Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

“What are we going to name him?” I asked my Husband while I watched him try to put together a changing table, “We can’t keep calling him baby Barakat.”

Jack laughed softly before he glanced up at me with bright brown eyes, “Well,” He started, “I don’t have any names off the top of my head, after I’m done with this we can look online.”

“Online,” I wrinkled my nose, “Why don’t I go to Barnes and Nobles and get a baby name book instead?” I asked, “Leave the computer out of it.”

“Whatever you want to do, Babe,” Jack muttered, “I still have the crib to finish before I leave tomorrow afternoon.”

Running my hands over my baby bump, I studied him with a frown upon my face, “You know, Jordan lives here too, he can put that together for us if you want.”

Jack shot me a glare, “This isn’t Jordan’s baby, it’s mine.” He snapped meanly then he let out a soft sigh, “I just want to do this myself, Kodie, if I need help I’ll ask Jordan.”

“Does this have anything to do with the fact that you’re not going to be here when I give birth to baby Barakat?” I wondered.

Putting the screwdriver down, Jack stood up and looked at me, “Honestly, yes, it does.” He admitted, “I want to feel like I’m contributing something to this pregnancy, I’m not going to meet my Son until he’s almost two months old, I want to do something for him and this is the only thing I can think of.”

“You’re going to be a great Father, does it look like I’m upset with the fact that you can’t be here for the birth?” I asked, “Sure I’m a bit bummed but I also know that the reason you can’t be here is your job, your dream.”

“You’re my dream too, he’s my dream …”

“Jack, don’t be so hard on yourself, I don’t need you being so depressed before you leave,” I frowned deeply, “This is supposed to be a great time in our lives, and it will be even if I have to duct tape your mouth until you leave.” I smirked then walked over to him. Standing on the tips of my toes, I kissed his lips and smiled more than I had been, “Finish the changing table and the crib, I’m going to go get a baby name book,” I placed my hands on his chest, “And maybe I’ll even stop by Target and get some baby clothes just for the hell of it.”

“Alright,” He nodded while running his fingers through my hair.

“Alright,” I mocked then gave him another kiss before leaving the nursery and ultimately the house.

My trip to the bookstore didn’t take nearly as long as I thought it would and my stop at Target wasn’t that long either. People were getting on my nerves and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with them and their rudeness, after picking out only a few different boy outfits and a few shirts and shorts for JJ, I left.

Having only been away from the house for maybe an hour and a half, I decided to stop by Alex and Elizabeth’s apartment to kill time. Knocking on the door lightly, I waited patiently before the door opened and Alex stood there wearing his PJ’s with his hair a complete mess, “Ew,” I made a face at my best friend.

“Ew,” He mocked then reached up and played with his hair, “You don’t like my new look I’m gonna rock all summer?” He wondered, “Elizabeth thinks it’s sexy,”

“I do not,” She laughed from inside the apartment, “Let her in Alex, don’t make her stand on our doorstep, she’s pregnant.”

“And that’s my fault?” He asked as he stepped to the side and eyed me with a smile, “What brings you by, Munchkin?” He wondered.

“I went to town for a few things and thought I’d be gone longer but since it didn’t take as long as I thought it would, I figured I’d stop by here … Jack doesn’t really want to be bothered right now, he’s putting together the changing table and crib for baby Barakat.”

Shutting the door, Alex let out a sigh, “I swear, he’s going to drive us all fucking insane this entire tour. That or he’s going to be a completely obnoxious drunk the whole time.”

“And that’s something new for him?” I joked before sitting down on the couch.

“This is killing him, Kodie.” Alex grumbled as he flopped down on the loveseat next to Elizabeth before he picked up his game controller from the coffee table, “He’s really bummed that he isn't going to be here.”

“I know but there’s really nothing he can do about it, it’s not like I can tell my body and the baby to hold off on the delivery for a few months,” I made a face.

