Everything I've Ever Wanted

Tony was mad at me. I could tell. The words weren't coming out of his mouth, but his body language said everything. We were in Econ, his legs spread and purposely not touching mine as he slouched down in his chair. He raised his hands over his head, fingers laced and resting on the back of his neck. And if any of that didn't give me a clue, it was the nasty snarl he had on his face. His lips were pulled tight and his breathing was heavy. And just faintly, I could have sworn I saw steam rolling from his ears.

I bit the corner of my lip as I glanced over to him for a moment. He saw it, closing his eyes and shaking his head at me. I turned to Kara, widening my eyes to her. She shrugged, not interested in my boyfriend's behavior. I blew out a sigh, raking my fingers through my hair and focusing back on my computer. I contemplated setting my hand on Tony's thigh but decided against it, not with how rigid his body language was. Tony had walked into class completely and totally ticked off. His face said it all, the snarl he still held gracing his features along with the huff he let out when I said hello to him.

Class ended and all three of us packed our stuff up, heading out of the auditorium in silence. Tony took on a quick pace, probably on purpose as Kara and I lagged behind.

"He's definitely pissed at me." I sighed, letting him disappear into the crowd.

"I wonder why..." Kara trailed off, shrugging her shoulders delicately.

"You think he knows?"

"I know he does. Mike told me, and he said Ton found out in the locker room from Cepis."

"I thought he didn't see anything?" I argued to her, huffing as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Apparently he did."

"Fuck. It's bad enough he didn't find out from me, but now he found out from one of his teammates."

"Mike said he got really quiet and then he started ripping his equipment off, and chucking it into his locker pretty forcefully. Then, he threw his workout stuff on and went to lift. I guess he was at the rink another two hours, running and lifting until he was too exhausted to do it anymore."

"Well at least him being pissed will transfer onto the ice," I tried, shaking my head at how pathetic I sounded.

"I don't know, but he totally needs to cool off before you talk." Kara told me as we stopped at a street light. "I'm going to head to the hockey house, wanna come?"

"No, Tony has class."

"Exactly. So come over and we'll try to gage how he's feeling from his teammates who have to deal with him everyday."

"When did he find out?" I wondered.

"Yesterday."

"Figures," I huffed, shaking my head again.

We headed across the street and towards the hockey house, the only sounds between us were our footfalls against the slick ground. We climbed the porch to the house we had become accustom too, slipping off our shoes after letting ourselves in.

"Mike! I'm here," Kara called.

"Up here babe," he yelled from the living room down to where we stood in the entry way. We trudged up the stairs, seeing all the roomies of the house except Tony, lounging around and watching a replay of the previous nights' Wild game.

"Hey Molly." They all called, some of them looking right at my stomach. I rolled my eyes as I plopped down next to Jake Cepis, telling all the boys there were looking at nothing but muscle.

"In my defense, I thought you would have told him," he started, trying to avoid looking me in the eye.

"Obviously not. So tell me, on a scale of 1-10, how pissed is he?"

"11." Joey called from across the room. "I asked him about it last night; he got so worked up he started swearing like a sailor, and threw his phone across the room."

"Great." I groaned.

"Tony has a point you know. You should have told him," Jordan pipped in. I looked over at him with a sad and tired expression.

"He's just offended that you didn't feel the need to confide in him," David shrugged.

"It wasn't that. He was/is so stressed about hockey and school. How could I add unnecessary problems to his list?"

"I get that, but he's still your boyfriend and he deserves to know what's going on." Joey shook his head in disagreement with me.

I sighed and nodded, sinking back into the couch. The conversation died after that, all of them going into their own side conversations until the group began to break up. David and Joey headed to class; Kara and Mike left to get some lunch and Aaron decided to invite himself and Jake along. Jordan went to meet a friend for lunch also, leaving me alone in the hockey house to wait for Tony. I seriously considered leaving, but decided to ride it out and confront him sooner rather than later. I just hoped he was in a better mood than he was this morning.

Tony came home a half hour after the house cleared out, opening the door and kicking his shoes off. He muttered to himself as he climbed the stairs, throwing his backpack on the ground. He barely glanced at me before walking into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge. He walked back in, taking a couple hearty swigs from the bottle before he sat down on the chair across the room from me. The TV filled the silence, seemingly only awkward from my perspective. I pursed my lips, flicking my tongue over them nervously as I exchanged a glance with Tony.

"What?" He asked me, his voice menacing.

"Nothing." I squeaked out, intimidated by him and his anger.

