Everything I've Ever Wanted

I watched Tony from my perch on the bed as he moved around his room, packing a bus bag for his trip down to Mankato in an hour. He stuffed a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt in there along with some snacks that I had gotten for him. He sighed as he scanned the room, looking into his bag and then to his cluttered desk. He looked back at me, his eyes lowered in confusion.

"Baby, I feel like I'm forgetting something," he gave me a sheepish smile before climbing up the bed to me. "Help?" He pouted, asking me to go through his check list.

"iPod?"

"Check."

"Phone?"

"Check."

"Under Armour?"

"NO!" He exclaimed, sitting up from my chest and dashing off the bed. "How could I even think about forgetting that!" He jogged to his closet, pulling the door open and grabbing his Under Armour from the top shelf. He walked back over, stuffing it in his bag before zipping it up. He lifted his hands over his head, pumping his fists as if he was a champion of packing. I rolled my eyes at him and sat up, crooking my finger.

"Tum here," I murmured.

"Yes'm," he grinned, climbing onto the bed and pushing me back against the pillows. He hovered over me, his tongue dragging across my bottom lip suggestively before his lips pressed to mine, his tongue filtering into my mouth. I tried not to get to into it, reminding myself that moments like these were the reason I was worried I might be pregnant. Ugh, talk about a mood killer. I shoved at Tony's chest, sending him a sorry look before rolling out from under him and off his bed.

"I'm going to go home for a bit." I bit my lip at his confused look, his head tilted to the side in a question.

"I'm not leaving for an hour," Tony reminded me, emphasis about how much time we had. I pursed my lips and nodded, looking above his head at the Minnesota Twins poster he had hanging there. "You don't have to go..."

"I know, but, um, I kind of want to." I murmured, watching his face fall. "But not in a bad way! I just mean, you know, you're trying to come on to me, and you need energy for your game, and, I just, I don't really want to have.. um.. yeah." I sputtered out, cringing at how broken and weird that sentence sounded. I wish I could just tell him. I wanted to tell him I was scared that I might be pregnant, carrying our love child, and that I needed him to help me through this. But I couldn't. He had to be the captain of a team that was starting to crawl up through the rankings, pulling themselves out of the hole they dug early in the year. It was his senior year; I wouldn't ruin that for him.

"Alright. Well, I'll see you tonight, right?" He asked, walking over to me and leading me from the room.

"Yeah, we'll leave a couple hours after you guys do," I told him, referring to the other girlfriends who were making the trek down to Mankato.

"Okay, call me when you get there or something so I know you made it okay?" He asked me.

"Yeah," I nodded, looking down at my feet before back into his green eyes.

"You're okay?" He wondered, his face skeptical.

"Yeah." I breathed, not able to look him in the eye when I said it. I knew he caught it, but he didn't say anything as he gave me a kiss goodbye, letting me head to my SUV. I sighed once I was in the car, feeling Tony's eyes on me as I pulled out and headed back across campus to my house.

When I got home I threw my keys on the counter, walking into my room, and diving on to my bed, letting the blankets enclose around me. I sighed, wishing I could go back in time and change a couple things. I wish I would have told Dakota earlier because as much as she's a pain in the ass, she was my best friend for a lot of years and she wasn't always like that. She used to be fun, outgoing, and a sweetheart, but college changes people. She started to drink and she was a nasty drunk, one of those people where you look at and you think, thank god that's not me. Yeah, she had her fair share of problems, but she was my best friend and to be honest, I missed her.

I rolled over in my bed, looking up at the ceiling and thinking about what my life would be like if I did turn out to be pregnant. What would Tony say? Would he be mad? Probably. How would he ever be able to tell his dad? What would his parents think of me? Would they think I was just trying to pull Tony into being with me forever? I rolled my eyes and smacked my head, telling myself to stop thinking about it. I didn't know if I was pregnant or not, for all I knew, it could be a stomach bug. The good news was that I hadn't thrown up in a couple days, maybe that was a sign that it was getting better. That I would be alright. Or maybe it was my body just fucking with me because it still didn't explain why I had yet to get my period.

I shook my head at myself, wondering how I could be such a fucking idiot. How could I even let the possibility of this occur? I was smarter than that. I knew Tony had a reputation to uphold and a lot of responsibility came with being the captain, especially the captain of your father's team. But when you're caught up in the heat of the moment and you're in the shower, it's hard to just tell him to stop and slip on a glove. That shouldn't be an excuse, but it was mine.

