The Ballerina

“What do you want to talk about, Tuck?” Acelynn asked softly.

“What we always talk about – Luke.” Tuck replied and closed his bedroom door.
Acelynn drank in the sight of Tuck’s room; it was so neat and anal. All of his clothes that had previously taken over the floor were put away (or at least out of sight). His desk and bookshelf had been polished clean. The only glitch was a small Kool-aid stain on his rug in the shape of Italy. Acelynn could find one thing out of place. Could Tuck have really cleaned up his whole room just for his father? It seemed so out of character.

“What about Luke?” She asked timidly.

“You’re smarter than that, Acelynn. You know what about – Luke and my father.” Tuck spat angrily. “I know you can tell that there’s… some unresolved history between them.”

“Yeah.” Acelynn replied quietly and honestly.

Tuck took a deep breath and lit a cigarette. Acelynn winced when the lighter scratched. “Okay, so I’m about to tell you something that is not to be repeated. Especially to Luke. Do you understand? You can’t tell him you know.”

“Of course.” She said immediately.

Tuck nodded and took another drag of the shrinking cigarette. Then he began to pace back and forth like a caged, sleek panther. “Alright. So there are a few things you need to know about Luke… And my father. And the way Luke acts around him and why he does it. There are certain things about our family that are so demented; it’ll make your family look normal. But it goes so far back… There’s a whole lifetime of things that are intertwined in these chain of events. I have to start this story many years back. So sit down; it’s going to be a long story.

“When my father was a kid – about your and Luke’s age – he met this girl. And, she was the total opposite of him. She went to public school, she got awful grades, she was a hippie, and she just wasn’t from the Spencer world. She was everything that Steven and Belinda Spencer hated in that generation of kids. She wasn’t disciplined; she was just a different breed of persons.

“But for some god-awful reason, Brian fell in love with Hannah Lawless. His parents hated her; and I mean hated. I don’t think I can even begin to describe to you how much they hated this girl. She made their son some carefree hippie. His morals were totally changed – instead of studying and pursuing his business career, he focused on Hannah and her art.

“Brian had so much potential for anything he wanted. He was so smart, he got early acceptance to Yale. Yeah, he was that smart. At seventeen he was already on top of the world. His future was set. Steven and Belinda couldn’t have asked for anything more in a son. He was their perfect heir to their family business. But there was only one thing in his life they disliked; yeah, Hannah. He was so willing to give up his whole future for some silly little girl with silly dreams that could never be achieved in the real world.

“So they eloped. Steven and Belinda had given him an ultimatum – Hannah or the family wealth. He chose Hannah. They got married only two days after their graduation – that’s when his parents forced him to choose. At the end of his graduation party, they sat him down and finally stomped their giant feet all over his life. It backfired.

“They had to escape the city – away from any Spencer enterprise. So they moved to the country in some old shack. It was a place where Hannah could paint sunsets and meadows full of deer. Yeah, she was an artist. She was a flighty, creative gypsy painter with a business man as a partner. But they were in love, so it didn’t matter. God, they were so in love.

“And then they had me. A little, tiny, bouncing fucking baby boy. They named me Tuck, after Brian’s grandfather. Just Tuck. Nothing more; not Tucker or anything. It’s really stupid, to have such a short name. It’s already a nickname. People think I’m being a little punk when I say my name is—

“But that’s a story for another day. Anyway, I was born and they didn’t have enough room in the shack for all the baby shit, so they had to move. They moved in the ‘burbs with a freakin’ white picket fence and little puppy.”

Acelynn suddenly wondered if the dog Tuck was talking about was the same dog that they still had now. But she guessed it didn’t really matter; at that moment it was completely irrelevant.

“I spent my first year on Earth with the perfect mommy and the perfect daddy… Well, maybe not perfect, but pretty fucking close… I remember… I can still remember some small snippet from back then… I was playing with this red, stuffed horse thing in the kitchen. My mom was talking to my dad at the table… They were holding hands and they looked so happy… She had these green eyes and black hair…” Tuck shook his head and lit this third cigarette. He dropped the second next to his feet with the other one.

“At that point Brian had finally gone to college so he could earn a living. With just him and Hannah, he could support them easily with small, towny jobs. But with a baby… it takes a lot more money to support a whole family like that. He got a student jobs and jobs around town, along with an internship with some big, fancy business. He was so busy. But every moment he had to spare went directly to me and my mother.

“And then… then everything changed. So drastically. So awfully…” For a second, Acelynn thought Tuck was going to say ‘and then Luke was born.’ But instead, his next words broke her heart right in two. “And then my mother died.

“Hannah Spencer was dead. When I was just one fucking year old. She died of pneumonia. She was painting a moonscape in the late fall. It was frosting out and she already had an awful cold, but she did it anyway… she was painting it for me.”

