Sequel: A New Kind of Denial ›
Undeniably In Denial
Camron
“So who are they?” Jared asked, pulling out the chair next to mine and sitting down. He leaned over to get a better look at the computer.
“Karma. They’re a really good band from New Jersey that I listen to a lot. I used to know two of them, actually,”
“Go to school with them?” he asked.
“Nah, I dated this one,” I laughed, pointing at Reese and then to Jason. “And I met this one a couple times since it’s his best friend.”
“The friend is cute,”
“Yea, they all look so different now. This is a newer picture of them. Here’s what they looked like around the last time I saw them,” I said, pulling up a picture of Karma that was obviously not professionally taken. “There’s Reese, my ex, that’s Jason, his friend, and then that’s Ash and that’s Ianto. This was around Jason and Reese’s freshman year of college, where they all met.”
“How long ago was that?”
“About five years,”
“Why so long?” he asked, playing with one of his lip rings; something he does quite a lot.
“They went off to college, I was still in high school, and we lost contact. We just started talking again lately, and that’s when I found out about those two being in Karma,”
“But you’ve been listening to them forever, haven’t you?”
“Yea, but I never knew that they were in Karma. I don’t like knowing what the people in a band look like unless I go to a concert, someone shows me pictures of them, or if I see their CD and the people are on the cover,”
“Hey, guess what?” he whispered, chuckling.
“What?” I whispered back.
“I already knew that,”
“Why are you whispering?”
“You’re doing it too,”
“Okay, why are we whispering?”
“We’re not really whispering, though, it’s more of a whisper-yell,”
“Alright, then why are we whisper-yelling?”
“Because we want to,”
“No, because you started it and I followed along,”
“Then you just answered your own question,”
“But I wanted to – oh, screw it!” I gave up on the whispering and finding out why he was whispering in the first place.
“So, you’re going to meet us at the hotel in Paris, yea?” I asked Jared a few minutes before he got on his plane back to London. He had come with us – us being me and the other models – to one of our photo shoots, and when all the important people – being the photographer and the agents – got wind of him and met him, they immediately wanted him to be part of the shoot. That was in Bremen, Germany and they all liked him so much, they recommended him to the people in Paris, where he’s going to do more modeling.
“Yes, Camron, for the third time; Tuesday night I'll be on a plane to Paris and then someone’s going to meet me there at the airport and bring me back to the hotel you guys will be at.”
“I just wanted to make sure,” I chuckled, hugging him tight. “Oh, I just can’t believe you’re in the biz now too!”
“The biz? Since when have you called it the biz?” he asked, holding me out at arm’s length and laughing.
“I don’t know. Since now I guess. I don’t think I've ever called it that before, so don’t ask me why I did just now, because I have no idea, what-so-ever,”
“You are such a goof,”
“I know,” I laughed, leaning my head against his. “But your plane is going to leave soon, so you might want to get your crap together.”
“Thank you, by the way,”
“For what?”
“You practically got me the modeling gig. I've never pictured myself as a model before. I'm just a small town boy from Minnesota, living in London with a famous model and dancer. This is just so surreal for me, now that I'm an actual model. It’s amazing, Camron, and you did this for me,”
“Not really, I didn’t,”
“You invited me along to that thing in Bremen,”
“That doesn’t mean I did anything to get you the contract, though,”
“Contract? I got a contract?”
“Um…no. No, you didn’t get a contract,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I completely slipped up. As you can probably tell, that didn’t work too well.
“You suck at lying Cam,” he laughed. “Now, seriously; I got a modeling contract?”
“Shit, yea, you did. I wasn’t supposed to tell you about it though,”
“Well, now you did, so finish telling me,”
“Okay, so, they know you’re going back to London for a few days and that’s when they were originally going to tell you about it. You’re going to be signed to the same place I am, and that’s how I found out about it. They were talking about you and I heard the whole conversation. So I'm not even supposed to know about it, let alone you. You’ve got to promise me that you’ll act surprised when they tell you. Whoever ‘they’ are,”
“I know, I promise. I'll just have to get all my excitement out before-hand, I guess,” he chuckled, looking at his watch real quick. “Ah! I've got to get going! Bye Camron; I love you!”
