Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

Pacing the length of the tour bus, I inhaled deeply then exhaled with an exaggerated sigh all while constantly adjusting then readjusting the fitted hat upon my head. The hot summer sun beat down upon me in an unforgiving manner and I’m pretty sure the black top pavement is so hot it’s melting the rubber soles of my nearly worn out Nike’s.

This morning my phone woke me up out of an alcohol induced slumber and when I answered, my Wife was calm as she informed that her water broke and she was going to take a shower, fix her hair and maybe even put on a little make-up before going to the hospital. She was relaxed but as she told me that news, my heart started to race within my chest, my breathing became short and I started to sweat like a pig; I had an anxiety attack.

I told her to skip the shower and the hair and make-up to get to the hospital, the doctors didn’t need her all dolled up to deliver Kendall and Kendall sure as hell wouldn’t know the difference. Kodie just snapped at me that she knew what she was doing and that she’d call me when she arrived at the hospital. Since then, she’s called me five different times, the labor is going along as text book as it could get and everyone is fairly relaxed, except for myself.

I haven't ever been through this before, when Kodie had JJ, I had no idea until after he was delivered. This time, however, I’m freaking out, I should be there with my Wife as she gives birth to our baby boy, I should be there to help welcome him to the world but instead, I’m in some hot parking lot at some amphitheater in small town USA , sweating profusely from the sun and currently hating life.

“Yeah, I’m lookin’ at him,” I heard Alex say from behind me, causing me to stop my pacing to look over at him. He nodded his head as he listened to whoever it was on the other end before he smiled a bit, “Hold on, I’ll tell him,” He said into the phone before holding it away from his ear a bit, “Kodie says she’s not going to call you again until after Kendall is born if you’re going to continue to freak out. She said she doesn’t need your whiney complaints, you’re not the one in labor, you’re a pussy and man up.”

I frowned as I pointed to his phone, “Is that my Wife?” I snapped.

He nodded a little, “Yes,” He answered hesitantly and before he could react to me, I lunged forward and grabbed his phone from him.

“Kodie!?” I snapped with frustration, “Really? You don’t want to talk to me?”

“No!” She snapped back, “I don’t you’re freaking out about nothing, Jack, I’m completely fine, Kendall is on his way and completely healthy. I don’t need you having panic attacks over the phone and adding stress to this already somewhat stressful time. I’m a big girl, Jack, I’ve been through this before and I can handle it, I promise.”

I eyed Alex before frowning at him and walking away with his phone to have some privacy, “I’m just … scared.” I admitted.

“We’re fine, Jack,” Kodie assured with a comforting voice, “And as for you not being here, this isn’t the last baby we’ll have and Elizabeth is recording it for you, in fact, she’s recording me right now.”

“I know this isn't the last baby, but it’s our first.” I mumbled, “You have a child already, and I do think of JJ as my own but I haven't had this experience firsthand like you have, cut me some slack, would you?”

There was silence on the other end for a good minute or so before Kodie spoke softly, “I love you, Barakat,” She said simply, “And I know this is hard on you, but we’ve been through this before, you’re there doing your job, living your dream, I don’t always need you to hold my hand even if I do want you to, I’ve got this handled here. I have the entire waiting room on the maternity floor taken up with friends and family, it’s like Kendall is the only baby being born right now, you should see it, it’s pretty crazy.” She laughed cutely, “I’m going to call you as soon as I can after Kendall is born because honestly the contractions are getting worse and I don’t feel like talking on the phone but Elizabeth promised she’d call you during the labor so you can hear Kendall’s first cry and my screams of agony that you’ve caused me." She teased, “Ok?”

“Ok,” I confirmed as I sighed, “I love you, I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” She replied, “Now I’m going to get off of here because I feel a contraction coming on and it’s going to hurt like a bitch. So I love you and the next time we talk, we’ll be parents. Be good, Barakat.” She demanded before the line went dead, indicating she had hung up on me.

Turning around to hand Alex his phone back, I jumped slightly to see that he was only about three feet away from me, “She’s in a very good mood for someone who’s about to push an eight pound baby out of her body through a hole that’s only ten centimeters big, that can’t feel good at all.” He reached over and took his phone from me, “Calm down, let’s play a show and sign some stuff for fans. I know it’s hard not to be there but you’ll see him as soon as he’s born because you know my lady is going to document this like it’s a fucking national event,” He joked, “And you’ll hold him soon enough, when he get old enough, he’ll understand,”

“How can you be so calm?” I asked him, knowing that Kodie is his best friend, even before me or any of the guys, he’d rather spend a day hanging out with Kodie than us if given the chance.

“Because, Kodie’s strong, she’s healthy and she’s been through this before. If something was wrong, the doctor would have already known about it, Kendall is fine, Kodie is fine, there are a lot of people there for her right now, she’s in good hands.” He shrugged, “My Godson will be just fine,” He assured. Before we left on tour, Kodie and I talked about who would be Kendall’s Godparents and since Alex and Elizabeth are already JJ’s Godparents, we figured they could be Kendall’s as well, plus Kodie already made it very clear that any kids that we have, Alex will be their Godfather, there was no debating, meaning if we ever die, Alex gets our kids and part custody of JJ.

“He’s going to be fine,” I agreed softly.

“Yeah,” Alex confirmed then reached over and pushed my shoulder playfully, “C’mon, let’s go have a beer to get you loosened up and we’ll get your mind off of everything, for a little bit at least.”

I nodded then followed him onto the bus to have a beer but I my mind is still back in Baltimore with Kodie.

I wish I was there.

------------------------

“He’s tiny,” JJ pointed out the obvious while looking at his new little Brother, “And he has black hair,” He went on.

