Kill Me.

Upon arriving to work the next morning Callum realized that he was significantly less happy than he was usually. Work was a release for him, as frustrated as he tended to get, but suddenly it didn’t seem to be helping. All he could think about was Lee, and that he would have to face him today. He really didn’t want to even see the boy. Just the thought of it had his chest tightening, breathing quickening.

The boy was nice enough, sure, but he was entirely too touchy. And damn him, his terrified expression when he had hugged Callum yesterday had made him feel guilty enough to actually reciprocate. He couldn’t remember the last time he had actually cared enough about someone’s feelings to do that. Hell, just his sister and her friends touching him had him in frenzy, sprinting from the apartment.

Sitting down in his office chair Callum took a few deep breaths, ignoring the dull ache in his side fairly well. It was nothing a double-dose of Advil couldn’t fix. Despite this, he found his mind replaying the situation constantly. It wasn’t that he was terrified it would happen again, but he didn’t understand. His life wasn’t much, just a sister he didn’t particularly feel close to, and his job. Why had it even mattered that he fought so hard, he wondered. What was telling him he had to stay alive? The thoughts scared him though, he realized, in a way no man with a knife or gun ever could. If he found his answer, would he be tired of living? Would he just kill himself and end it? He really didn’t want to. He liked life, even if people around him couldn’t understand that.

Work, he told himself firmly. Do your work. The sooner he immersed himself in work, in reading the articles that people wanted in the paper, the sooner he would relax. Even in the monotony of paperwork he felt happier, liking to organize everything and know it was accomplished. He didn’t like things he couldn’t see, so no matter how many stories he’d read, and how much he complained about others not doing their job, it made him feel accomplished.

It wasn’t until lunch that he saw Lee, and, judging from the jittering way he was acting upon seeing Callum, he realized the boy felt just as awkward as he did. He stuttered out a hello with a smile, all the while keeping a look that said he was afraid Callum might punch him.

“Hey Lee,” Callum said, unconsciously turning his body so he was ready to walk away.

“How are you doing?”

“Fine. I’m taking some Advil,” he said, shrugging. Lee nodded, lapsing back into an awkward silence.

Want to go to lunch?” Lee asked even as Callum said a brief goodbye.

“Um…” Callum forced himself not to frown. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to be alone, but how safe was that, with his thoughts running amok and uncontrollable? But Lee. It was Lee and he didn’t know if he liked the idea of spending a whole lunch break with the boy. He made him do weird things, even if it was unintentional. “Yeah, I’ll go,” he agreed after a brief moment. Lee was turning him into a person, and he hadn’t felt that since junior high. He didn’t know if he liked the awkwardness that came with everything but it was better than a numb anger.

“You don’t have to, I mean if yoou already had plans…” Lee said, giving him an easy way out but Callum smiled, shaking his head.

“I’ll come. Whose car do you want to take?”

“I was actually thinking about maybe going to that place right down the street. They have really good sandwiches.” Callum nodded with easy acceptance, already starting towards the sidewalk. He let out a quiet curse halfway to the restaurant, realizing the Advil must have faded in his system.

“You have a drink on you Lee?” The boy frowned, shaking his head in concern.

“Are you ok? Do you need to sit down or should I call someone?”

“Lee, you need to chill. I’m fine. I just forgot to take some Advil.” He shrugged, grabbing two of the loose pills in his pocket and swallowing them dry. Lee watched him the rest of the way to the café, concerned. Callum thanked him with a chuckle when the boy rushed to get the door for him. As soon as they got situated in a booth a young blond walked over, smiling genially.

“Hey hun, how’re you today?” she asked, looking at Lee. “And who’s your friend?”

“Good. That’s Callum. Callum, that’s Mina.” He nodded at the waitress with a polite half-smile. She quickly took their order, as Callum had already decided on wanting a turkey sandwich, and walked away.

“So… what happened? I know you said it was a scuffle but… well you had to get stitches.”

“He had a knife on him and he got me in the side,” Callum said, shrugging. “It wasn’t too bad. More of a deep scratch than anything.” Lee looked at him with wide eyes, concerned.

“Why didn’t you just give him your wallet? Losing twenty dollars is better than dying!”

“Actually I just have two credit cards in my wallet,” he admitted with a briefly sheepish smile and Lee shook his head. “It was on principle. Some ass thought he ruled the streets after dark. Now he’s got a stab wound and an eventual jail sentence.” Callum couldn’t help but laugh at the incredulous look on Lee’s face but the younger boy didn’t actually comment.

After another moment of silence Lee changed the subject, opting instead for more harmless topics. Callum found himself surprised by just how much he was actually laughing around Lee. Even if they were quiet, half-audible noises he was still laughing and it was more than he’d done in a long time.

As Mina brought the bill out Lee reached into his wallet, insisting to pay for Callum. The older boy rolled his eyes but agreed, not worried about it. It was easy enough to slip the money back into Lee’s desk earlier. Then the boy was blushing and stuttering, saying he only had a couple of dollars. He was adorable, Callum found himself realizing, in a two-year old sort of way.

“I got it Lee. Gas money for you coming to see me yesterday,” Callum said, smiling. The boy was still refusing when Callum simply walked up to the counter, handing Mina the bill.

“You didn’t have to,” Lee said, “but thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it. Come on. I have an office full of paper work to get done.” Lee nodded, smiling.

“I’m glad you’re ok. I should have given you a ride,” Lee said quietly and Callum frowned, looking down at the boy and his guilty expression.

“I got to get out of a day of work and I’ve been much worse off than this I assure you.” It didn’t seem to calm the boy as much a Callum was expecting it to, as he suddenly seemed worried as well as guilty. “Lee it’s fine.” He nodded with an apologetic smile.

“Do you need anything? I can help you out with some errands or something,” he offered and Callum sighed, remembering once more why he found Lee to be so irritating.

“No. I’m fine Lee.” The boy looked surprised at the sharp tone of Callum’s voice but stayed quiet. Callum offered only a brief wave when they reached the Sun building and he walked to his office.