“I love you too!” I yelled after him as he ran towards his loading dock. And of course, with any two guys yelling to each other that they love each other, we got a whole bunch of weird looks from people. But when don’t we?
“So how’d you like to go to a concert on Thursday?”
“Who’s playing?”
“Karma,”
“Your ex’s band?”
“Yea, well, he invited me,”
“Did he invite me?”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I asked if you could come and he said yes. If you aren’t going to go with me, than it’s just going to be me and Rina. Because I'm going to the concert no matter what; I promised Reese I would,”
“Well are you sure he doesn’t just want you to go by yourself?”
“Again, what’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing, nothing,”
“Are you jealous? Are you seriously jealous of my ex? I haven’t seen him or even talked to him for five years!”
“That doesn’t mean anything,”
“Yes it does. That means a whole hell of a lot of things,”
“You loved him, and he loved you,”
“Oh, now don’t go bringing that up. I said that I loved him. With a ‘d’. As in, the past. Not now. I don’t love him anymore. I love you now. Not him at all,”
“How can I be sure of that?”
“Damn it. I knew this would happen sometime soon,”
“Knew what would happen? I’d find out?”
“No! There’s nothing to find out! I knew we were on the brink of a breakup, that’s what I knew! Our relationship has been way too fucking good as of late! I thought that night we talked about this, we’d try to not end things. But I guess that’s just too hard for us, isn’t it? Or is it just you that has a problem with keeping us from not breaking up? I love you, but maybe you just don’t feel that way towards me. Is that it? Because if it is, please, just come out with it. Maybe we’re just not meant for each other. Or maybe we are and this is just how it’s going to be for the rest of forever if we stay together. But at the rate we’re going, I don’t think that’s going to be happening. I hate that we always break up and then get back together! If I'm going to be with you, I just want to be with you! I don’t want anything to get in the way, but obviously, that’s just too god-damned hard for you! I love you and I want to be with you, but I want to do all of this without the constant fighting. I just want for us to stay together, but I can’t do that on my own. You’ve got to learn to trust me. How many times have we split up because of something you thought I did, but didn’t? A lot; that’s how many. And don’t go thinking that I'm pinning all of our issues on you, because I've had my fair share of fuck-ups. But a big thing standing in our way is your lack of trust in me. Is it really that hard to trust me enough to at least believe that I'm not cheating on you with my ex? I’d never do that, and if you think I would, you’re completely wrong. Are you going to say anything? No? Are you even there? Hello? Jared? Jared?”
Silence.
’Call Ended’
He hung up on me! He actually had the nerve to hang up on me!
But then he called right back.
“Yes? Are you finally going to stop acting like a prick?”
“I swear to God, Camron, I did not hang up on you! I know it sounds like I'm lying, but I'm not. My phone lost signal and it dropped our call. I am so sorry. And I know what you mean about me having trust issues. I do, and I'm really sorry about that. I've always had problems trusting people close to me; ever since I found out my biological parents abandoned me when I was a week old. I try to trust you, I really do, but I just can’t help not trusting you some times. I know you’d never cheat on me like I was implying, but sometimes the jealousy in me just takes over and I can’t stop it until someone knocks some sense into me, like you did. I really don’t want for us to break up again and I know things keep getting in the way, but I do try. Please believe me when I say that I really do try. I try and stop these sorts of things from happening or getting between us, but somehow, they all just barge right through my barriers. Sometimes it’s hard, and you know that too. I want us to stay together, I want to get serious like we talked about, and I want to eventually maybe marry you. I love you, Camron Tyler Dole, I really, really love you, and don’t you ever doubt that. I can’t not love you; that’s just not possible,”
“Did you just say marry?”
“I did say marry; I said I eventually want to maybe marry you, ”
“So, you sort of just proposed,”
“I suppose I did, yea,”
“Yes,”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes I like turtles,”
“What?”
“I was being sarcastic! I mean, yes to you proposing. Yes I want to be with you. Yes I love you. Yes to everything. Yes I want to marry you too. Because I really, really love you too, Jared Michael Rader,”
“Even after this fight we just had?”
