Everything I've Ever Wanted

“Are you going to finish that?” Kara asked me, reaching for my half eaten milkshake. I glanced at her with tired eyes and shook my head, pushing the metal can towards her. “Yay!” She grinned, scooping up a spoon full of the creamy goodness
 
Five days. It had been five days since Tony walked out of my house. Five days since he bothered to talk to or acknowledge me. The last part wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have a class with him, but I did. Words couldn’t describe how hard it was to watch Tony take a seat by the door in Econ, deliberately away from me. He never turned to see if I was in class. He kept his eyes focused on the teacher, and made sure to leave before I had a chance to catch up with him. His non-verbals were killing me. It was painful to watch him be so disinterested with me. I was still his girlfriend, right? Isn’t that what he said that night; wasn’t that part of the deal?
 
I sighed loudly, my shoulders heaving with my lungs as I tore my gaze from out the window and to my friend who was staring back at me. I shrugged, running my finger through my pony tail, tugging at the knots that were present. Kara didn’t take her eyes off of me though, the steel of them setting me on edge.
 
“Lucia better shape up,” she finally spoke, her eyes squinting as she said his name. “Although I agree you need some time apart, he doesn’t need to be a dick about it. He should still talk to you.”
 
“I know, but that’s his decision and I’m just going to go with it.” I told her, biting my lip as we stood up, gathering our belongings and paying for the check. We silently walked out of the restaurant and into the biting winter air, our bones being frozen the second we stepped from the warmth.
 
“I get that, but at least don’t let him dictate what you do. Let’s go out this weekend, get a hot outfit and blow him out of the water.” Kara suggested, her eyes shinning at me as I looked back at her with uncertainty. “It will be fun. Don’t you want Tony to be jealous? Remember the last time? When that guy hit on you and he punched him out?”
 
“You didn’t even see that.”
 
“No, but I heard about it.”
 
“I don’t know. Isn’t that… childish?” I questioned as we came to the intersection that we would need to split up at.
 
“Isn’t his behavior childish too?”
 
“Touche.” I muttered.
 
“Look, all I’m saying is that you let Tony say what you couldn’t do on the break. Why not show him that rules don’t apply to the victim.” She winked at me, her mouth turning up coyly. I grinned back at her and nodded, agreeing with what she was saying.

“Alright, but I don’t have anything Tony hasn’t seen me in.” I bit my lip as her eyes it up.
 
“Yeah, but you have your dad’s credit card, right?” She grinned back at me. A slow smile stretched my lips as I nodded, knowing that some retail therapy could work wonders for me.
 
“Yes, I do. Let’s go get Jess!” I squealed.
**
 
“This makes me look fat,” I complained to Kara and Jess as I slid my hands down my sides, trying to unbunch the stretchy fabric of a yellow top I had on. “And yellow isn’t my color.” I ripped the top off before even showing them, throwing it on the floor of the dressing room.
 
“I doubt it looked that bad,” Jess called to me. She was here for the weekend for the Badger/Gopher series to cheer on Jordan, but also, silently of course, root for her favorite hockey team.
 
“Trust me, it was not attractive.” I pulled on a black top instead, a baby doll that hugged my body in all the right ways, beads covering my cleavage and down the sides to add a tint of color and sparkle to the boring color. Now this, this looked very good. “I think I found one,” I squealed, opening the door and coming out to show them. They both looked up from their phones, grinning back at me as they took in my appearance.
 
“Definitely,” Kara grinned. “Wear it with those jeans too. And your black knee high boots!”
 
“You think? Because I know Tony’s a sucker for high heels,” I smiled, remembering the time at the hockey house where I walked in with heels on with my jeans. I had barely made it up the stairs before he whisked me into his room, lavishing me and commanding me to keep the heels on. “They’re sexy,” he had told me, his tongue running down the crease of my neck.
 
“Then go with the heels.” Jess nodded.
 
