came stumbling into the house, “Can’t you ever stay decent for one fucking day!?” He went on before pushing my Dad, “Look at your Daughter!” He demanded as he pointed to me, “She looks up to you!”

“Don’t you tell me how to raise my kids,” My Dad ordered as he staggered back towards my Uncle, “You ungrateful little shit, I put a roof over your unemployed ass, the only reason I ain’t kicked your ass out is because it would break your Sister’s heart.”

“I’m unemployed because I take care of your Daughters, because you don’t know how you fucking drunk asshole!” My Uncle screamed before he turned to me, “Kodie, sweetie go to your room,” He said with a soft loving voice before picking me up and hugging me tightly, “I’ll be in there in a minute to read you a bedtime story, ok?”

I nodded as I clung to him tightly while looking at my Dad with a scared look upon my face. Placing me on my bare feet, my Uncle kissed my cheek softly with a reassuring smile, “Go get in bed,” He ordered.

“Loves you,” I whispered.

“I love you, too.” He smiled and kissed me once more before pushing me towards the hall. I nodded before hurrying down the hall but once I did, the yelling started up once more. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but they both sounded angry.

Turning around towards the front room, I quickly and quietly snuck back in before crawling behind the couch. Once I was safe behind the comfort of the couch, I peeked out around the back of it and saw something shiny in my Dad’s hand. He waved it about in the air wildly as he continued to scream at my Uncle who was now slowly backing away from my Dad, trying to reason with him.

“I’ll show you who’s fucking ungrateful!” My Dad wailed with anger then he pointed the object in his hand at my Uncle just before I heard an extremely loud pop and my Uncle fall to the floor, bleeding from the chest and completely limp.

“Oh God,” My Dad whispered in a scared voice before looking around. He turned around so he was facing towards me but still didn’t see me, hiding behind the couch. He raised, what I know now to be a gun, to his head then there was another loud pop and I saw the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

“Daddy!” I screamed but didn’t come out from behind the couch, “No!”

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“No!” I wailed as I shot up in my bed, breathing quickly and covered in sweat. Looking around my dark room, I reached over and turn my light on before my tears rushed down my cheeks uncontrollably as I remembered the night my real Father took my Uncle Danny’s life before taking his own.

Suddenly, my bedroom door opened and the overhead light turned on and my Dad stood there in nothing but his PJ pants. He had wide eyes and as soon as he saw me he knew what was going on. Walking in, he sat down on the edge of my bed before motioning his head towards me. I scooted over to him then let him wrap me up in his arms. Holding me close to his body, he rocked with me but said nothing to me.

Placing a soft kiss on my forehead, my Dad rubbed my back, “You’re ok,” He whispered to me before kissing once more.

I nodded against his shoulder before I backed away and wiped away my tears. Looking at the only man I’ve ever loved besides Jack and my Uncle Danny, I knew he was right, I was ok and that was just a horrific flashback on what my life used to be, not what it is now.

“What’s going on? What happened?” My Mother said from the door then she gasped before walking in, “You’re dreaming about it again?” She wondered as she stopped in front of me.

I looked up at her and nodded, “Yeah, for the first time in years.” I admitted before biting down on my lip, “I don’t know why.”

“I do,” My Dad mumbled, “Honey, your brother just beat your Husband up …” He trailed off for a moment before bringing his eyes to my green gaze, “You don’t handle violence well,” He pointed out the obvious.

My Mom sighed stressfully before leaning down and kissing my forehead, “I love you,” She whispered before leaving the room, leaving me alone once more. She could never handle the thought of what happened to me when I was little, it upsets her too much to even think about it. My Mother is a gentle soul, she couldn’t hurt a fly, literally, she has others kill insects for her. The thought of me having to go through what I went through with my real parents then having to endure years of physical abuse from foster parents just sends her into an emotional state that she just cannot handle. They’ll never know the extent of the things that happened to me, no one will, not even Jack and that also upsets her, she just tries to not think about it but sometimes you have to deal with it, like now.

“Are you better?” My Dad wondered as he reached over and pushed some hair behind my ear.

“Yeah,” I nodded, forcing a smile.

“You know where to find me if you need me,” He stood to his feet and kissed my forehead, “I love you,”

“I love you, too.” I whispered back then watched him leave, shutting my door behind himself.

After that, I sat alone on my bed for a few seconds before the door opened again, “Dad, I said I was ok,” I said sternly but when I looked up I saw JJ standing there, holding his Teddy bear he’s had since the day he was born, wearing his football PJ’s.

“I puked,” He informed me with a sad face.

“Oh, Baby,” I sighed as I reached my arms out to him, “C’mere,” I ordered.

He hurried to me and climbed up into my lap. I held the warm little boy close, he’s getting over his strep throat but he’s still feeling a little ill, “Did you make it to the toilet?” I wondered.

