Losing Yourself

Draco lay on his bed, staring unblinkingly at his ceiling. Eyes shut, he thought back to his discussion with Professor Snape, friend and godfather to him.

He sat as quiet as a man waiting for his nearing execution. Nobody spoke. All they could hear was the chattering of milling students from above.

“Malfoy,” his voice void of any emotion, Snape ordered his student to face him. Draco however felt it was unnecessary and continued staring very politely at the floor.

“Malfoy look at me,” still the boy dared not look up. His eyes fixed resolutely on the tiles. Snape silently cursed at the Slytherin’s pride and tried again, albeit it being less professional.

“Draco,” the voice was soft and soothing, a hint of care underlying its tone. The blond slowly, cautiously brought his head up and stared straight into those endless black eyes. He did not even try to occlude his mind. Snape would never perform Legilimency on an unwilling party.

Those dark eyes, they were still glazed and shrewd, yet a bit of love shone through them and that was enough. Draco inhaled a racking breath as though trying to rid the room of all oxygen and let loose. Tears spilled by the million down his cheek. His body shook at the impact of such emotion. He did nothing to hide his forever flowing tears and Snape showed nothing but compassion.

“The Dark Lord! He’s making me! I don’t want to! Severus please!” The last word was practically a shriek. Cupping his face, Draco all but sobbed into it. Severus stared at the boy, calculating and silent. His eyes were all but clouded over with understanding as he opened his mouth to speak.

“You were present in an… outing I believe.”

“He killed them! They were nothing more than common muggles but he killed them Severus!” the boy, so vulnerable and scared wailed in between his sobs. “He made them run, hide. He made them cower in their rooms, the whole bloody family. All four of them while he and those followers waited- ”

“His idea of fun-”

“They brought the father. He tried to fight all of us but he couldn’t. They were nothing compared to the Dark Lord. The father- they… they drained him. Deep gashes on the throat, thighs and arm. He screamed as they cut him and as he felt his life slip through his fingers. And the Death Eaters, they laughed- cackled like maniacs. Oh Merlin, I had to follow. I had to fake my laugh as I cringed because the Dark Lord, he stood next to me, the loudest among the dozen. And the girl, her name was Ella. They brought her out next. She cried for her father as he lay in a bloodless mess at her feet. And they forced her to. She was barely eight Severus! They made her carve her own name onto his chest. She had to gut her own father! She didn’t want to, screaming and crying but the Dark Lord. He- oh god, I can’t. The Dark Lord conjured a large metal cage. He dragged her in there with that menacing smile on his face and the dogs Severus! They fed her to the dogs! She was screaming so loudly! I heard her mother sobbing. I saw those beasts tore at her, limb after limb and her blood. I watch it spill from the bars but I did nothing; just like father! He was there and he participated. The boy, that brave boy. He walked towards his death, chest thrown out, face set with determination and they stripped him. He stood bare before them and they insulted him by giving him a muggle beating using bats and legs and cuffs. And I had to end his misery. He was bloody and weak curled up on the floor and I had to Severus! They made me smash his skull in. And as the crunching sound was made and I thought I’d have to sick up, the Dark Lord laughed. God, he rubbed his hands with glee and hooted like a crazed Quidditch fan. That boy was so brave Severus! He was more courageous than I was, I was a coward.”

“ You could have done nothing to prevent what happened- ”

“ Nothing! Severus I could have done everything! Ran away! Contacted the Ministry, Sacrificed myself but instead I watched in horror as six of the Death Eaters went up to where the mother was kept. They humiliated her in the worst way possible. They raped her Severus! I could have done something but instead, I just prayed. They took so long I almost thought she had died. But when they dragged her down, I readily wished she was. Lucius, he force-fed her the Hallucination Draught and then all of them took turns using Cruciatus. She had to face her worst nightmares while braving an Unforgivable. She screamed bloody murder so many times she went hoarse yet I did nothing! Just as the poison started to wear off, she caught sight of me. And she spoke. Voice low and soft, she spoke. ‘Dear boy, you are not a murderer. Help me’ and The Dark Lord, he joined in the cursing and in seconds, she had died. Her eyes, so blue stared at me in shock. I could never forget it Severus! At the end, when all of the Death Eaters were circling the body trying to etch it into their memories forever, the Dark Lord placed his lips so close to my ear, I could hear his breathing. He asked me if I could taste the power that night. Severus, I can’t do it!”