I passed the next couple hours sitting on my bed and watching TV, occasionally going on facebook just because I was bored. I repainted my nails and took a shower, redoing my make up and hair because I had time and wanted to look pretty even if I still felt like crap. I had just finished straightening my hair when Kara pulled up in her little silver Hyundai. She honked once and I was out the door, locking it behind me.

"Hey hot stuff," Lyssa greeted me from the backseat where she was playing solitaire on her iPod Touch. Jess was next to her, texting on her phone but she looked up to give me a welcoming smile.

"Good to see you out of Badger land," I giggled to her as she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Hey boo, is Mike playing tonight?" I asked her to which she nodded.

"He made a quick recovery since he didn't have a very bad case of it. He probably won't play much, but he'll be in the line up." She told me, pulling on to the freeway and heading south.

An hour passed as we jammed to the music that came out of Kara's ipod, letting the conversation be saved for the game. I bit my lip the whole time, staying quiet even when they all started to sing to Bed Rock. I opted to watch the fields fly by, along with the occasional gas station or restaurant. I bit my nails nervously as I contemplating letting my friends in on my little dilemma. I was nervous as to what they would think also. Would they think the same thing? That I was just trying to pull Tony in for life? No, they weren't that way at all. I sighed, turning back to look at Kara, the two of us the only ones awake anymore.

"Kara," I whispered to her as we drove along the highway. I looked back at Jess and Lyssa, seeing both of them asleep. I sniffled slightly as Kara gave me a worried glance before returning her eyes on the road.

"What's wrong?"

"I think-" I stopped, a sob chocking my words. This couldn't be happening to me. I couldn't possibly be pregnant. I wasn't ready have have a baby. I didn't want a baby. Not to mention what it would do to mine and Tony's relationship. I took a deep breath and tried again as Kara grasped my hand," I think I might be pregnant."

She was silent, the radio cutting in and out as we drove through the fields facing South. She pursed her lips and kept her eyes on the road, before she turned to me, a sympathetic look on her face. "What do you mean, I think?" She asked me, gripping my hand tightly.

"I haven't had my period in a month," I whimpered, wiping under my eyes.

"Okay, have you taken a pregnancy test?" She asked me as I shook my head.

"I'm too scared," I breathed out painfully, my lungs hurting with each breath I took as the lump in my throat widened the width of my breathing passage.

"Well we should start there. Have you talked to Tony about it?"

"No. I can't. I'm way too terrified. He'll hate me, I just know it."

"No you don't. Tony is not that irrational. He has his moments, but he loves you and he would be supportive no matter what way it went. But let's get a test before we come to any sort of conclusions." She patted my thigh lightly.

"Kara, I'm never late." I stressed to her. "I have never been late, that is not normal for me. I take birth control pills. I should not be late." A tear slipped down my cheek as I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, trying to hold back my sobs in consideration of the two sleeping girls in the back seat.

"Molly, just relax. Do you want to go take a test right now so you know?" She asked me as I shook my head no.

"I don't want to deal with it right now. I just needed to tell someone so that they would know. I can't suffer in the silence anymore." I breathed, wiping the tears off my face.

"I see. Well, you're going to have to figure it out soon, right?"

"Yeah, just not when I'm about to watch a hockey game." I told her, letting out a deep breath.

"Okay. But you'll do it soon okay?" She asked me, glancing at me once again.

"Yeah. Will you be there with me?" I wondered, my eyes pleading with her to say yes. She nodded, squeezing my hand in reassurance.

"I'll be there."
***

"Are you okay, Molly?" Tony's mom asked me when I saw her in the bathroom in between the first and second intermissions. I nodded, pursing my lips to hold the tears in as she scrutinized my face. "Honey, you do not look okay, come here." She instructed, tugging on my hands and pulling me into a tight hug. It was exactly what I needed at the moment, some sort of comfort from someone associated to Tony. I cried into her shoulder, pretending for a second that if she knew why I was crying, she wouldn't be mad. He hands rubbed up and down my back as the bathroom became empty, everyone going back to their seats as the teams filed onto the ice to cheers from both sides.

"I'm-I'm sorry," I hiccuped to her, sniffling as I wiped under my eyes, the skin raw after crying the rest of the trip to Mankato. I wished I could get ahold of myself but this felt terrible, it honestly felt like the end of the world, like my world was collapsing in on me, and I didn't even know if I was pregnant for sure.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked me, pulling away to look into my eyes. I shook my head at her.