Alex smiled a little bit, “It’d be pretty neat if you could though,”

I rolled my eyes but said nothing else while I looked over at their TV to see that Alex was playing some sort of shooter game, “This is what you do the day before you leave?” I wondered.

“I’m honing my skills,” Alex mumbled, “There’s going to be a lot of game playing this summer, we’re in a bus instead of our van,”

“Have you picked out a name yet?” Elizabeth wondered.

“Not yet, I just got a baby name book, I think we’re going to pick a name out tonight,” I informed her while staring at the TV blankly, “My birth Mother died yesterday,” I whispered.

The game on the TV paused and I could sense both of their eyes locked on me curiously, “I saw her about four or five days ago,” I informed them, not knowing if they knew, “I didn’t really feel anything,” I turned my eyes to meet Alex’s, “Is that bad?” I asked.

Alex shrugged his shoulders then shook his head, “I don’t think it is but then again I’m not a shrink, babe.” He studied me, “How are you feeling about her death, though?”

“I feel closure,” I answered, “I don’t have to wonder about her anymore, or hate her anymore, a lot of weight has been lifting from my shoulders.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, “Wow, do I sound like a heartless bitch right now.”

“No one blames you, Kodie,” Elizabeth assured me, “I still can’t wrap my head around what she did, how could she just leave, whether or not she thought you were dead too, how could she just leave?” She shook her head and stood to feet, “I wouldn’t be able to do it, that’s for damn sure.” She insisted before walking towards the kitchen.

“Does Jack know she died yesterday?” Alex questioned me.

“Yeah, he’s the one who answered the phone, I wasn’t feeling well yesterday so I stayed in bed the majority of the time.”

Raising his eyebrows, Alex nodded slowly, “So, are you finally letting go?” He smiled, “After all of these years, is this it?”

“The nightmares will never stop,” I admitted, “They come and go but yeah, this is it.”

A slow smile crawled across his face before he nodded with approval, “Good,” He put the game controller down then got up. Walking over to me, he tugged me to my feet and hugged me tightly, “It’s about damn time,” He muttered with a laugh before kissing my cheek and letting me go, “Plus, you want to be in tip top condition when baby Barakat arrives, he’s going to be a little hell raiser just like his Father, for sure.” He insisted before sitting back down.

“God … I hope he’s exactly like his Father,” I admitted with a grin before walking towards the kitchen, “That would definitely be fun.”

“Careful what you wish for, Kodie.” Elizabeth teased as I walked into the kitchen, “Here,” She handed me a glass of iced tea, “Stay awhile, don’t leave me here with that zombie killing fool,” She laughed before she grabbed herself a glass and sat down at the table. I smiled as I sat down as well, deciding to stay awhile, it’s not like Jack wants me at home right now anyway, I’ve been in his way all day and I’m definitely no help with putting together the changing table and crib, so I might as well stay out of his hair.

-----------------

“Is the crib and changing table down?” My Wife asked as she walked through the front door and saw me lying on the couch, watching ESPN.

“Yeah,” I answered as I looked up at her, “What took you so long?” I wondered.

“Oh, I stopped by Alex’s.” She informed me, “Elizabeth and I got to talking while Alex verbally abused the game he was playing.”

I smiled before sitting up and turning the TV off, “What did you get?” I mumbled as I reached over and took the bags from her, going through them. Pulling out a pair of shorts, I eyed them then smirked, “These are a little big for baby Barakat, don’t you think?” I teased, knowing they’re for JJ.

“Funny,” She spat sarcastically before sitting down next to me, “He needs some Summer clothes, he’s growing out of his clothes so fucking fast, it isn't even funny,” She grabbed the Barnes and Noble bag from me then tugged out a large baby name book.

“Holy hell, Kodie, that’s a big fucking book.”

“There’s a lot of names in this world, Barakat.”

“Tell me about it,” I took out the infant outfits she picked out for our unborn Son and wrinkled my nose, “Kodie, are you serious?”

