Hold Me Close, I'll Never Let You Go

Amare’s bed sheet rose and fell with her heavy, laboured breathing. The beeping noise of the various machines attached to her body echoed around the small, white room and
Brennan stirred in his chair, his eyes fluttering awake to look over at his sleeping, dying girlfriend.

He smiled at the peaceful look on her face, for once not twisted in pain that regularly coursed through her frail body as the disease killing her ate into her body day by day.

He wrapped her small hand into his own larger one and raised it to his soft, pink lips and kissing it, grazing her dry skin…wishing he could make everything better, wishing he could save her.

Amare’s eyes opened and her hand twitched slightly in Brennans.

She smiled, the thin skin on her dry lips cracking

“Hey you” she whispered hoarsely

Brennan smiled back at her, fighting back tears and thanking the gods for allowing him to have one more day of his angel. One more day of Amare. His nightmares consisted of waking up and finding her still, her heart beating no more, her mouth frozen, never to smile again…it plagued him like his own disease….

She coughed, her chest heaving with the effort to regain her breath and he grabbed the glass of water on her bedside table and held her head as she drank thankfully, the cold soothing liquid briefly kissing her throat.

She smiled at Brennan again “Thank you”

He didn’t say anything, just cupped her cheek in his hand and kissed her tenderly. It always amazed him how she never failed to smile.

He had known her almost his whole life and he couldn’t remember the days of childhood when he hadn’t had her to hug or to play with.
He still remembered the day he had peeked over the fence to his new neighbour’s garden and seen the small, brown haired girl lying on a blanket colouring in a scrapbook, biting her lip in concentration.

She had felt his stare and had immediately looked up and for the first time, he had witnessed that dazzling smile, the gap of a missing tooth not marring the innocent beauty of her five year old face.

“Hey!”She had called “Wanna play?”

Brennan hadn’t wasted anytime in clambering over the white washed fence and fell onto his knees, scrabbling to get over to the little girl who was now his friend.
She stood up proudly and held out her hand

“My names Amare and that’s Penny” she pointed at the battered old doll lying on the grass

Brennan had shook her hand briefly, his brothers warning of ‘cooties’ ringing in his ears

Amare sat down again, Brennan following her and she flipped her book to two new pages and pulled her cup of crayons towards them.

“You can share mine” she had stated “Except the pink…the pink ones mine”
Brennan still laughed at her confidence to this day and was still amazed their lifelong connection was forged through a cup of shared crayons.
~

He soothed her hair back from her face as she lay down on the pillow again, her mouth now drawn in a tight line…the pain enveloping her body once again

“It’s bad today?” Brennan whispered, her hand still clutched in his and he squeezed it gently

She nodded “It’s pretty bad…but I’ll get over it” her voice was strained, trying to muffle the urge to cry out in agony.

Brennan stood up “I’ll get the nurse…”

He moved away and Amare shot her hand up, grasping his wrist in a frail yet strong hold

“No Brennan…don’t” she gasped in effort “I don’t want more morphine pumped into my system…I don’t want to spend the last days of life in a drug induced daze Brennan…you know that” her voice dropped to a whisper, the truth in her eyes almost to much for Brennan to bear “I don’t have much time left Brennan…I want to spend my last days happy. I want to spend them with you”

Brennan sat down again and rocked back and forth slowly, shaking his head “Don’t say that Amare…they’ll…they’ll find something…they’ll fix you, you’re not going to die…you can’t”

Amare smiled slowly and reaching over caught one of Brennans’ tears on her finger and then lowered it slowly to wrap her hand in her boyfriends again…he raised his head slowly to look at her

“Brennan…” she whispered “I’m dying…I have been for a long time…”

He shook his head again “No Amare...no you’re not”

He tried to silence the little voice in his mind whispering “yes she is”
“Brennan…”

Her frail, soft whisper caused him to let out a strangled sob and he jumped forward, crashing his lips against hers in a frantic, terrifying kiss. She kissed back and he pulled away, resting his forehead against hers

“You can’t leave me here alone” he whispered

She kissed his nose “Don’t be silly, I’ll never leave you…not really”

It had taken Brennan ten years to realise he was in love with his best friend, his Amare…they had been inseparable, going to the same elementary school and then the same high school.

He had held her in his arms on countless nights, rocking her back and forth after various painful break-ups and she had followed him silently when he had walked the neighbourhood angrily one night when he had found out his girlfriend Danielle had cheated on him until he had stopped and allowed her to slip her hand into his and she had sat with him for hours in the dark, while he cried in frustration and hurt.

He had expected he would go to prom with her, and he had…not thinking twice about it. It wouldn’t have felt right going to such an important night without the most important girl in his life on his arm.
He hadn’t expected that…when she walked down the stairs in an emerald green dress, her hazel eyes twinkling merrily, his heart would suddenly falter to beat. Time had frozen and when she smiled at him, asking what was wrong, he had stepped forward, cupping her face in his hands and had kissed her…their first kiss together in front of her parents and his. But it was right…everything about them together had always been right.

