Fragments of a Broken Mind

I gave a small gasp and grabbed Frank. He slipped an arm around me and looked into my eyes, “are you OK with me reading this with you or would you rather be alone?”

“There is nobody I’d rather read this with,” I replied honestly as I stretched to give him a peck on the lips. I hated to think this was all going to be somehow my fault and so I definitely did not want to be alone reading this. I looked back at the book, tightened my grip, and took a deep breath before starting to read.

”You see my problem is that I am dependent on my brother. You may think that this is not a bad thing and in the main part it isn’t. On the other hand though it is not what he is doing for me that makes me dependent but it is something darker. You see, I need him more than he needs me and in a different way. I love him which isn’t unusual in itself but what I mean is that I am in love with him. I fell hard a while back and I tried to ignore it but the feelings have grown and intensified so much that it hurts.

So, simple right? I should just leave but I just can’t let go of him. I feel so responsible for him since Mum rejected him. I am the only family he has left and with me lusting after him the way I do it all feels so wrong. He deserves so much more than me but I am all he has. I am so torn because I want to go, to forget it all but I don’t want to at the same time. I hope I come to a decision soon because these feelings are so intense tat they threaten to engulf me. I feel like I am teetering on the brink of insanity if I am not already insane due to my emotions.

And then there is Frank. Well, what can I say? Frank is everything that Mikey deserves and I don’t want to spoil that at all. I get jealous though but it is stupid because I can’t take my brother that way. Why me? Why do I feel this way? Mikey doesn’t feel the same; I know that for sure as he never would look twice at me that way. For a start I am his brother.

I should go; I need to go. I just wish I had the courage to vanish. I have to do this for both of us, I will find a way.”

My head was spinning as Frank closed the book and let it slip from his knee onto the floor. He sucked in a breath, “well, at least we know what it was he was facing but the question is now, what do we do about it?”

“I… How…? Ugh, Frank, I don’t know how I even feel about this whole thing let alone how to make it OK again!” I was so confused by it all. I mean, there was no way I felt the same way, that didn’t confuse me at all. What worried me was that I somehow had encouraged Gerard’s feelings. I needed him and I relied on him, had that done it?

Frank stroked at my head, “you didn’t cause this my love,” he said as if his fingers had taken the thoughts from my head, “he knew that you didn’t share his feelings and nothing you did or could have done would have altered them. Gerard could have confided this in Ray without judgement; I wonder why he felt he couldn’t?”

I just gave a shrug not really knowing the answer, “I guess this is something that we will need to ask Ray,” I said slowly even though by then I was thinking of what to do with our knowledge to bring Gerard back to us. When he was back though we would need a solution for him. Stayed resting on Frank, who was still slowly stroking my hair, and thinking.

“We can’t just tell him so… um… maybe showing him the book might stir up memories?” Frank suggested.

“He can’t be at Mum’s when that’s done though as she would rip him to shreds!” I warned in reply, unable to think of another solution, “what then though?”

“He won’t be facing it alone; we will all be there to support him,” Frank kissed me and lightly pressed me amongst the cushions, “Gerard will get over this.”

I mumbled an agreement although I was afraid we would do more harm than good bringing Gerard back to find we all knew his secret.