Status: complete!(:
It's Yours
Five.
Becky and Paul were back half an hour later. I wasn’t puking. That was a very good sign. Thom kept asking me how I had gotten sick, if I was feeling better, ECT. ECT. ECT. I wasn’t going to tell him. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. Not Paul. Or Thom. Or even Jake. I was going to get an abortion and no one would ever be the wiser. At least that was my plan.
Mom and Dad got back from Fiji on Monday night. They were going to be home for a week before leaving for South Africa. I got Mom to sign the permission slip I needed for my abortion the day before she left.
It was a very sly move if I do say so myself. She was so caught up in packing that she didn’t even look at the piece of paper. Just signed it. Jake still hadn’t called. Or visited. I could practically hear my heart ripping to shreds every time I thought of him.
Tuesday I went back to school. It felt like people were staring at my belly. Like they could see straight through it to the forming infant. I crossed my arms over my stomach during every passing period. I didn’t know how Paul had missed the bump. I could feel it. Every time I rubbed my hands up and down I could feel it. That unholy little inch of a bump. Okay. So maybe it just seemed bigger to me.
Jake wasn’t at school for the whole week. I was worried. All through out the week I fluctuated between anger that he was gone, depression that he still hadn’t called me, and worry that he might be hurt. It got to be too much. I had to IM Paul.
GreenEyedGirl: Where the hell is Jake? I know that you and Thom are hiding something from me.
Well that last part was an assumption. If Paul thought I was onto him it was more likely that he would spill.
TasteMyRainbow: Em, I don’t know where Jake is. Would I really keep that from you?
GreenEyedGirl: YES. You always keep things from me. Remember in sixth grade when you kissed Kari Lecky under the monkey bars and you didn’t tell me? I had to talk to Amber who was friends with Josh who knew Kari’s stepbrother Kyle who had seen you guys to finally figure it out. Jerk.
TasteMyRainbow: Well aren’t we little miss memory. If you recall I only did that on a dare. I knew before then that I was gay.
GreenEyedGirl: SEE!!!! You do keep things from me! You kept that from me until eighth grade!!! Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything! I might as well just become a hermit if people are never gonna tell me what’s happening in the world.
TasteMyRainbow: What is WITH you? For the past two weeks you have been nothing but moody and you always run off to the bathroom with some lame excuse. Is something wrong? If it’s just PMS then I might be overreacting. But I care about you, Em; I don’t want you to keep things from me.
GreenEyedGirl: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me if you tell me where Jake is.
TasteMyRainbow: Fine. Jake left. He went to Ohio with his grandparents. He’s going to live with them for a few months. Apparently his parents find him a ‘discipline problem’. He should be back in January.
Sadness and horror washed through me. January. That was three months away. What if Jake found a girl he liked better in Ohio? What if he left me? What if his parents decided to keep him there until college? What if he never came back?
GreenEyedGirl: And you didn’t tell me this earlier because…?
TasteMyRainbow: Because I didn’t want you to freak. Thom and I thought it would be best for you to just move on. He was never good enough for you anyways Emma. You could do so much better. And anyways, we were right. You’re not freaking out.
GreenEyedGirl: Paul Mathew Numez. If you think that I am not freaking out you are dead wrong. Just because I don’t have the patience to write it all out DOES NOT mean that its not being thought. You know what? Both you and Thom can go to hell. I don’t want you talking to me ever again.
TasteMyRainbow: Come on Em. The guy is an asshole. He doesn’t deserve you. Don’t be mad Em. We just wanted to do what was best for you.
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TasteMyRainbow: Aw come on Emma! Don’t be like that!
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TasteMyRainbow: Fine. When you decide to stop being a bitch and join Planet Normal again call me.
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TasteMyRainbow: AND I FUCKING KNOW THAT SHE IS NOT FUCKING SIGNED IN!!!!!!!!!!
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I wasn’t actually signed out. I had just set my IM to be ‘Hidden’. I saw every single one of Paul messages. Each one caused me pain and sadness. It was obvious that he was upset. Here was the one person who would help me with everything and I’d driven him away. I was a horrible person. Not only was I a sinner, but I was a bitch. I was a bitch to Paul, I was a bitch to Becky, I was a bitch to everybody. But that wasn’t for long. I was going tomorrow for my abortion. It killed me to do so, as I don’t think that the priest will ever forgive me, or God, but it’s my body. It’s my choice. I need something better than to be known as “The Catholic girl who got knocked up.”
