Everything Is Never as It Seems

I looked down at the ground, nonexistent aside from the path in front of me, lit by the countless number of fireflies locked away in the jar I was carrying. It was an unseasonably cold summer night; the tears falling down my cheeks warmed them against the cool wind hitting my face. The grass tickled my bare feet as I went astray from the gravel path.
I arrived at his grave site and just stood there, reading it, like I did every week, when I visited his grave:

Alexander Marshall
June 28th, 1989-August 24th, 2008
Caring Son
Devoted Friend
Forever Loved

I sat in the grass and set the jar of fireflies on the flat cement block in front of his tombstone, moving the decayed flowers that his mom put there two weeks ago, replacing them with new ones.
I quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks, slowly regaining my composure. I didn’t want Alex seeing me like this.
I inhaled deeply, and exhaled through my mouth. “Hey, I’m here. Sorry I’m so late, I wanted to give you something special.” I gestured to the jar of fireflies. “Today is three years, remember?”...

Alex was the definition of perfect. He was fun and outgoing, not to mention he could always make me laugh. I’m wondering, actually, I’m hoping, that he sees me the same way I see him.
“Adam! Look!” Alex called to me, bringing me out of my thought process.
I looked at him and he was pointing up. Following his finger, I saw that he was pointing to the cloud of fireflies above us.
“Fireflies. They’re my favorite.” He said with a smile on his face, looking at me.
He reminded me of a kid in a candy store; anything could make him smile.
I returned the smile and stood next to him, gazing up at the cloud of blinking bugs. My fingers slipped through his, making Alex jump a little.
I looked down at him and he was still smiling, if not blushing, looking at the ground. It was too dark to tell.
I directed his face to face mine, and I stared straight into his eyes. “How do you feel about this? About us?”
He tried looking away, but I wouldn’t let him. I felt his cheek getting warm as he smiled a little more. “I like it. A lot.”
I laughed a little at how cute and embarrassed Alex was becoming. I turned to face him and grabbed his other hand in mine. “Do you want to do this?”
He looked up at me, and our lips connected in a sweet, soft kiss.
We parted, both smiling, both blushing.
“I definitely want to do this.” Alex said quietly, taking his hands out of mine to wrap his arms around me. I followed his actions and kissed the top of his head.
I looked around and saw the fireflies descending, flying around us. It was magical.
I heard Alex laugh a little into my chest. “I think they really like us.”
I smiled. “I think you’re right.” I pulled away from our hug and our lips met again. I don’t know how I could’ve waited so long for this. It seemed like everything was supposed to happen like this, and that Alex and I were supposed to belong to each other for the rest of our lives. I can’t see myself with anyone else...

The waterworks started again as I thought of that night, exactly three years ago. So many good memories pressed into that one night, only to be shattered exactly two years later.
“I’m sorry, Alex, it’s still hard to believe that you’re gone, that I’m talking to a tombstone and sitting on top of your corpse instead of talking to you and holding you in my arms.” I said, sniffling.
A bright light shined in my face. I looked at it, covering my face, seeing the light was coming from a flashlight being carried by the cemetery guard.
“Alright, kid, it’s time to head on out.” He said, pointing to the entrance.
“Could I have five more minutes?” I asked quietly, politely.
He looked at me for a few seconds, then sighed. “Alright, five, then that’s it.” He paused, looking at Alex’s tombstone. “That your brother?”
I shook my head, looking at the ground. “Boyfriend.”
He rested his hand on my shoulder. “Sorry to hear, son. How about I give you ten minutes?”
I looked at him and smiled, tears falling out of the corners of my eyes. “Thank you.”
He patted my shoulder and slowly made his way away from us, shining his flashlight in random patterns, looking for anyone else that could be lurking out here this late.
I turned back to Alex and sighed. “I’ve tried to be happy and move on without you, but I don’t think that’s possible. You were my life.”...

