Status: complete!(:
It's Yours
One.
So we had sex. Sue me. All Jake talked about for months was ‘taking out relationship to the next level’. I had to give in to him. When you love someone as much as I love Jake there is not a ‘no’ option. You give them what they want because all you want is for them to be happy. So I caved. I told him I was ready when I wasn’t and we went for it. I hated it. Every second I was wishing it was over. And then it was. Jake smiled at me. He rolled off his condom, threw it away, and just smiled.
“You were amazing.” He said. Then he kissed me goodbye.
Just like that my life was changed. I was no longer a virgin. I could never become a nun. Not that I had wanted to become a nun, but now the option was gone. I could never swear to my dad that I hadn’t done it. I could never feel better than the cheerleaders because I was still pure. I could never have that perfect first time experience after my wedding. So much had changed in just an hour. I felt different, new. I studied myself in the mirror:
Same ringlets of jet black hair cascading past my shoulders, same emerald green eyes, same body, same everything. It was the inside. My inside had changed.
I went to school, like nothing had happened. Like I was still the good girl, the girl who was untouched. I laughed with my friends, kissed Jake, and passed my Spanish test. I pretended like it didn’t happen. I didn’t tell Melissa or Janie. I didn’t tell Thom or Paul. I just acted like plain old Emma. But I wasn’t. Not anymore. I was just another stupid sixteen year old who had let her boyfriend sleep with her. I wasn’t me.
Jake IMed me that night.
PopPrince280: How are you feeling? I know that the first time is hard for girls. I hope it wasn’t too bad.
GreenEyedGirl: It wasn’t. I’m just a little sore. But I’ve been taking Ibuprofen and its helping.
PopPrince280: That’s good. So…..are you up for the same thing Friday night?
I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t just a little sore, that I was hurting like hell. I wanted to tell him that instead of having sex on Friday I just wanted to walk downtown with him, and see the lights, like last year.
GreenEyedGirl: Sure. Your house or mine?
I couldn’t deny him. Don’t think badly of me! I’m not a slut. Just a girl who is hopelessly in love with a boy who’s using her for sex.
PopPrince280: Yours. My parents got back from their ‘vacation’ today. Yours are still in Fiji right?
GreenEyedGirl: Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow at school. Don’t forget that our English paper is due!!
PopPrince280: Yeah, yeah. Love you babe.
GreenEyedGirl: I love you too.
PopPrince280 has signed out. If you wish for PopPrince280 to receive your message, he must be signed in.
I pushed my chair away from the desk. I felt dirty. Not only had I committed a sin, but I was going to do it again.
“Ugh!” I said out loud. Just then Becky poked her head around the door.
“What the hell are you ‘Ugh’ing about?”
Stupid stuck-up little sister. There was no way she would know what I was going through. No way would she understand the pain of the first time. I tossed her out of my room. Her little fists pounded on the door. I ignored them and focused on what I was about to do. I was going to call Paul. He would help me out.
“Hello?” He sounded sleepy. Who went to bed at ten o’clock anyways?
“Paul? I need your help.”
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Paul knew me well enough that he could hear the tremor in my voice. My carefully constructed mask broke away. I cried like a baby.
“Em? Em? What’s wrong? You can tell me! I swear I won’t judge you.”
I cried harder. “Paul…I…and then…it hurt so bad…now he wants…again…I
can’t take it…help me.” My voice came out all wrong. It sounded sad and desperate. I wasn’t even sure if he would understand.
“You weren’t ready were you?” How did he do that? I couldn’t even understand myself. How did he?
“No!!!!” I wailed. “But he was pushing me so hard and I couldn’t tell him no. I love him. But it hurt, it hurt, it hurt!!” I dissolved into tears again.
“Son of a bitch. He’s going to get it now. No one screws around with you. He should know better.” My crying stopped. I was suddenly terrified.
“Paul no! You can’t tell him I told you! You can’t tell him anything! I can’t lose him again! Not again and not over this!!!! What if he doesn’t come back this time! You have to swear to me that you won’t say anything!”
The other line was silent. “Paul? Paul!!!”
I heard him sigh. “I won’t tell him, Em. I swear. I won’t tell anyone.”
My phone beeped. Someone was on the other line.