“What?” She wondered innocently, “Jack, I’m not going to go buy the baby name brand clothes when he’s only going to fit in them maybe two to three months before he out grows them.”

“I know but these are ugly,” I complained.

“All well, you do his clothes shopping then,” She ordered with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Target has cute baby clothes, I think you managed to pick out the only shitty ones there,” I teased.

“Shut up,” She grumbled.

Leaning over, I kissed her cheek softly, “I guess they’re not that bad,” I mumbled before kissing her again and putting the clothes back in the bag and leaning back, “Ok, let’s pick out a name, shall we?”

“Yes,” She agreed while curling up next to me and opening the book, “How do you want to do this?” She wondered, “Just pick out what sounds good or do it randomly … what?”

“Whatever sounds good, I guess, we’ll just read through the names the right name is in there somewhere.”

Resting her head against my shoulder, Kodie slowly turned to the first page of names and stared at it for a moment before closing the book and looking at me, “Let’s go somewhere,” She insisted.

“Now?” I wondered, “Babe, it’s almost ten at night, everything is closing except for bars and twenty four hour grocery stores, where do you possibly want to go?”

“Just … out,” She whispered, “Put your shoes on, I’ll drive.” She stood to her feet and grabbed just her car keys and the name book before leaving the house without waiting for me. Frowning deeply, I dug through her purse and grabbed her wallet where that held her license in it, just in case we happen to get pulled over then I shoved my feet into my worn on Nike shoes.

Once I was in the passenger seat of my own car, I glanced over at my Wife, “Why aren’t we taking your car?”

“Because I’m low on gas and don’t really want to stop at a gas station right now, that’s why.” Kodie informed me as she put my car into reverse and pulled out of the drive way.

“Where are you taking me?” I questioned.

“Just sit tight and stop bitching,” She ordered before reaching over to my radio and turned it on. Once she was satisfied with what was on the stereo, she put both hands on the wheel and sang along to the music but didn’t say a word to me the entire drive.

Before I knew it, we were parked in a familiar parking lot, looking at an even more familiar park. Cutting the engine, Kodie stared at the playground where we spent so many summer days together. It wasn’t anywhere near my house or any of her foster homes but we found it one day while riding bikes. Nestled safely in a quiet, upper class neighborhood, it was the perfect getaway for Kodie when we were kids. I haven't been here since my freshman year in high school.

“When I was pregnant with JJ, I’d always come here to get away,” Kodie whispered to me, “To forget everything,” She mumbled, “And I used to dream about JJ playing here, growing up on this playground away from harm while I talked and gossiped with the other housewives,” She admitted, “Truth is, I still wish he could play here, to know what it’s like to live in this neighborhood,”

“Babe, this neighborhood is nice but I can almost guarantee you that these people have just as many problems as we do, if not more.”

“I know,” She nodded her head, “You can’t escape evil or problems but … some places are just better than others, that’s just the way it is. Our neighborhood, as nice as it is, doesn’t compare to this place, you know? This is a good place to raise a family.”

I bit down on my lip before staring over at the tire swing where we shared our first real passionate kiss, “You feel safe here, don’t you?” I asked.

“I feel safe with you,” She muttered.

“I know but just answer the question, this is where you feel safe…”

“Yeah,” Kodie admitted then she pointed to the kiddie swings, “I want those swings to be the swings our little boy uses,” She whispered.

I exhaled loudly before looking at the nearby homes that are completely gorgeous and most definitely out of my price range, “One day,” I said softly, not knowing what else to say because I don’t want to break her dreams of living here.

“Remember when we used to walk around this neighborhood late in the evening just before the sun went completely down?” She asked me, “And there was that one house that was two stories and you could see the back of it and it had that huge balcony and that amazing tree house that looked like a complete replica of the house.”

I nodded, “The Romeo and Juliet house we used to call it,” I smirked then it faded, “I promised you that one day I would buy it for you.” I whispered.

