Everything I've Ever Wanted

I sat in bed, counting to five in my head until I was going to haul myself out of bed. But just like the previous three times I did this, I couldn't drag myself up to get ready for the day. I had to be at work in an hour and I still had yet to shower, or even attempt to get a move on with the day. I was so tired, my eyes barely able to open after being so tired from shedding tears in the past week and a half since Tony had been gone. His birthday had come and gone, the only way to celebrate via Skype with a bottle of wine and the presents I had sent him earlier in the week. It was depressing to watch him tear open the paper and laughing, smile, murmur a thank you, but not be able to hold him, to be near him, to feel the heat of his body next to mine. But I guess that was something I would just have to get used to.

I closed my eyes, feeling myself beginning to drift back to sleep even as the glow of the early morning sun shone through my windows. It was surprising to me how easily sleep came to me now that Tony was gone. He used to be the only way I could sleep, his arms tightly wrapped around me and squishing my almost painfully tight against his body. But sleep was just another diversion, another way to not think about him along with the dream job that kept me away from him and California.

With the thought of my job flashing through my mind, I bolted up in bed, throwing the covers off the body and quickly shedding my clothes as I headed to the bathroom. Today was my first official shoot outside the studio. I had no idea what it was, just that Tammi was too busy to do the client and she was leaning on me to fill in for her. I had leaped at the opportunity, desperate for something to do since I had been banned to taking school pictures for the various schools in our area. I was less than thrilled with that line of work but I guess I had to deal with it since for the most part, it would be a majority of my first pay check.

I showered off quickly, rushing through my morning routine fast despite the fact that I felt extremely groggy. I opted to wear a pair of dark wash jean capris and a pink t-shirt, throwing my hair up into a stylish pony tail before stuffing my feet into a pair of white flip flops. The best part about my job was that I didn't have to stuff myself into business attire. I was out the door and through the Starbucks drive thru in twenty minutes tops, arriving to work just as the clock struck 9.

"Hey Mol." Tammi greeted me from where she was setting up her tripod for a shoot later in the day. I waved to her and set her coffee down beside her camera bag before sitting down in the chair behind the front desk. I yawned, covering my mouth with my free hand before taking a sip of my iced mocha.

"Hey." I mumbled back after my mouth was done stretching to draw in oxygen for my brain. "What do you have today?"

"A couple family photo's, a maternity shoot, and a senior picture shoot." She announced, standing up and walking towards me. " I guess you probably want to know what you're doing today, huh?" She smiled at my excited look, eyes glowing and greedy for any information. "I got a call from one of my old clients, I did her senior pictures about four years ago, and it turns out she just got engaged a couple weeks ago. So I figured since you two were the same age, you girls would get along well. She has some places in mind, places that are significant to the two of them, but she also wants to go places that will produce beautiful pictures." She took a sip of her coffee as I tried not to let out a shriek of disapproval. Just my luck, I would have to shoot a couple so in love they couldn't take their eyes off of each other.

"An engagement shoot..." I trailed off, biting down on my lip and looking out the window. I sighed quietly before nodding to Tammi.

"I know it's not exactly the best thing for you right now, but it will be a good shoot to dip your does into, and kind of test the waters of photography. If this goes well, maybe you can take over the engagement shoots, I have a handful of them coming up in the next month. It would be a good job for you." She smiled sympathetically before walking towards the back to set up another station for a different family photo.

I sat at the front desk for another hour, taking phone calls and writing down appointments. A few of the other photographers walked in, waving to me before setting up. I also took my free time to read a bit about the couple I would be shooting. Their names were Laura and Grant Erickson. They loved sports and were both blonde. They included a picture of themselves explaining that they were high school sweethearts.

My heart sighed in my chest, thinking of their upcoming nuptials and finding myself green with envy. I wished I was the one getting married, preparing to start a life with the only man I ever loved. But I was starting a life, except one that didn't include Tony for the moment.

I glanced away from the compute screen where I had just filled a request for senior pictures, seeing the two blondes standing in front of the desk. I pushed the rolling chair back, smiling at them before standing to greet my first clients.

"Hi, you two must be Laura and Grant. I'm Molly, and I'll be conducting the shoot today." I shook both of their hands motioning for them to sit in the chairs in the lobby, just beyond the front desk. I read the file you complete, and it seems like you two have a pretty long history."

