Everything I Do Is Empty Without You

“You know what, Joel never hints that he wants kids, ever, but when I see him with JJ I can’t help but think he’d be the best Dad.” Kayla, Joel’s girlfriend, said softly as she sat down next to me on the front porch swing.

I glanced over at her then back at JJ who was throwing a football around with Joel and Jordan, “Yeah,” I agreed, “He’s great with JJ.”

“He adores him, he’s so excited that you two are moving in with him.”

I looked back at Kayla and frowned, “You two don’t live together anymore?”

“No,” She shook her head, “No, I moved in with my cousin who is the same age as you but she’s a party girl, my Aunt wanted me to spy on her, so I moved out of Joel’s house, just for the time being, half of my shit is still there to be honest.”

I smiled then it faded when I thought about what she just said about how her cousin is the same age as me but is a party girl. Is it possible that I’ve robbed myself these experience’s other girls my age are having? And if I have, am I really missing anything that amazing? Sure, there’s the crazy parties and the booze, but honestly, is it really worth it? While they’re out doing God knows what, I’m raising the greatest little boy I’ve ever seen, I’m making precious moments that can’t be replaced all while building a stable career. Do I really need to be out partying?

Loudly, a car door being shut snapped me from my thoughts, causing me to look up and across the lawn only to see that Rian had just pulled up and had gotten out of his car. Slowly, Rian walked up the driveway with a small smile glued to his face.

“Is that Jack?” Kayla asked, never having seen any of the guys because they’re always out of town when she visits with Joel.

“No, that’s Rian,” I answered, “JJ’s Dad.”

Kayla smiled, “I should’ve known, they have the same smile.”

“They do.” I agreed then I stood up, making my way over to Rian, “Hey,” I greeted, “This is a pleasant surprise.”

Rian gave me a gentle smile then nodded his head, “Yeah,” He rubbed the back of his neck then he looked at JJ who hasn’t even stopped to say hello to his Father, “I wanted to talk to you,” He mumbled, “Since I didn’t get to yesterday morning when you picked JJ up,”

“Is this about him not wanting to stay longer?” I muttered, “Because honestly Rian, you can’t blame him he hardly knows you, you barely call when you’re out on the road and I know you’re busy doing this and that and I understand but he’s four, he doesn’t get it.”

“I know,” Rian nodded then he cleared his throat, “I understand that he doesn’t get it and that has nothing to do with why I’m here, I know I need to spend time with him and call him more, I’m trying.”

“I know, I saw his room.”

Rian’s eyes lit up as he looked at me, “Took me forever to get it done,” He blushed, “I did it myself, painting and everything, I wanted to make it feel like home because it is his home, that is his room, I want him to love it and feel safe.”

“He does love it,” I assured then I looked over at JJ, “Justin Jon,” I said sternly, “Get your butt over here and say hi to your Dad, please.” I demanded.

JJ looked over at me then walked over, stopping in front of Rian. Looking up into Rian’s eyes he smiled cutely, “Are we going for ice cream now?” He asked as his smile turned into a grin while he waited for an answer.

Rian looked over at me then down at our son before kneeling down, “I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go wash up, maybe put a clean shirt on then we’ll go have whatever you want for dinner then ice cream, how about that?” Rian questioned, “I just need to talk to Mama for one minute, deal?”

JJ nodded then threw his arms around Rian, hugging him tightly before running over to Joel, grabbing his hand, “C’mon, help me pick a shirt.” He ordered.

“Justin!” I snapped once more, “How about you ask Uncle Joel to help you, not order.”

JJ looked at me once more then sighed, “Can you please help me?”

“Yeah,” Joel laughed as he let JJ lead the way.

“I swear, that boy can be so rude sometimes.” I shook my head then I looked at Rian, “What do you need to talk about?”

“JJ,” He answered, “He’s starting school next year, and I know it’s a long ways off but I know that public schools over in the Bay area of California can be …” He wrinkled his face, “Not safe?” He questioned then he shook his head, “What I’m trying to say is things are different out there, quicker I guess, than they are here, people are different and I would like it if we could get JJ into a decent private school.”

I smiled, “I was already looking into it, I have a few school tours set up for when I move out there, to check things out.”

“And, I know this may sound awkward and I don’t want to tell you how to live your life or even how to raise our son because you’re doing an amazing job but if you get really serious with a guy, and I mean truly serious, do you mind if I meet him before you really bring him into JJ life?” He mumbled the last part, “I just … I’m not around a lot, I know that it’s my fault but I love that kid with all of my heart, he’s my son, and I don’t want some guy to come in a replace me when I have no fighting chance, you know?”

