Recurring Dreams of Minor Chords

Some nights were better than the others were. Some nights it hurt so badly, that nothing I did could make it go away. I tried so bad to just forget about it, to just let it go. But, it was not in my nature to forgive and forget easily.

I knew right from the start that it was not meant to be. It started just like a fairytale. Innocent, sweet and full of love for each other. It took me years to realize that something so beautiful and perfect like fairytale does not exist.

I did not bother to get up. I wanted to just lay in a mess of sheets and staled air, wallowing in self-pity and tears that would not stop running down my face. It was disgusting picture to see. A broken girl lying in her bed, while the silent words from old record player filled the room. I have not realized that it played the same song, over and over.

I rolled on the other side facing the wall. With a sigh, I closed my eyes.

"Victoria," I heard my name called from the back of the bus. I smiled, trying hard not to seem too happy. What we had was just ours and ours alone. To everyone else we were just friends. They did not need to know what was happening behind closed doors, and behind their backs.

I nodded my head to the conversation I was into, not really paying attention. My mind wondered to that room at the back of the bus. Soon, my feet followed and I found myself in arms of a man, griping tightly on his shoulders while his hot breath tickled down my neck.

His hands lowered down to the hem of my dress, pulling it lightly up, leaving the traces of goose bumps.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you," he whispered huskily in my ear, nibbling the sensitive skin behind it. I leaned my head back, giving him better access and closing my eyes in pure ecstasy. I tried saying something, but everything came out as a soft moan from my lips.

More tears came running down like a downpour from my eyes. I kicked the wall angrily and stood up. The night air was refreshing. From the balcony, I saw people walking down the streets, holding hands and laughing.

"Come here, I wanna show you something," he whispered taking my hand.

"The show is in ten minutes. What are you doing?" I protested, but followed him every step of the way. Just the feeling of his skin on mine made the butterflies in my stomach wanting to fly out to the freedom.

"Do you trust me?" He stopped and looked at me, placing his hands on both sides of my head. I closed my eyes and nodded my head. He pecked mu lips lightly, "Now come on, I wanna show you something."

We walked to the back of the building the venue was set up to. On the big, dark brick wall were writings of the kids. Kids in love. He took something from his pocked and began writing on the wall. I smiled at his childish antics and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"You are so immature sometimes," I said.

"Why? Because I want for the whole world to know that I'm in love?" he turned around in my arms and kissed me, wrapping his arms around my waist too. "Because I am in love with you Victoria."

One after another, cigarette stumps filled the ashtray, the ashes being blown away by the wind. Much like I wanted my feeling towards him to disappear.

"One day Vic. One day we will tell everybody about us," he assured me with his sweet words and addictive kisses.

Now I knew that it was all a lie. A beautiful lie that was supposed to make me his toy. He liked to play with my emotions, knowing all the way what they were and how strong they were. He never even bothered to return the favor. Not even having the common courtesy to tell me in person. He had to lie. I waited for too long, not wanting to believe the signs that were obvious. I wanted to live in a lie he told me. Because in it we were together.

I cried hard running away from that damned place. No one knew why I did it. They had their suspicions, but no one had the words to say it. It was raining, the cold droplets mixing with my tears. I gripped the coat around me tighter. At the time I wanted a friend, I needed a friend. But, he persuaded me not to tell anyone about us. He knew that I would be broken at the end, and that I would come back to him. I had no one else in the world.

The wind blew harder, moving the hair that fell in my eyes. I felt like it was trying to tell me to open my eyes, to see the world and face it. But, I could not do that. It was too much for me.

The bus was moving and the Sun was about to rise. Everyone was asleep in their bunks, lulled by the sound of peaceful morning. We were sitting on the small couch in the front area, cuddled next to each other, watching TV on mute, just enjoying the stolen moments between us, moments without anyone around. I listened to the sound of his heartbeat and thought about how perfect the moment was. Just the two of us.

"I just love this song," he said and reached for the remote, turning up the volume.

"Me too," I said and moved closer in his lap, while Michael Jackson sang in the background.

The sound of "Thriller" was filling my room since that day. I did not even bother to change it. The smell of stale air and cigarette smoke. Everything was the same.

And, it was too late for me to change the past. It was too late to run away from it. I have had my chance to make it right. To never even start it.

I loved him; he lied to me.

I wanted to be together; he wanted something else.

We were not meant to be. I could not make the past right. But, the future was only mine to make.

I was going to make it without him. I waited too long for him to love me back.

Maybe it was for the best. Maybe the experience made me stronger. And maybe, just maybe, I was going to live another day growing stronger. Without him.