"Oh yeah, we have been together since our junior year in high school, and both of us just graduated from college last spring." Laura murmured, eyes shining brightly at her soon to be husband. I ignored the sick twist in my guy, recognizing the look as the way I stared at Tony.

"Right. So in the pictures, we want to try to depict that. We want to express your past through your clothing and the setting, but also the future as well. Are there any places you would like to go for sure? I know a few beautiful areas and places within the downtown area." I suggested, watching as they both began to discuss.

"We want to go back to our high school since Grant and I shared our first kiss on the football field." I nodded. "We also want to take pictures by the Mississippi."

"Sounds great. Let me get my camera and we can be off."

Two hours layer, we stood in a beautiful field tucked in a hillside along the Mississippi, looking out at the St. Paul skyline. The blonde couple had their arms around one another, posing with bright smiles on their faces. I smiled slightly with them, capturing the moment forever before sighing quietly. Today was brutal. It hurt and ate away at my heart like acid, reminding me of Tony and how I couldn't be like that with him for almost a month. My jealousy was barely containable as I watched Grant kiss Laura sweetly on the forehead, holding her tightly like if he loosened his grip, she would disappear.

"Alright, I think we can get a couple of amazing picture out of these." I laughed quietly, standing back up from my one knee position. I brushed off my pants before shaking both of their hands, desperate to get out of here before I did something embarrassing like cry.

"Thank you so much. I'm very excited to see them. I was wondering if you have any openings? My best friend is getting marries as well and wants to do an engagement shoot."

"I'm not sure off the top of my head, but I can call her when I get back to the office."

I got Laura's friend, Mindy's number before trudging to my SUV and packing my stuff into the back. I sighed and sank down in the driver's seat, eyes closing as I reached for my vibrating phone.

"Hello?" I mumbled half-heartedly.

"Uh oh. You don't sound too good." Tony murmured softly to me, voice hold a tint of concern in it.

"Hi baby." I sighed tiredly, yawning also, wondering if maybe Tammi would let me go home early. I had just started and I was already considering using one of my sick days for a mental health day tomorrow. "I'm fine, just tired."

"Really? How is work?" He wondered, the sound of crunching evident as he chewed what I assumed was cereal.

"Good. I had my first shoot today." I shrugged, starting my car up and cradling my phone to my chest. I kicked the air conditioning on, the car too hot for me to handle.

“Tell me about it.” Tony insisted. I kept my eyes closed, letting the air start to cool, pretending that Tony was next to me instead of a couple thousand miles away.
 
“It was an engagement shoot.” I whimpered slightly before continuing. “They were both blonde, high school sweethearts, and sickeningly in love with each other. But that created a lot of cute pictures. IT was fun, but hard at the same time; everything just reminded me of how much I miss you.”
 
“ I know, but only a week and a half. We’ll be alright.” Tony sighed slightly.
 
“Maybe I can go out there sooner?” I suggested, releasing the parking gear before beginning the journey back to the photo shop.
 
“Baby, you can’t. You have a job, and I won’t really be around to entertain you.” He voiced lightly, but it almost seemed like he was saying that I would be a burden on him.
 
“But I miss you so much.” I groaned, merging onto the freeway.
 
“I know, but that doesn’t mean you need to stop everything to come see me.” There was a sound of drawers opening and shutting along with rustling which told me he was getting dressed for the day.
 
“Jeeze, is it such a crime that I just want you to hold me?” I snapped at him.
 
“No, babe, don’t get upset. I am just trying to remind you of all the reasons you can’t come here. I miss you too, and I wish I could hold you, but I can’t, and that’s something we just have to accept right now.” Tony stated defensively.
 
We both fell quiet after that as I drove west; tapping my fingers on the steering wheel while Tony did God knows what. There was a slight tension over the phone line the longer the silence stretched. A feeling of longing and dread filled my stomach and twisted into a knot with each passing minute. I wished Tony was here, so that we could be okay again. We could look at each other, trying to stay angry, but it was impossible because of the smiles that would twitch our lips. But with only the tightness of our voices, getting over the tension seemed like a tall task.
 