"No, it's nothing." Lie.

"It can't be just nothing if you're crying like this. Did my son do something? Because he is never too old to get scolded by his mother." I laughed softly at that, a bubbly sound that came in through my chest and temporarily eased the pain I was feeling.

"No, Tony's fantastic." I assured her, wiping my nose on the sleeve of my jersey.

"Alright, well if you want to talk, I'm sitting in Section 11." She smiled softly at me, a gesture that meant she was being sincere. I nodded and we exited the bathroom, her going left and me going right. I walked down the steps at a stoppage in play, sitting next to Kara who looked over at me with a worried glance.

"I ran into Tony's mom in the bathroom. I started sobbing," I told her, running my ringers through my dark brown hair. I pushed out a sigh, feeling exhausted from crying so much.

"Uh oh," Lyssa muttered to me, biting her lip in anticipation for the rest of the story. Jess and Lyssa hadn't been sleeping like I thought when I dumped my baggage in the car. Instead, they were quiet until Lyssa started to mutter under breath about how much it sucked.

"She asked me what's wrong but I just shrugged it off. She knows it must be something big though," I sighed softly, leaning my head on Kara's shoulder.

"She doesn't seem like the type to push though," Kara told me as a face off occurred in the Gophers end, Tony's line on the ice.

"Yeah, she's pretty chill. I just hope she doesn't mention it to Tony."

We fell silent as the Gophers rushed the puck up, dumping it in, the puck ringing around the boards until it was on Tony's side of the ice. I watched, my eyes wide as Tony went in for the puck, having no idea that there was a Maverick player behind him, ready to hit him the second his stick touched the puck. And oh boy did he hit him. He nailed Tony's lowered body into the boards as I watched helplessly from the stands. Tony's head smacked against the wall after his helmet came off, bouncing off the dasher of the boards as he crumpled to the ice, holding his head in his hands. I gasped loudly, the air being cut in my lungs as I stared down at Tony.

"Get up. Oh my god, please get up." I whimpered out, my hand covering my mouth, my impending problem completely gone from my mind as Tony pulled himself into a kneel, shaking his head before getting to his feet. He immediately started mouthing off to the Maverick player that hit him, his lips curled into a nasty sneer as his teammates fought with everyone else on the ice, keeping the refs occupied.

"Tony, shut up!" I exclaimed, watching as one of the Mavericks tried to lunge at him, but the ref had a tight grip on him. Eventually, Tony shook his head, putting a hand up to his forehead and skating back to the bench with his broken helmet in hand. I shook my head as I watched him conversing with the trainer before they disappeared into the tunnel, away from my line of sight. "Ton.."

"It's just a precaution I'm sure, he'll be out for the third," Jess mused to me.

But she was wrong. When the Gophers returned to the ice in the third period, Tony was not amongst those who skated out. Instead, he was outside of the Gophers locker room, watching the game from below already dressed in his warm ups. I grabbed my phone from my purse, sending him a text.

Are you okay?

My leg bounced impatiently as I waited for him to answer. My eyes stayed glued to his body as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, reading it and glancing up to the stands. My pone vibrated instantly in my hand.

Where are you?

I immediately texted my reply, watching as he once again looked up, his eyes scanning over the numbers of the sections before counting down the rows until our eyes met. He smiled softly at me, the look not meeting his eyes as he walked to the stairs that would bring him up to me. I sighed in relief when I saw him come down our section, moving through the girlfriends until he came to my seat, lifting me up and settling me down into his lap.

"My head," was all he said to me, kissing my neck softly. My eyebrows lowered in pain as I took his face in my hands, kissing his lips softly.

"Are you okay?" I asked him. He shook his head, watching as his teammates continued to get into scrums down on the ice. I was surprised at how honest he was about his pain. That meant he was definitely not okay. "I'll make it better. I'll give you a back rub, honey."

"How about I give you one? You look sad," he observed, licking his lips as he surveyed my swollen eyes. He pulled my face down, placing two kisses on my eyelids, one on each. "What's up sweetie?"

"Nothing, I was just worried about you," I played it off, earning a scolding look from Kara. I settled into Tony's arms, laying my aching head on his shoulder as he watched his teammates get pumpled on the ice. His arms around me was exactly the kind of courage and strength I needed. Tony didn't know it, but at the moment, he was keeping me strong. He was holding me up when I wasn't able to hold myself up.