“Every couple fights, Jared. And they get through them if they’re strong enough. That’s all we need to do; we need to be strong enough to get through our fights. And I have faith in us. I think we can do this,”
“As long as I stop being such a douche, then yea, I think we can do this too,”
“Karma. They’re a really good band from New Jersey that I listen to a lot. I used to know two of them, actually,”
“Go to school with them?” he asked.
“Nah, I dated this one,” I laughed, pointing at Reese and then to Jason. “And I met this one a couple times since it’s his best friend.”
“The friend is cute,”
“Yea, they all look so different now. This is a newer picture of them. Here’s what they looked like around the last time I saw them,” I said, pulling up a picture of Karma that was obviously not professionally taken. “There’s Reese, my ex, that’s Jason, his friend, and then that’s Ash and that’s Ianto. This was around Jason and Reese’s freshman year of college, where they all met.”
“How long ago was that?”
“About five years,”
“Why so long?” he asked, playing with one of his lip rings; something he does quite a lot.
“They went off to college, I was still in high school, and we lost contact. We just started talking again lately, and that’s when I found out about those two being in Karma,”
“But you’ve been listening to them forever, haven’t you?”
“Yea, but I never knew that they were in Karma. I don’t like knowing what the people in a band look like unless I go to a concert, someone shows me pictures of them, or if I see their CD and the people are on the cover,”
“Hey, guess what?” he whispered, chuckling.
“What?” I whispered back.
“I already knew that,”
“Why are you whispering?”
“You’re doing it too,”
“Okay, why are we whispering?”
“We’re not really whispering, though, it’s more of a whisper-yell,”
“Alright, then why are we whisper-yelling?”
“Because we want to,”
“No, because you started it and I followed along,”
“Then you just answered your own question,”
“But I wanted to – oh, screw it!” I gave up on the whispering and finding out why he was whispering in the first place.
“So, you’re going to meet us at the hotel in Paris, yea?” I asked Jared a few minutes before he got on his plane back to London. He had come with us – us being me and the other models – to one of our photo shoots, and when all the important people – being the photographer and the agents – got wind of him and met him, they immediately wanted him to be part of the shoot. That was in Bremen, Germany and they all liked him so much, they recommended him to the people in Paris, where he’s going to do more modeling.
“Yes, Camron, for the third time; Tuesday night I'll be on a plane to Paris and then someone’s going to meet me there at the airport and bring me back to the hotel you guys will be at.”
“I just wanted to make sure,” I chuckled, hugging him tight. “Oh, I just can’t believe you’re in the biz now too!”
“The biz? Since when have you called it the biz?” he asked, holding me out at arm’s length and laughing.
“I don’t know. Since now I guess. I don’t think I've ever called it that before, so don’t ask me why I did just now, because I have no idea, what-so-ever,”
“You are such a goof,”
“I know,” I laughed, leaning my head against his. “But your plane is going to leave soon, so you might want to get your crap together.”
“Thank you, by the way,”
“For what?”
“You practically got me the modeling gig. I've never pictured myself as a model before. I'm just a small town boy from Minnesota, living in London with a famous model and dancer. This is just so surreal for me, now that I'm an actual model. It’s amazing, Camron, and you did this for me,”
“Not really, I didn’t,”
“You invited me along to that thing in Bremen,”
“That doesn’t mean I did anything to get you the contract, though,”
“Contract? I got a contract?”
“Um…no. No, you didn’t get a contract,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I completely slipped up. As you can probably tell, that didn’t work too well.
“You suck at lying Cam,” he laughed. “Now, seriously; I got a modeling contract?”
“Shit, yea, you did. I wasn’t supposed to tell you about it though,”
“Well, now you did, so finish telling me,”
“Okay, so, they know you’re going back to London for a few days and that’s when they were originally going to tell you about it. You’re going to be signed to the same place I am, and that’s how I found out about it. They were talking about you and I heard the whole conversation. So I'm not even supposed to know about it, let alone you. You’ve got to promise me that you’ll act surprised when they tell you. Whoever ‘they’ are,”
“I know, I promise. I'll just have to get all my excitement out before-hand, I guess,” he chuckled, looking at his watch real quick. “Ah! I've got to get going! Bye Camron; I love you!”
“I love you too!” I yelled after him as he ran towards his loading dock. And of course, with any two guys yelling to each other that they love each other, we got a whole bunch of weird looks from people. But when don’t we?