Finally, Tony heaved a long and loud sigh, making me shake my head. “I have to go. Camp starts in an hour and a half, and I want to get a work out in.”
 
“Yeah, I have to go anyway.” I lied, blinking away the tears.
 
“Okay, I’ll call you later?”
 
“Yeah.”
 
“I love you, babe.” Tony murmured softly, making the corners of my mouth turn up a bit.
 
“I love you too.” I hung up after that, ignoring the stinging in my heart that told me as long as Tony was away, my heart would never be whole.
*** (TONY)
 
I stared down at my phone, sitting on the edge of my bed, not sure what to do next. The conversation I just had with Molly wasn’t how I pictured it to go. It was obvious to me that she was upset about me being gone, and the shoot she did today just escalated her emotions. I wish I knew how to make it better for her. I wanted to hold her and I did miss her as much as she missed me, but we both has separate lives for right now, duties that needed to be taken care of first. Speaking of jobs to do, I needed to get my ass moving if I wanted to get my work out in.
 
The whole way to the rink I couldn’t get my mind off Molly; how she was feeling, if she was angry with me, or simply what she looked like today. I wondered if her hair was up or down, down meaning she was feeling alright, or up if she was tired and crabby. I thought of her eyes, if they sparkled like I remember or if they had dulled with my absence. I thought about her laugh, and just the thought of the light, airy sound made me smile and let out a slight chuckle.
 
I pulled into the San Jose practice facility, shutting the car off before getting out. The hot, California air wrapped around me, making me want to pull my shirt off. I was still not used to the climate change from Cali to Minnesota. I grabbed my hockey gear, looking towards the arena where a couple of the other rookies were walking in. They called to me and I waved, flipping my sunglasses up as my phone vibrated in my pocket.
 
Baby, I love you. I’m sorry I am so crabby.
 
I smiled at Molly’s text before typing in my reply.
 
I love you too Molly. We can work it out tonight. ;)
 
I shook my head with a smirk, hoping she would get the hint. In terms of studying, computers sucked. But in terms of being across the country from the person I love, it’s a blessing. To be more specific, Skype was the best thing invented. I shrugged off that thought, feeling warmth spread through my body when I thought of my birthday, and how I pulled molly out of her comfort zone, and her clothes, with just a little sweet talking.

"Looch," Alex Stalock smiled at me, tilting his head in a hello.

"Hey pup." I smiled, clapping him on the back. Stalock had been a goalie at UMD when I was at the U, a hot interstate rivalry that hadn't gone away even as we both hoped for a spot on the Sharks roster.

"Hows thewife, whoa, I mean girlfriend." I rolled my eyes at him as we made our way to the locker room. I glanced down at my phone, frowning when I realized I wouldn't be getting my work out in.

"Mol is fine. A little sad since I'm not around, but she is managing." Part of that was a lie, but I wasn't about to get into it now; I just didn't want to think about her hurting.

"My baby is coming out next week." Alex told me, speaking of his high school sweetheart. "You don't realize how lucky you are until you're away from her."

"Ain't that the truth." I mumbled, pushing my way into the rowdy locker room.

Practice was much of the same as it had been the whole week, drills, and a little bit of scrimmage, along with a hell of a lot of smack talk. It reminded me of my days in Minnesota, the trash talk, the pranks, the brotherhood of my teammates. There were days when I wish I could just go back in time, start back over in my freshman season and relive the thrills and even the downs of being a Gopher hockey player because for us, win or lose, we were a team, and we were gonna stick together. But thinking about Minnesota brought me back to Molly, who I could not think about while I was playing hockey. For the most part, I was able to block her out, but there were moments when it was impossible. Despite the distractions in my head, I felt good today, everything seemed to click from the feel of my equipment to the way my passes and shots were right on target.

When practice ended, all the boys headed to the weight room for a little cool down. I chose to run while everyone else lifted because I had a bit more energy than normal, and if I didn't get it out, I would be restless for the remaining hours in the day. By four, I was all showered and changed, listening to the boys talk about what they were going to do tonight.

"Looch, you in?" John McCarthy asked curiously.

"In what?" I asked since I had been fiddling with my phone instead of following the conversation.

"The vets are going to show the rookies a hot place downtown. Maybe introduce you to your next lay."

