Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

Standing outside apartment 2B, I stared at the door silently before lifting my hand to knock. Once I knocked, I dropped my hand to my side and waited nervously. After last nights’ huge surprise about Rian dating Claire, I made my mind up that I was going to come over to Claire’s apartment to meet my real Mother to ask her one question then leave. Rian drove me here and is outside in the car with JJ while Jack refused to come along, he doesn’t think this is the best of ideas but I need to know why she just left me that night. She knew I was home, where else would a little four year old girl go?

Slowly, the large wooden door with gold lettering on it, opened and a beautiful middle aged woman stood there. The second I laid eyes on her, I finally knew where all of my physical features came from. The petite brunette with green eyes stared back at me, knowing who I was, how could she not know? I probably look like a spitting image of how she once looked when she was my age. Gasping softly, she stared at me with nothing but loving eyes as they swelled up with tears, “Kodie,” She whispered.

I frowned deeply and kept my raging emotions under control, truth be told, I wanted to reach out and hit her but that would be the wrong thing to do, I don’t condone violence whatsoever, the time I hit Joel was an exception and he truly deserved it for what he did to Jack. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I exhaled loudly then licked my lips, “I didn’t come to chit chat,” I said harshly.

She nodded a little bit then stepped to the side, “Please, come in for a moment,” She insisted with a kind smile.

Reluctantly, I walked into the well organized apartment that belongs to Claire then looked around, “Can I get you something to drink?” She wondered.

“No,” I said bluntly then I turned on my heel to look at her.

“Look at you,” She said before I could get anything out, “You turned out beautiful,” She smiled, “You look amazing, Kodie. I’ve always wondered what you would grow up to look like, a true knock out.”

I frowned, “Stop it,” I ordered, “Just shut up,” I demanded, “I have one question and one question only,”

“Anything,” She nodded.

“Why did you leave me there that night?” I asked, “How come you left a scared four year old alone in a house with two dead bodies. You came home, I saw you and Claire come in then instantly leave when you saw … when you saw them.”

She let a few tears fall before shaking her head, “What do you want me to say, Kodie?” She whispered, “To be honest, I thought you were dead too, I thought that your Daddy had killed you too and I didn’t want to go looking for that. I saw my Brother and my Husband both shot and blood was everywhere, I didn’t want to find you and see you with a bullet wound too, I wouldn’t have been able to stomach it. Believe it or not, I loved you so much and as soon as I found out you were alive, I tried to find you but I couldn’t and the county didn’t help me.”

I shook my head, “He wasn’t my Father,” I said coldly, “I have a Dad and he loves me so much,” I whispered, “He’s ten times the man your Husband was.”

“He was sick, he wasn’t right.”

“He was a fucking alcoholic!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, “An abusive one!”

She turned her face away from me.

“And you, you were never home, I hardly remember you at all!”

“I was always working and if I wasn’t working I tried to stay away as much as I could,” She admitted, “Daniel was there … he loved you so much.”

“My Uncle Danny is the only person who loved me from when I was little girl, he is the only one of you people whom I consider family. Whether or not you thought I was dead or alive you still should’ve came and found me.”

She looked over at me, “Where were you?”

“Behind the couch, not that it matters now.” I answered, “I saw it happen, I saw that monster shoot my Uncle then shoot himself in the head, I watched the blood splatter all over the place from when he shot himself. You have no idea what I saw or what I’ve been through since then. You will never understand.”

“Kodie, I’m your Mother, I love you, I want a relationship.”

“I have a Mother,” I growled as I started towards the door, “And she isn’t you.” I narrowed my eyes on her, “You should be ashamed of yourself and I never want to see you again, so stay the fuck away from me and my family.” With that, I pulled the door open and left, slamming the door behind myself as I did so.

On the way down to Rian’s car, my tears started to fall from my eyes, as I cried uncontrollably. Once I had reached the car, I got in the passenger seat then looked over at Rian. He gave me a sad look before reaching over and wiping away some tears, “How’d it go?” He whispered.

I looked in the backseat to see JJ had fallen asleep in his booster seat, “I got my answer,” I muttered as I turned back to Rian, “She didn’t come find me before she thought I was dead, she was worried about having to see me dead so she didn’t come confirm her assumption, she just left me there.”

“Oh God,” He shook his head, “Kodie, I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, you weren’t there,” I pointed out.

He shrugged, “I know but I can’t imagine how you feel.”

“Like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders,” I answered truthfully, “I got my answer, the one thing I have always asked myself, I got it answered. That’s all I wanted, Rian.”

“So … what now?” He wondered, “Are you ever going to talk to them again?”

“No,” I answered truthfully, “I have a family,” I lowered my head, “My Mom is going to be heartbroken when she finds out what I did today.” I looked back at Rian and shrugged, “If that sort of thing ever happened to me and JJ was in that situation, whether he would be dead or not, I’d still want to find him, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes,” He answered, “I would, it would tear me up not knowing.”

“Me too.” I licked my lips then forced a smile, “But that’ll never happen to JJ,” I inhaled deeply, “I think I can let go now,” I admitted, “I think it’s time to finally start living in the present, stop dwelling on the past.”