“So how’d you like to go to a concert on Thursday?”
“Who’s playing?”
“Karma,”
“Your ex’s band?”
“Yea, well, he invited me,”
“Did he invite me?”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I asked if you could come and he said yes. If you aren’t going to go with me, than it’s just going to be me and Rina. Because I'm going to the concert no matter what; I promised Reese I would,”
“Well are you sure he doesn’t just want you to go by yourself?”
“Again, what’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing, nothing,”
“Are you jealous? Are you seriously jealous of my ex? I haven’t seen him or even talked to him for five years!”
“That doesn’t mean anything,”
“Yes it does. That means a whole hell of a lot of things,”
“You loved him, and he loved you,”
“Oh, now don’t go bringing that up. I said that I loved him. With a ‘d’. As in, the past. Not now. I don’t love him anymore. I love you now. Not him at all,”
“How can I be sure of that?”
“Damn it. I knew this would happen sometime soon,”
“Knew what would happen? I’d find out?”
“No! There’s nothing to find out! I knew we were on the brink of a breakup, that’s what I knew! Our relationship has been way too fucking good as of late! I thought that night we talked about this, we’d try to not end things. But I guess that’s just too hard for us, isn’t it? Or is it just you that has a problem with keeping us from not breaking up? I love you, but maybe you just don’t feel that way towards me. Is that it? Because if it is, please, just come out with it. Maybe we’re just not meant for each other. Or maybe we are and this is just how it’s going to be for the rest of forever if we stay together. But at the rate we’re going, I don’t think that’s going to be happening. I hate that we always break up and then get back together! If I'm going to be with you, I just want to be with you! I don’t want anything to get in the way, but obviously, that’s just too god-damned hard for you! I love you and I want to be with you, but I want to do all of this without the constant fighting. I just want for us to stay together, but I can’t do that on my own. You’ve got to learn to trust me. How many times have we split up because of something you thought I did, but didn’t? A lot; that’s how many. And don’t go thinking that I'm pinning all of our issues on you, because I've had my fair share of fuck-ups. But a big thing standing in our way is your lack of trust in me. Is it really that hard to trust me enough to at least believe that I'm not cheating on you with my ex? I’d never do that, and if you think I would, you’re completely wrong. Are you going to say anything? No? Are you even there? Hello? Jared? Jared?”
Silence.
’Call Ended’
He hung up on me! He actually had the nerve to hang up on me!
But then he called right back.
“Yes? Are you finally going to stop acting like a prick?”
“I swear to God, Camron, I did not hang up on you! I know it sounds like I'm lying, but I'm not. My phone lost signal and it dropped our call. I am so sorry. And I know what you mean about me having trust issues. I do, and I'm really sorry about that. I've always had problems trusting people close to me; ever since I found out my biological parents abandoned me when I was a week old. I try to trust you, I really do, but I just can’t help not trusting you some times. I know you’d never cheat on me like I was implying, but sometimes the jealousy in me just takes over and I can’t stop it until someone knocks some sense into me, like you did. I really don’t want for us to break up again and I know things keep getting in the way, but I do try. Please believe me when I say that I really do try. I try and stop these sorts of things from happening or getting between us, but somehow, they all just barge right through my barriers. Sometimes it’s hard, and you know that too. I want us to stay together, I want to get serious like we talked about, and I want to eventually maybe marry you. I love you, Camron Tyler Dole, I really, really love you, and don’t you ever doubt that. I can’t not love you; that’s just not possible,”
“Did you just say marry?”
“I did say marry; I said I eventually want to maybe marry you, ”
“So, you sort of just proposed,”
“I suppose I did, yea,”
“Yes,”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes I like turtles,”
“What?”
“I was being sarcastic! I mean, yes to you proposing. Yes I want to be with you. Yes I love you. Yes to everything. Yes I want to marry you too. Because I really, really love you too, Jared Michael Rader,”
“Even after this fight we just had?”
“Every couple fights, Jared. And they get through them if they’re strong enough. That’s all we need to do; we need to be strong enough to get through our fights. And I have faith in us. I think we can do this,”
“As long as I stop being such a douche, then yea, I think we can do this too,”