Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

“I don’t know if I can go in there,” I whispered softly, “I don’t know if I even want to go in there,”

“I don’t want you to regret anything, Kodie.”

I turned my eyes to the man who took a chance on a broken child and called her his own, “Why should I go in there, Dad?” I wondered, “What did she ever do for me?”

“You weren’t in her shoes, sweetie, you have no idea how she truly felt that night. You were a little girl, you may have only been getting half of the picture. Granted, your biological Father was a fucking bastard and if I had the chance to beat the living shit out of him, I would but he’s dead.” He frowned a little, “She’s on her death bed, sweetie, she’s trying to right her wrongs and she may not be able to with a lot of them but you … you can go up there and possibly take the fear out of dying for her.” He looked back at JJ who had fallen asleep in his car seat, “Take Justin Jon, too.” He ordered, “I’m just saying, if I were her, I would like it a lot to see you.”

I looked back at my Son, “He just fell asleep, I can’t carry him because of my weight restriction.”

“Make him walk, he’s almost five for crying out loud, he has two legs he knows how to use them.”

Inhaling deeply, I unbuckled myself then climbed out of my Father’s truck before opening up the back door and reaching in, “JJ, c’mon babe.” I ordered as I gently shook the sleeping pre-schooler, “JJ, wake up.”

Keeping his eyes shut, he rolled his head around for a second or two before he opened his eyes and looked over at me with his green eyes, the only feature he inherited from me, “C’mon babe,” I repeated as I unbuckled him from his seat then helped him out of it, “We’ll be right back, Daddy.” I whispered to my Father as my Son’s feet hit the pavement.

“I’ll be here,” He insisted before I shut the door.

Taking JJ’s hand in mine, I slowly started towards the front entrance of the hospital, “This isn’t McDonalds,” JJ pointed out, giving that’s where we were heading until my Father took a detour to the hospital.

“We’ll go to McDonalds after we’re done here, I just need to see someone.”

“But I’m hungry and I need to play baseball.” He told me, referring to the fact that he has little league practice in about two hours and after a lot fighting between my Father and Trent, Trent ultimately won and is JJ’s little league coach.

“I know, we’ll be real quick.” I assured then looked down at him, he was dressed in his baseball uniform along with his cleats.

“Where are we?” JJ wondered as he looked at the hospital.

“The hospital,” I informed him simply.

“Why, you ok?”

“I’m fine, babe,” I laughed, “We’re here to see someone.”

“Who?”

I let out a sigh, “Someone you don’t know and probably will never truly know,” I said truthfully, “Someone I knew a long time ago, when I your age.”

Tightening his hand around mine, JJ didn’t seem too concerned as he jumped as high as he could up the curb and onto the walkway from the parking lot. Giggling cutely, he found amusement in the sound his cleats made when they hit the ground, “Is Daddy coming to my game this weekend?” He asked.

“Yes, Daddy will be there, Jack will be there, all of your Uncles, and Auntie Elizabeth will be there too.” I smiled while entering the hospital, “They’re going to have to install another set of bleachers for everyone who will be there cheering you on.” I joked.

“Cool,” JJ grinned then he looked up at me, “I’m the best you know that, Mama?”

“Says who?”

“Everybody,” He shrugged his shoulders like it wasn’t a big deal.

“Well, don’t get too cocky,” I ordered, “Just because you have the talent other kids your age may not have, doesn’t mean you need to brag about it, you still need to be nice to everyone else.”

“I know, Papa already told me.” JJ admitted.

Falling quiet, I felt nervous as I maneuvered my way through the hospital, knowing exactly where it is that I’m going because Claire told my Father the floor level and the room number that her Mother is in. Before I knew it, I was outside of the room looking in to see Claire sitting next to her Mother’s bed, holding her hand.

Clearing my throat to let them know I was there, I got both of their attention and Claire stood to her feet quickly, “Kodie,” She said with slight shock then she turned his eyes to JJ.

Pulling my Son closer to me as if I was protecting him from something dangerous, I nodded my head as I walked in slowly, “Claire,” I whispered and despite my knowledge of my weight restriction, I swept JJ up off of his feet and held him effortlessly in my arms.

