I'm the Kind of Human Wreckage That You Love.

Kill All Your Friends.mp3

I had to get my ass up out of Frankie’s bed the next morning and go into work, and I’m pretty sure it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. That day I just sort of floated through my tasks, emotionally exhausted. I kept quiet, very unlike me, all day and practically ran out of the buliding to lunch. I just wanted a goddamn burger and for no one to bother me, but you don’t always get what you want.

“Hey!” Mikey called to me walking out he door of a cheap diner downtown.

“Oh, man,” I whispered. I held my breath as I turned around.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Not much, Mikey,” I murmered stifly, “How ‘bout you?”

“I’m doing good. It’s funny running into you here because I have somethings to give you, I’ll be right back.”

I watched him run to his car and come back with two pieces of paper.

“The pink one’s for a party on Saturday.”

I smiled half-heartedly and nodded.

“Cool, man, and the other one?”

“That’s from Gerard.”

I looked up at him from the folded pieces of paper, then back to the floor.

“I don’t think I can take this. Your brother-”

“Fucked up, he’s been on some medication and... I can’t explain it. I’m sure it’s in the letter.”

I gazed at him with a questioning and dispirited look. I felt so defeated when I got back to work. All I did was debate whether to read his letter. I felt worthless. Stupid. And I was mad at him for putting me in this position. I had to read the letter, but I was going to wait until I got home. I got off kind of early and got home around seven. I put the letter on my kitchen counter and stared at it. I was hoping my x-ray vision would kick in and I wouldn’t have to touch it again. I reached to open it and the phone rang. It was Frankie.

“How goes it?”

“Mikey gave me a letter from Gerard.” I loudly blurted out at him.

“What? When did you see Mikey.”

“Come over so I can open it.”

“Okay, I’ll be there in a sec.”

Frankie arrived way too soon.

Frankie swung open the door, “Okay, I’m here, open it.” he panted out.

I grabbed it swiftly, as if to get it over with, like a band-aid.

I took a deep breath, unfolded the paper three times and began.

“Hi,
This isn’t a letter of apology, but of explanation.
Not to say that I’m not sorry for hurting you,
because that kills me, but to tell you why I did
what I did. I’ve never been so consumed in how someone thought of me until I met you. I had
to do everything right and if I didn’t I’d kill
myself thinking of how I would redo it. I’ve
never felt so out of control. I forget about every
thing else in the entire world when I’m with you.

I need to talk to you.

Me and her are over.
xoxo, g”

I sighed heavily, “Do I believe him? It’s like I could have written this letter, it’s... creepy. What do I do, Frankie? What do I do?” I started to weep and fell to my knees.

Frankie ran over and threw himself on the ground next to me. He hugged me tightly and kissed my head before he whispered, as if promising himself, “I will kill him. I will fucking kill him for doing this...”

All I could do was yelp with tears into his chest. Hearing him just made me hate myself for being so stupid and getting Frankie into this.

He eventually moved me up to the couch and I calmed down. Me and Frank fell asleep on the couch together, our legs entwined. When I woke up, it was before dawn. I tried to free my legs without waking up Frankie, but he began to stir. I sat on my shins and stretched out all the kinks from sleeping so awkwardly. Frankie leaned on the couch arm and crossed his arms while I redid my ponytail. He was smirking at me.

“What?” I said shyly, while turning on the TV.

He didn’t say anything but he sat up fully and grabbed the remote from my outstretched arm and turned the TV off.

“Hey, I need to know the weath-”

I was cut off by Frankie pulling me into a kiss. I didn’t pull away and was surprised by his lack of morning breath. Did he sleep at all? He clutched my sides closer and tilted his head, whlie he slipped his tongue into my mouth. I started to follow along, but then I began resisting. He wouldn’t give up that easy, he just pulled me closer still and took my hair out of it’s ponytail. I gave in.



He pulled me down on top of him on the couch but soon rolled on top to take his shirt off. Then he pulled me up and removed mine and proceeded to unbutton my pants. Then he stood up and pulled me with him. We never broke our kiss on the way to my bedroom and I unbuttoned his pants before we reached the bed. Frankie pulled the sheets over us.

I was late for work that morning.

I was an awestruck (or was it lovestruck?) zombie at work but had to try and shake it off when my boss started noticing.

“Hey, kid. You’ve been doing a real good job around here. You’re fast. Why don’t you take the rest of the week off?” My boss said casually.

“Wha-, really? Thanks, Mike. Are you sure?” I accepted

“Yep, you’re a good kid. Go home and relax.”

I guess he must of been in a similar situation once. I was grateful, but I hadn’t decided what to do about Frankie. I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to “relax” for a long damn time. Now should I go home and fuck Frankie again or drive into the Hudson river? Ah, decisions, decisions... Maybe I should go to Gerard’s house? What am I completely insane? Well, I am talking to myself... That’s it! I’ll stop in to my friend’s psychiatrist.