I'm the Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love.

Frank and I had some GREAT, EXCELLENT, AMAZING times during the next few weeks. We laughed, we fucked, we ate, we played, but that’s all we could ever do.

We were just best friends, and that’s all we would ever be.

Eventually the band took prominence in Frankie’s and all the boys lives’. They were always in the practice studio writing new material, always preparing for the next step. It was the right time, it was the right message, and they were the right band. Every tour was bigger than the next, until they were ultimately always on the road.

And sure we all missed them, but you can adapt and get used to anything.

Jamia, Natalie, Sid and I were virtually inseparable, no one ever saw any of us alone without at least one other. Jamia and Frank got back together after Frank left and soon realized what we all knew already, he couldn’t live without her. He invited her out and she would travel with the boys from time to time, working the merch booths. All the news we got about the boys came from her. I’d never ask about Gerard, but she knew I wanted to know, and some of the stuff I had to know.

‘He’s on a slippery slope,’ She’d say.

Sometimes, if we had been really good, she’d bring the boys back with her! It was during one of these visits that Gerard and I were able to make an amends of some sort.

One evening Natalie’s boyfriends’ band was performing a concert in the park, and almost everyone we knew was invited.

Jamia and I were sitting next to each other on a park bench, trying not to get caught staring at Gerard. He was like a ghost, not only because he was as pale as ever, but because I hadn’t seen him in such long time.



“I don’t know how he does half the shit he does somedays,” Jamia started, “As soon as he wakes up, he’s building up this high of pills and booze, until he passes out and sleeps it off.”

I shook my head with sympathetic eyes, “But what can I do? He has Olivia.”

“Pft, barely. She’s just as bad at times. She doesn’t help, she only enables him.”

“But, I should talk to him. Dontcha think? Make a truce.”

She nodded her head in partial agreement.

“What should I say?”

“Just be like, ‘I’m cool with where we are.’ ”

“Okay... yeah, that’s a good idea. I’m gonna go,” I took a slow, deep breath, “Right now...”

I stood up, and quietly made my way over to him. His back was to me as he sipped his drink. Toro and him were standing together and when Toro looked over to me, Gerard did the same. Ray walked away, leaving the two of us to talk.

“Hey,” I breathed with a self conscious smile.

“Hey you,” He replied opening his arms for a hug.

I stepped into his grasp, “Long time, huh?”

“Too long maybe,” He said, giving me a look up and down, “You look great.”

“Thanks.” I answered, but didn’t return the favor, because I couldn’t lie.

I wanted to take him home, give him a bowl of soup, take a shower with him again, and polish him up like a new penny. He cleaned up so nice.

(So maybe I was a little lonely, but it was my maternal side coming out as well.)

“How are things with you at Eyeball?” He asked.

“Real good. I’ve moved up to ‘managerial coordinator’. So I’m the boss now. It’s pretty sweet.”

“Well, la-dee-da, my little girl’s moving up in the world.”

I giggled shortly and shook my head, “Yep... um, how’s road life?”

“Couldn’t be better. It’s hard, but it’s everything we’ve ever wanted.”

“Yeah. ‘Tough’ becomes your middle names.”

“Ha! Living off chips and salsa, water, shitty comic books, and Wal-Mart can do that to ya.”

“Right, good times. So who’s this Bob character I’ve heard about?”

“Oh, Bob? Yeah, he’s our new drummer, the new guy. It’s funny, like, he’s this sound engineer, a total behind the scenes guy and we dragged him into the spotlight. Kicking and screaming, I might add.”

We both cracked up together and joked for a little while.

It was nice.

“Well that’s great. I’m glad you’re happy.” I laughed out.

But he looked away and lost his smile as I said it.

‘What did I say?’ I thought, ‘Didn’t he just say he was happy?’

He looked at me for longer than I would have liked, “We should have worked,” He brought up out of no where.

Christ, this was exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Plus, it wasn’t true.

“Why?” I doubted.

“Because... because. Shit, I loved you so much-”

“I loved you, Gerard. I still love you.”

“See? Just hearing you say my name is... I don’t know what it is, but-

“Gerard, stop. I loved you and I still love you,” He opened his mouth to cut in, “No, let me finish. What we had will never go away. But, while it’s infinite, it’s not automatic.”

“It WAS automatic! It was ‘us forever’ right way-”

“But we broke up. Maybe we were never meant to be together like we were. Maybe were just supposed to be friends. Just friends. Think about it, we were never friends.”

“We were friends.” He said, as if to himself.

“You were my boyfriend, there’s too big a difference.”

He bit his lower lip and nodded his head, looking at the ground.

I had to do something to make him... less sad. I grabbed his hand and laced my fingers, he looked up at me confused.

“Would you be my friend, Gerard?” I extended.

He couldn’t stop his grin, he couldn’t stop it, but he didn’t like it.

“Okay,” He pouted sarcastically, kicking the grass at his feet like a little kid.

I gave him another hug then started to walk away, satisfied.

“Wait! You wanna watch the band with me, kiddo?” He invited.

“Yeah.” I agreed.

We walked to the makeshift stage and found a decent vantage point.

“Friends, huh?” Gerard asked, leaning into my ear, “Like you and Frankie?”

“No, not like me and Frankie,” I adamantly corrected, “Like me and Gerard.”

He smiled, very pleased.

We occasionally talked about trivial things, just like casual friends do, and I’d go over to his house with presents at Christmas, but nothing more.

But, every now and then, a few times a month I’d have this haunting dream...

“So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me, hold me like you’ll never let me go... ’Cause I’m leavin' on a jet plane. Don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh, babe I hate to go. There’s so many times I’ve let you down, so many time I’ve played around. I tell you now they don’t mean a thing. Every place I go I’ll think of you. Every song I sing for you...”

I sniffed hard and pressed my face into his lapel as my favorite part reared its beautiful, painful head.

“When I come back I’ll bring your wedding ring...

“...I mean it this time, babe, I do,” He’d say, “I hope you ‘do’ too.”

My life since then has been from man to man, but I can’t run away from what I once had, how good it was, how I miss it, but how it failed.

Just goes to show how life has a funny way of surprising you when you least expect it.

That was then, and today, life’s good.

I love who I am.

I love who I’ve been.

I’ll learn to love who I will be.

I know now that I’ll never be able to run away from any of that.

And he showed me.

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