Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

“Can we talk?” I heard the sound of Joel’s voice echo through my quiet bedroom.

Glancing over my shoulder, I studied the eldest Cryer then nodded my head, silently letting him know that I agreed. I’ve been home from the hospital a mere twenty-four hours and I’ve seen everyone under the sun, I have more gifts, for not only Kendall but myself as well, than I know what to do with. Yet, I still managed to slip into this weird funk, I put on my happy face for relatives but deep down I’m hurting and I don’t know why, maybe if I finally listen to Joel and forgive him this pain will ease up, just a little.

“Jordan called me,” He sat down on the edge of the bed about two feet from me, “He said you don’t come out of your room, you hardly eat or talk … he said it was high school all over again.”

I shrugged my shoulders before focusing my eyes upon the crib that Kendall is currently sleeping soundly in.

“You know, post-partum depression isn’t your fault, it happens to the best of people.”

“I don’t think it’s post-partum,” I admitted truthfully, I had post-partum depression after I had JJ, I know what it feels like. This is more of me being bummed out because my Husband and best friend aren’t here, I haven't talked to my Brother in months and maybe the death of my birth Mother still has me a bit tore up inside, I’m not made of stone, no matter how hard I try to convince people I am.

“Ok, then what’s wrong?” Joel whispered, “You can’t blame us for worrying, you’re known for having depression and not just post-partum.”

“I miss Jack, I miss Alex … I miss all the guys, even Zack and the two of us hardly ever talk,” I mumbled, “And I still haven’t gotten over the way you hurt Jack,” I looked over at my Brother, finally, “You have no idea how much that fucked with me, yeah he was the one that was physically hurt but it hurt me emotionally, more than anyone will ever know, Jack is the only one who truly gets it and even he doesn’t fully comprehend.”

“I know I hurt you,” Joel nodded his head, “I’ve been paying for it for the last few months as well,” He pointed out, “I don’t know if Jack and I will ever be ok because there are certain things I blame him for and yeah those things may have been your fault but Jack just didn’t even try,” He inhaled deeply, “He wasn’t the one who had to hear you cry yourself to sleep every night after you had JJ, even before you delivered him you were a mess.”

“No, he wasn’t there to hear those tears but he’s always been there for me, Joel, all I had to do was pick up a phone and call him and he would’ve came to my rescue, it truly was my fault, I needed to learn to live without him and I learned and I did well, I was fine without him.”

“I’ll never get it,” Joel admitted, “But I really am sorry for what I did to Jack and how I hurt you, it was immature and stupid. All I can do is keep apologizing, Kodie, that’s all I can do until you’re ready to forgive.”

I turned my eyes from him and focused back on the crib, “I forgive you,” I whispered honestly, “Having Kendall opened my eyes, life is too precious to take for granted.”

Leaning over, Joel pressed his lips to my temple softly then backed away slowly, “So, was that it?” He asked me, “Is this the reason you’re so down and out?”

“No,” I shook my head, even after forgiving him I still don’t feel better, “I think this is a matter for Alexander,” I said truthfully, “A girl needs her best friend at a time like this.”

“I thought Elizabeth is your best friend?” Joel wondered.

“Best girl friend,” I corrected, “She’s like the Sister I never had,” I smiled as I thought of Alex’s girlfriend, “But Alex,” I mumbled, “He’s my best friend, I can go to him for anything and everything,”

“I thought that was Jack?” Joel smiled.

I sighed a lovesick sigh at the thought of my Husband, “No,” I shook my head, “Jack is so much more than a best friend,” I whispered then I turned my eyes back to my Brother, “We share custody of Alex,” I smirked playfully, “When they’re on tour, he’s Jack’s, when they’re home he’s mine.” I running my fingers through my hair, I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know, I guess I just miss my boys, that’s all. And this is taking its toll on JJ too,” I whispered, “He’s wants his Daddy, he wants his Jack and his Uncle Alex and his Uncle Zack. He knows they’re working but he’s also a five year old little boy who hasn’t wrapped his head around what his Father, Step-father and ‘Uncles’ do for a living.”

“You know what, Kodie?”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t think that this has anything to do with post-partum, I think you just miss your Husband and just because you miss him doesn’t mean you need to stop eating and talking, that’s not healthy by any means.” He paused, “How would Jack feel if he knew about this?”

“He knows,” I informed my Brother, “I’m currently ignoring his calls for the time being because he’s being pissy with me, I don’t like to deal with him when he’s pissy and on tour unless I’m there with him.”

“Ignoring your Husband, that’s a solution.” Joel growled sarcastically.

“It is,” I confirmed then just as I finished those two simple words, Kendall whined a helpless cry from within his crib. Standing to my feet, I walked the few feet to get to the crib then scooped the infant up effortlessly.

“I haven't been able to meet him yet,” Joel pointed out.

