It's No Fun on the Sidelines

Los Angeles, CA: only about an hour and a half away from home. I loved being back in my familiar surroundings. Even though Ohio is officially ‘my home’, Cali has always been my calling.

“Welcome home baby girl,” Todd whispered to me as we stepped out of the airports and he slid his arm around my waist, resting his hand on my lower back.

“It feels so amazing,” I said replied as I rested my head on his shoulder.

“No time to rest, Molls. Practice awaits,” Travis said excitedly as we piled into a truck.

I chanced a glance back at Katie. She’s been really shut off from Todd and I since yesterday. I have no idea what I did to the chick. I wasn’t even around when she practiced yesterday. But from Todd, I guess they sort of bumped heads. I saw it coming. It was only a matter of time. I let it go though. She had X to worry about. So did Todd and I. Some little thing that could probably wait till later wasn’t going to be brought up yet.

We didn’t even go to the hotel first. Right to freestyle practice we went. I was jet lagged and just didn’t want to be on my bike. I sensed a little of the same from Todd, but on a completely different level. I really didn’t want to say anything to him, but he was scaring me just a little bit. If he didn’t want to ride, he shouldn’t. Things never turn out well for him when he does that. Just the way he was sitting on a chair staring at the ground, unnerved me. He’s usually all excited to ride and just his cocky self. Now he’s just… not.

“Baby,” I said as I placed my hand on his knee, causing him to look up at me. “Are you ok?” I asked, hating the look in his eyes.

“I kind of snapped at Katie yesterday. I feel bad now,” he said as he rested his hands behind his head.

“Is that why she won’t talk to us?”

“It may be. I’m not too sure if you did anything to her,” he shrugged as he stood up.

The look in his eyes never changed. I wanted to pull him back away from his bike so he couldn’t ride. I honestly almost did as I watched him pull his helmet over his head. He stopped half way through and looked at me, leaving his helmet just above his forehead.

“I love you, Molls,” he said before pulling the shiny thing all the way down.

“I love you too, Todd,” I said softly as his bike screamed to life.

I watched, so scared for him, as he pulled away. I really wished I had his jersey on right now instead of mine. Not that it would make anything different, but it would make me think that he was still here with me. Just as he hit the first jump, not pulling a trick, Travis and Katie came to my side.

“Is he ok? He hasn’t said anything since the airport,” Travis asked as we all watched him.

“He feels bad for snapping at Katie yesterday,” I said, not losing him from my sight.

“He should,” Katie snapped.

I bit my tongue and continued to watch. He wasn’t being himself. He wasn’t throwing any of his regular tricks. They were either trickless jumps or really simple ones for him: whips, knack knacks, holy grabs. All I wanted to do was run out on the course and pull him off that bike. It was only a matter of time before something went wrong.

The next jump he approached, he actually sat up so that he could back flip it. The only reason I knew was because his flip bars were up. As he pulled off the lip, I could tell he didn’t get the right pop, but he stayed with it. Bad move. I hate to say this, but Jeremy’s crash and his seemed to replay side by side in my head. Even though it wasn’t the same trick, I was still so horrified. My hand travel unconsciously up to my In God’s Hands patch on my jersey.

Travis grabbed onto me so I couldn’t go over to him. I didn’t care if I could or not. That’s my man. He’s going to get back up. He always does. Todd always gets up. As I fought my way out of Travis’s arms, my gaze never left his body that still hasn’t moved.

“Todd,” I yelled, knowing he couldn’t hear me.

He was too far away. And still not moving. I started running towards him, hearing Travis close behind.

“Molly, he’s fine. Let the medics get to him,” he said as he was gaining a lot of ground.

“They’re not even fucking there. He could be dying and they’re just dragging their asses around,” I yelled as tears started to well up in my eyes and Todd’s motionless body became closer.

“Molly, you need to clam down. He’s going to be fine. Just let the people that need to be around him, be around him,” Travis said way more in control than I was.

“I need to be around him,” I said breaking away from him once again.

