A Million Little Stars

October rolled around like a child in a leaves. The temperature dropped to cold levels. Taylor’s heart was too cold to feel anymore. Whenever she got really upset about the ordeal, she would remind herself that eventually the pain would subside. Eventually her heart would return to normal.

But it never did.

He was beginning to be a ghost though. Only something found in her dreams. She saw him in Euro, where they would talk about everything under the sun, and at lunch, where they would barely speak. This difference left a lot of questions in Taylor’s head. She promised herself that one day she would have them answered. Any day now.

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“Test is tomorrow, people. You better be ready for this,” Mr. Walters pointed into the crowd of students in his classroom. He looked at the clock, “the last five minutes are yours.”

Taylor felt the familiar tap on her shoulder. She turned and saw his bright smile.

“Are you ready for the test?” he asked, raising his eyebrow at her.

Taylor laughed, “Yeah, right. I’ve barely cracked the spine of this book.” She pointed towards the euro book. It was a lie. She knew the book from cover to cover. It was her fun read.

“Maybe we can study tonight for it,” he shrugged his shoulders.

The invite didn’t come across as flirty or amorous in the slightest way. Maybe that’s why Taylor wasn’t as excited as she should be.

“That’s a great idea,” Taylor said. She forced a smile. “How about my house tonight around seven?”

“Perfect,” Thomas smiled just as the bell rang.

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Around seven, the doorbell rang. Taylor’s heart skipped a beat. She had forced her parents out of the house tonight so that she wouldn’t have any potential embarrassments that weren’t self-inflicted. She hopped down the stairs and ran to the door. She opened it wide.

There he stood in a gray wool bomber and dark jeans with his Euro book in hand. It was one of the first cold nights of the winter and this caused his cheeks and nose to be a bit red. He looked so perfect. “Hey,” his eyes lit up and the speech forced condensation out of his mouth.

“Hi. Come on in,” Taylor smiled and led him in.

“So what’s up? “ he said as they went up the stairs towards her room.

“Not much. Just got off work so my house might be a little bit disorderly,” Taylor opened the door to her bedroom. She had pulled in the couch from the den so that it wouldn’t be awkward for them to sit together on her bed. She had a door to her closet and a door to the staircase that lead to the roof. Her bed sat in the corner with a series of windows that overlooked the backyard.

“Where do you work?” he asked as he took off his thick jacket and placed it on the edge of the couch.

Taylor’s first mistake. “Uh… my family owns a Christmas tree farm.”

Thomas stopped, “are you serious?”

Taylor felt her lower lip twitch, “Yeah. It’s out back.”

“That is the coolest thing I have ever heard,” Thomas’s eyes widened.

“Really?” Taylor was shocked.

“Yeah!” Thomas exclaimed. “Can we see it?”

Taylor laughed. She couldn’t believe he was serious. “Yeah. Follow me.” She led him towards the glass door in the corner. She opened it and slipped outside into the cold, dark night. A rod iron staircase spiraled up to the roof. She put a couch up there too, but that had been a long time ago.

Thomas followed her until they got to the top. He looked out over the backyard. Rows and rows of young Christmas trees were beginning to grow. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it. “Wow.” He whispered. “So you help grow them?”

Taylor smiled, “Yeah, it’s getting to that time of year so we’re trying to plant ask many as possible before we have to harvest them.”

Thomas nodded, “Are you gonna take over the family business?”

Taylor pursed her lips, “I don’t know. I will if I have to but…”

“Why? What do you want to do instead?” Thomas turned his attention towards her.

Taylor’s second mistake. The night felt like Antarctica now. She didn’t want to say it. She tried to make an excuse in her mind, “I want to be a musician.” Darn it. She said it. Why did she say it?

“Really?” Thomas seemed impressed. “That’s cool.” This ‘that’s cool’ wasn’t as excited as the other was.

“Well. Let’s go study. It’s freezing out here,” Taylor went back down the stairs and into her room. He trailed her.

She went and sat on her bed. She opened her book. “Okay, so. The Enlightenment!” She began.

“Can you play something for me?” Thomas asked.

Taylor looked up. He was staring off at her guitar in the corner. Taylor’s third mistake was not putting it away. She felt hot all over. “No, you don’t want to hear me. I’m not that great.” She shook her head.

“Aw. Come on. Please,” Thomas’s blue eyes urged her.

Taylor swallowed. She told herself no. She wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t embarrass herself. “Okay,” she walked over to the guitar asking herself why she just agreed. She grabbed the instrument and sat back down on her bed. “What should I play?”

Thomas shrugged, “play what you feel.”

Taylor’s hands answered the question before her mind did. She started strumming the pattern. She was playing his song. Thomas’s song.

“Untouchable like a distant diamond sky,
I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why
I'm caught up in you.”