He expected he would marry her someday. He had expected she would be the mother of his children. He had expected they would grow old together, spoil their grandchildren together, die together…he never expected this…

The day she had told him she was going to the doctor, complaining of constant headaches and pains in her body his heart had leapt for one wild moment thinking she was pregnant. They were only nineteen but he knew he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. He went to the doctors with her, of course he did. He wasn’t going to miss that moment when the doctor looked at him and said “You’re going to be a father”

He had held her hand, excited and nervous…never once thinking there could be something seriously wrong with the love of his life.

His hope of starting a family early was dashed as soon as he watched the doctor walk in the door with Amare’s various test results back. He had simply looked at the young couple, just starting out in life and said in a sad, soft voice “I’m so sorry”

That day Amare had spent crying in Brennans arms while he brought her home to tell her family and his that she was sick…that she was very sick.

And now four years later as he tucked her back into bed from her laborious walk to and from the bathroom he truly realised people didn’t know how lucky they were to be happy and healthy.

“Brennan…” she whispered, her eyes struggling to open due to the terrible exhaustion that threatened to overcome her sleepy mind.

“Yes baby?” he tucked a strand of loose thin hair behind her ear, and ran his rough hand down her cheek, rubbing it softly with his thumb.

“I…I want to get out of here” her voice was barely louder than a breeze rustling between the leaves of a tree.

He froze “What do you mean?”

She closed and opened her eyes slowly “Take me…to our spot…”

“Now? Amare…you’re not strong enough”

“Please Brennan…I want to smell fresh air…I want to taste the sea on my lips again…I want to be able to breathe without four walls around me…”

Brennan stared into her soft, tired hazel eyes and finally sighed “Okay…I’ll sign you out”

Doctor Foster stared at Brennan for a long time after he repeated Amare’s request and after silently staring through the clear glass into the room of the dying girl he nodded and said in strangely thick voice as if he were holding back tears “Go ahead”

Amare’s face lit up in a hopeful grin when Brennan started to pack her things and the nurses came in to disconnect her from the many machines recording her decreasing health.

He wheeled her to his car and after strapping her in carefully and covering her with the old throw her grandmother had knitted for her a long time ago, he started the engine…

She fell asleep on the hours drive to the old, sheltered beach and Brennan pulled into the small, dirt makeshift car park and tapping the steering wheel with his fingers softly looked across at Amare, her forehead resting against the cool window, her rasping breaths a dagger to his heart.

He waited a moment, thinking and looking out at the beach, their beach.

He had never been here without her. It was his first visit here in two years…and he finally felt a great sense of relaxation being back. He remembered all the fond memories he had made here with Amare, when they were children daring each other to paddle the deepest in the blue water and then as teenagers…running and chasing each other through the soft foamy waves until collapsing with tears of laughter running down their cheeks on the sand dunes. They had never brought their other friends here. As Amare had stated, it was ‘their spot’.

He rested a hand on her shoulder now and gently shook her awake

“Amare, baby, we’re here”

She moaned softly, opening her eyes and yawned, smiling feeling the same sense of home here as Brennan.

He helped her out of the car and supporting her down to the water, they stood allowing the waves to kiss their feet and Amare held weakly onto Brennan, closing her eyes…allowing the peaceful serenity of nature wrap around her like a blanket.

“Take me to the bench” she whispered

Brennan looked at her for a moment, before walking to the sand dunes where a beaten blue bench was silhouetted against the skyline. They sat down, Brennan wrapping his arm around Amare and allowed her to snuggle into his side; she rested her head against his shoulder and sighed, happily.

Brennan looked down at the side of the bench and traced his fingers over the roughly carved names indented into the wood. He had done it, using his pocket knife when they were eighteen…

Brennan + Amare = Forever

If only he had known that their forever was being extinguished before it had hardly begun. If only he’d known…maybe somehow he could have saved her.

There’s still time

Brennan looked down at Amare and then out onto the empty beach whilst the words whispered in his head and a sudden realisation struck him.
There was no time left. That was why they were here…that was why she had requested he take her to the place they could record their love in memories.

There was no time left….

It was their final goodbye.

Brennan didn’t move. He allowed the fast rush of hot, salty tears drip from his eyes in a steady fall and he listened as Amare’s breaths became slower and slower…

“Wait for me…” he whispered and he didn’t need to look at her to know she was smiling weakly

“I’ll be with you always Brennan….just look inside”

He said nothing and watched the sun as twilight descended. He didn’t move when he felt his soulmate take her last breath and slump lifeless against his side. He waited...until he could wait no more and finally gathered Amare in his arms and knelt onto the sandy ground sobbing…

He kissed her now lifeless, cold blue lips, the frozen mouth that haunted his nightmares and held her…unable to believe she was gone. His Amare had left him…

“I’ll never leave you…not really” her words came back to him and he smiled softly and looked down at the girl he loved with all his heart and kissed her one last time

“Goodbye darling…wait for me…”