I Bleed Happiness

Three dreams, I reminded myself, it’s just three.

We had landed only a few minutes ago and I had planned to pick up my car and drive to the hospital. It was only one in the afternoon. My parents expected me home by four, because when I went to a sleep over I wasn’t awake until three. I couldn’t detach myself my Justin, though.
“I’ll drive you,” he offered.
“Don’t -”
“I want to,”
I coudn’t argue anymore. He drove me, but not to my car. Instead, I leaned against the window and closed my eyes. Sleep was inadequate last night, obviously, and I had become exhausted from the march, then the quick depart to the airport. Instead of sleeping, I felt every turn and spin. It took a short time. I knew we weren’t at Katie’s. My eyes fluttered open when the engine shut off and I saw the large sign of the hospital.

My stomach knotted and I looked at Justin.
“You don’t have to do this,” I murmured.
He put a hand on my shoulder and our eyes locked.
“I want to, Becca. If you feel you need to do this, I will help you.”
I couldn’t argue with him. It wasn’t fair.

So he stood outside the room while I stood at the foot of Gabe’s bed. He was just as lifeless. Carefully, I worked my way around to the side and took his cold hand in mine.
“Gabe?” I whispered.
No reply. I looked at the monitors. No change.
“I went to a rally today,” I said, sitting down on the bed. “It was in New York City. It was pretty cool. We had thousands of people yelling for Yellow Rights. Did you know I can’t vote? I can’t become a police officer... Not that I wanted to. You know me. I don’t know what I want until it’s shoved in my face...”

The image of Justin kissing me threw itself into my feild of vision. His lips were so warm and full and - I shoved it out of my head and pressed my hand closer around his.
“I miss you, Gabe,” I said. “I- I only have three dreams left to go. Two after this... obviously... They’ve been awful... probably not as awful as hearing your mom trying to shut you off, huh?”
I paused - like a response will come - and leaned closer. His eyelids weren’t moving, but I swore they did. Carefully, I pushed up his lid. He stared back at me. I could see a little flicker of life. The tears came before I could stop them.
“I know you’re alive,” I said. “I’ve always known... I just need you to move. Please, Gabe... wake up...”

*

The drive to my car was silent. Justin’s knuckles were white. I glanced at him, but when he glanced away, I looked away. Finally, he killed the car and locked the doors.
“Stop it,” he said.
“Stop what?”
“I’m fine. Stop worrying me.”
“But -”
“No, Becca. I want to take you to Gabe’s hospital. I don’t want him to die.”
“But he...”
“Has dibs on you? Has a major crush on you?”
“Yeah...”
“So what? I’m not you’re prince charming, I didn’t expect to be. I was just hopeful. A little too hopeful.”
I nodded, biting my lip.

The silence filled up like a wound with blood. Justin started the car and gave a sigh.
“Do I have to stop being hopeful?”
Our eyes connected again, like magnets. I could see every orange-yellow strand and his big, friendly eyes. He was hot, nice and a great kisser. Yet, that little tickle of guilt adulterated the image I had of him. I didn’t know what to say, what to think. So, I said, “Do whatever you want.”
“But I want to do you,”
My cheeks seared. It felt like I could fry an egg.
“Sorry, that was unnecassary,”
I couldn’t speak. The want for him built up inside of me. Stop it, I said to myself, you’re going into shark water, now. But, of course I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

*

Dream number eight. It came on fast. I was dropped into it. I only got a fourth of a scream out before I landed in a pool of water. Swallow, gulp, and I found myself kicking for the surface madly. When I surfaced, I hacked up water and sucked in air. That was a dirty move, I thought dejectedly, then began to look for the shore. Off to my right, I saw a bank of sand, so I swam. The water felt slightly viscous, like jello packet had been stirred in a bowl full of water, but not refridgerated. This better be over soon, I thought.

After a few more minutes in the water, I got onto the bank, my clothes sticking to me. I could see my nipples through my shirt and my underwear rided up, almost like a scrunched up thong.
“Wish I could see more, sugar,”
Justin.
My heart started pounding. He could see me. Almost naked. Right there. I turned slowly. Why did I have to wear a white shirt to bed. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses, yet I could tell he scanned me head to toe and he liked what he saw. Not sure what else to do, I just stood there until he bent down and picked something off the ground.
“Here,”
A purple towel was in his hand. I snatched it up a little too quickly and wrapped it around myself. At least it made him smile.

He sat down on the bank, right at my feet. His eyes looked up at mine.
“What?” I almost snapped.
“Why do you think we come here?” he asked, quickly looking away.
“It’s the dreams.”
“But why do we dream in the same thing? I mean... we experience them at the same time, Becca. Doesn’t it mean something?”
I paused at that.
“I’m... not sure.” I answered lamely.

Justin sighed and brought his knees up to his chest, resting his arms on them. I was compelled to sit next to him.
“What do you think it is?” I asked.
He paused like me, then looked me in the eye.
“I think it’s the angel trying to tell us something.”
His hand clapped over his mouth.
“I-I-I didn’t mean that! I mean... I did. But I didn’t mean to... to say it!”
He looked terrified.
“It’s okay, Justin.” I said.
“Actually, it’s not.”

There was a whirl of sand and clothes. The purple towel was off and he was on top of me.
“I feel like a puppet,” he said.
“What?”
“I-I’m not controlling this. But I want this... I want you, Becca.”
“Justin didn’t we -”
Too late. Our lips collided. Hard. It almost hurt. I tried to say Justin’s name, but instead of words being shoved out of my mouth, he only shoved his tongue into it. Just one word came to mind: Fuck.

My fist came up. I couldn’t help it. Things had gone to far. I hit him square in the jaw, both of us gasping for breath.
“Bitch,”
The word was foreign to Justin’s mouth. In terror, I turned.

Tony’s figure had replaced Justin’s.

I screamed and tried to get to my feet. I hardly made it a step before his hand fell on my ankles, jerking me down. My mouth was now filled with sand. He climbed ontop of me, I whimpered.
“Becca? What happened? Why are you crying?”
I looked up. It was Justin again.
“You... you were Tony,”
“Who?”
“A-Ajax...”
“Oh, Becca...”
He hugged me. Sincere. Lovely. God damn it. I needed to sort everything out.

For some reason, we started kissing again. It must’ve been a wet dream come true for Justin, because he picked me up and leaned me against something. It was soft, but the edge was hard. I forgot about it. Our clothes came off. We were passionate. Finally, when he entered me, he tilted me back to get a better angle. I moaned as he began thrusting. He felt amazing. However, my head was against something. It was hard, yet soft. Though Justin felt good, this confused me. I craned my neck, looking back. Gabe’s body was slumped up in a sitting position, his shoulders slack and head off to the side. Suddenly, making love to Justin wasn’t so nice.
“Justin, wait, I -”
He morphed again. I watched him. His features turned, plumping him up to match Tony’s again. The person inside of me hurt, like they were tearing out my insides.
“Never forget me, Becca.” he said.

A syringe appeared in his hand when he brought it up from the sheets. It entered a vein and pink liquid drained into my system.
“Never,”

My eye sight faded. I slumped against the sheets. I never knew it was possible to pass out in a dream.

When I woke next, I had six missed calls. All of but one were from Justin. He had left three voicemails. The last call was from Gabe’s parents, reminding me that I only had eleven days. Did they enjoy torturing me? I did not enjoy being reminded of the days until Gabe’s death, or salvation. I hoped for the later. Yet, with only two dreams to go, the clock seemed to be ticking to the time of the death march.