“I think it’s time too,” Rian whispered, “For yourself, for JJ, for your parents and brothers …” He cleared his throat, “And most definitely for Jack,” He started the car, “He worries about you more than he lets on,” He informed me, “He may act like a immature boy ninety nine percent of the time but when it comes to you … you’re the only subject he approaches like a man.”

I stared over at the man that gave me my greatest blessing and smiled, “I know,” I nodded, “He’s amazing to me.” I admitted as I reached up and wiped away some stray tears, “I don’t think the nightmares will ever go away,” I whispered.

“Honey … Kodie you witnessed a murder/suicide, that’s something you don’t just forget, of course you’ll have those nightmares every once in a while but you can be happy now, put the past in the past. You have JJ, Jack and your family, not to mention me and the rest of the guys.”

I just smiled softly but said nothing else for the rest of the ride to Jack’s house where Jack was packing up all of his belongings he wanted to take to our new house and things he wanted to donate. Once there, Rian just dropped me off, seeing as how JJ wanted to spend the night with him today. Walking into the Barakat household, I looked around knowing Jack was the only one home, “Babe?” I called out.

Slowly, Jack came out of the office packing a few unfolded boxes. He looked over at me without saying a word but there was curiosity in his eyes, “She thought he killed me, so she just left.” I whispered to him, “She thought I was dead and didn’t want to see me if I was, in fact, dead.”

He nodded slowly, “Feel better now?” He wondered, “Was that all that was said?”

“No, I argued a little bit … but I do feel a lot better; like everything is right, for once in my life. I feel like I can move on, finally, the weight of the world has seriously been lifted from my shoulders.”

Jack walked over to me and ran his free hand through my hair, “I’m glad to hear it, babe.” He whispered before kissing me, “Truly, I’m glad to hear it.”

I smiled then I stole another kiss, “I’m so over it all now,”

He nodded, “Good,”

I took his face between my hands, “Mean it?”

“I mean it,” He nodded then kissed me once again, this time it was passionate and his knowing tongue drove me crazy. Pulling away from me first, he grinned cutely before kissing the tip of my nose, “Now that you’re here, and feeling better about life, you can come upstairs and help me pack.” He insisted.

“Or we can go upstairs and have a little fun before your parental units get home from work,” I teased.

He let his brown eyes scan over me intently before he nodded, “Or we can pack,” He smiled, “Then have sex knowing that after we’re done having sex we don’t have to pack.”

I laughed at him then nodded, “Ok, you win.” I agreed as I took the boxes from me, “Packing it is.”

“Tonight,” He whispered as he started up the stairs, “Tonight we can have sex.”

I rolled my eyes, “If I’m not too tired from packing,”

“You’re gonna act like that, are you?”

“Yes,” I answered, “I’m a woman, I can act however I’d like.”

“You drive me crazy,” He laughed as we came up to his room and as we walked in, I gasped softly at how messy it looks, “Jack,” I muttered.

“I know, I know … who knew I had so much shit in here,” He stepped over some piles of clothes before he picked something up from his desk, “I did find something that sorta sums up our entire relationship though.”

“What?” I wondered as I kicked an empty shoe box.

Jack handed me an old photo album that I didn’t recognize. I frowned deeply before taking it from him and opening it, when I did open it, I smiled when I saw the first pictures Jack and I took as an official couple. We were just a couple of kids in junior high, with free time after school and five bucks in quarters, so we went to the photo booth that used to be at a local pizza place and we spent five bucks on five different photo sessions.

“Jack,” I laughed happily as I stared at the two awkward looking preteens, “Look at us,” I giggled then shook my head, “I forgot about this.” I whispered.

He nodded, “Me too, until I found them cleaning out my closet.” He let out a sigh, “Something interesting to keep, yeah?”

“Yeah,” I confirmed as I continued to look at the black and white pictures, “I love you,” I said simply.

“I love you, too.” Jack whispered back before he walked over to me and kissed my forehead and took the pictures from me, “Let’s pack.”

“Asshole,” I growled playfully before I stood up and tangled my hands up in his long black hair with blonde patches, “Will you ever just dye your hair black, just back to it’s natural color?”

“Someday, maybe.”

I caressed his face that he hadn’t shaved today, “Grow a beard for me,” I whispered, knowing he has facial hair and knowing he could grow a decent beard if he wanted to, “Not like a full blown beard,” I muttered, “Just, scruff.”

“What makes you think I can grow … scruff?”

“You have to shave every day, Jack.” I pointed out, “That’s a pretty good hint, yeah?”

“No,” He shook his head.

“Whatever,” I laughed.

“I will, someday.”

“When?”

“When you shave something for me,” He insisted.

I frowned, “Babe,” I whispered, “What’s there to shave besides my head, I already shave everything that I’m supposed to shave and if you’re referring to my lady business, there isnt anything to shave, I wax.”

He laughed and nodded, “Right, well … I just don’t want to right now, maybe next winter.”

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes, “Let’s pack,” I laughed as I picked up the boxes and started to put them together so we could pack things in them.

Suddenly, Jack wrapped his arms around me from behind and kissed my neck lovingly. I smiled but said nothing as I continued to fold and tape the boxes, “Let’s skip packing for right now.” He gave in.

I just smiled more than I had been then turned around to him. Without a word I pressed my lips to his once more and slowly we got caught in the moment, and at this very moment my life couldn’t get any better than it is now. Finally for the first time in my entire life, I’m in love with my life.