She heard herself singing against her own will. She didn’t dare look up to see his face. What could she do now? She forced herself to continue.

“Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
And when you're close I feel like coming undone
In the middle of the night
When I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars
Spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on
Say that we'll be together
Come on, come on
Little taste of Heaven”

She felt warm hands on her face. She looked up and he was there. Inches away from her. Her mind rushed and her fingers froze over the frets. He leaned in and kissed her. She felt his soft lips on hers. She felt his hands leave her face and her guitar being taken away. She heard it echo as Thomas laid it on the floor. All the while, he was kissing her.

Taylor couldn’t think or move, but luckily Thomas could. He grabbed her hands and intertwined their fingers, pushing her down on her bed in the process. All the while, he was kissing her

Thomas stopped. He broke away. They were nose to nose. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Taylor tried to calm herself, “Then why are you still on me?”
Thomas waited a second, “Because I don’t want to stop.”

Taylor knew her answer, “I don’t want you too either.”
Thomas smiled and dove in again at her lips.

Something in Taylor told her this was what she always wanted. Of course it was. But something else saw trouble on the horizon.

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The next day came. Taylor wasn’t sure what to do. She felt like every dream had come true. She went out on her roof that morning and ate her breakfast, watching the sunrise. She was in love and it wasn’t a tragedy anymore.

But when Sierra came to get her, the emotions flipped upside down. She no longer felt bubbly but disgusting. She was in the skin of a cheater. She was the worst best friend. She had thrown away years of friendship for a guy.

The ride to school was silent except for the comfortable, “How are you?” Sierra’s content self was a clue that she was unaware of what happened last night.

Taylor walked into first period. He was already there. He looked up to see her. He looked innocent. Like nothing had happened.

Taylor dropped her bag and her books and looked towards him. “Thomas,” she whispered. “I can’t do this. I can’t not tell her what happened.”

Thomas looked bamboozled. It was too early for him. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to break up with her. I want you to tell her what happened. I want you to stop messing with me,” Taylor’s was stressed out.
“You don’t want me to do that last one,” Thomas looked up at her.

Taylor sighed, “Okay. Maybe not the last one. But one of the first two would be nice.”

Thomas sighed and leaned forward, “Can we talk about this later please?”

Taylor rolled her eyes, “Fine. Same time, same place as yesterday.”

The bell rang and Mr. Walter’s began passing out the test.

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Taylor checked herself in the mirror. She wore her red waffle print leggings and her band camp shirt from that summer. She took down her hair from its ponytail and fluffed it out. Why was she trying to look good? This was so wrong.

The doorbell rang and Taylor went to the door. She opened it. A silence held between them.

“Can I come in?” he asked.

“Yeah, come on,” Taylor went up the stairs to her room.

He came in, shutting the door, and followed her.

She went in and sat down on her bed. He took his seat on the couch, pulling off his jacket. He settled himself before starting.

“Look, Taylor. I have loved you since before I knew you. I didn’t even know you were friends with Sierra. Remember when I recognized you on the first day. That’s cause I saw you in the pictures on Sierra’s walls. I loved you since I saw you there. I saw you with her in the mall photo booths or posing like a rock star with your guitar or both of you screaming on amusement park rides. But I didn’t know you. I knew Sierra. I knew that Sierra’s dad was my dad’s new boss. I knew that my dad was depending on me to help him get the new sales position.” His eyes kept low on the ground.

“Is that why you are dating her?” Taylor couldn’t believe it.

“Please don’t think of it so negatively. I know you’re her best friend. I know that it’s horrible. But you don’t know my dad. He needs this promotion. And I’m just stuck in the middle,” Thomas sighed heavily. “All I want is to make everyone happy. But I feel like I will never be able to.”

Taylor was speechless. She wasn’t quite sure what to say.

“Listen,” Thomas crossed the room. He took a seat on the edge of her bed. “I just need to get past Christmas. That’s when the promotion is being given. I just need that much time and I can break up with her.”

“Thomas,” Taylor said softly.

Thomas took her hands in his own. “Please. This promotion is so important to my dad and I promise you it won’t seem that long.”

Taylor didn’t want it to be like this. “So we still gonna hang out?”

“And by hang out, do you mean make out?” Thomas gave a slight smile.

Taylor didn’t want to admit that was what she meant. She tried to hold back a smile and nodded.

“As long as Sierra doesn’t suspect anything?” Thomas smiled.

Taylor looked in his eyes. He wasn’t lying. He really wanted to be with her. “Two months than,” she said and his face contorted into the biggest smile.

He leaned in and kissed her softly. “And I love your song.”

Taylor smiled, “it was about you.”

Thomas laughed, “I had hoped it was.” He leaned in again and kissed her.

Taylor felt the endorphins mix with the bile. The concoction was deadly. But so was their love.