Tony and I hadn't really been angry at each other. No, in our short relationship, we had stayed neutral through everything. We had little disagreements and arguments but we had never been so mad at each other that we retorted to nasty looks and tones. He rolled his eyes at me, looking back to the TV where Sportcenter was playing out on the screen. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back on the back of the couch, looking up at the ceiling as tears stung my eyes at Tony's obvious distaste to my presence.

Tony finished his water in a couple more gulps, chucking the empty bottle hard at the wall, watching as it bounced off the wall with a large amount of force. I swallowed loudly, looking over at him, his green eyes darkened with anger. I whimpered softly, wishing Kara or someone was here with me. I didn't want to be alone with Tony right now. I turned to look at the clock, relief practically knocking me to my knees when I saw it was time for me to leave so I could catch my next class. I stood up, grabbing my back pack from the floor next to my feet and heading towards the door. I didn't bother saying goodbye to my boyfriend, figuring I would barely get a grumble in response.

"Where are you going?" Tony asked me from the top of the stairs as I slipped on my shoes.

"Class."

"No, I want to talk to you." He told me sternly as his green eyes hardened. I pursed my lips in response and raised an eyebrow.

"It can't wait?"

"No, I think it's waited long enough." He bit back, an undeniable snap to his voice. I licked my top lip slowly and looked down at my black Nike's, squishing the toe into the tile, and trying to avoid his gaze. He refused to let me get away with it though, lifting my chin with his pointer finger. My breath caught in my throat when I saw how angry he was, no barriers to hold back his emotions from me this time. "Molly, go sit in the living room. I'll be right in there." He demanded to me, walking past me and out into the cold winter air. He was going to cool off, that much was obvious.

Slipping my shoes off, I followed Tony's orders and went back into the living room, curling up on the couch with his fleece blanket, holding the soft material to my face and wiping away the wetness that tracked down my face because of his hostile behavior. But I knew I deserved this, his hostility, and his anger. I deserved it because I should have done what Kara said, I should have told him that night, or the next day. No matter how much I wanted to put the ownace on Jake, I knew he should have found out from me.

The front door swung open again, shutting softly before Tony came back up the stairs, his face flushed as he sat down next to me on the couch. My shoulders tensed in response to his anger, a shiver rolling down my spine at his rough touch on my arm, turning me to look at him. I wished he wouldn't have because it seemed like he had gotten even more upset in the couple seconds he had been next to me.

"I honest to God can't believe you didn't tell me, and before you try to play the stupid card, don't. Because you know exactly what I'm talking about." He started, his voice reminding me of Dakota when she first saw Tony walk in the house. I bit my lip as I looked at him, speechless with the anger I saw in his green eyes.

"I-"

"I'm not done." He cut me off, holding up his hand and closing his eyes while shaking his head. "Out of all the people you considered telling, you told your friends, over me, the one person who was involved in that situation?" He snapped at me, his eyes flying open as his grip on my arm tightened to an uncomfortable grip. I squirmed against his hold, wanting him to let go before he bruised my arm.

"Tony, I'm sorry-"

"You should be sorry!" He exclaimed, letting go of my arm as he exploded, standing up and flailing his arms. "I had more of a right to know than Jess, Kara, and Lyssa all combined! I'm your boyfriend! It would have been MY kid, or at least I'm assuming." He added the last part to take a direct hit at my heart, creating a puncture wound so big I had to put my hand over my chest as if that would take away the stinging of the hit.

"Ton-"

"No, just shut up. There is nothing you can say that is going to take away the fact that you lied to me. You didn't tell me what was going on and had me thing that you were sick. But you knew there was a possibility that it wasn't a sickness, instead it could have been a fucking kid. A FUCKING KID. But you know what, I've done a lot of thinking since I found out, from Cepis of course, not you, and I've come to the conclusion that this is bullshit. Fucking bullshit that you would lie to me about that."

"Tony!" I screamed at him, tears forming in my eyes as he glared down at me. "I'm sorry okay!? I'm sorry that I lied to you, but I didn't think it mattered. I didn't want to get you all worked up if it turned out to be nothing, which it did, so I didn't think it would matter." I finished in a whisper as he rolled his eyes and scoffed at me.

"When it comes to you, and me possibly becoming a fucking father, it always matters."

