Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

Standing at a bit of a distance, I watched as Jack interacted with a couple of die hard All Time Low fans that spotted him as we carelessly walked through the mall, looking for items to decorate our new house with. A small frown played my face at how different he was acting, he was still the Jack I know to some extent but he seemed guarded. He was happy and more than thrilled to talk to his fans but it seemed like a front.

When I would meet my favorite band members growing up at the concerts I would attend with Jack, I would always get so stoked when anyone in the band took the time to talk to me and I always just assumed they were being honest and genuine and maybe some of them were but as I watch Jack, I realize now that I was naïve to think that my favorite band owed me something when I was the one wanting every little piece of them. I never thought about how they all probably had more important things to tend to in their personal life and now that I’m on the other side of this whole fan/band relationship, I regret all those times I randomly walked up to my favorite bands when it wasn’t at a show. There’s a time and place for meeting and greeting the band you look up to and when they’re with loved ones on their own time, isn’t it.

Shifting my weight from foot to foot, I exhaled loudly getting slightly annoyed now as Jack kept talking, even after the photos were taken and the random articles of clothing were signed. We have things to get done before tonight’s ‘date night’ with the rest of the guys and their significant others and I’m meeting Rian’s new lady friend. I know she’s just a rebound but Rian is Rian, rebound or not he tends to get attached to his girlfriends and if she’s going to be around for awhile, I want to make sure I trust her enough to be around mine and Rian’s Son.

Finally, Jack started to make his away from the girls as he waved and said his goodbyes. Once he had successfully gotten away, he came up to me and sighed stressfully, “Sorry,” He apologized as he took some of the bags, that he was holding onto before they approached, back into his hands, “I didn’t want to be rude,” Jack said softly.

“It’s fine,” I assured even though I was lying because I wasn’t fine with it, it’s just going to take some getting used to I suppose. In the last few years, I’ve been avoiding the guys as much as possible and I knew they were getting big as a band but I didn’t fully comprehend the extent of is. All Time Low fans are loyal and very determined to meet them, some of them can even be rude. And apparently the entire All Time Low fan base that ‘know’ the band and are ‘hardcore fans’ already know that Jack and I are married even though Jack and I have actually never formally told anyone about our marriage. Our family just put two and two together when they saw the left hand rings and overheard Jack calling me Mrs. Jack Barakat before he left for his little end of the year tour the day we got married.

“You’re lying, Kodie.” Jack pointed out, being able to see right through me.

I glanced over at my brown eyed Husband and shrugged my shoulders a little bit, “I just need to get used to it, that’s all Babe,” I assured then I frowned deeply when I thought about Rian being approached while being out in public with our Son. JJ didn’t choose this life, he shouldn’t have to deal with it, “It just scares me to think about JJ being with one of you guys when you’re approached by a fan,” I frowned as my anxiety got worse knowing Alex would get noticed more than any of them and Alex is my go to babysitter when I need someone at the last minute, JJ adores Alex, “What if JJ is with one of you guys when something like that happens? You can’t just set him off to the side and tell him to hold on, you’ll have to keep your attention on him.”

Jack looked over at me, studying me intently before he cracked a cute smile, “Well, you don’t have to worry about that with Rian, no one knows he’s in the band,” He teased playfully.

I frowned, “I’m serious, Jack!” I snapped sternly.

He exhaled, “It won’t happen because none of us will let it happen,” Jack assured me before adjusting his hat on his head, “It’s not like we’re famous, it’s not like we can’t go out in public,” He went on.

“What if it does happen?” I pressured him for an answer.

“If I had JJ with me and I saw a potential encounter with fans happening, I’d put my head down, pick him up and walk as fast as I could to avoid the situation, you’re right, JJ shouldn’t be in the middle of that and I can say that all the guys would do the same thing, especially Alex.” He assured me of his best friend.

I nodded a little bit.

