Make Me Wanna Die

For the most part my day passed pretty smoothly. Well as smoothly as possible for me that is. Nick turned out to be in almost all of my classes. Actually all but one. Every time I saw him I had this weird feeling coursing throughout my body. It was something I've never experienced before. I can’t even describe it. It was strange though. Every time he looked at me I got this odd feeling that he was studying me. Actually he was probably thinking about why I was such a freak. Everything about me probably radiates the word 'freak'.

Everything from my shoulder length blonde hair to my blue eyes. I used to love my eyes. They were ocean blue and I somehow always made them sparkle when I was happy. Well now they are dull and lifeless. Who am I kidding I was never really happy. Like I said happiness is just an illusion made to block the pain momentarily. Sir always tells me I'm fat, and my clothes were worn from the rare occasion the at was allowed to have them (They often had to last more than two years) Sir never gave me money except to buy him food.

Food. At the thought of it my stomach growled. Sir never allows me to eat at home. "It will make my sugar fatter" Is his favorite phrase to use. And with the limited amount of money that I am able to scrounge up from between the couch cushions I am lucky to eat once every 3 days. Those days are special occasions for me. Luckily today is that third day.

I made my way from the school and in the opposite direction of the house. McDonalds was just around the corner. Which is kind of ironic considering everyone is trying to eat healthy. As I walked up to the counter I dug around in my pocket for the limited amount of change that I had. $2.00 is all I had been able to scrounge up. The smart thing to do would be to save a dollar tomorow, I might as well.

I ordered a double cheeseburger off of the dollar menu before laying the correct change on the countertop and moving out of the way so the next customer could order. I began rapping along to the song on the radio. It was one of my favorite Eminem songs. Though it was rather old. Without Me. I knew every word and was somehow able to keep time with it.

"I see you like Eminem. I'm a pretty big fan too. Though I think I prefer his newer stuff."
"Holy shit!" I just about had a heart attack. I mean who does that? Obviously whoever it is enjoys scaring people to death. I spun around to see who the dumbass was. Nick. And of course he had that stupid smirk plastered on his face. I wanted to smack it right off.
"Hey now, what kind of language is that? That's definitely not ladylike." Oh I could have smacked him right then.
"Yea well neither is Fuck you or come to think of it Go to hell isn't either." with that I spun around and yanked my food off the counter. I stormed out of the McDonalds and made my way across the street to the park. My safe haven.

Making my way over to my favorite swing I rid my hands of the bag before settling into the swing with my sandwich and iPod. Luckily I had no homework today, so that also meant no books. I flipped the lock button on the iPod, to the other side. The screen lit up immediately, still playing Three Days Grace. With Bitter Taste playing in my ears I began nibbling on my cheeseburger. I had developed the habit of tearing chunks out of my food and nibbling on them slowly in order to make it last longer. I guess that’s one of the effects caused by starvation. Who knew?

I guess momentary peace was just too much to ask for. I just couldn't be left alone, because not even two minutes after I sat down Nick was strutting towards me. That idiotic grin still playing on his lips.
"Well that’s just perfect." I mumbled bitterly as I swallowed a bite of my cheeseburger. I was not about to leave though because the only place I had left to go was home. And I sure as hell didn’t want to be there, even though I had to be soon. If the house wasn’t clean....you know what would happen.

"Hey, fancy seeing you here." Oh yea. Fancy. I rolled my eyes as I swallowed the last bite of my sandwich. And even though my stomach wasn't completely satisfied, I would live another day. Wadding up the wrapper I tossed it, and it landed softly in the trash can.
"Nice shot."
"Didn't you're mother teach you not to talk to strangers?" I sent a glare in his direction before turning back to my iPod.
"Ouch. That's harsh. And as far as I'm concerned we aren't strangers. I'm Nick and you're Alex."
"Uh huh. Guess that's everything you need to know then. Goodbye." Could this kid get any more annoying?
"Hey, this is a public park. And I'm not ready to leave." Guess that answers that question
"Whatever." Just then he decided to plop down. On the swing beside me. Awesome.
"So how old are you anyways?"
"Not your age."
"Older or younger?"
"Well that depends."
"depends on?..."
"If you’re going by maturity." And with that I stood, then began walking over to the nearest bench. I laid down before he had the chance to follow. Leaving no room for anyone else.