I made a sad face then nodded, “Trust me, if I get that serious with a guy I will make it extremely clear that he is to treat JJ with love and respect but he can’t try and replace you or act like ‘daddy’ you know?” I muttered, “Rian, you’re a great Dad, clueless sometimes but amazing nonetheless. The only reason I would take JJ out of your life is if you did something to danger his life or well being.”

“Never,” Rian assured with a nod of his head then he paused for a second, “And Jack,” He started.

I frowned but said nothing at the sound of Jack’s name.

“Go easy on him, ok?” He questioned, “The guy still loves you.”

Eyeing Rian simply, I said nothing more on the subject, “If you can manage it, try to get JJ to stay with you tonight, he may be so caught up in having a good time he wont even notice.” I assured, “Obviously he loves football, he also really loves Disney movies right now, not Bambi or Fox and the Hound but he really loves Peter Pan.” I smiled, “Just a few tips.” I wrinkled my nose, “Also, before bed he likes to have a warm glass of chocolate milk.”

“Really?” Rian made a face, “Warm chocolate milk?”

“Yeah, I don’t know, Jordan gave him that habit but it calms him down and gets him ready for bed.” I shrugged, “So I give him a small glass.”

“Ok,” Rian nodded, “I have some of his clothes over at my place, so I’ll bring him by in the morning.”

“Ok,” I agreed just as JJ came flying out of the house with a clean shirt on, “Ready!” He squealed as he ran to Rian with his arms wide open.

Rian caught the little boy then lifted him with ease, “Alright, tell Mama good bye.” He ordered.

I leaned over and kissed JJ softly, “Have fun,” I demanded.

“I will,” He grinned, “Loves you.”

“I love you, too.” I replied, “And be good.”

JJ gave me another wide smile then wrapped an arm around Rian’s neck as he looked over at Rian’s car, “Do you need to eat dinner?” He asked.

Rian laughed as he walked away, “You bet we need to eat dinner,”

“Can I get Chicken nuggets?”

“Of course,” Rian agreed as he helped JJ into his seat. I watched them until Rian had driven away from the house. Once they were out of sight, I went inside and saw that Joel sitting on the couch waiting ESPN with our Dad.

“Is he gone for the night or just the evening?” Joel asked.

“I don’t know yet, I told Rian that if he could manage it to have JJ spend the night with him but I don’t know.” I shrugged, “He may end up coming home tonight.” I sat down next to Joel, “How come he hasn’t called?”

“Who?” My Dad questioned.

“Jack,” Joel answered for me but never looked away from the TV.

“Barakat,” My Dad mumbled with a bit of a frown, “He said he’d call you?”

“Yeah, well I told him to call me but he hasn’t. I would’ve assumed that he would want to go to dinner sooner rather than later.”

“Well, he did just get home.” Jordan butted in as he walked in from what looked like the kitchen, “Maybe he had plans with his family.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I whispered, “Or maybe he just changed his mind about everything.”

All three guys looked at me at the same time with an identical look upon their faces, “If that’s the case and I find out about it …” Jordan grumbled, “Let’s just say I hope the kid has decent health insurance.”

“Oh shut up,” I demanded as I stood to my feet, “You wouldn’t lay a finger on Jack because if you do, I’d never talk to you again and you know it.” I said sternly, staring at Jordan, who is definitely the most protective over me.

Jordan smiled, “Who said I’d be the one hurting him?” He challenged.

“Yeah, Jordan does have a point.” Joel muttered simply before looking back at the TV.

“You two are unbelievable.” I insisted then left the living room, making my way upstairs to take a long, hot shower. Hopefully when I get out I’ll get some sort of phone call from Jack, he knows I hate to be left waiting.

******************

Pulling up to Kodie’s house, I put my car into park then glanced up at the two story house knowing that all three of her brothers were home as well as her father. She may be adopted but you’d swear by the way they protect her that she was blood, and that’s a great thing, for Kodie’s sake, for mine, not so much.

I have never been on Coach Cryer’s good side, I had him for a PE teacher one year and we always clashed heads. It was my freshman year actually, before they took Kodie in as a foster child. If I had known that he’d be Kodie’s future Father, I would’ve tried a little bit harder but how was I supposed to know?

Slowly, I watched another, unfamiliar car pull up just behind my car. Raising my eyebrow slightly, I pushed my door open then climbed out. As I shut my car door, I glanced back at the other car only to see a pretty woman sitting behind the wheel. She didn’t look much older than me and her brown hair was pulled back.