“Believe it or not, he’s a private guy, hardly anyone even knows he has a girlfriend, let alone that she’s his high school sweetheart. And Rian is JJ’s Father, those Fatherly instincts will kick in, stop worrying.” He ordered.

Licking my lips, I inhaled deeply as I glanced around at the nameless people in the mall around us, “It just freaks me out,” I whispered, “I see where you guys are heading, believe it or not I think you guys are going to get ten times bigger than you are right now, you may not feel famous but Jack …” I looked at my Husband, “You are, in the eyes of your fans you are famous.”

Jack leaned over and kissed my temple softly before shrugged his shoulders, “We’ll see about that,” He muttered, “But for now, can we drop it?” He wondered, “I know it’s big issue with you but there’s nothing I can really do about fans coming up to me and like I said, it doesn’t happen every time I leave the house, comes with the territory.”

I nodded, agreeing with him as I fell silent, dropping the subject like he had asked me to but just because I wasn’t talking about it anymore didn’t mean I wasn’t still thinking about it. Yesterday, after my nightmare and after Jack came over to settle my nerves, when he woke up, we got dressed and went house hunting. It didn’t take us long to find the ‘perfect house’ and we put an offer on it, only mere hours later the offer was accepted and before I knew it, Jack and I were new owners of a house.

We can’t move in until this coming weekend and Jack will already be gone on tour but we decided to pick up a few major things for the house that the both of us would need to agree on, like the paint color we want for our master bedroom and the art work we want to hang up, just the big decisions. The small ones like what kind of dishware to get or what kind of welcome mat will be placed in front of the door I can pick out while he’s gone because it’s really not that big of a deal.

Slowly, the rest of the afternoon ticked away as Jack and I bickered like an old married couple as we picked out furniture and kitchen appliances and before I knew it, we were running late for dinner with the guys and rushing around his parents house trying to get ready while a whiney JJ tried to talk us into staying home with him because he didn’t want us to leave, he’s feeling better and doesn’t like the fact that all of our attention is directly focused on him anymore.

“Mama!” JJ whined as he watched me put my make up on, “I wanna go!” He cried.

I looked down at him, “You can’t,” I informed him for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last five minutes, “This is just for adults,” I assured him and as I said that, I felt myself laugh to softly. I couldn’t help myself though, I always used to say I would never tell my kid that but here I am, telling my Son he can’t go somewhere because it’s ‘for adults’ even though most of us are just barely out of our teenage years or in mine and Jack’s case, still teenagers ourselves.

“I’m better though,” JJ pointed out.

I nodded, “That’s good, but you need to stay here, your bedtime is in an hour, you need your sleep.”

He let out a force cry and just as he did that, Jack entered the bathroom with a frustrated look upon his face, “Justin Jon,” He said sternly as he picked the preschooler up effortlessly, “You need to leave Mama alone while she’s getting ready, she’s slow enough without your whining.” He told his Step-Son as he started to leave the bathroom, “You need to go pick your toys up in the living room anyway,” He pointed out.

I rolled my eyes, knowing that Jack wouldn’t be able to get JJ to pick his toys up because he’s hell-bent on going with us or getting us to stay. Minutes later I heard Jack from downstairs, “Kodie!” He wailed, “C’mon!”

I took one last look at myself in the mirror then nodded, deciding that I look well enough for our ‘fancy’ dinner at an upper class restaurant, a place that none of us rarely go to but we wanted to do something nice for a change. Don’t me wrong, burgers, bowling then beer pong at Alex’s after the bowling is amazing but sometimes it’s fun to dress up and go out.

Walking down the stairs into the living room, Jack looked up at me, dropping his jaw ever so slightly before his lips curled up into a smile, “Wow,” He whispered, “You look stunning.”

I blushed as I came off of the last stair, “Watch it, I’m married and my Husband will kick your ass if he sees you staring at me like that.” I teased.

He grinned, “Well, your Husband is one lucky son of a bitch.”