“I gotta go. Thanks for not telling. See you tomorrow.”
“Love you.”
“I love you too.”
I hung up on him and switched to the other line.
“If you’re done talking to your gay boy I need to use the phone.” Stupid, stupid Becky. She would never understand.
“You were amazing.” He said. Then he kissed me goodbye.
Just like that my life was changed. I was no longer a virgin. I could never become a nun. Not that I had wanted to become a nun, but now the option was gone. I could never swear to my dad that I hadn’t done it. I could never feel better than the cheerleaders because I was still pure. I could never have that perfect first time experience after my wedding. So much had changed in just an hour. I felt different, new. I studied myself in the mirror:
Same ringlets of jet black hair cascading past my shoulders, same emerald green eyes, same body, same everything. It was the inside. My inside had changed.
I went to school, like nothing had happened. Like I was still the good girl, the girl who was untouched. I laughed with my friends, kissed Jake, and passed my Spanish test. I pretended like it didn’t happen. I didn’t tell Melissa or Janie. I didn’t tell Thom or Paul. I just acted like plain old Emma. But I wasn’t. Not anymore. I was just another stupid sixteen year old who had let her boyfriend sleep with her. I wasn’t me.
Jake IMed me that night.
PopPrince280: How are you feeling? I know that the first time is hard for girls. I hope it wasn’t too bad.
GreenEyedGirl: It wasn’t. I’m just a little sore. But I’ve been taking Ibuprofen and its helping.
PopPrince280: That’s good. So…..are you up for the same thing Friday night?
I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t just a little sore, that I was hurting like hell. I wanted to tell him that instead of having sex on Friday I just wanted to walk downtown with him, and see the lights, like last year.
GreenEyedGirl: Sure. Your house or mine?
I couldn’t deny him. Don’t think badly of me! I’m not a slut. Just a girl who is hopelessly in love with a boy who’s using her for sex.
PopPrince280: Yours. My parents got back from their ‘vacation’ today. Yours are still in Fiji right?
GreenEyedGirl: Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow at school. Don’t forget that our English paper is due!!
PopPrince280: Yeah, yeah. Love you babe.
GreenEyedGirl: I love you too.
PopPrince280 has signed out. If you wish for PopPrince280 to receive your message, he must be signed in.
I pushed my chair away from the desk. I felt dirty. Not only had I committed a sin, but I was going to do it again.
“Ugh!” I said out loud. Just then Becky poked her head around the door.
“What the hell are you ‘Ugh’ing about?”
Stupid stuck-up little sister. There was no way she would know what I was going through. No way would she understand the pain of the first time. I tossed her out of my room. Her little fists pounded on the door. I ignored them and focused on what I was about to do. I was going to call Paul. He would help me out.
“Hello?” He sounded sleepy. Who went to bed at ten o’clock anyways?
“Paul? I need your help.”
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” Paul knew me well enough that he could hear the tremor in my voice. My carefully constructed mask broke away. I cried like a baby.
“Em? Em? What’s wrong? You can tell me! I swear I won’t judge you.”
I cried harder. “Paul…I…and then…it hurt so bad…now he wants…again…I
can’t take it…help me.” My voice came out all wrong. It sounded sad and desperate. I wasn’t even sure if he would understand.
“You weren’t ready were you?” How did he do that? I couldn’t even understand myself. How did he?
“No!!!!” I wailed. “But he was pushing me so hard and I couldn’t tell him no. I love him. But it hurt, it hurt, it hurt!!” I dissolved into tears again.
“Son of a bitch. He’s going to get it now. No one screws around with you. He should know better.” My crying stopped. I was suddenly terrified.
“Paul no! You can’t tell him I told you! You can’t tell him anything! I can’t lose him again! Not again and not over this!!!! What if he doesn’t come back this time! You have to swear to me that you won’t say anything!”
The other line was silent. “Paul? Paul!!!”
I heard him sigh. “I won’t tell him, Em. I swear. I won’t tell anyone.”
My phone beeped. Someone was on the other line.
“I gotta go. Thanks for not telling. See you tomorrow.”
“Love you.”
“I love you too.”
I hung up on him and switched to the other line.
“If you’re done talking to your gay boy I need to use the phone.” Stupid, stupid Becky. She would never understand.