“Barakat!” I heard the Coach growl at me.

Snapping my head towards the garage, I saw that it was open, it wasn’t when I pulled up, “H-H-Hey Coach,” I stuttered nervously as I adjusted my hat then made my way up the driveway, but my mind didn’t completely forget about the woman parked behind my car.

“When one says they’ll call, they usually call.” He said simply as I reached him.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “I know, but she’s changed her cell phone number since the last time I called it and I couldn’t get a hold of any of the guys for it.” I informed him truthfully.

“House phone number hasn’t changed,” He pointed out.

I lowered my head but I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t want to call the house phone for fear someone other than Kodie would pick up.

“Who’s your friend?” He questioned.

I looked back at the girl then shrugged, “I don’t know who she is, she just pulled up.”

“Hmmm,” He let out a loud sigh, “Well, Kodie just got into the shower, while you wait for her do me a favor and go find out who she is before you come in.” He insisted then he walked away, entering the house through the garage door.

Wrinkling my nose, I looked over at the girl who was now standing outside of her car, “Here goes nothing,” I mumbled to myself before I made my way over to her, “Hey,” I greeted politely.

The pretty girl looked at me with green eyes and suddenly my heart quickened when I saw who she resembled, “Hi,” She replied softly and shyly.

Staring at her, I knew for a fact who she was even though I’ve never seen her before in my life. I knew exactly who she was and that scared me, “Can I help you?” I questioned.

She looked up at the beautiful house then back at me, “Yeah, I’m looking for a Kodie Benson.” She informed me, “This is her last known address and I was hoping she might still be here.”

I narrowed my eyes on her, “Who are you?” I frowned.

“Claire Benson,” She paused, “Her sister.”

I shook my head then pointed to her car, “Go,” I ordered sternly, knowing that Kodie may be in a really good place in her life right now but she sure as hell isn’t ready for this, not yet. If she wants to find her family, or what’s left of it, then she would.

“Excuse me?” Claire frowned, “Who are you?”

“A friend,” I said simply then I pointed to her car again, “You need to leave, now.”

“Hey!” Trent’s voice echoed from the porch, “Barakat who’s your lady friend?” He added.

I looked up at middle Cryer brother as he cut across the lawn and came to a stop next to me. He eyed Claire for a moment before looking at me, “Do you think this is funny?” he asked me, having noticed the resemblance as well.

“I didn’t bring her,” I informed him honestly, “I was just telling her to leave.”

Trent nodded his head then he looked at the girl, “Yeah, you need to leave.”

“You don’t even know me,”

“No, I don’t know you nor do I want to know you, you need to leave before—“

“Jack? Trent?” I heard Kodie’s voice mumble from behind me then I felt her soft hand gently push me aside as she appeared between myself and her brother, “What’s going—“ She stopped herself mid sentence as she stared over at her sister whom she hasn’t seen since she was four. Suddenly I saw the familiar sad little girl in Kodie’s eyes that I had once known back in Kindergarten.

“Kodie,” Claire smiled softly.

Kodie said nothing, she just stood there her face losing its color while her damp hair fell down effortlessly around her shoulders. Her green eyes weren’t bright like they are normally but instead a dark green, the same color green they always are when she’s depressed, sad or simply miserable.

“It’s me, Claire.”

Kodie shook her head slowly then she lowered her head and ran off without a single word to be said. Running through the front door, slamming it shut as she did so. As soon as it was shut it flew back open, “Damnit, Barakat!” Jordan wailed, “I’m gonna rip your throat out!” He screamed, thinking I was at fault and to be honest, he has every right to think that, even if it’s not true.

“It’s not his fault,” Trent informed his younger brother then he turned back to the girl, “Leave, now.”

Claire seemed so confused, “What’s wrong with her, what have you done with my sister?”

“Us?” Trent asked coldly, “Get the fuck outta here, now.” He ordered, jumping to conclusions without even thinking that maybe Claire doesn’t know about what happened to Kodie, what Kodie had to witness as a little girl then having to grow up in the system labeled as ‘damaged goods’.

I went to say something but stopped myself before I even got the first word out. I cautiously made my exit from the conversation then I went into the house through the garage door. Knowing where Kodie’s room is, I climbed the stairs then found myself outside of her door. I know there isn’t a lock on the door but I knocked, hoping to gain approval from Kodie to enter before I just bust in.

“Go away,” She ordered.

Making a face, I shook my head then pushed the door open. Looking up at me, her face fell before she stared back down at her floor, “How did she find me?”