“Adam, will you stay with me forever?” Alex asked, playing with my hair as I laid on top of him on a lazy Saturday afternoon.
“Of course.” I said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, and, at least to me, it was.
“You’d never leave me, ever?” He asked again.
I looked up at him. “Where is this all coming from, Alex? What makes you think I’d ever leave you?”
He sighed. “I don’t know, but I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this whole...thing, isn’t going to last as long as we want it to.” He said uneasily.
I sat up and looked at him, confused. “What do you mean?”
“I just feel like something bad’s gonna happen. I don’t know to who, or where, or when, or why, or how, I just...I don’t know...it’s not a good feeling.”
I hugged him tightly. “It’s gonna be okay. Nothing bad’s gonna happen to us. We’re gonna be together, and we’re gonna be happy our whole lives.”
Alex looked at the floor, playing with the hem on the bottom of his pants. “I want to believe you, but–”
I cut off his words with a passionate kiss. He grabbed the sides of my face while my hands stayed down by his hips.
“I love you. More than words can describe.” Alex whispered in my ear.
I smiled and snuggled into him. “I love you, too, Alex.”...

I was brought out of another good memory by the guard. I jumped, startled, and looked up at him. He had a regretful look on his face. “Sorry, but ten minutes is up. You gotta get going.”
I nodded and wiped the tears, new and old, from my cheeks with my sweatshirt sleeve. “Thanks again.”
“No problem, kid.” He said.
I stuck my hands in my pockets and started walking towards my house. I slipped on my flip flops at the edge of the grass and went on my way. I wish I would’ve had longer with Alex tonight. It’s such a special night, it deserves to be lived out to its fullest. I worried about the fireflies being released by some late night grave walkers.
“At least he enjoyed them as much as he could.” I said out loud, turning into the driveway of my condo. I grabbed my key and unlocked the door. I was greeted by my tabby cat, appropriately named Marshall. My mom got him for me after the funeral, thinking that he could help with my loneliness. It works to a certain extent.
I picked him up and started scratching his head. “Hey Marshall, how’s my buddy doing?”
He looked at me, and I could see that he knew I was having a rough night. He lightly pawed at my face and licked my nose.
I smiled and kissed his head, setting him down, going into my bedroom.
I still had some of Alex’s things, the things he treasured: his keyboard, some of the various presents I gave him, his late grandmother’s rosary, which he wore everyday underneath his shirt, and his favorite stuffed animal, a little fluffy dog that I got for him as a little “I love you” gift one day. He named it Youngster, after my last name.
All of his belongings seemed so much more significant tonight than they do any other night. I picked up the stuffed dog and smiled. I set it back down and ran my fingers over the velvet of the case for the rosary. I never touched it; I keep insisting that his mom take it, but she always declines, tells me to keep it, that it means more to me than it does to her.
I ran my fingers over the dusty keys of Alex’s keyboard, leaving dust streaks over the top of them.
I fell onto my bed, finally feeling so emotionally overwhelmed I just wanted to sleep it all off. I closed my eyes and drifted off into sleep.