How awful it must be to have your mother die at such an early age. And it was so obvious that Tuck blamed himself for the death. No wonder he was so angry and allusive all of the time. To believe your whole life that you had second handedly killed someone.

“Don’t even dare feel sorry for me, Acelynn. Don’t you dare. I don’t want your fucking pity. Because this isn’t about me. And we haven’t even gotten to the vicious part yet.

“My dad spent less and less time at home. He finally went back to his own parents after Hannah died. They were pleased. It kind of makes me sick to think that they were happy at a death. But it gave them their son back. So I can understand… Kind of.

“We moved into this giant ass house. Dad spent most of his time at work and hired a nanny to take care of me. Those next few months, I only had one fake parent around me. My first steps… my first words… he wasn’t there for any of them. He was withering away at work, happily slaving away at my grandparent’s every last whim.

“And then he met Anna. It took him two fucking months to get over his so called soul mate. And how sick is it that he finds some woman with a name that rhymes with his dead wife? Better yet, that looks identical to her? It’s so sick, just thinking of it makes me want to hurl.

“So Brian got Anna pregnant. Almost immediately she moved in. And I don’t have any complains there, really. From what I can remember, she was really sweet… she even treated me like I was her own kid. She read me books and played with me. She was a new mom for me; and I think for awhile, I thought my real mom had come back for me. It’s stupid, now that I think of it, but… Whatever… Anyway, she was a lawyer – a big business woman just like my dad, so she didn’t spend a whole lot of time at home.”

Tuck wasn’t even two years old at that point in the story, and his life was already so screwed up. Acelynn, who was sitting next to the older boy on the edge of the bed, put her hand on top of his. He flinched slightly, but relaxed again. By now he was on his fifth cigarette and was still sucking away quickly. She wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to continue to tell this part of the story, about his own life, because it was visibly painful for him to talk about this. But there were no words for her to speak.

“Nine months later, out popped Lucas Andrew Spencer. What a fucking ball of sunshine. The bastard child of a widower and his girlfriend. Don’t look at me like that, Acelynn. I love my brother. I love Luke more than anything on this planet. But that’s the truth. Luke is the bastard child of a widower and his girlfriend. It’s harsh and blunt, but that’s what it is.

“Anna and Brian never got married. They lived in the same house and they raised two boys together. They worked at their corporate life-sucking jobs and they loved each other. I know that they loved each other. We were such a happy family. And there’s not even a little sarcasm there – we were happy. We were so fucking happy. I had a little brother and a dad who was actually around. Believe it or not, I have memories of Brian smiling. And I had a mom. Maybe not my real mom… but someone who cared a lot about me.

“Until I was five and Luke was three, everything was perfect. I’m serious – back then, and I can even remember a lot of good memories, it seemed so perfect. There were no flaws. And then – then my dad had to fuck everything up. Even my grandparents would back me up on that. Because unlike Hannah, they loved Anna.

“But Brian, apparently, never really got over his wife. Maybe that was why he never married Anna, I don’t know and I don’t care. My dad kept this chest fill of memoirs about Hannah. Letters, paintings, pictures, books she had, just a bunch of little things. He had stashed it in the attic somewhere, and Anna found it.

“I can’t even imagine how awful it would have been to find something like that… To know that you were just a replacement for something. To find out that some douche bag had found the closest thing to his dead wife and fucked her. I mean it – except for Anna’s blue eyes and Hannah’s green ones – they were seriously identical. How embarrassing is that? To spend four years with some guy who you thought loved you, and then to find out that it was a lie. Well, maybe it wasn’t a lie, but to find out you were a replacement…

“So our perfect family fell apart. Anna packed her bags and left. But that’s not even the worst part. Anna left Luke.”

Acelynn released a painful breath in her chest. A mother left her own son because she couldn’t deal with some problems? To do that… It made the girl’s blood boil. She gripped Tuck’s hand in hers. He had stopped smoking only a few minutes ago, and seven cigarette butts sat next to Tuck’s dress shoes.

“Anna left her own fucking son, Acelynn. She disappeared and I haven’t even heard from her in fourteen years. Fourteen fucking years. That’s how long Luke has lived without his mother. I know I lost my mother too, but… Luke’s mother didn’t want him. Hannah died, but I know if she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have abandoned me. Anna could have taken her son with her, wherever she went, but she didn’t. She left him with the other woman’s son and the douche bag.

“After that, Brian went AWOL again. Of course. The only difference then was that he had two motherless sons and not just me this time. So he hired a nanny to take care of his freakin’ problems. Like some little coward.” Tuck took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Unconsciously, he gripped Acelynn’s hand in his.