"If I would have known you would be this upset-"

"You should have known. We've been together long enough that you should know that I care about you and that I want to know what's going on. Don't even play that fucking card with me." He opened his mouth to say more, but a couple tears slipped down my cheeks and he stopped, but he made no move to comfort me. "You know what? I just really need some time away from you because I'm so incredible pissed that you didn't trust me enough to talk to me about this, and I'm saying a lot of things that have so much truth behind them, it's scaring me. I'm so close to just ending this whole thing, but I do love you." I shook my head at the last part, thinking if he really loved me he would have listened to me, or reached out to comfort me, but instead, he shook his head and walked down the stairs and out of the house, the door slamming in his wake.

The sobs broke loose from my throat as I collapsed onto the couch in a fit of tears. I cried because I wished I would have listened to Kara and told him. I cried because everything he said hurt, like hell. And because I was pretty sure I might have just lost him. A hand on my back made me scream in surprise and in pain, because I was hurting so much that any sort of comfort hurt, even the words I spoke to try and console myself. I looked through my tears at Jess who had walked into the house.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her, pursing my lips to try and stop the sounds of heartbreak.

"I came to surprise Jordan. Tony looks about as distraught as you." She whispered, gathering me into her arms.

"He hates me. I thought he would hate me if I was pregnant, but no. This is so much worse."

"Shh, it's okay. He's upset, but that doesn't change how much he loves you." I shook my head at her words.

"No, he hates me. No matter what he says, the look in his eyes says so much more than his mouth ever will."
***

Saturday night I sat in the stands with Kara, Lyssa, Jess, and Viki, looking blankly to the ice as the Gophers warmed up. My eyes didn't try to find the guy with the number 12 on his back, no instead I stared right down at the seat in front of me, trying to figure out how to make things better with Tony. But with the lack of contact from him, I knew he was still very very mad at me. Actually, mad and angry probably didn't even add up to what it was. No, instead it was a whole new feeling that needed to be created, whatever it is, enter it here.

I hadn't seen or heard Tony since he walked out of the hockey house on Tuesday afternoon, storming out without even looking back at his broken and sobbing girlfriend. He hadn't shown up to our Econ class on Thursday nor had he reached out to me at home. It was sad being alone all the time, I didn't realize what a presence Tony had been in my life until he was gone. I thought he was done with me, completely shutting me out of his life, until I woke up yesterday morning to find his jersey and a ticket to the game tomorrow, his sloppy hand writing telling me I left his jersey at his house last weekend. That had to be a sign, I told myself, maybe there is hope after all. But when Kara suggested after last night's game that I didn't wait for Tony, I understood that it was her way of telling me he didn't want to have any contact with me.

I blew out a sigh and shook my head at the tears that were burning my eyes, refusing to give him the satisfaction of me crying in public. My fingers raked through my hair nervously as the crowd chanted "Hey! Drop the puck!" I didn't join in like the other girlfriends, too wrapped up in myself to be supportive of the team. After much begging from the fans, the puck finally did drop and the second game of the second Gophers vs North Dakota game was under way.

The game went in typical fashion, lots of hits, lots of shots, and lots of fights I tried to get invested, to push myself out of my sad little cocoon and into the game, losing myself in a sport that had always been there for me when people weren't. But my heart and head were somewhere else, either on the ice or on the bench with a certain forwards who wore the C and had his dad behind the bench with him.

I wished the Gophers weren't playing the Sioux this weekend, not when Tony was pissed at me and I couldn't make sure he was okay. No, I wished they would have saved me the several mini heart attacks as Tony got checked and slashed. But the Gophers were winning and looking to add as Tony blocked a shot in his end, scooping the puck onto his stick.

"Tony!" I screamed, gripping onto Kara's hand as he flew down the ice on a break away. He protected the puck, shielding it from the defeneseman that was trying desperately to poke check him. Tony wouldn't have it though as he quickly move it to his backhand, flipping it into the net.

"YES!!!!!!" I screamed, my vocal cords straining as I tried to scream loud enough for him to hear me as he did his celebration, his fist pump to the ice, grinning as his teammates mobbed him against the bench. Mariucci arena flew from their seats, screaming the Minnesota rouser with pride. I yelled it out, grinning as Tony settled into the bench, watching his replay on the scoreboard.

"That was a pretty goal. I'm sure dedicated to an equally pretty girl," Kara nudged my shoulder, making me smile back sadly. I doubted it. But I shrugged anyway in agreement.