“I didn’t think you’d come,” Claire pointed out then she looked over at her Mother, who looked extremely sick, “You’re pregnant,” She said turning her eyes towards me, “Do you know what it is?”

“It’s a boy,” I informed her then I walked over to the bed and looked down at the woman who gave birth to me, “Are you in pain?” I asked, genuinely not wanting her to be in pain.

“No, they’re giving me some good drugs.” She assured then she looked at JJ, “He’s beautiful, how old is he?”

“Four,” JJ answered before I had the chance to, “But my Birthday is real soon,” He grinned cutely, looking everything like Rian.

“What’s your name?” She asked.

“Justin Jon Dawson-Jensen.” He smiled, “But it’s really just JJ.”

“Justin Jon Barakat-Dawson,” I corrected, seeing that I changed his last name when I got married to Jack and changed my last name to Barakat, “JJ Dawson,” I muttered the name he goes by, “He’s on his to little league practice, aren’t you?”

“Yep, but I gotta get chicken nuggets first.” He said simply.

“Are you really good at baseball?” She went on with a smile.

“The best,” JJ grinned then he studied the sick woman, “What’s your name?” He wondered.

“Mary,” She answered, “I’m your Mother’s … friend.” She nodded, “It’s really good to finally meet you though, I’ve heard of you before.”

JJ nodded a little bit then he pointed to my belly, “That’s my little Brother,” He said openly, he tells anyone who will listen that his little Brother is growing in me, “Jack put him there in my Mama,” He made a face, “Jack is my Daddy’s friend and he’s my second Daddy.”

“JJ, she doesn’t need to hear our whole life story,” I laughed.

JJ shrugged his shoulders but said nothing.

“I thought Rian was his Dad’s name, not Jack.” She wondered.

“Rian is his Dad, it was a long time ago and it was one night,” I shrugged, “Jack and Rian are close friends… best friends. Jack and I are married, making him JJ’s step-Dad.” I rolled my eyes, “It’s complicated.” I admitted.

She nodded then she looked up at me, “I’m sorry,” She apologized in a quiet voice, “For everything I did and everything I didn’t do,”

“I know,” I confirmed, “I forgive you,” I lied but only for the sake of her own peace of mind, she’s dying why cause her more pain?

“Your Dad, he wasn’t always such a bad man, you know. When I fell in love with him, he really was decent.”

“He wasn’t my Dad,” I clarified, “My Dad is out in the parking lot waiting for me, right now.” I said simply.

She nodded, “I’m glad you found a good home.”

“Only after years of being bounced around from foster home to foster home, being rejected by people who didn’t give a damn about me.” I pointed out, “You’ll never understand the pain I went through, the pain that I’ll continue to go through when the nightmares get bad. If it wasn’t for Jack, the Jensen’s and JJ I would be so far gone right now, who knows what I would’ve ended up to be like.”

“You turned out so beautiful, I’m very proud of you.”

I nodded then I turned my attention to JJ who was focused on the IV machines. Kissing his temple softly, I pointed to my birth Mother, “Tell her goodbye, JJ.” I ordered.

JJ looked at her, “Bye,” He grinned, “Maybe you can come to my game this weekend too,” He nodded.

“Yeah, maybe but I doubt it.” She smiled, “It was very nice meeting you.” She then turned her eyes to me, “I love you, even though you don’t love me, thank you for being here.”

I nodded but said nothing else as I left the room as quickly as I possibly could. Once I was safe in the elevator going down to the lobby, I let a few tears fall from my eyes not really understanding why I’m crying but not stopping it either. JJ frowned with concern as he placed his little hands on my cheeks, “What’s wrong?” He asked, “Why you cryin’?”

I shook my head a little bit but didn’t answer him, “I love you, Babe.” I said to him simply.

“I love you, Mama.” He mocked, “All the way to the moon and back,” He smiled, “Two times.”

I laughed and kissed his cheek, “That’s a lot of love,”

“Yep, lots of it.”