Mom and Dad got back from Fiji on Monday night. They were going to be home for a week before leaving for South Africa. I got Mom to sign the permission slip I needed for my abortion the day before she left.
It was a very sly move if I do say so myself. She was so caught up in packing that she didn’t even look at the piece of paper. Just signed it. Jake still hadn’t called. Or visited. I could practically hear my heart ripping to shreds every time I thought of him.
Tuesday I went back to school. It felt like people were staring at my belly. Like they could see straight through it to the forming infant. I crossed my arms over my stomach during every passing period. I didn’t know how Paul had missed the bump. I could feel it. Every time I rubbed my hands up and down I could feel it. That unholy little inch of a bump. Okay. So maybe it just seemed bigger to me.
Jake wasn’t at school for the whole week. I was worried. All through out the week I fluctuated between anger that he was gone, depression that he still hadn’t called me, and worry that he might be hurt. It got to be too much. I had to IM Paul.
GreenEyedGirl: Where the hell is Jake? I know that you and Thom are hiding something from me.
Well that last part was an assumption. If Paul thought I was onto him it was more likely that he would spill.
TasteMyRainbow: Em, I don’t know where Jake is. Would I really keep that from you?
GreenEyedGirl: YES. You always keep things from me. Remember in sixth grade when you kissed Kari Lecky under the monkey bars and you didn’t tell me? I had to talk to Amber who was friends with Josh who knew Kari’s stepbrother Kyle who had seen you guys to finally figure it out. Jerk.
TasteMyRainbow: Well aren’t we little miss memory. If you recall I only did that on a dare. I knew before then that I was gay.
GreenEyedGirl: SEE!!!! You do keep things from me! You kept that from me until eighth grade!!! Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything! I might as well just become a hermit if people are never gonna tell me what’s happening in the world.
TasteMyRainbow: What is WITH you? For the past two weeks you have been nothing but moody and you always run off to the bathroom with some lame excuse. Is something wrong? If it’s just PMS then I might be overreacting. But I care about you, Em; I don’t want you to keep things from me.
GreenEyedGirl: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me if you tell me where Jake is.
TasteMyRainbow: Fine. Jake left. He went to Ohio with his grandparents. He’s going to live with them for a few months. Apparently his parents find him a ‘discipline problem’. He should be back in January.
Sadness and horror washed through me. January. That was three months away. What if Jake found a girl he liked better in Ohio? What if he left me? What if his parents decided to keep him there until college? What if he never came back?
GreenEyedGirl: And you didn’t tell me this earlier because…?
TasteMyRainbow: Because I didn’t want you to freak. Thom and I thought it would be best for you to just move on. He was never good enough for you anyways Emma. You could do so much better. And anyways, we were right. You’re not freaking out.
GreenEyedGirl: Paul Mathew Numez. If you think that I am not freaking out you are dead wrong. Just because I don’t have the patience to write it all out DOES NOT mean that its not being thought. You know what? Both you and Thom can go to hell. I don’t want you talking to me ever again.
TasteMyRainbow: Come on Em. The guy is an asshole. He doesn’t deserve you. Don’t be mad Em. We just wanted to do what was best for you.
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TasteMyRainbow: Aw come on Emma! Don’t be like that!
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TasteMyRainbow: Fine. When you decide to stop being a bitch and join Planet Normal again call me.
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TasteMyRainbow: AND I FUCKING KNOW THAT SHE IS NOT FUCKING SIGNED IN!!!!!!!!!!
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I wasn’t actually signed out. I had just set my IM to be ‘Hidden’. I saw every single one of Paul messages. Each one caused me pain and sadness. It was obvious that he was upset. Here was the one person who would help me with everything and I’d driven him away. I was a horrible person. Not only was I a sinner, but I was a bitch. I was a bitch to Paul, I was a bitch to Becky, I was a bitch to everybody. But that wasn’t for long. I was going tomorrow for my abortion. It killed me to do so, as I don’t think that the priest will ever forgive me, or God, but it’s my body. It’s my choice. I need something better than to be known as “The Catholic girl who got knocked up.”