An hour later, we walked out of the mall with bags on each arm, all of us throwing our money into an outfit that made us feel beautiful and sexy all at the same time. I walked with an air of confidence, knowing that my outfit hugged every single one of my curves; the curves Tony always bragged about how much he loved. He wouldn’t know what hit him, and if he was still going to play games with me, then some other boy would appreciate it, and that would send Tony over the edge.
 
My phone vibrated in my jacket pocket as I unlocked the trunk of my SUV, piling my bags into it. I reached for my phone as Kara and Jess loaded their purchases into the trunk also. I shut the trunk, walking to the driver’s side and hopping into the car. I started the car and blasted the heat, opening the new text without looking.
 
Are you coming to the game tonight? I need to know so I can leave you a ticket.
 
I squinted my eyes at it before I glanced at the name, my stomach dropping to the floor of the car when I saw Bubs, my nickname for Tony when I wanted to be cute with him. I bit my lip and looked over at Kara, my mouth dropping open.
 
“What the heck?” I squeaked out, reading the text once more before handing it to Kara as I pulled out of the parking lot. “So he’s not going to talk to me for like a week and then he’s going to randomly text me to see if he’s coming to my game?”
 
“He asked you?” Jess flew up from the back seat, looking over Kara’s shoulder to the read the text message. “What? Who does that?”
 
“That’s what I’m asking.” I snorted, feeling a tad bit annoyed that our first contact in a couple days was via text. But at the same time, I welcomed it with open arms. So he did know I still existed.
 
“What are you going to say?” Kara asked, “do you want to go?”
 
“I don’t know.” I mumbled, “I mean really, does he even want me there, or is he just doing it to save face for his mother?” Kara shrugged and I told her to just tell him I didn’t know.
 
We sat silently as I drove, Kara and Jess both looking down at my phone anxiously to see what Tony would say. I felt like I was back in high school again, waiting for a response as to if some guy liked me or not. I hated the way my phone vibrated and my heart went into my throat as my two friends read over the message. Kara tilted the phone to me as I came to a red light, grabbing it from her.
 
Please come. It would mean a lot to me if you came. But don’t feel like you have too.
 
I bit my lip and looked over at my two friends who shrugged in response. I blew out a sigh and threw my phone into the cup holder as the light changed. I thought about my response, weighing the pros and cons to going. I mean, if I showed up, I wouldn’t actually have to be with Tony; I would just be watching him play. But showing up was like saying okay, you’ve been an asshole, but sure, I’ll support you. Why should I be supportive of him when he’s done nothing but be a jerk? But what would I do if I didn’t go? Nothing, sit at home and sulk.
 
I pulled into the driveway of Kara’s house. Kara turned to me as she unbuckled her seat belt, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “Are you going to go?” She wondered as Jess stood next to her door, waiting for my answer.
 
“I think so.”
 
“Good.” She smiled at me as she got out, grabbing her bags from Jess who had already retrieved them from the back. “We’ll see you there then?” She asked.
 
“Yeah,” I nodded. She gave me one last smile before she shut the door. I grabbed my phone, opening a new text to send to Tony.
 
Yeah. I’ll be there.
 
I barely had time to pull out of the driveway before my phone was vibrating in my cup holder again. I opened it, smiling down at his response.
 
Okay, cool. Do you still have my jersey or did you burn it. Haha.
 
I still have it.
 
I smirked as I drove down the street, pulling into my driveway before shutting the SUV and locking it. I yawned as I climbed the steps to the porch, opening the door and stepping into the warmth. I moved through the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water, throwing myself onto the couch and taking a long sip. My phone vibrated once more and I opened it, eager for anything Tony had to say.
 
Good. Wear it.
***

I walked down the section where I knew Joyce Lucia would be sitting, opting to go and sit next to my favorite mother for the first period of the game. I wanted to go talk to Joyce, see if there was any information she could give me about her son. My Uggs squeaked against the floor as I took the steps slowly, my Lucia jersey swishing about my thighs as I gripped the railing. I came to the Lucia family row, met with only Joyce sitting in her seat, doing a crossword from the paper. She glanced up at me over her glasses as the boys skated around the rink for warm ups.