"Nah, I'm good. I've got a girlfriend who would chop my balls off."

"Jeeze, sounds like she already did," John mumbled, the rest of the room erupting in laughter. In my early years of college, the shit the boys were giving me would have ate at my ego, but now I just didn't care what they had to say. Maybe that came with age, or maybe it came with finally having someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

"Carty, you wouldn't understand. No one loves your sorry ass." Manny Malhotra, who was happily married, laughed with the rest of the boys.

I laughed along partly because John was the typical, let me fuck anything with a vagina, kind of guy/hockey player, and also because we were quite sure he would never settle down.

"What are you going to do tonight then?" Alex asked as we headed out to the parking lot.

I'm going to call Molly to check up on her. We kinda left off at a bad place this morning, and I want to smooth things over."

"What happened?"

"Nothing really. We both were just crabby with the situation and things got tense." I shrugged as if it was no big deal, but with the distance and the fact that I couldn't kiss it better, every little thing was not a big deal.

"Right. Good luck with that. I'll see you tomorrow, Looch." Alex waved goodbye as we reached my SUV. I nodded, settling into my car and driving back to my apartment.

The second I walked in the door, I dropped my hockey stuff in the entry way, moving to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. I chugged the first half, grabbing my phone from my pocket, and dialing Molly's number. I shed my jeans and shirt, pulling on a pair of mesh shorts and a clean t-shirt. She didn't pick up at all, the call going straight to voicemail. I frowned deeply, pulling out some turkey to make a sandwich. I waited for the beep before recording my message.

"Hey babe, it's me. I was just calling to check in, say hi, and see how the rest of your day went. Call me back before you go to bed. Love you." I hung up and shook my head before going on with my night.

I watched some TV, catching a baseball game and a couple shows I had watched previously, but nothing was registering. All I could do was think about my silent phone, wondering what was going on with Molly. She almost always calls me back within the hour of my call, and I was even more worried because she didn't have anything that would keep her busy. I picked up my phone at 10 PM my time, dialing her number despite the fact that she might be asleep already. The phone ran three times before she picked up, the sound of silence overtaking the ringing.

"Molly?" I asked. I focused in on every sound I could hear. It took me a moment until I hear the sound of sniffles, making me cringe and groan inwardly. I hated the thought of her crying and me not being there to wipe the tears away.

"Baby, talk to me. Why are you crying? Did something happen? Are you hurt?" A thousand questions pushed against my vocal cords and slipped from my mouth until Molly's cries were loud enough for me to hear.

"N-no. I-I just miss you. I fucking hate this. Why do you have to be so far away?" Molly choked out.

"I don't know." I whispered, not having an appropriate response to that.

I stayed quiet while Molly cried, searching my mind for something, anything, to say so that she could find comfort from me. But I came up blank after trying to comfort her for so many weeks. After all this time, I realized that words would not make her okay; she needed action, but that I couldn't give her. I was too selfish, too wrapped up in the possibility of the NHL, the dream to play in front of 18,000 people. Doing the one thing that gave me happiness seemed to out weigh the desire to be with Molly. But did it really? If the dream was the most important thing, why did my heart hurt? Why wasn't I happy? Why did all of this suddenly not seem worth it?

"Mol, I love you." I tried, pressing into the bridge of my nose with my thumb and pointer finger.

"You know I love you too. But maybe this is a sign. Maybe this mean we aren't supposed to lat. Why else would you be taken away from me?"

"Babe, remember, nothing in live is supposed to be easy. That's what makes the pain worth it. At the end of this, we can laugh at the pain we feel right now and let go." I insisted, not able to stand the pain of her suggesting we end it, throw everything to the wind

"It shouldn't be this hard." She whined, her tears beginning to diminish, replaced be a sleepiness that made me sigh in relief. She just needed sleep, that's what was troubling her.

"I know, but if we make it thought this, there is happiness at the end of the tunnel." She let out a soft laugh, murmuring her approval. "Darling, why don't you get some sleep? We can talk tomorrow." I insisted, standing up and moving to my bedroom.

"Love you." She whispered softly before she hung up, long before I could express my love. I shrugged, throwing my phone on my bed knowing she would understand how much I loved her soon.