"Don't you know it's not nice to walk away in the middle of a conversation?" Ugh, can't he just leave me alone?! Seriously.
"A conversation. Really. Is that what you call that?" I rolled over onto my stomach and pulled my hood up to cover my head. Wincing as I stretched my arms out to lay them under my head as a makeshift pillow.
"Yup. That’s what they're called. See you learn new things every day." He was now sitting on the ground by my head, eating what was left of his french fries.
"Thanks for that intriguing lesson Professor."
"It was my pleasure. So anyways where were we? Oh right. Age. And yours is?"
"Is being annoying a full time job for you? Or just a hobby?"
"Well if you would answer I wouldn't have to repeat myself." He was laughing. Laughing! My god he is insane.
"18."
"Ah and the truth shall set you free."
"Are you secretly Dr. Phil? Am I on camera? Jesus."
"Now now let's not get feisty. When is your birthday?"
"I don't have one. I'm from another world."
"Uh huh. I see, well we'll just have to make one up then. How about September 27th. That work for you?" I just gaped at him. That was one hell of a guess.
"More like the 28th. Nice guess though."
"I don't guess. I'm psychic." He replied. I chuckled. For as annoying as he is, I do like his sense of humor.
"Really now? So what am I thinking about?"
"Hmm. Let me reign in my powers for a moment." He got this strange look of concentration on his face and began rubbing his temples. "Aha! You're thinking you want to go get some ice cream."
"Sorry. Close but no cigar." Actually Ice cream does sound amazing. But that last dollar is going towards tomorrow’s meal.
"Well you are now. I can see it in your eyes. Which are an amazing shade of blue might I add."
I blushed and hid my face in the circle that my arms had made from the position I was lying in on the bench.
"Shut up. And you're wrong I am not thinking about ice cream. Besides I already spent my money."
I heard him chuckle. "You lie. And besides it'll be my treat."
"No thank you. I don't want your money"" I don't care how hungry I am or what I need. I will not take charity. All it leads to is people saying you owe them later on. I neither want nor need that. It's just not worth it.
"Oh come on. Please. It's just one little ice cream." I swear this boy could make a nun swear. He got this pitiful look in his eye that was hard for even me to say no to.
"Look. I..I have to get home. Maybe some other time though." Probably not.
"Oh. Ok. Well I'll see you in school tomorrow?"
"Yea sure. Bye." And with that I leapt off the bench and started walking towards home.

********************House*************************

Sir was home. And the house was a mess. Perfect.

As I walked through the doorway I was hit with the smell of stale beer and weed. I rushed for the kitchen and began cleaning. The faster I got it done the less punishment I receive. With the dish water running I began to sweep the floor, and gather up the beer bottles that were scattered around. The laughter in the net room was obnoxiously loud and annoying. He was stoned.

After washing the dishes and shutting off the light I made my way up to my bedroom, as quietly as I could. It would just be my luck to catch his attention.

I grabbed my pajamas from the hanger in my closet. A tight tank top that reaches my belly button and a pair boy shorts that are too short because I've had them since before my growth spurt. Two years ago. Sir doesn't allow new pajamas. He likes these too much. I was able to sneak in a pair of basketball shorts and a school tee. Those I am only able to where when Sir goes on one of his business trips and I know he won't be back soon enough to catch me in them.

I padded over to the bathroom to shower. Stripping out of my clothes I plugged my iPod into its dock, then hit shuffle. I climbed in the shower, letting the warm water wash away my worries, temporarily. Glancing down at my body I could see the results of my most recent punishment. My stomach was taken over by a large purple and yellow bruise. The Newest sections were almost black. It still hurt to breath. My legs and arms were covered with the bruises. I hurt like hell.

Sighing I turned off the water and stepped onto the linoleum, then wrapped a towel around my torso. The swelling in my ankle has gone down. It's bearable now. After putting on my tank top and shorts I brushed my teeth then headed for bed. Plugging my iPod into the wall to charge, I slid into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. I let my mind wander, but I ended up thinking about Nick. What was his deal? I replayed today’s events over and over until I drifted off.

****************************************************************************************************
The first thing that caught my attention was the way the bed sunk. I jerked my head up, eyes wide, only to see Sir climbing on top of me. My hands started to shake as he reached for the covers, yanking them away from my body, leaving me exposed to his drunken wrath.
"Please Sir. Not tonight. Please" I knew that when I pleaded it only got worse. But I always tried. I would never get used to the pain, both physically and emotionally, that he caused me.
"Shut the fuck up bitch. You're a whore, you know that?" The burning I felt on my cheek resulted from the slap he gave me. Tears clouded my vision as he yanked at my clothes, tearing yet another hole in my shorts as he proceeded to rip them from my body. He began fumbling with his pants, succeeding in getting the button undone. After ridding himself of his clothes, and I of mine, he entered me. I cried out as he slammed into me repeatedly, grunting with the effort.

I cried because he was raping me, I cried at his words, I cried because of the pain he was inflicting on me. And I cried because I was too weak to stop any of it.

After he left I ran for the bathroom, picking up my scattered clothes along the way. Stumbling and falling as I shut the door behind me. It wouldn't do any good; Sir refuses to allow me to have any locks. I let the pain consume me as I curled into a ball in the middle of the floor. Aching for the day I would be free, I cried for what felt like hours. Finally passing out in the early hours of the morning.