"Oh hi Molly!" She exclaimed, setting the crossword on the ground and standing up to greet me. "Have a seat; I'm all alone tonight. Mar has hockey, and Jess and Ali are out with friends."

"Oh, you're going to be lonely," I murmured to her, sitting on her left side next to the aisle.

"I don't mind. It's good to be by yourself sometimes." She winked and looked to the ice where Tony missed the net on one of the shooting drills. "Oh Tony, don't be doing that in the game." She scolded softly, shaking her head at her son who definitely did not look the same on the ice. "Don said he had a bad week of practice, and he didn't come home last Sunday for dinner." I looked over at her, lowering my eyebrows. Tony didn't go home last weekend? He always went home, even when he wanted to spend time with me, he brought me home with him.

"Really?" I murmured.

"Yeah, he said something about having some homework to finish, but I guess I can't really complain about that." She sighed, watching her eldest son skate a couple circles as his teammates filed off the ice. He looked into the crowd, scanning his mom's area for a minute. He did a double take when his eyes landed on mine, an unnerving look in his eyes when he saw me sitting next to his mother. I had already come to the conclusion that Tony did not tell his mom about us. Joyce Lucia was a nice lady, but that didn't mean she wouldn't pry.

"So how is school?" She asked once Tony went into the locker room, but not before tapping fists with the kids who hung over the glass, begging for a bump from the team captain.

"It's alright. I'm getting by."

"You've only got one more semester," she pointed out

"You'd think that would make it easier to get up early, but it really doesn't." We both laughed softly and she nodded.

"I remember what it was like to be in love and still have to go through class even though you want to be with him." I chomped on my lip and nodded, agreeing with her. "So, what did you and Tony do on Valentine's Day?" She grinned at me as if she knew something I didn't. Her eyes went to my fingers, her lips pursing when she didn't find what she must have been looking for.

I was definitely in a hell of a spot. Valentine's Day happened to be the day after Tony told me we were on a break. I never got all in the hype of the Hallmark holiday but when you have a boyfriend, it's a totally different situation. I spent Valentine's Day curled up on my couch while my friends went out with their boyfriends, being lavished with dinner, back rubs, and pretty gifts. I spent the whole morning and afternoon, wallowing in my own pity until my doorbell rang, a man at the door with a gorgeous bouquet of red roses. It made my heart skip a beat as I took them, opening the card to read:

Happy Valentine's Day -Tony.

I wasn't impressed, but it was the thought that counted right? The way Joyce was acting had me very curious. What did Tony have planned for me that never happened? Fuck. Why did all of this have to occur and ruin my Valentine's Day and potentially my whole relationship. It didn't seem fair. Everything had been going so well.

"Uh- we kept it low key. We stayed in. He made me some dinner." I shrugged, trying to play it off. She tilted her head and nodded with a confused expression.

"Oh, okay. Well that sounds very fun." She smiled at me. "Did he get you anything?" She tried again, but was cut off with the sound of the rouser. I breathed a sigh and the two of us stood up, clapping along with Mariucci as the players skated around on the ice below. They lined up, Tony looking down the ice with an intense expression, one that made me weak at the knees. I wanted him to be mine again. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and not let go until he took me back, until I'm his baby girl again for real, not just because he says so. I wanted him to take me as his tonight, to make me scream out his name and tug on his hair as he showed me how much he loved me. I wanted him to tell me he loved me. But at the moment, all of that was just me living in an unhealthy fantasy world.

The starting line ups were announce, Tony was starting, and then it was time for the national anthem. I tried to keep my focus on the flag, but it was so hard when Tony was right there, looking down at the ice as his pre-game ritual. He didn't move, just kept his head tilted as he imagined what he was going to do for the game. I used to laugh at him for doing it, telling him he should look up because he can get away with looking at me, but he would just shake his head, "It's a ritual babe. It would throw me off to see a pretty thing like you watching me."