Severus stared at the boy with horror carved into his features. To be exposed to such brutality. It shook the unshakable master. It allowed him to feel remorse knowing that he participated in such events although reluctantly. To hear his crimes related in such a way. It disgusted him yet it made him thankful to be able to find the righteous path, or so to speak.

“That was why the Dark Lord dismissed me when I came to his service the night the mark burned. He knew I would stop him from bringing you along.” Draco nodded at his godfather’s statement to himself. Even recounting it made him wince. The memory was too powerful to forget.

He murmured trying to make a point. “Severus, please help me. I just… please. I don’t want to be the Death Eater’s son anymore. I just want to be Draco. Don’t let me be my father.”

“Draco, I can only help you so far. You have to understand; there is no grey. In a battle of survival the only colours of the world is black or white. Good or bad. Right or wrong.”

“But professor! I just! Strip me of my magic! I’ll be a squib-”

“Malfoy, you are half an hour late for your Arthimacy lesson. I suggest you take this,” Snape took a piece of parchment and charmed it to write a message which then rolled itself up to be tied into a bow. He handed it to Draco who took it without question “for your professor. I will talk to you soon but if I may ask,” Draco froze, half turned towards the door.

“Will you do anything to not fight with the Dark side?” The Slytherin’s shoulders slumped as though bearing the weight of the question. He gulped in mouthful of air. Turning back towards his teacher, he stated, voice tinted with a shade of embarrassment.

“I really don’t know,” and with that, Draco walked out closing the door softly behind him. Leaving, in his wake, the potions master questioning loyalties and will.

The dorm room burst open, with Blaise strutting in. He sat on his own bed and stared at his fellow Slytherin. Neither said a word but they knew what had happened and what was going to. The silent air crackled with tension as the dark-skinned, dark haired seventh year stared at the indifferent pale, blond Quidditch seeker. “You’re becoming one of them I suppose?”

“Why, ready to take my place if I don’t?”

“Malfoy, shite! I am just asking out of concern-”

“If you could use half your brain, you’d know Slytherins never show concern-”

“Not even to their fellow family? We, as a brethren? Malfoy, how many times have the Slytherins stood up for each other, wrong or right alike? Resolved troubles in their own ranks quietly?” Draco stayed quiet. The valid point and not-so-subtle hint was called for. Family always comes first. Narcissa had said that once. But now Blaise had spun a whole new different meaning onto the statement. Slytherin was his family. They were the ones who knew him far better than he could know himself by the sheer power of observation. These were the people who would stick by him, dark mark or not. But the question now was: was Draco willing to have to choose between blood or bond?

Nobody spoke at all. Vincent and Greg lumbered in a while later and soon, Theodore too. As they all got ready for bed, the casual chatter seemed forced as though treading on water. Blaise however, boasted that he was at the Gryffindor’s Golden Boy defeat in potions, felt that there might be a change in the undercurrents. A new alliance formed and he wanted to confirm it. His family was proof of those on the sidelines. Because of that, his loyalty wavered between Light and Dark searching for the one with the upper hand before declaring any sort of connection. And if Draco was adamant on not becoming a Death Eater, his only other safe way out of the war was through becoming a fighter of light.

Slytherins stick together no matter what.

The words became a mantra in the blond’s head. Would they stick together? Could the forces of the others, like family members, authority figures and persuasion break and infiltrate the tight understanding? Could all Slytherins claim to be a united clan or would they readily give the other up? That night, as Vincent’s habitual snores echoed around the room, almost melodiously; as Greg’s turning and shifting in his bed caused the posts to creak; as Theodore mumbled incoherently and as Blaise’s chest rose and sank to the beat of his calm breathing, Draco, for the first time in seven years, questioned the devotion of his fellow housemates.