“Well,” I handed the baby that looks everything like his Father over to Joel and smiled, “Meet him and his dirty diaper that you can change for me,” I insisted.

Joel made a face, “Really?”

“You changed JJ like a pro when he was a baby, time to put your rusty skills to good use once more.”

Joel stood up and smiled, “Only because you forgave me,” He said jokingly.

“Just be careful with him,” I warned, just because I’ve been through this before doesn’t mean I’m anymore less protective of Kendall than I was with JJ I’m just a bit more laid back this time around, that’s all.

“No, I’m going to throw him across the room for fun,” Joel mumbled as he left my room, leaving the door open.

Sitting back down on the bed, I laid back and stared up at my ceiling tiredly, wishing that these next few weeks would just be over and done with. I miss my Husband terribly.

--------------------

Unlocking the front door quietly, I pushed the door open and grabbed my bags before stumbling in but I managed to stay on my feet, thankfully. Once inside the dim lighted house, I shut and lock the door and went to walk down the hall towards the nursery but was stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Kodie dressed in nothing but a t-shirt, holding our baby in her arms with a clueless look upon her face, “What are you doing?” She asked bluntly.

“Um, I was going to go meet my Son,” I answered her simply, “Then say hello to my Wife but apparently you two beat me to it.”

Narrowing her eyes on me skeptically, she pointed to the door simply, “Get out,” She ordered, “If you’re only here for a night or two, get out I cannot handle a night or two right now.”

“I’m home for three weeks, I dropped off the rest of the tour, various people are going to fill in for me for the remaining week then we have two weeks off before the next tour, I’m home.”

“Ok,” Kodie nodded her head a little bit then walked over to me, “Here’s your baby Daddy, he won’t fall asleep and I was going to go get a bowl of cereal because I’m hungry.”

I carefully took Kendall out of Kodie’s arms and held him close. He’s only been home a day, alive for a mere four days but it already seems like I’ve missed a lifetimes worth of important moments in his few short days. Staring up at me with dark brown eyes, the little baby looked mostly like me but I can see a subtle resemblance to his Mother in his face. Finally, after four days of straight worrying and not being able to sleep, a peaceful calm fell over my body and for the first time since his birth, I’m truly happy.

Lightly, I felt Kodie’s hands on my cheeks pulling me from my thoughts and causing me to look at her. She gave me a look that I know all too well, a look telling me that she’s been dancing on the edge of a break down, “I’m home,” Was all I said before I pressed my lips to my Wife’s, kissing her passionately.

After a few moments, Kodie was the one to back away first, “Good,” She whispered with a nod of her head then she lightly pressed her lips to Kendall’s cheek before walking away to the kitchen without another word said.

Walking over to the couch, I sat down and held Kendall closely before caressing his soft face. Looking at me once more, he made a few coos and moved his hands around. I smiled down at him, “I love you,” I whispered to him.

“Jack!?” I heard JJ wail but his voice still held a sleepy sound to it, “You’re home!?”

I looked up and smiled at the five year old, “I’m home,” I confirmed as he hurried over to me and carefully climbed up next to me and wrapped his arms around my neck tightly. I laughed as I wrapped my free arm around his body and kissed my cheek, “How come you’re not asleep?” I questioned.

He pulled away from me just a bit and shrugged with a mischievous grin, just because he has a new Brother doesn’t mean that he’s going to stop being a five year old and be a perfect angel, “I was watching toons.”

“Does Mama know?”

“Yeah, she was watching with me,” He admitted then he pointed to Kendall, “Kendall was too,” He grinned then leaned down and kissed his Brother on the forehead.

“Oh, ok,” I laughed as I gave him another hug then looked towards the kitchen, “Mama, your oldest is up and running around,” I called out.

“Not my problem, Daddy is home and I get a break until Kendall needs to be fed,” She walked out of the kitchen with her bowl of cereal, “You can handle the restless boys,” Kodie nodded her head before grabbing the TV remote from the coffee table and turned the TV on, “JJ … Baby watch toons out here with Jack,” She ordered to the little Dawson while finding the channel that they were watching together, once she found it, she smiled gently and placed the remote down, “Good night, I love all three of you.”

“Loves you, too.” JJ replied as he looked at the TV with wide eyes.

“Babe,” I said to her simply.

She looked at me and smiled, “I love you, Barakat.”

“I love you, too.” I replied, “Sleep good,”

“I’ll probably be back out in an hour,” She admitted then walked away.

I laughed to myself then I looked at JJ, “You need to lay down,” I ordered, “It’s late and you need to try and sleep, ok?”

“Ok,” JJ agreed as he laid down on the rest of the couch but kept his attention on the TV. I shook my head knowing that JJ will be hell to deal with tomorrow because he’s wide awake at two in the morning but I have to admit, it feels damn good to finally be home with my boys and my Wife.