“Yes.”

“Did you flush the toilet?”

“Yes.”

“Ok,” I kissed his temple, “I love you, Baby.” I whispered to him, “Don’t ever forget it, ok?”

“I love you, too.” JJ muttered tiredly, “I want Jack,” He said to me.

“Jack?” I asked.

He nodded as he looked up at me, “He rubs my back better than you.”

I laughed as I reached over to my cell phone, “Well, let’s call Jack and make him come over, ok?”

“Ok,”

I dialed my Husband’s number and waited as I listened to his phone ring, “Hello?” He slurred into the phone tiredly, obviously still half asleep.

“Jack,” I mumbled, “Can you come over?” I wondered.

“Kodie?” He questioned, “What’s wrong, Babe?”

“JJ just threw up and wants you and … I just had the nightmare again.” I said, knowing he’d know what I’m talking about.

He was silent for a second before he grumbled, “Ok, I’ll see you in ten minutes or so,” He assured me.

“Thank you,”

“We need to find a house in the morning,” He said simply, “It would make this a lot easier if we actually lived together.”

I laughed softly, “We will, drive safe please.”

“I love you,” He said, ignoring me demand.

“I love you,” I mocked then hung up before cradling the preschooler in my arms. I just wish I could erase that memory from my head but I can’t and to this day it’s still hard for me to remember everything. I just want my Husband here with me so I can go back to sleep.

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Opening my eyes, I looked around my Wife’s room at her parents’ house then I turned my attention to Kodie, only to see her staring back at me. I frowned at her deeply, “What are you doing up?”

“I never went back to sleep,” She admitted.

I made a face before reaching my hand over and brushing hair out of her face as I stared deep into her eyes and for the first time in a long time I saw that scared little girl she used to be. That look brought back some uneasy memories for me from when I was a little boy, when I used to know something was wrong but didn’t understand what exactly was wrong and I thought I could fix it by giving her a smile and half of my fruit by the foot, sometimes I’d give her the whole thing but she needed so much more than that.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I leaned over and pressed my lips to hers, kissing her lovingly before wrapping her up in my arms. She snuggled into me, clinging to me for dear life. To other’s she may be a bitch or cold hearted but in reality she’s still that scared little girl just trying to get a good grasp on her life. She’s been through hell and it isn’t fair for her.

“Can we go into Baltimore today, go put flowers on his grave?” She wondered, speaking of her Uncle not her real Father.

“Yeah,” I whispered with a nod of my head.

“Thank you,” She muttered.

“For what?” I asked, “He’s your Uncle, I’m not going to say no to putting flowers on his grave.”

“No,” She pulled away from me and ran her fingers down my sleepy face, “For being there when you didn’t have to be,” She corrected, “For all the smiles, fruit by the foots, pudding cups and drawings the little boy you once were gave the little girl I once was.”

I smiled but said nothing.

“Like that smile,” She whispered before tracing my lips with her finger tips, “You still smile like you did when we were kids.”

“Good or bad?” I asked.

“Good,” She confirmed, “I’ve always loved you, Barakat.”

“Me too,” I insisted before kissing her once more, “Let’s stop being sad though, we have to find a house to move into, we have a sick child we have to deal with, not to mention all this sadness isn’t going to help you get pregnant.”

She cracked a small smile before blushing, “We can always send that sick child to his Father’s.” She teased.

I laughed, “Yeah, right, you expect me to believe you’d just send JJ away?” I frowned playfully, “I know you better than that, and you wouldn’t send him to Rian’s right now anyway because you think this is his fault.”

“It is, he broke him then got him ill, this is definitely Rian’s fault.” She nodded with wide eyes before pushing me onto my back so she could lay her head on my chest, “And as far as getting pregnant, I don’t want to get your hopes up but I’m two days late,” She informed me, “But it could also be from stress, so don’t jump to conclusions just yet.”

I forced a smile and nodded, “Ok,”

“Joel is flying in today, he’s staying here until his condo is ready … can JJ and I stay with you at your parents?”

I laughed, “Why are you even asking? My Mom has been chewing my ass out for not making you come over with me. Of course you two can stay.”

“Alright, I don’t want to be around him.”

“Me either,” I admitted then I fell quiet, “Kodie,” I started, “Babe, don’t push me away again.” I begged.

“Never,”

“Promise me, if you’re feeling the slightest bit depressed again, you’ll tell me and we can talk it out, don’t push me away and leave me.”

“I promise.”

I nodded to myself before rubbing her back and staring up at the ceiling. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish that I could be the one with her horrible memories instead of her, it would make her life ten times easier having that weight of her past lifted from her shoulders but since that will never happen the only thing I can do is just stay by her side, be there when she needs me, be that rock in her life because she’ll always have days like this until the day she dies, no matter how bad I don’t want her to go through this anymore; she will.