I smiled softly then reached up and wiped away my tears just as the doors opened. Putting JJ down onto his feet, I took his hand in mine then left the hospital, knowing that I’d never see that woman again and honestly, I’m ok with that. I’m sad that she’s dying, I wish death upon no one but I won’t miss her, as cold as that sounds. Maybe now, finally, I can just leave my past in my past.

-------------------

Walking through the front door of mine and Jack’s home, I tossed down JJ’s dirty cleats then looked over at Jack who was sprawled out over the couch, “Babe, can you go get JJ out of his car seat, he fell asleep on the way home.”

Jack looked up and over at me before he got up to his feet, “Yeah,” He confirmed as he walked over and kissed my cheek, “How was practice?” He wondered on his way out of the door.

“Long,” I admitted as I watched him go out to my car and carefully unbuckle JJ before scooping him up in his arms. Holding him close to his body, Jack hurried back in and studied me with brown eyes but said nothing as he continued on and into the hall before ultimately going into JJ’s room.

Following him silently, I leaned against the doorframe and watched as Jack carefully took JJ’s dirty practice uniform off and replaced it with his PJ’s. Like any loving Father would, Jack covered JJ up with the blankets then placed a gentle kiss upon his forehead before standing up straight and turning to leave.

“Holy shit,” Jack snapped at me as he jumped, having not known I was there, “You scared the shit out of me, Kodie.” He muttered.

“Sorry,” I whispered as I moved out of his way.

Jack nodded slightly then shut the door half way before taking my hand in his and walking away towards the living room. Sitting himself down on the couch, Jack looked up at me and lightly patted his thigh, silently letting me know that he wanted me on his lap. Straddling his lap, I stared at my Husband but said nothing.

“Your Mom called,” He mumbled as he pushed my shirt up so he could see my belly, “Told me that you may either be an emotional wreck or pissed off at the world,” He paused, “Because you went to the hospital but you’re neither, are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” I assured as he started to rub my belly with soft, warm hands, “It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be,” I admitted, “I can let go now, Jack.”

He nodded, “You’ve been saying that you’re letting go for months now,” He pointed out.

“I know, but this is really it.” I assured.

“I think it was really nice of you to go to the hospital.”

“I didn’t go there willingly,” I whispered, “My Dad took me.”

“He didn’t force you to go in, Kodie.”

“No,” I agreed.

Jack smiled then pouted his lips, wanting a kiss. Leaning forward, I kissed him lightly, “Have you had anything to eat?” Jack whispered into the kiss.

“Fries from McDonalds before the practice,”

“Would you like me to go make you something to eat?”

“Microwave ravioli’s doesn’t count as making me something.” I teased.

“No, but there some thawed out steaks in the fridge, I haven't had anything to eat yet … we can make something of it,” He smirked, “Get a little romantic, dimmed lights and everything.”

“That sounds nice,”

“Ok, if you let me up I’ll go make some dinner.”

“Jack, I love you,”

He smiled, “I know, Kodie … and I love you.”

I nodded, “Thank you for always being my rock, even when I didn’t want you to be, Thank you.”

Jack said nothing in return, he just gave me a loving kiss before pulling my shirt back down over my belly and lightly tapping my thighs, “Get up, Babe, I’ve got dinner to cook.”

I smiled at him then slowly slid off of his lap and onto the couch next to him. He stood to his feet then started towards the kitchen, “I’m leaving in a few days,” He reminded me.

“I know,”

“Warped tour,” He muttered, “The new CD comes out this summer, are you ready for it?”

I just smiled but it then faded, “Does it matter?”

Jack looked back at me, “Yeah, it matters to me.”

“Well, I suppose I am then.” I looked at the muted TV, “You’re going places, Jack.”

“I’m taking you with me, Kodie.”

“Promise?”

Jack shot me a look then nodded his head, “If wasn’t, I wouldn’t have married you, silly.”

I smirked over at him then kicked my shoes off before lying down on the couch, “Hurry up and get dinner fixed, I’m hungry.”

He just laughed as he disappeared in the kitchen to fix dinner. Read or not, the rest of my life is starting and it’s coming at me so fast. Honestly, I can’t wait.