She laughed, “Well, you don’t have to buy it for me,” She insisted, “I was just wondering if you remembered that place,”

“Of course I do,” I nodded, “I also remember the white house. That huge house that was completely white and I was convinced that, that’s where the President lived when he wanted to get away from everyone.”

“We had a lot of fun in this neighborhood didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “The residents probably thought we lived here we were here so much,” I looked over at my Wife, “Why did you bring me here?” I asked.

She took the key out of the ignition then smiled, “I want to pick our baby’s name out here,” She insisted before climbing out of the car with the book and the keys.

I silently watched her close the door then walk over into the playground and sit down on a swing. Licking my lips, I followed suite and climbed out of the car before joining Kodie at the swings. “I’ve always liked the name Carter but I don’t think that really goes with Barakat, do you?” She asked me, “Carter Barakat … it doesn’t really fit.”

“No, it doesn’t.” I agreed as I sat down on the empty swing next to hers and stared up at the starry night sky.

“Bronson,” She muttered, “Bronson Barakat.”

I shook my head, “No,”

“Scotty?”

“No,”

“How about Dylan?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “No,” I exhaled slowly then looked over at her, “I like the name Logan.”

“I knew a Logan, he was a foster kid like me, he was a total obnoxious jerk …”

“Ok, not Logan,” I laughed, “Grant, Jacob, Michael, Kendall, Heath, Lucas…”

“Stop, what was that name?” She asked as she looked at me.

“Lucas?”

“No, before that.”

“Heath … Kendall.”

“Kendall,” She nodded her head with a cute smile, “Kendall Barakat, granted Kendall is usually a girl’s name but it’s a boy name too and I like it.” She smiled more.

“Kendall,” I agreed, liking the name as well.

“He needs a middle name too,” Kodie pointed out, “Liam?” She wondered, “It’s a cliché middle name but it fits and I’ve always really liked that name, Liam.”

“Kendall Liam Barakat.” I whispered, “I like it,” I reached over and placed my hand on her belly, “So, it’s confirmed, Kendall Liam it is.”

“Kendall Liam,” She mocked then closed her baby name book, “We didn’t even need the book that was a waste of twenty bucks.”

“We’ll save it for future babies,” I insisted, “And who knows, maybe Alex and Elizabeth will need to borrow it sooner or later.” I teased.

“Maybe,” Kodie agreed with a laugh before she looked up at the sky, “I love it here, Babe, if we can’t raise our babies here, I at least want to start saving money so our grandbabies will be able to visit us here.”

“One day,” I said once again, wanting to move Kodie here but not being able to, not right now at least but one day we’ll call this place our home.

Standing to her feet, Kodie stretched a little bit then let out a soft sigh, “Let’s go home, I’m starting to get tired and I need to pee.”

I hopped off of the swing then took Kodie’s face between my hands, “I promise you, one day,” I whispered and kissed her lips, “But our house right now will just have to do.”

“I’m fine, right where I’m at,” She assured me, “We all have dreams, Jack, this is just mine, that’s all.”

“Dreams come true,” I pointed out, “Just look at me.”

“Well, we have our whole lives to make this one come true, I’m no rush.” She insisted but I could see it in her eyes that she kind of was. She wants one house and one house only to be ours for the rest of our lives. I know that sounds overwhelming but she bounced around from house to house for so long that she doesn’t want that anymore, she absolutely hates moving and she doesn’t want our kids to know what that’s like. She wants a ‘forever home’ and she wants that home to be in this neighborhood, the neighborhood I had forgotten about but now that I’ve been reminded, I’m going to work my ass off to be able to buy a house here so I can make at least one of her dreams come true.

“I love you, Kodie.”

“I love you,” She mocked with a cute smile, “But we really need to go, I really have to pee and I may end up wetting myself.”

I rolled my eyes then nodded as we walked back to the car hand in hand. This will be ours …

One day.