I settled back into my seat, a small smile fixated on my face even if we weren't on the best of terms. I looked over two sections to where his mom sat, still clapping her hands, beaming down at her son. I bit my lip and shook my head at the woman who was starting to feel like my mom also. I ignored the negative part of me that nagged about how I might not be able to have a relationship with her.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I set my eyes back on the game, watching Tony fly around the ice, something he was prone to do every game he scored. He would turn it on to a whole nother level, speeding all over the ice and throwing his body around. I cringed as he came in contact with a Sioux player gasping as the guy went after Tony, wrapping his stick around him and flipping him over. Tony's head smacked against the ice and he stayed down for a second, shaking his head as he stood up. Visions of him with his concussion swarmed my head, how he was healed, but it wouldn't take much to hand him another one. But he looked alright, swarming around the ice like a working bee again.

I sat back, letting myself relax for the moment as the 2nd period ending. The Gophers up 4-0. It was a relief to see their hard work starting to pay off. They were on a tear, starting to become the team they were always supposed to be. It was refreshing and it gave me hope that maybe if they could hold on, Tony would be in a good mood and want to talk. But even if he did, I didn't have anything to say. But just before I could actually relax the third period began and flew by as the Gopher continued to dominate. The Sioux brought the puck into the zone, setting it up for an opportunity to get one on the board.

I watched the play go from the right defensemen to the left defensemen, tensing when Tony got down, the puck hitting him and he immediately released his stick from his right hand shaking it as he flipped the puck down the rink. The defensemen who's shot he blocked came at him, rubbing his head into the ice as Tony laid defenseless on the ice, holding his hand. The whistle blew, signaling a penalty on the Sioux player who roughed Tony up.

"What the fuck!" I screamed down at the ice, fuming as the player skated to the box. "You're a piece of shit!" Normally I wasn't one for screaming down at the ice, I was pretty chill, but when it came to my boyfriend, the wrath would be let loose if you touched him. Angry or not, he was mine and nobody was allowed to treat him like that.

"Settle down," Kara tugged on me as people stared, some glaring slightly at the swear words that were filtering from my mouth. I licked my lips and watched as Tony skated very slowly to the bench, holding his injured hand in his other hand. I whimpered softly, squeezing Kara's hand as she murmured softly in reassurance.

"He's going to be fine. He's a warrior," Jess consoled me. I nodded to her, fluttering my eyes to dry the tears. I hated it when he got hurt, the last game at North Dakota showed me how nervous I got when anyone went after him and watching the same team do it again, made my blood boil.

The game ended with the Gophers taking three out of four points from the Sioux, letting them earn a little more respect from their upcoming opponents. The Gophers might not have been at the top of the league this year, but they damn well deserved some credit for how hard they worked. Kara nudged me as Mariucci started to empty out, standing up with the other three girlfriends.

"Do you want to come?" She wondered, biting her lip.

"No, I think I'm just going to go home." I told her, standing up and grabbing my purse. I walked with them until they headed to the players exit, while I went out the general one, hugging them all and waving goodbye. "Tell Ton I said good game," I tried to smile at Kara but failed.

"I will," she assured me before I walked out of Mariucci in the bitter cold. I folded my arms around my body as I walked along the slick sidewalk, sniffing because of the cold that was making my nose run, or maybe it was the tears that filtered down. I walked past the player's cars and noticed some of the players were already leaving the arena; tDon's talk much have gone fast. I scanned the faces for Tony but only seeing Cade Fairchild and Jake Cepis. I waved to Jake who waved back.

"Hey! Party at the hockey house in an hour." He called.

"Drink something for me," I yelled back as I kept walking towards my house.

I tucked my chin into the collar of my jacket to protect myself from the wind. My feet hit the pavement at steady footfalls as I carefully looked down watching for ice so that I could walk with caution when need be. I turned onto my street, picking my pace up to a brisk walk and ignoring the slippery ground because my teeth were starting to chatter. Turning into my driveway, I pulled my keys out of my purse and looked up to my porch. I froze in my spot, my eyes landing on Tony who sat on the porch, a bouquet of pink and yellow roses in his hands. I took a hesitant step forward, and then another until I was at the bottom of the porch steps and he was on the top one. He blew out a deep sigh and ran a hand through his hair sheepishly. He had already changed, I observed, trading his suit in for a pair of jeans, a sweater, and glasses to cover his green eyes.

"I'm an asshole, and I fucked up big time." He admitted right off the bat as I climbed the three steps in between us and plopped down on the porch on the jacket he had laid down for protection against the wet porch. "And I am fully willing to get down on my knees and beg for your forgiveness even though I don't deserve that."

"I don't really deserve yours either. You were right; you did have a right to know. But I was so wrapped up in the fact that I wasn't that I didn't stop to think about how you would feel about it." I shrugged, fiddling with the keys in my hands.