“I keep telling that,” I laughed before I walked over to my Son who was sitting on the couch, with slouched shoulders as he cuddled with Jack’s Mother, “JJ, can you be good while we’re gone?” I wondered.

He nodded slowly.

“Ok, I Love you and I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning, me and you will go to breakfast, how about that?”

“Breakfast?”

“Yep, we’ll go to Ihop and you can get chocolate chip pancakes and hot cocoa, deal?”

“Yeah,” He agreed, hiding his cute smile.

“Ok,” I leaned over and kissed his forehead, “Be good,” I ordered once again before I stood up straight, “Thank you for watching him,” I said to my Mother-in-Law.

“You two just have fun,” She insisted.

I nodded then walked over to the door that Jack had open and waiting for me, “We’ll probably be back before midnight, Mom.” Jack insisted, “It’s just dinner and maybe some dessert, nothing else.”

“Take your time,” She encouraged, “We’ll be just fine.” She added.

“Ok, Bye.” Jack called out as he shut the door and we hurried out to his car.

The ride to the restaurant was filled with more bickering about the paint color of our future living room, kitchen and dining room. Once we were actually at the restaurant, Jack pulled into an empty parking space next to Zack’s car before we hurried in. Inside, we found the large table that everyone was at and as we approached, I noticed that Rian’s date was missing, her purse was there but she was gone, maybe she was in the restroom.

“About time you assholes got here,” Alex huffed with a fake angry voice.

“You try to get ready with JJ whining and fussing,” I told him as I took the empty seat next to him, “Good God, it was horrible.” I muttered while watching Jack sit down next to me with Zack’s long time girlfriend, Laruen sitting on the other side of him.

Alex eyed me with his bright brown eyes, “You clean up well, Kodie.” He said simply.

‘Thank you, you do too, Alexander.”

He nodded as he smoothed out his button down shirt, “Yeah, well, I try.” He smiled a cocky smile then pointed to my menu, “Hurry up and pick what you want, we’re ready to order but we were waiting for you two slow pokes.”

I rolled my eyes then looked across the table at Rian, “Where’s your lady friend?”

“Restroom,” Rian answered simply before frowned softly, “Who has JJ?”

“My parents,” Jack butted in before I even had time to answer.

“Joel is at my parents house,” I whispered, knowing everyone at the table knows the story of what happened, “I didn’t want JJ there.”

Rian nodded slowly but said nothing.

“Kodie,” Zack said softly, “I highly doubt Joel would hurt a single hair on JJ’s head.”

I looked over at the boy who doesn’t look like he fits with the other three guys but that’s exactly what makes him fit, he may look different and not drink as much but he is just like them, “It’s not the point,” I insisted.

“Then what is the point?” He wondered.

“She’s making a statement,” Alex started, “She wants to let Joel know he’s a fucking douche bag and he had no right to do what he did so in return he doesn’t get to see JJ or Kodie anymore, right Kodie?”

I looked at Alex and nodded, “Something like that, yeah.” I agreed.

“Serves him right,” Alex’s girlfriend, Elizabeth, insisted, “I saw Jack’s face, it was hideous.”

“Thanks,” Jack muttered.

“Well,” She defended, “It was, you looked like shit, he really did hurt you and that’s not ok.”

“No, it isn’t ok,” I agreed.

She nodded then looked over at Rian, “You don’t want your Son over there, do you?”

Rian shrugged his shoulders, he’s stayed pretty neutral on the whole incident, “If Kodie doesn’t feel safe having JJ around him then I don’t either,” Rian said simply.

“You just don’t want to get your ass in trouble, that’s why you’re agreeing.” Lauren teased, earning a soft glare from Rian before he rolled his eyes and looked over his shoulder. When he did this, a smile grew on his face and that informed me that his new lady friend was making her way back to the table.

Looking up, I followed his gaze, studying all the women that were walking in our direction and much to my surprise there were only two. The first woman sat down at a table with a handsome thirty something year old man and as the second woman continued to walk towards us, my eyes grew wide and my heart quickened when I saw an almost spitting image of my real Father walking towards us, well a female version of him at least,

“Is this some sort of sick joke?” I snapped at Rian with a harsh voice.