“Jack’s his Daddy, of course he has black hair,” I smiled before caressing Kendall’s face slowly, “Rian’s your Daddy and you have the same color hair he does.” I pointed out while looking at my oldest Son.

He nodded his head, “Yeah,” He agreed while reaching up and running his hand over the top of his head, “So, can we take him home now?” JJ wondered, “Put him in his room and let him sleep?”

I laughed at him then shook my head, “We’re not leaving for a day or two,” I assured, “Are you having a fun time with Auntie Elizabeth?” I asked, since Elizabeth is at the house watching JJ and doing the last minute things I couldn’t get to before Kendall and I get home.

“Yes,” He answered me before lightly touching Kendall’s balled up fist, “Can I hold him?”

“No, not right now,” I said softly, “Maybe in a few days,”

“Oh, cause he’s too small?”

“Yes,” I confirmed then I leaned over and kissed JJ’s cheek, “I still love lots, you know that?” I questioned, “Just because Kendall is here doesn’t mean I love you any less.”

“I know,” He smiled, “I still love you lots, too.”

“Well, that’s good to know…”

“And I love Kendall lots too.” He nodded his head before leaning down and gently kissing the day old infant’s forehead.

“Oh, well, we’ll see if you’re still saying that the first time he steals your girlfriend from you or takes something without asking,” I teased but JJ didn’t understand the humor in what I just said so he made a face and slid off of my bed and walked to the window so he could look out.

Turning my attention down to Kendall, I admired him and felt an overwhelming urge to cry. While I was in labor and giving birth, I didn’t want Jack, I didn’t need Jack. I had been through labor and delivery before, I knew what I was doing but now that Kendall is here, I find myself needing Jack. I didn’t have Rian after I had JJ and it broke my heart and now that same heartache is back. I didn’t think I’d feel this way again because I know Jack wants to be here but he can’t be.

“Hey buddy, don’t do that,” I heard Elizabeth say as she walked into the room and it was then I put my attention back on my oldest to see that he had been messing with the blinds.

“Justin Jon, behave.” I ordered and the little boy turned around to me before sitting down on the chair next to the window with an innocent face.

“How are you feelin’ Mama?” Elizabeth wondered.

“I miss Jack,” I admitted while she carefully took Kendall from me arms, “I feel so alone, like I did after I had JJ.”

Elizabeth studied me before turning her eyes down to Kendall, “Well, when you had JJ none of us were really excited,” She admitted, “But then again you have to remember the whole situation, we weren’t mad but we were stoked either.”

I nodded, agreeing with her. When I had JJ no one was talking to me, not even Alex, it wasn’t until a few weeks later that Rian and Alex finally came over to see JJ that we talked but they seemed like the only ones who really forgave me. Zack couldn’t have cared less, he’s never really liked me but he doesn’t dislike me either, Jack and I weren’t on speaking terms not because I had gotten pregnant but because our personal relationship was being tested. Elizabeth was just angry because I didn’t come to her with my problems, she’s the only person close enough to me to be considered a Sister and she was hurt.

“But you’re not alone,” She reminded me, “You have Jack’s family, you have your family, you have Jack and you have me, duh.”

“What about Alex and Rian?”

She made a face a the sound of Alex’s name, “I’m currently not speaking to Gaskarth and rumor has it that Rian is sort of bummed out about the situation.”

“Bummed out?” I asked, ignoring the comment about her not speaking to Alex.

She shrugged her shoulders, “I think it’s not the fact that you had Kendall or that you’re married to Jack, I think it’s just hard on him I guess,” She frowned, “You two have a connection that none of us truly understand, you two love each other and there’s no denying it but it’s not a love like you and Alex have or you and Jack have, it’s … different.”

“He’s my Son’s Father, of course I love him,” I pointed out, “Plus, he’s one of my best friends.”

Elizabeth turned her bright hazel eyes towards me, “it’s not that,” She smiled, “It’s hard to explain, you don’t see it because … you just don’t but everyone does, even Jack.” Shaking her head, Elizabeth clearly didn’t want to talk about this much, “I think he just needs to get himself a good girlfriend and move on, move forward with his life. He needs a good girl.”

“He does,” I agreed.

“So, you’re coming home tomorrow and Jordan and I have pretty much fixed up the nursery the way you told us too. I made JJ clean his room and the rest of the house is clean and I had no idea how many shoes and hats Jack had, I thought Alex was bad.”

I rolled my eyes, “He’s a pack rat when it comes to shoes and hats, a lot of those hats he’s had for a long time,” I pointed out as I adjusted myself in bed, “How come none of my kids look like me?” I frowned.

“Because, they’re boys,” She smirked, “And let’s face it, Jack’s genes will over-power yours every time, I bet.” She nodded, “JJ looked a lot like you when he was little but as he gets older he’s looking more and more like a spitting image of Rian.”

“I think I’m ready for Jack to come home,” I muttered, completely off subject.

“Soon,” Elizabeth muttered as she laid Kendall back in my arms, “Ok, I have to get outta here, I have few errands I need to run before I head to my parent’s house for dinner,” She turned to JJ, “C’mon Buddy, let’s get going, tell your Mother you love her.”

JJ walked back to the bed and climbed up with me before kissing my cheek, “Love you,”

“Love you, too.” I whispered with a smile, “Be good,” I demanded.

He nodded his head then slid off of the bed and took Elizabeth’s hand. He waved at me cutely while Elizabeth said her goodbyes and left my room. I turned my attention down to Kendall and smiled, “It’s just you and me again, little man,” I whispered to him, “You’re going to like your Daddy, he’s crazy and funny but he’s a big cuddle bug.” I mumbled then fell silent while watching Kendall sleep.

I can’t wait until Jack gets home.