Fragments of a Broken Mind
Chapter 10
*TIME ELAPSE*
Days went by and I heard nothing at all from my mother or from Gerard and the realisation of losing him became very real. Ray had been over because Gerard had insisted on it but he hadn’t asked for me it seemed. Ray said that Gerard had asked but my mother had told him that I had gone away and wasn’t coming. I believed that but the fact Gerard hadn’t argued still hurt. I sighed deeply and tried to watch the television but I flicked it off, unable to concentrate.
I went into Gerard’s room and sat on the bed. I looked about at his things and saw his sketchpad on a shelf. He might want to draw so I decided to get it and give it to Ray. I reached and tugged and it and another book fell from the shelf. I flicked through the sketchpad and smiled at the various pictures I found there. My brother really was an amazing artist, an undiscovered talent. Maybe seeing these pictures might stir up old memories? It was worth a go I thought as I looked at a sketch of a girl with a shock of violet hair. I wanted… no… needed him back.
I turned my attention to the other book. I had not seen this one before so I picked it up from the floor and opened it.
“I can’t talk to anyone about this so I have decided to write it all down so that maybe I will be less confused and hate myself less. So, here we go page, here are the thoughts of a person being torn apart by emotions that they can’t handle. Emotions that are just plain wrong and I know it. They threaten to overwhelm me and I don’t know what will happen if they do. In an attempt to save myself from that I am going to confess everything in written form.
I wish I could go to people but if I did they would all turn against me and honestly who can blame them for that? Right now I sicken myself. Mum always claims that Mikey was her disappointment but if she knew the truth about me then she would think him an angel. Sometimes I wish that I could just go, just vanish, and that everything would be OK. You know what though? I am too much of a coward for suicide and I have things keeping me here. Unfortunately what keeps me here is also my problem.
I need help so these words are a plea. The final acts of a broken man so to speak. I hope this will be enough because right now the future is scaring me.”
I sucked in a breath as I realised what I was reading. My brother had kept a journal and the book on my lap was going to hold the answer. The answer yes but not the cure. I looked down at the book and realised I was shaking. Part of me just wanted to read it but I was afraid of its contents at the same time. Gerard himself had found it so awful that he felt he couldn’t talk to anyone and frankly that was enough to worry me.
I snapped it shut, deciding that I wanted Frank with me when I read it and discovered the problem for myself. I took it through to the front room and lay it on the small coffee table. I went though to the kitchen, unable to resist temptation enough to share a room with the book. I glanced at the clock and made a grateful noise as I realised that Frank would be home soon.
I found things to occupy my time until my boyfriend came through the door. I ran to hug him, “I have got something to show you and you are not going to believe it was under our noses all the time and we didn’t see it!”
He shrugged his jacket off and returned my hug, “what has been here?”
“The answer Frank; the answer!”
“To what?” he asked me, his face wrinkled in confusion as he tried to find the reason for my excitement. I grabbed his hand and took him to the book, asking him to read the first page. As he did he began to look excited himself, “well, I wish we had known about a journal before,” he commented as he sat down with the book in front of him. I sat down next to him and we cuddled together. He turned the page and the first words confirmed my fears.
“So, my problem is my little brother Mikey.”
Days went by and I heard nothing at all from my mother or from Gerard and the realisation of losing him became very real. Ray had been over because Gerard had insisted on it but he hadn’t asked for me it seemed. Ray said that Gerard had asked but my mother had told him that I had gone away and wasn’t coming. I believed that but the fact Gerard hadn’t argued still hurt. I sighed deeply and tried to watch the television but I flicked it off, unable to concentrate.
I went into Gerard’s room and sat on the bed. I looked about at his things and saw his sketchpad on a shelf. He might want to draw so I decided to get it and give it to Ray. I reached and tugged and it and another book fell from the shelf. I flicked through the sketchpad and smiled at the various pictures I found there. My brother really was an amazing artist, an undiscovered talent. Maybe seeing these pictures might stir up old memories? It was worth a go I thought as I looked at a sketch of a girl with a shock of violet hair. I wanted… no… needed him back.
I turned my attention to the other book. I had not seen this one before so I picked it up from the floor and opened it.
“I can’t talk to anyone about this so I have decided to write it all down so that maybe I will be less confused and hate myself less. So, here we go page, here are the thoughts of a person being torn apart by emotions that they can’t handle. Emotions that are just plain wrong and I know it. They threaten to overwhelm me and I don’t know what will happen if they do. In an attempt to save myself from that I am going to confess everything in written form.
I wish I could go to people but if I did they would all turn against me and honestly who can blame them for that? Right now I sicken myself. Mum always claims that Mikey was her disappointment but if she knew the truth about me then she would think him an angel. Sometimes I wish that I could just go, just vanish, and that everything would be OK. You know what though? I am too much of a coward for suicide and I have things keeping me here. Unfortunately what keeps me here is also my problem.
I need help so these words are a plea. The final acts of a broken man so to speak. I hope this will be enough because right now the future is scaring me.”
I sucked in a breath as I realised what I was reading. My brother had kept a journal and the book on my lap was going to hold the answer. The answer yes but not the cure. I looked down at the book and realised I was shaking. Part of me just wanted to read it but I was afraid of its contents at the same time. Gerard himself had found it so awful that he felt he couldn’t talk to anyone and frankly that was enough to worry me.
I snapped it shut, deciding that I wanted Frank with me when I read it and discovered the problem for myself. I took it through to the front room and lay it on the small coffee table. I went though to the kitchen, unable to resist temptation enough to share a room with the book. I glanced at the clock and made a grateful noise as I realised that Frank would be home soon.
I found things to occupy my time until my boyfriend came through the door. I ran to hug him, “I have got something to show you and you are not going to believe it was under our noses all the time and we didn’t see it!”
He shrugged his jacket off and returned my hug, “what has been here?”
“The answer Frank; the answer!”
“To what?” he asked me, his face wrinkled in confusion as he tried to find the reason for my excitement. I grabbed his hand and took him to the book, asking him to read the first page. As he did he began to look excited himself, “well, I wish we had known about a journal before,” he commented as he sat down with the book in front of him. I sat down next to him and we cuddled together. He turned the page and the first words confirmed my fears.
“So, my problem is my little brother Mikey.”