"You kind of got cut off there," Joyce laughed as we sat back down in our seats for the drop of the puck. "What did he get you?"

"Oh, just flowers," I shrugged. It was true, the most honest I had been to her all night. Her face dropped and her eyes widened in surprise. She opened her mouth to speak, but snapped it shut again and nodded.

"Well that's adorable." She smiled softly, patting my leg before the conversation dropped. We stayed silent until the end of the first before she turned to me and grabbed my hand. "Is everything alright with you and Tony?" She wondered, her motherly instincts picking up on all the signals I was trying to hard to hide. Like how my heart ached and I leaned forward in my seat when Tony was on the ice, biting the flesh of my lip hard to keep the tears in.

"Yeah, we're fine. Great actually," I nodded, tucking a piece of my brown hair behind my ear. She didn't believe me. It was all in her look.

"I know my son Molly, and I know when he's hurting. You're very easy to read, that's what happens when you love someone. You're an open book to the people around you, and you wear your heart on your sleeve. So how about you tell me what's going on?" She suggested. I looked down, unable to meet her gaze but I nodded, knowing it would help to tell someone who wasn't in college, and had a little bit more knowledge on life.

So I told her everything. I told her about Dakota and Tony, how I hated Tony to begin with because I let Dakota manipulate me into believing that he was a terrible person. I told her about how I fell so fast and hard for Tony, that it had scared me at first. I told her about all the times I kept Tony and Dakota from knowing each other. I retold the story of Dakota and Tony finding out about each other and how much it hurt to finally hear Tony admit he really did sleep with her. I recalled the days when I thought I was pregnant, up until the night when I found out I wasn't. I edited out some of Tony's speech when he found out about my pregnancy scare, just saying that he had been upset and hurt that I didn't feel the need to confide in him. I pushed through the story of Tony showing up on my porch, informing me it would be a good thing for us to take a break.

"But this break hasn't been anything like I thought it was supposed to be. I don't feel like his girlfriend, I feel like his enemy." I finished, drawing a deep breath into my lungs after not breathing deep for a good five minutes. Joyce just looked back at me, blinking with a blank look on her face. "I know, I'm a horrible person." I whispered after a couple more moments of silence.

"No, you were scared, and Tony doesn't understand that." She reasoned with me, her hand coming to rest in between my shoulder blades. "And it's okay to be afraid, but you can't let your fears keep you from the people you love. As for Tony and your friend, well, there's nothing you can do about that. There are things you can't control, and that happens to be one of them. Tony's over it, you need to be too. Now, as for the break, Tony is purposely distancing himself from you. He's hurt, angry, and probably a little afraid. If that test turned out positive, that would have been a whole new world for you and him. Defining moments like that take time to get through. There are so many could have and should have beens. He needs time which is what he asked for."

"But he doesn't have to exclude me from his life," I groaned, leaning back in my seat.

"No, he doesn't, but that's always been Tony's way of dealing with things. He didn't talk to his dad for weeks when he had to make his decision about which college to go to. He didn't want the strong influence of his dad to effect his decision."

"So he's making a decision about our relationship?" I asked.

"Probably. He's most likely trying to figure out where you two go from here."

"But how would he figure it out without me?"

"It goes back to the influence thing, Mol."

I nodded as the players ran back onto the ice, skating a couple laps. I took a look at the scoreboard, noticing the 0-0 score. I sighed and raked my hand through my hair, my eyes finding Tony on the bench. He was leaning forward and talking to Jake, pointing out onto the ice and most likely explaining a play. I smiled as him and Jake shared a laugh before they focused back on the game, a slight tilt to his lips though.

"He'll come around, sweetie." Joyce assured me, pulling me into her and giving me a kiss on top of my head like she was my mother.