Tony dropped his head in the crook of my neck, placing a soft kiss on the smooth skin. "You don't need to worry about me and you definitely shouldn't be crying about it. I'm alright." He assured me, his lips touching my cheek affectionately. I looked at him, telling him with my eyes that I needed him to kiss me, for reassurance of both the fact that he was okay and the fact that he loved me. Because maybe if he loved me enough, he would help me through this.

"I love you," he murmured to me, as he kissed me tenderly. I sighed softly, a single tear trailing down my cheek and slipping onto Tony's. "It's alright. Everything is going to be alright."I shook my head as my thee friends nodded with me, all of them my support system. And God knows I would need them.
***

Later that night, I laid next to Tony, unable to sleep from the thousands of thoughts that ran through my head. I couldn't stop thinking about Tony and how weird he looked. His eyes were very dull and he kept having a far off look on his face as if he wasn't quite all there. I asked him before he got on the bus if he was hurt, but he told me not to worry about it before he climbed on to the bus. When he got home though, he confessed to having a concussion. It made me nervous, how he wasn't acting like himself and how he kept holding his head in his hands. He looked sick too, almost as sick as I felt when he told me about his injury. Those were nasty things.

A knock on the door sounded in the middle of my thoughts along with a soft whisper of "Molly" echoing through the quiet house. I quickly got out of bed, trying not to jostle it so that Tony would stay asleep and it wouldn't give him an even worse headache. I walked out of Tony's room, shutting the door softly to be met face to face with Kara.

"What?" I whispered to her, the hockey house silent and dark, every movement and sound feeling like a loud interruption to the silence.

"Here." She thrust a target bag into my hands, letting me grab a hold of it before she pushed me to the bathroom where Lyssa and Jess were waiting outside the door, both with sleepy looks on their faces. I tried to smile at them as I flipped the bathroom light on, stepping in and opening the bag, flipping through the contents. I choose one of the ten pregnancy tests, ripping it open and looking down at it. I bit my lip and went to the toilet, doing my business quickly on that stick and three other ones, all different brands.

I set them on the counter, chomping on the soft flesh of my bottom lip, opening the door for my friends to come in. They all slipped in, Jess sitting on the edge of the bathtub, Lyssa sitting against the door, and Kara leaning against the counter. I sat on the toilet seat, looking at each of their faces and trying not to cry.

"I'm scared you guys. I don't think I could handle it if that says I'm pregnant." I told them truthfully.

"It will be okay either way; you'll have us." Kara soothed me, rubbing a hand over my back like a mother comforting a baby. I cringed at that analogy, realizing that might be my future. Tears slipped down my cheeks as my strong walls of denial broke with each passing second. The tests would give me a definite answer to all the questions that had been zooming through my head the past week. I didn't want to know the answer, but at the same time, I didn't have a choice. I needed to know because if it was positive, I needed to figure out my plan. I prayed it was negative, needing to be let off the hook just once in my life. I would change, I would be more careful, make sure Tony always had protection. I was pretty sure we had always used some, but I wasn't positive. Oh, another bad analogy.

I sucked my cheeks in, chewing on the sides of my mouth as Kara's phone counted down the minutes for me. The clock hit two minutes, the first three passing by hours as a door down the hall opened up. We all looked at each other with wide eyes, praying that it was anybody but Tony. A soft knock happened and Jake Cepis' rough voice came through.

"Dude, I need to get in the bathroom." He grumbled. Lyssa rolled her eyes, opening the door and flicking him off.

"Go outside, Molly is barfing her guts out."

"Shit, ew. Should I get Ton?"

"No!" We all screeched at the same time, including me. I clasped my hands over my mouth as he tried to see in.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, he needs to sleep after what happened today. His brain needs healing," Jess told him, pushing the door shut along with Lyssa. We all let out sighs of relief as Kara's phone hit one minute.

The last minute, I swear I didn't breathe. My lungs were incapable of bringing air in as I headed pedal to the medal down the road to hyperventilation. I was so nervous. My stomach did flips in my body, going up and down even as I tried to think of soothing things, like how my boyfriend was sleeping in the other room and after this minute was over, I'd be able to crawl into bed with him. It was good to know, I told myself. Because not knowing is the worst feeling in the world. It's better to get a final answer than spend the next couple days or weeks, wondering into the wee hours of the morning like I already did. Kara's arms wrapped around my shoulders as the clock hit 30 seconds.