Rian looked over at me, “What are you talking about Kodie?” He wondered.

“Oh God,” Jack muttered from next to me, having seen her as well.

As she approached the table, she sat down next to Rian and my real sister looked over at me and her eyes widened, having noticed it was me, “Kodie,” She muttered.

I glared over at her meanly then shot my eyes over to Rian, “What the fuck are you thinking, do you think this if fucking funny!?” I wailed, making a scene.

Rian stared at me with a clueless look, “You two know each other.”

“Real funny, Dawson.” I hissed before I stood up, “I’m just laughing my ass off.” With that, I walked away quickly, not wanting to deal with this at all.

No matter how much I try to forget my past, it always finds at way back into my current life, always.

------------------

I watched Kodie storm out of the restaurant then I looked back over at Rian, knowing he didn’t know that Claire was Kodie’s real sister before he started dating her, if he did know he wouldn’t have even agreed to going out with her. In fact, no one at this table knew, no one knew Kodie’s sister’s name or what she even looked like, they just knew she had a sister and that Kodie doesn’t like to talk about it.

As for Claire, I’m not sure if she knew that Rian is connected to Kodie or not. I don’t even know if Claire really knows anything about Kodie except for what her address was.

“Whoa,” Rian said, finally putting two and two together, “You’re Kodie’s sister?” He asked, scooting his chair away from the girl who looks nothing like her younger sister, except for their hair color, that’s about it, “Her real sister?”

Claire cleared her throat, “Yeah,” She nodded slowly, “How do you know her?” She wondered.

“She’s my Son’s Mother.” Rian said awkwardly then he cleared his throat before looking towards the entrance of the restaurant, “Oh my God, I had no idea.” He whispered before standing up, “I have to go talk to her,” He said quickly before practically running away to catch up with my Wife.

Myself on the other hand, I was frozen still, I didn’t know what to think. This is too much, especially since as of lately every time my Wife closes her eyes she keeps dreaming about that night her already shitty life took a turn for the worse when her Father came home drunk and killed Danny and himself. Joel’s violence against me definitely triggered something deep down in Kodie and a lot of her old feelings about life in general have resurfaced because of it. Now, adding Claire dating Rian to the mix is probably just fucking with her like nothing else.

Beside me, Alex body tensed up as he stared over at Claire and I could see it in his eyes he blamed her for the way Kodie turned out. Alex has been the only one through the last four years that has kept in constant contact with Kodie, talking to her almost on a daily basis, making sure that she was ok and that JJ was healthy. He sees her as his little sister and though it’s not always noticeable, he does love her and at times like these he gets just as protective over her as I do.

“You should just leave,” Alex said simply, not giving Claire a chance to explain herself.

Claire looked over at Alex, “Maybe I should just go talk to her,” She insisted.

“The hell you will,” I growled.

“And who are you to tell me if I can and can’t talk to my own sister?”

“I’m her Husband and trust me, she doesn’t want to talk to you. She wants nothing to do with you, at all.” I said sternly, trying to make it clear to her. I know that when they were little and this happened Claire had no choice of how things ended up because her and her Mother came home to see everything that was wrong and then they just left, leaving Kodie scared and alone, hiding behind the couch, they didn’t even try to look for her, they just left her in a house with two dead bodies for hours on end. It wasn’t until the neighbors called the police in the morning when they came over to babysit Kodie for Danny that someone found the horrified little girl. It isn’t Claire’s fault but I need someone to blame, don’t I?

Claire stared over at me before she scanned the faces of my friends at the table, all of them not approving of her anymore. Everyone at this table has had their disagreements with Kodie at some point in time but at the end of the day, everyone at this table loves her and none of our friends will ever willingly put her in an emotionally compromising situation like this one.