"Thank you for listening and not being upset with me."

"You don't need that. You need someone to listen and I could never be mad for you telling the truth." She gave me a tight squeeze before she released me.

My phone vibrated in my purse and I pulled it out, looking at the text from Kara.

Where are you? You said you were coming.

I looked over two sections to my left where I saw Jess and Kara sitting with the other girlfriends, both of them watching their boyfriends glide across the ice.

With Mama Looch. I'm going to stay here the whole game since she's alone and I want to talk with her.

I kept my eyes on Kara, waiting for her to look up. She did and our eyes met, giving each other waves before going back to the game.

Just like the normal Badger/Gopher series, the game was intense. Each team threw everything they had at the net; no one took a shift off, giving their all and playing for not only the two points but for pride. As a hockey fan, I lived for the border battles, but as a girlfriend, or maybe ex, it was almost too much to handle. As if to spite me, Tony got himself into every scrum, pushing and shoving at the Badgers like he was the bully on the playground. I cringed with each blow to the shoulder chest, or face mask. But just like always, Tony had a response to each one, earning him a couple minors for roughing. The game ended with a 3-3 tie, so anti-climatic when you thought about how big this series always seemed to be.

"Tony didn't play well tonight," Joyce muttered next to me as Mariucci emptied quickly. The loudness turned to a dull murmur. I had noticed that what Joyce had also. He seemed slow like he couldn't move hi feet and his shot was never as dangerous as it normally was. He wasn't in the game or his zone at all.

"Everyone has off nights."

"Yes, but he's the coach's son. He isn't just like everyone else. Sometimes I worry about the expectations and pressure that is put on him." She sighed and stood up. I followed her to the elevators where the players met their families.

"Tony can handle it."

"I know, otherwise he wouldn't be here."

Slowly, the players began appearing from downstairs at first coming up by twos until a cluster of the boys came through the elevator. Tony came up with Mike and David, discussing something before the three of them split, looking for their families and girlfriends. Tony scanned the crowd, looking for his mom. He found her and I, giving his mom a smile before he moved our way. He walked slowly, nodding at the people who greeted him or grabbed at his arm to stop him, most of them female relatives to his teammates.

Tony wrapped his arms around me first, giving me a strong squeeze.

"You don't have to put up an act; she knows." I whispered to him trying not to cringe as he pulled away immediately. He gave me a look, annoyed that I had divulged our secrets to his mother. I shrugged and bit my tongue against a snide remark.

"Hi mom," Tony turned and hugged her next.

"Good game sweetie." She kissed his cheek and rubbed his back as he shook his head at her.

"I played terrible."

"No, you could have played better, but you weren't terrible. Come out ready for tomorrow." His mom consoled his softly. I sighed inwardly and shifted awkwardly from foot to foot looking for Kara. I found her across the archway, talking with Mike and his family. She glanced up at me and waved me over as I begged her with my eyes.

"It was nice to see you two." I murmured quickly, smiling at the two Lucias, struggling to even tilt my mouth at Tony. He gave me a polite smile back and I resisted the urge to wind up and take a good, hard slap at him. His mom cleared her throat, nudging Tony towards me. I let out a cynical laugh as Joyce walked towards where Don had just come up the stairs. I walked away before Tony's outstretched arms could pull me into a hug. He sighed loudly and followed me, his hand wrapping around my wrist.

"Look, Tony. You don't need to do me any favors. Just let me walk away."

"Molly, thank you for coming."

He wrapped me into a tight hug, his muscles pressing into my back. This hug was so much different. It was stronger and firmer as he held me slightly against my will to his chest. His lips brushed across the top of my head. My eyes watered as I squeezed him back. He released me a second later, pushing at my shoulders to hold me an arms length away. His lips pressed against my forehead tenderly. My eyes fluttered closed before he gave me a short kiss on the lips, turning and walking back to his parents. No I love you. No I'm sorry. Just a kiss that left me more confused than ever.