I'm the Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love.

You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to him
And I go back to black.
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“How can someone three thousand miles away from me make me feel so bad? About something that had little to do with him.” I vented to Natalie and Sid who had come over after I called in tears.

In reality it had EVERYTHING to do with him. He caused it.

They were doing what every friend should do when shit like this happens, nodding politely and telling me I was right.

“I mean, it was before we got together. And it was after he completely fucked me over. He really fucked me. Right?” I justified, my voice hoarse and squeaky.

“Right. He shouldn’t be angry.” Natalie agreed.

“Maybe... Maybe he doesn’t know everything. Maybe Frank didn’t tell him when it happened.”

“I think that he’s just upset you didn’t tell him. He just needs time to think about it and he won’t be so mad.”

“But, I NEVER asked him about who he fucking fucked before we got together. Why should he get to have a fucking hissy fit over me and Frank? At least it’s someone he knows loves me and isn’t just some random asshole off the street.”

“No, I think it’s BECAUSE it’s Frank and he’s so close to both of you and you still didn’t tell him. That’s why he’s pissed.” Sid examined.

“Hey, I thought girls were just supposed to nod and smile and give tissues and talk shit about boys when they screw us over. Why are you talking so logically?!” I tentatively joked.

“I’m sorry, it’s just I thought a practical reason would be more helpful than a bullshit one.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right...” I returned, detesting her validity.

“Don’t worry, I’ll quietly nod and hug you, how’s that?” Natalie offered while pulling me into a hug where we sat on the couch.

“Yeah!” I said in an excited whisper.

We watched TV for a while until I thought of something else to say.

“Hey, do you guys know if Jamia knows?” I wondered, timidly.

“Um... I really don’t know.” Sid answered.

Natalie nodded in accord.

“Do you think she’d... like, be uncomfortable with it?”

Natalie bit her lip in thought and Sid didn’t say anything, either.

“She’s really protective over Frank, isn’t she?” Nat thought out loud.

“Not so much, protective, as territorial.” Sid contrasted.

“Damn, I would be too....” Natalie trailed off.

“Which means this could be a pretty good thing, or a very bad thing,” I reasoned, ignoring Natalie, “ ‘Cuz if she already knows, it doesn’t matter. But on the other hand, if she doesn’t know, and finds out now, she’ll be just as pissed as Gerard is.”

“But, you’re good friends, and the you and Frank thing was before, right?-” Natalie asked.

“Just barely, though. I need to call Frank, and then Gerard.” I responded in dismay.

There was long break in conversation after that until started crying again.

“I just really don’t want to lose him...” I tearfully admitted.

“It’ll be okay, Ssshhhh...” Natalie and Sid soothed and pulled me into a group hug.

After I had relaxed and could control the tears, I felt it was time to call someone. I was afraid of what Gerard would say, so I called Frank first.

Nat and Sid stayed because I told them I needed moral support so they stayed in the front room. I inhaled and exhaled loudly as I stepped into my room.

“Hello?” Ray answered.

“Hey, Toro. Can I talk to Frank?” I requested.

“Frank? Yeah sure.”

“Hey, babe. How's your head?"

"It's fine. Where the fuck is yours?" I asked angrily.

"Babe, let me explain.”

“Don't start the 'babe' thing, just start talking.”

“We were just in the van and he was running his mouth-”

That didn’t sound like Gerard, and I stopped Frank before he could switch the blame, “How did he find out, Frank?”

“I let it slip.”

“I thought we said we wouldn’t tell anybody. How do you just let something like that slip?”

“I dunno... It just happened really fast, and he was talking about-”

“Whatever. What exactly did you say?”

“Something along the lines-”

“EXACTLY, Frank.”

“He said, ‘You’re just jealous,’ and I said, ‘I’ve already had what you’ve had....’ and he’s like, ‘Have you fucked her?’ and I didn’t say no, like I should have.”

My head was in my hands and I squeezed my eyes shut tighter with every word, “He asked if you’ve ‘fucked’ me? He asked if YOU'VE FUCKED ME?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my God... This is a complete nightmare...” I whimpered.

“Oh, please don’t cry. Don’t. DO not. You’re not allowed.”

I put the phone down for a moment to compose myself. As I did, I got angry. At Gerard, but at Frank, too.

“What if I tell Jamia?! How would you feel?!”

“No! Don’t tell Jamia, she’ll get so pissed-”

“Oh, and you think Gerard didn’t call me and freak the fuck out and start yelling at ME?! Where’s your head at these days?”

GERARD’s POV

I walked outside and was going to grab a smoke before the show. As I walked to a planter, I heard someone’s voice. It was Frank. I recoiled behind the building, as to not be seen and listened.

“I don’t know, I’m really, really, so, so sorry.”

Frank pleaded like the bitch he is.

Who is he talking to?

“Babe, please forgive me. And whatever you do don’t tell Jamia!” I heard Frank say.

‘Kat.’ I instantly knew.

‘Don’t tell Jamia, huh?’ I vengefully thought, ‘Well, I can work with that...’

I put my cigarette out and walked back inside, plotting.

MY POV

“Uuuggh! Frank! You’re such a ... a... I don’t even know! Something shitty!” I vented and sounded obnoxiously young.

FRANK’s POV

“I know. I’m really, really sorry...” I got quiet, I hate it when we fight. It makes me feel so inferior and immature, ‘cuz I know she’s usually right.

I wiped my brow and smeared my hand down my face in realization of what a vapid, idiotic piece of shit I am.

GERARD’s POV

I silently pushed my way through the strange crowd of people with one thing on my mind.

Revenge.

‘FUCK the both of them,’ I thought, ‘They can have each other because they deserve each other.’

I grabbed some hard alcohol from the bar and sat at the counter. I liked feeling invisible, and here, in a foreign country, there was nothing easier.

‘Actually, instead of killing Frank, I should thank him. He opened my eyes to the kind of person Kat is. You know what Kitty-Kitty-Kat? You make me fucking sick! Thank you for not being here! Thank you for not caring! It only keeps me alone. Everything’s easier when you’re alone. It’s me against this whole cess pool of a world.... Now and forever... Isn’t that what you said, Kitty-Kitty? Well, as Oscar Wilde says, “They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.” You like Oscar Wilde, dontcha, Kitty-Kitty-Kat?’

I laughed at my thoughts.

‘I think I’m a little wasted...’

I got up from the bar and stumbled backstage. I think someone tried to say something to me, but I couldn't hear them because I was focused. I just had the greatest idea.

I'm gonna wear my ‘Thank You For The Venom’ shirt.

I pulled it on, “Yeah,... thank you VERY MUCH for the venom, my little kitten....”

I was angry as shit, drunk as shit, and slammed Frank to the floor a couple of times during the show. Hard. The crowd loved it, though.

They loved me.

And their love was all I needed.

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