"No matter what those tests say, I'm here." She whispered softly, her hand running over my hair as I cried silently. My face was turned towards the mirror and I stared at my pale and pathetic expression, hating how young and fragile I looked. It was almost like if I was dropped, I would shatter into a million pieces. My heart ached as the seconds ticked by like hours. My heart started to pulse painfully once the last ten seconds came, the anxiety clouding my mind with negative thoughts as my lips tingled in anticipation, adrenaline moving through my veins. My hands shook as the timer went off, Kara raising an eyebrow at me expectantly. I shook my head at her, tears falling down my face. She nodded, silently telling me she would look for me.

She took a deep breath, walking the step to the counter and picking up each one of the sticks, reading it carefully. I watched her face as her eyes scanned over the first one, not getting any sort of clue as she did the same with the other two, keeping her face neutral. It wasn't until she spoke that I knew what the results were.

"Everything will definitely be okay." She smiled at me, holding the three tests to me with the results turned towards me. "You're not pregnant."

I started balling as my three friends rushed to me, wrapping their arms around me as I cried happily, never experiencing such relief in my life. I laughed as they all told me how they totally didn't think I was, even though they were all full of shit. I grinned at Kara, wrapping my arms around her tightly and thanking her for being there. I did the same with the other two as Kara grabbed the sticks, stuffing them in the box to dispose of them so none of the boys would see them.

"Thank you guys. Seriously." I breathed out, wiping under my eyes, but unable to do the same with the relieved smile. Jess and Lyssa nodded, leaving Kara and I in the bathroom as they headed back to their respective boyfriends. I turned to my best friend who was giving me a sympathetic smile.

"Molly, just because you aren't doesn't mean you shouldn't tell Tony you had a scare." She told me, giving me a stern look.

"Yeah, I know." I nodded.

"Good because Tony loves you, and he does have a right to know." She reminded me as we walked down the hall, our voices fading to soft murmurs.

"Yeah, he does," I agreed with her.

"Mkay. Good night, love." She squeezed my hand as we came to Tony's room. I slipped through the door after saying my own goodnight. I shut the door softly, looking across the room to my boyfriend who was still fast asleep. He was curled up to my pillow, probably thinking it was me in his sleep. His arms tightened around is when I tried to remove it from his grasp. I giggled softly, kissing his cheek and then along his arms.

"Tony, baby, let go." I cooed softly to him., grasping his arms.

"No..." He muttered to me, swatting at my hands in his sleep. I laughed loudly, not able to hold it back as he began to awake. He squinted at me in the dark, his eyes looking dull and sleepy. "Fuck, my head." he whimpered softly, grabbing it with both of his hands.

"I'm sorry, but you had my pillow." I told him, laying down as he rolled onto his stomach, his hand being thrown over mine.

"Why weren't you in bed laying on it?" He wondered, throwing his pillow off the bed and placing his head on top of my chest. He snuggled against my ample chest, pressing his nose in between my breasts.

"I had to pee." I told him truthfully. "And you're lucky you have a concussion. Look at you, snuggling into my cleavage."

"I like it, lots." He grinned, snapping his teeth at my left breast. I rolled my eyes and patted his head as he stopped squirming, his head giving him too many problems. "This sucks." He whispered softly. "I have to take my Impact test tomorrow. If I don't pass, they won't let me play."

"There is nothing wrong with missing games for injuries, Anthony." I scolded him, running my nails lightly over his scalp.

"I know, but I just don't want to sit out. I need to be there and do what I can for the team."

"You won't be doing anything if you're not feeling well, baby. Or if you're brain dead."

"That won't happen."

"That's what everyone says, my dear." I whispered softly as my eyes began to close. I was tired and completely drained from the past couple minutes and the past week. Now that I knew I was in the clear, I was able to relax, the stress catching up to me. Tony began to mumble softly to me, going on and on about how bad his head hurt and how he was going to kick that stupid fucker's ass for taking a cheap shot at him. I just let him go, trying not to laugh as his voice got softer and softer until his words were replaced be a soft snore.

"Sleep tight, baby boy." I whispered to him, dropping a kiss on the top of his head before snuggling into the pillow.

Finally, for the first time in weeks, I fell asleep with the reassurance that everything would be okay.