I didn’t waste any time. Within seconds, I was right by his side. I wanted to bust into tears the second I saw him. He was out cold. His helmet was skewed and cracked in a few places. His Rockstar/Dragon goggles that I always made fun of were twisted to the side, allowing me to see his eyes. The beautiful brown iris was hidden behind his closed eye lids.

“Todd, baby, listen to me. I know you can hear me. I love you so much. I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to be right here beside you the whole time. When you open those amazing eyes of yours, I’m going to be right there,” I said quickly, noticing the medics… and Travis coming over.

I was so afraid to touch him. His body was in such an awkward position that I was so terrified that just the slightest touch would cause so much more damage. But I grabbed his hand softly and gave it a weak squeeze before Travis pulled me back so the paramedics could give him the attention he needed.

Once Travis pulled me into his arms, I lost it. I heard a bike in the distance and knew from the sound that it was Blake. His four stroke always sounds just a little different from all the others. The engine died and I was soon in his arms.

“Aw, Sheila, he’s fine. He’s taken a beating from his bike before. This isn’t anything new,” he tried to calm me down.

I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was worried too. Everyone around me seemed to be. Just as they carried him away, I thought maybe I saw his hand twitch, but nothing else. No sounds, no sudden movements, no nothing. That’s not Todd.

“I have to go,” I said, leaving Blake, but being pulled back quickly.

“We’re all going,” he said sternly with Katie and Travis by his side.

“I’m not arguing. I have to go now,” I said a little louder, trying to get across my anxiety.

“Come on, Molly,” Katie said as we darted to the exit.

The drive there was nothing but a blur to me. The three tried involving me in conversation. I wasn’t there. Todd’s everything to me. If something happens to him… oh my god. I need him.

When we did get to the hospital, I felt so nervous. The worst part was that I couldn’t even see him and he was in the ICU. The only good news was that he had gained his consciousness back once they transported him. But he had broken limps. They didn’t tell me which ones. As long as his head was in tacked, I was ok. I’d take care of him til there was no tomorrow not matter what happened to him. Its just head injuries are so horrible. But they did say he suffered a concussion. He’s had too many for it to be a big deal now. The one that worried most for his recovery was a knee injury. Knees are important in motocross. This could be his worst injury yet.

Finally, after about two hours, I could finally see him. Everyone seemed to want to come with me, especially Katie. She spilled out all of her frustration that she had with him. She said it just built up until she hated him that day. She felt so horrible now that she couldn’t apologize like she wanted to. I thought it was nice of her, but I wasn’t too concerned. I just wanted to see him.

I walked down the corridor slowly. Seeing his room made my heart skip a beat. There wasn’t anything more that I wanted right now than to look into his big dark brown eyes. Sadly, what I saw when I walked in was the opposite. He was lying there with tubes coming from so many places and his eyes shut tight.

“Aw, baby,” I slipped out as I went to his side.

Right away his eyes flung open and focused, slowly, on me. Even though he was in this state, it made me smile. His eyes said it all. I was the one he wanted to see.

“How are you feeling?” I asked in an almost whisper as he reached for my hand.

“You just asked that. How do I look?” he asked aggravated.

“Like my sexy man,” I smiled and kissed his forehead.

“You’re not supposed to make me feel better right now,” he said as he tried to fight his own smile away.

“You’re not supposed to feel sorry for yourself right now. Tell me what’s broken so I can give you so extra loving,” I teased as he shifted to make a spot on the bed for me.

All he did was lift his left hand out from under the thin blanket to reveal a short cast. I frowned at him and kissed his forehand again.

“You’re arm?” I asked, feeling so horrible for him right now.

“My wrist. It hurts so bad,” he winced.

I hate it when he’s injured. He hasn’t been for a while now. All I want to do is be around him and make him feel better. Putting that theory to the test, I didn’t leave his side for the whole night. The only time I did was when my bladder was screaming to be emptied. Even though the others wanted to see him, I wasn’t about to leave. If my man was down, I was going to be the one to bring him back up.