Living on Perfectly Remembered Memories

Matt

I'm doing it. I'm hurting her so I don't destroy our friendship. But now, I guess we aren't friends either. I don't know why we have this act up like we still are when we clearly don't talk to each other anymore. As weeks passed, our conversations turned to one-word phrases to complete silence. I haven't talked to her in months, even if we sit next to each other in some classes. I hate that we can't speak to each other, but there is no other way.

She can find another best friend. We’re talking about Franchesa Isabella Heras here. She has the personality everyone loves. In a short period of time, she'll find someone new. She will find someone who holds the best friend title better than I ever did. She will find a best friend who is actually her best friend. She will not find someone who pretends to be her best friend but in the mean time has feelings for her. She won't find another me.

You know, it kills me to know that I can't talk to her anymore. It kills me every single day. Why did she have to ask me if I loved her? Didn't she know that's a personal area? Didn't she take the hint when I never fully said those words to her?

I shook my head, shaking those thoughts out of my brain. I can't think about her now. I can't. I just had a good workout at the Gym. I don't want to ruin it.

Dad bought me a one-year membership at Gold's Gym for Christmas. He told me that I complain so much about not being able to work out that he bought me a subscription so I’ll shut up about it. I would've argued with him on this but I love his present. I've been using it everyday since the first week of January.

I heard familiar voices as I walked through the park. Who are they? Curious, I turned my attention to two people far away. One person was very tall and built. The other was short and had a very thin frame. I gasped; it was Franchesa and Rafael.

Rafael met my eyes. In silent protest, he told me to go. I wanted to, believe I wish I could have but my feet wouldn't budge from the floor. Franchesa eventually saw me too. I saw her eyes water even with the shades on my face.

"Matt?" she whispered, surprised and horrified I was there in the flesh.

I did the one thing I knew how to do best thanks to football; I ran. I crossed the street without looking for any cars. I hid behind a tree, falling to the ground. My breathing was ragged but I didn't care.

The way her face looked when she saw me, I wanted to kill myself for doing this to her. I wish I didn't, I sincerely wished that, but I can't change what's happening. Whenever I look at her, I want to hug her, but it hurts so much. I've had broken bones before, they didn't hurt as much as this. I guess they're right when they say that physical pain goes away, but never the emotional.

I regained my breath, ready to walk home before I heard their voices. I only caught bits of what they were saying but from the sound of it, Rafael was telling her what I told him about what I thought about my friendship with her. Good. I lied about all of it and he was making it sound a lot harsher than how I said it, but that'll keep her away from me. That'll make her hate me. That'll make it so she never wants to speak to me again. That's what I want.

Although hearing her sobs were enough to make me want to run up to her and tell her that was all a ruse so that I could stop liking her. Why did I have to end up with these feelings? If it were any other girl, it would've been fine. But this...this was my best friend I'm thinking about here. I spun this web too intricately and I'm stuck. I can't get out.

I shut my eyes, slapping myself. What good am I if I can't even initiate my own plan? I groaned, standing up and running the rest of the way home.