My phone rang in my pocket as I was getting ready to go over to Alex’s house. He was coming home from Vegas today; some of his close family is down there, and he goes down there for two weeks every summer. I could usually go with, but this year was a no go for me. At least he’s going to be home in time for our two year anniversary.
I pressed the talk button and put it up to my ear, answering in a happy tone, “Hello?”
“Um, yes, is this Adam Young?” An unfamiliar male voice asked on the other end.
“Who’s asking?” I asked, giving myself a once over before slipping on my shoes and grabbing my car keys.
“This is Dr. Olds, at the Memorial Hospital, and we have some devastating news concerning Alex.” He said.
I gasped and put my hand over my mouth. “What is it?”
“I think it would be better if you came here. He’s been calling for you ever since he got admitted.”
I didn’t even respond to the doctor. I ended the call and my phone slipped out of my hand onto the floor, my body collapsing on the couch shortly after. My tears fell like waterfalls as I broke down. I got up quickly and ran to my car, speeding to the hospital. I couldn’t waste a minute, because in that minute, I could lose him.
I barged into the hospital and the secretary directed me to the right room. Thanking her, I set off down the long, white hallway, walls lined with heart monitors and wheelchairs.
When I got to Alex’s room, I was shaking in anxiety. I knocked, hoping that someone would be there to open it for me.
Thankfully, Dr. Olds was there.
“Hello, Mr. Young. Come in.” He said quietly, solemnly.
I nodded and went in, my eyes filling up with tears again. I kept my hand over my mouth as Dr. Olds pulled the curtain back for me.
My breath got caught in the back of my throat at the sight of him. His mangled body, bruised, bloodied, scratched, gauged. It was horrible. I could barely make out his features, there was so much swelling.
“What happened?” I asked in a shaky voice, afraid to touch him. His chest was barely rising and falling; he looked peaceful in a way. I saw oxygen tubes up his nose and an IV in his arm.
“When Mr. Marshall got off the plane, he boarded an airplane shuttle van to go home. The car that hit the van wasn’t watching the road and ended up hitting the van at 65 miles an hour...”
I cringed at the speed, tears leaking, but said nothing.
“It hit Alex almost directly, causing him the most damage. The other person on that side of the car didn’t make it; she died at the scene of the accident, almost on impact.” The doctor explained.
“How does Alex look?” I asked, dreading the answer.
When Dr. Olds sighed and didn’t give me an immediate response, I knew it was for the worst, so the tears started falling faster. “How long.” I barely got out.
“We’re not sure if he’ll even make it through the night. He’s basically having a machine breathe for him. In the x-rays, it showed that both of his lungs were punctured by two broken ribs and he had internal bleeding. I’m sorry, Mr. Young.”
“Could I have five minutes with him alone, please?” I asked quietly.
“It probably won’t do you much good, Mr. Young–”
“It will. Please. Five minutes is all I ask.” My voice turned slightly desperate.
He sighed. “Very well, just call me in when you’re done.”
I nodded and once the doctor was out of the room, I pulled up a chair right next to Alex’s bed. I reached out my hand and brushed a stray hair back in line, being careful not to hurt him. I looked down at his hand and brushed my thumb against the top of it gently. I let out a quick laugh, tears falling down my cheeks again. “I guess you were right, huh? Back when you said that something bad was going to happen. I just wish it would’ve been me instead...”
I felt his hand move underneath my thumb. I looked up at him, and he seemed to have a little life back in his face.
“Alex?” I asked quietly.
I saw him trying to move, even though it pained him to do so. “Adam.” He said weakly, hoarsely.
“I’m here, Alex. I’m not leaving. I’ll never leave you. I love you.” I said, slightly hysterical. I leaned up and softly kissed his lips one last time.
With that kiss, the line went flat. His chest stopped moving. All the life in him was gone...

I woke up with tears streaming down my face. That dream felt more like a nightmare each time I dreamt it. I looked at the clock: 1:34 am. I let my head fall back on the pillow as I stared at the ceiling, wide awake.
I tried counting sheep to get back to sleep, but nothing was working. I sat up and walked into the bathroom, splashing some water on my face. I got my mocks on and walked out the front door, heading to the cemetery again to see if the fireflies were still there.
When I saw something glowing from the edge of the cemetery, I smiled slightly and slipped off my shoes. I hated walking along here with shoes on, I feel like I’m dirtying all the graves.
I got to Alex’s grave, and it seemed that the fireflies had accumulated in the jar, seeing twice as many as there were before.
I sat on the ground and heard a buzzing sound in my ear. I shook my head frantically and looked around, seeing more fireflies above me. I took the jar and opened it, releasing the captive fireflies, and they flew to join the group above me. I stared in amazement at what was happening before my eyes. They were doing some sort of formation.
I gasped when they were finished, and tears of joy filled my eyes.

Everything is never as it seems...

Alex <3

I smiled, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a year.
Alex was never gone, he was just here in disguise, disguised as something he loved, something he knew I would never forget, so I would never forget him.