“Luke… Luke didn’t really know what was going on. He had three good years under his belt, but that was it. He grew up with Brian’s hate surrounding him. My father began to take his heart break out on his spawn. Maybe not physically – he would never lay a hand on his kid… But the mental shit he put Luke through. I mean, yeah, me too… But with Luke, it’s always been a little different. Brian just doesn’t really have the patience to deal with me, but with my brother there’s always been a lot of hate involved. It hurts to watch it, and I can’t do anything about it.

“I can’t just tell my father to grow a pair and stop harassing his son. I can’t. Maybe that makes me weak and a bad brother, but he’s my dad.” Tuck lit another cigarette and stuck it in his mouth. There were spots of liquid collecting around his eyes. It hurt Acelynn to watch the sight – she had never seen the older boy so emotional.

“Luke didn’t really know what was going on until three years ago when I finally told him. Most of his memories are confused and all hush-hush with secrets. When he was a little kid, and when my dad was actually home, he thought it was normal that his daddy was always at work and not paying attention. Because mostly, I raised him. And for being as fucked up as I am, I think I did a pretty good job. I made a shitload of mistakes… I mean, he fucking cuts himself, Acelynn. Obviously I fucked him up too much.

“And yeah, that didn’t start until I told him the truth – that my dad hates Luke’s existence, but still… I should have been able to do something to help. Now he hates his life. But you want to know the real mystery? Why the hell he tries so god-damned hard to get Brian to like him. I just don’t get it. Why would you spend all of your energy focused on someone who doesn’t even give a damn? It’s so freaking stupid; it makes me angry just thinking about it.

“Why should he care what Brian thinks? He wasn’t there. Luke doesn’t even care about Anna at all – just Brian. I really don’t understand. My dad could probably beat Luke with a stick, and Luke would still try and win his love. It doesn’t matter what Brian says or does – if anything at all – Luke drinks it up. He’s a smart kid. I’m serious, like no other. But he doesn’t get that it won’t work. He can’t change what Dad did, and how Anna reacted. It’s done. Brian’s had fourteen years to decide that. But Luke doesn’t even think… I just don’t know…

“You know what it’s like, Acelynn… To have a parent to crush your feelings. To make you feel like dirt. To make you feel worthless. You can understand how Luke feels. That desire to get that affection back… To feel like someone cares. And that’s why Luke needs you. He knows that you feel the same – that you are the same. He needs that connection with someone that I can’t give him. Honestly, I couldn’t give a flying fuck about what Brian thinks. It’s the truth. But that’s the shitty thing; Luke needs to feel something close like that. A deeper connection with someone.

“The only difference between your mom and my dad is that your mom actually wanted to be a part of your life. Maybe it a fucked up selfish way, but she did. She wanted to watch you grow. To develop into this beautiful woman that I see today. Brian doesn’t even want to see Luke’s fucking face. He doesn’t want anything to do with him. There were a couple times that he seriously thought about giving Luke up for adoption… I know; it’s real fucked up.

“Remember when your mom told you to jump off a bridge?” Tuck asked softly. Acelynn timidly nodded. “That’s how Luke’s felt all of his life. And he can’t get over it like you did. Well, maybe you didn’t get over it, but at least you’re trying to move on. Luke’s trying to change the course of time and make it so Daddy can love him like a real father and son. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get that my dad doesn’t want him. He thinks it’s all like a test or something.

“So whatever you do, Acelynn… I need you to fucking be there for my brother. It’s selfish of me to ask that, but I can’t help it. Luke needs someone who can understand him better than even I can. And you can do that, Ace. I know you can. I’ve seen it with my own eyes – you get him. And he needs you so god-damned much… And I know you need him too.

“So promise me Acelynn; promise me that you’ll be there for Luke. You’ll be there for him for whatever and whenever. Promise me that you’re going to be with him, even when I can’t do anything at all. Especially then.” Tuck gave Acelynn a hard look. “Right now, for instance. I need you to help my brother get over my father.”

“I promise, Tuck. I swear it, I’ll be there for Luke whenever.” Acelynn replied in a strong, yet hoarse voice. “You didn’t even really need to ask, though. I love Luke with all my heart and I’d do anything for him.”

Tuck nodded slowly. He got up after a pause and stood in front of the girl. He held out a hand to help her get up. Acelynn gingerly took it and stood next to the taller boy. “But, Tuck, there’s something you should know; I’m here for you too. You have to know that. Always. One hundred percent. I’m going to be there for Luke. Always. But… you’re important to me too. You let me live with you in this house… You’ve treated me like family, and you have to know that I love you too.”

Tears fell down Acelynn’s cheeks. She looked up and saw Tuck also had his own tears in his own eyes, pregnant with whatever emotion was in his mind. The girl remembered that her hand was still in Tuck’s.

“Well, then, I think it’s only safe to warn you this time…” He murmured and took a step closer to Acelynn. “That I think I’m going to kiss you.”

And he did.

And she kissed him back.