I shut the door behind me and shrugged, “Public records?” I mumbled, “I honestly have no idea,”

“Why would she come here?” Kodie looked up at me, “Seriously Jack, why?”

“I don’t know.” I answered as I sat down next to Kodie, “Maybe … maybe she doesn’t know.”

“How could she not know?” Kodie frowned.

“Maybe your Mom.’

“She is not my Mother,” Kodie growled lowly.

“Maybe…”

“Tina.”

“Maybe Tina hid it from Claire, sheltered her from the real truth.”

Shaking her head, Kodie didn’t believe it at all. Turning her head to me, she frowned deeply, “How come you didn’t call?”

“I don’t have your number and I couldn’t get it from the guys, so I came over.” I informed her without hesitation.

“For a second, I almost thought that you had really stopped …”

“I’ll never stop loving you,” I cut her off, “Ever,” I confirmed for extra measure.

“Such a stupid boy.” Kodie whispered.

“Such a head strong girl.” I forced a smile then let it fade without much thought.

She licked her lips she I saw a small tear fall from her eye, “I don’t understand.” She frowned, “I’ll never understand.”

“Maybe there isn’t anything to understand.”

“There’s always something.” Kodie assured then she looked back at me and I once again saw that little girl, so alone, so scared.

“You’re a Cryer,” I said sternly, “You have a wonderful family, they love you with all of their hearts and nothing and no one will ever change that. You belong now, you have a place and a home, nothing can take that from you.”

Kodie nodded, “But I can’t get rid of my past.”

“No one can, you just have to accept it then move on.” I whispered, “We all have skeletons, some people just have a few more than others.”

Kodie huffed then she lifted her hand, wiping her tears away then swallowed the lump in her throat, “Maybe tonight isn’t the best night for that dinner, yeah?”

“I think tonight is a perfect night for that dinner,” Coach Cryer said from the open door that neither one of us heard open. He walked in slowly then tugged Kodie to her feet before hugging her tightly, “She’s gone,” He whispered, “And she’s not coming back.” He added before pressing his lips to her forehead, “There’s no reason to be upset honey,” he insisted, “I know you’re confused but you have an amazing life now, don’t dwell on the past. It’s the past.”

Kodie nodded against his chest then she pushed away from him. He smiled down at her then wiped away her tears that were still falling, “I love you, we love you, you’re a Cryer and always will be.”

“I love you too.” Kodie whispered back then she looked over at me, “Give me fifteen minutes?” She asked.

“I’ll be downstairs.” I said softly as I stood to my feet then left the room. Once I was downstairs I saw that her three brothers were in the living room along with her Mother and another pretty girl that I didn’t know but I’m assuming her to be Joel’s girlfriend seeing as how she’s sitting on his lap.

“How is she?” Jordan questioned.

“Confused,” I answered as I stood there awkwardly, “For a moment, I think she was four years old again.”

Gasping softly, Kodie’s mother just shook her head and got up before hurrying up the stairs, most likely to Kodie’s room.

“What … what happened?” The nameless girl sitting on Joel’s lap asked, “I know she was adopted but what happened when she was four?”

The brothers looked around at one another then suddenly they all looked over at me, as if I should be the one to tell the girl what had happened to Kodie.

Sensing that I wasn’t going to say anything about it, Joel cleared his throat then sighed before speaking, “She saw her Dad murder her Uncle then kill himself.” Joel mumbled softly, “She came from a shitty family, deadbeat parents who didn’t give a damn about Kodie. Her real Dad was a drunk, her real Mother was a bi-polar manic depressive. She was an accident and they didn’t love her.”

“Oh my God,” The girl gasped with shock, “I never knew,”

“Yeah,” Trent agreed, “It’s not something we go around talking about.” He said harshly, clearly still pissed off by this entire situation which is surprising giving he’s the most level headed brother of the three, I rarely ever see him angry.

The girl lowered her head then she looked over at me, “You ‘re Jack?”

I nodded but said nothing.

“You knew her when … when it happened?”

“No, a year later we met.” I shrugged my shoulders then I pointed to the door, “Tell Kodie I’m outside when she comes down.” I said before leaving the house, not being able to handle the conversation anymore. That pretty girl may want to talk about it and want to know everything but she didn’t live through it, she didn’t have to help a little girl overcome her fear of the world like I did unknowingly when I just a little boy.

After today, I remember why I love Kodie so much and why I’ve never given up on her, I just wish I hadn’t stopped talking to her for four years, that’s my only regret. Not being there whenever she needed me. I have four years to make up for and hopefully this is a start of my long journey ahead.