"No. You need mine. Baby, I am so sorry, honest to God, I've never been so upset over something I've said before. I pride myself on not being that guy, the one who makes his girlfriend cry and does absolutely nothing to make it better. And I did that to you, and it hurts like hell." He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and squeezed me tightly, placing a soft kiss against my temple. "Did I hurt you when I grabbed you?" He asked me, his hand carefully brushing over my arm where I had a bruise in the shape of his hand.

I didn't say anything just sighed, leaning my head against his chest. He slipped his arms under my legs and behind my back, scooping me up and carrying me into the house after unlocking it. He brought me to my room, setting me on my bed and taking off my jacket. He pushed the sleeve of his jersey up, his eyes scanning my left arm for the bruise. He found it immediately, his eyes closing as he shook his head, dropping his lips to it and kissing it tenderly.

"Fuck," he muttered, dropping his head into my lap as I laced my fingers through his hair.

"It's alright. You were mad."

"No. Do not defend my actions. That is not okay, it's never okay for me to do this to you," he growled, not at me but at himself. He ran his fingers over it, before placing his lips against it again. He sucked some of the already bruised skin into his mouth, his tongue trailing lightly over it. He did this on and around the bruise until he had caressed it enough where it looked more like a love bite than an actual black and blue bruise from a strong grip. "Babe, I'm sorry." He whispered again, his hands coming to the side of my neck and gently pulling my face down to his. He rested our foreheads together and I nodded to him, a tear slipping from my eyes. His thumb stopped it before the water trailed all the way down my cheek.

"I'm glad you can at least look at me now," I murmured, referring to the couple times I had seen him around campus but he had ignored me.

"Molly, what I did wasn't fair to you, and I'm not going to justify my actions. But I do want to talk to you. I think... I think we should take a break. Things have been really tough for us and I think, no, I know it would benefit us if we just spent some time apart to refocus. You may not see the positives of this right now, but I can, and I want to do whatever I can to make things better between us." He pushed out, trying to be as nice and sweet about it as he could be.

"Fuck. I should have just told you, then none of this would have happened," I complained, kicking myself for being such a moron.

"No, it also has to do with Dakota. You're obviously still having a hard time with it."

"Yeah," I admitted, pushing out a deep sigh. "So, a break? What does that mean?" I had always thought breaks were pointless, but if this was a way for Tony to forgive me and for us to get back to the way we were, I was all for it.

"I don't want to see other people. I don't want anyone else touching you or loving on you. That's my job."

"So you still want to be my boyfriend?" I asked him, trying to figure out where this was going.

"Yeah, just without, the, um, sex." My mouth dropped open in shock, not registering what he had just said.

"What? Did you really just suggest no sex?" I asked in amazement.

"Yeah, sex has been the main cause of our problems, Dakota, the pregnancy thing." He ran a hand through his hair and looked over at me. "Things just really need to cool off. We went so fast in the beginning and look at where that got us. We need to just take a step back and reevaluate what we want, because I don't really know what I want anymore."

"So what you're really trying to say is that you don't want me?" I snapped at him, standing up and reaching for the door handle.

"No! No, Molly, that's not what I meant. When I found out you thought you were pregnant, it made me think about my future and what I really wanted. I want a wife, I want kids, but I also want to graduate from college and have a steady income so that I can provide for my family."

"You don't think I want all of that too? Of course I do. I don't want to have a baby out of wedlock, I think my parents would die and I know yours wouldn't exactly like that." I stopped and sighed, seeing where Tony was coming from. Things were tense, we never would have started fighting about this a couple weeks ago. "Okay, I get it. I see what you mean and I've known about it too, but damn it Tony, I don't want to lose you." I told him, my bottom lip quivering as I threw my arms around his neck, letting him hoist me into his arms.

"You won't baby girl. This is for us, to make things better, so that we can move on. We both have to deal with our shit separtely before we can do it together." He kissed my temple tenderly, his lips lingering as a tear slipped down my cheek and soaking into his sweater.

"How long is this going to last?" I wondered.

"Until we can both focus on each other and not the past or the could have been." He told me, setting me back on my feet. I nodded as his hand wiped the tear away, smiling down at me and kissing my cheek. "We'll be fine." He parted with, giving my hand a final squeeze before he walked from the room, heading back home, without me. I shook my head and stared out the window as he disappeared around the street corner, hoping that he wasn't also disappearing from my life. I know the blame wasn't fully on her, but I put the blame on Dakota, cursing her for ever walking into that party.