Shaking her head, Claire stood to her feet and walked away with her purse in her hand, getting the silent message we were all sending her. Once she was gone, I ran my hand over my face before I stood to my feet, “This is the last thing she needs,” I whispered simply before leaving, wanting to find my Wife and comfort her.

Outside, by my car I saw Rian holding my Wife in his arms, rubbing her back and letting her break down. When I saw this, my own tears wanted to fall, I just want to take all the pain away, that’s all. Walking over to them, I had barely stopped my walking when Kodie let Rian go and turned to me, wrapping her arms around me. I returned a protective embrace as I looked over at Rian. He shook his head and shrugged, “I honestly had no idea,” He muttered, “I didn’t even tell Claire about Kodie, I referred to her as Jack’s Wife.” He insisted.

I nodded, “It’s ok,” Kodie cried before I could. Pulling away from me, she sniffled then wiped away her tears, “You didn’t know.” She pointed out.

Rian looked at Kodie and I could tell he was heartbroken, “I’m truly sorry,”

“It’s fine,” Kodie insisted, “I’m just an emotional wreck, I guess.”

“You have every right to be,” Rian assured her then he licked his lips, “If she’s your sister, that means your Mom…”

Kodie looked over at Rian oddly, like she hadn’t realized that her real Mother is still alive and well.

“I met her Mom when I picked her up, her Mom lives with her, she was laid off from work and needed a place to stay …” Rian frowned as he studied Kodie, “You look like her,” He informed Kodie.

Kodie frowned as she looked down at the concrete then after a few seconds she lifted her head and glanced up at me, like she was searching for some sort of answer or advice and I didn’t have anything for her. Clearing her throat, she looked back down and sighed. Kodie has never talked about her real Mother, ever, besides the fact that she came home and left when she saw everything. Other than that, I don’t know about the kind of relationship they had, I don’t know if her Mother was on drugs and drank too or if she was just as scared and abused as Kodie was and why was she never home? I don’t understand at all.

Kodie lifted her head once again and frowned, “Why didn’t she come find me?” She whispered softly, “That night, how come she just left after seeing the blood and bodies …” She paused for a second, “How come she didn’t make sure I was ok or if I was even in the house?”

I shook my head, not having an answer.

“Why would she take my sister away but not me?” She let a few more tears fall, “She took my sister but I was left to the system, bouncing from house to house getting the shit beaten out of me almost every night until I met the Cryer’s.”

Rian gasped, he doesn’t really know about Kodie’s time spent in those foster homes like I do, no one does actually. She doesn’t like to talk about it, the only reason I know is because I was there when it all happened, I grew up with her, I saw the bruises, black eyes and broken arms. I saw the cut lips, stitches and swollen body parts from being hit so hard; I saw it all.

“How can a Mother not love her Daughter enough to even make sure she’s ok?” She went on, searching for an answer, “How!?” She wailed then she shook her head, “I can’t even imagine not knowing if JJ is ok or not,”

“She was just heartless,” I whispered softly.

Kodie shrugged her shoulders before wiping away some tears, “I want to talk to her, I want to know what she was thinking when she left me alone that night, I need to know.”

“Kodie,” I muttered.

“Jack, I need to know.” She said simply, “I need to know.”

I licked my lips then nodded my head slowly, “Ok,” I agreed, knowing she’s going to do what she wants to do with or without my approval, “C’mere,” I ordered, pulling her back into my arms, “I love you,” I whispered to her as I rubbed her back and avoided eye contact with Rian.

I don’t know why her Mother did what she did but I know that Kodie wanting to see her real Mother won’t turn out good. She has a family and that family is the Cryer’s, in my eyes her real Mother is a piece of shit for leaving her there, for not wanting to find her and make sure she was ok. In my eyes, she’s simply the woman who gave birth to Kodie, not her Mother and I can bet everything I own that it’ll stay that way. Kodie is just looking for an answer not a relationship; I just hope that when she gets her answer it doesn’t tear her apart.