Kill Me.

Lee had never been the type to get all riled up over something – or someone – easily. He liked to think of himself as easy-going. He couldn’t honestly remember a single time he really got this mad at anyone, but for some reason, he was absolutely furious. His fingertips prickled as he gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles went white. His jaw was tightly set and his breathing was harsh. He drove fast. He felt like he could burst.

Lee didn’t know how long he drove, but however long it was, it was long enough for the sun to sink low in the sky and for his stomach to start rumbling with hunger. He sighed softly and returned home, feeling at least a little bit better. He wondered what he’d have for dinner. Maybe he’d order Thai food, he thought to himself.

He parked his car by his apartment building and walked slowly towards the front door, hands in his jacket pockets, not exactly in a hurry to get home, not in a hurry to get anywhere. He ambled through the lobby and up the stairs to his floor and was fishing his keys out of his pocket when he glanced up and froze. He felt the anger crackling beneath his skin again, annoyance swelling up and making his head pound. He set a frown on his lips and hurried to his door, eager to get in and lock everyone out.

He brushed coldly by Callum, hardly even looking at him, and went to unlock his door. He felt Callum’s eyes on him but didn’t dare turn around. He didn’t know why he was so angry at Callum, but he was and he just couldn’t deal with seeing the older boy right now.
Lee managed to get the door open and was halfway into his apartment before Callum spoke.

“Lee,” Callum said and his voice sounded pleading, almost desperate. It surprised Lee, who’d never heard Callum any less than bitter and distant.

Lee froze in his doorway, torn between wanting to slam the door shut in Callum’s face and turning and just forgiving the older boy for everything. In the end he settled for turning halfway, keeping his expression carefully blank as he eyed Callum with what he hoped was detachment.

Callum winced at Lee’s impassive expression, which was so different from his usual bright smile. Callum looked uncomfortable, unsure. He looked at a loss for words. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Lee didn’t move.

“Look, Lee, I… ah…” Callum looked uneasy, as if this were a completely new thing to him, which, if Lee were to give the matter some thought, it probably was. “I just… I…”

Lee raised an eyebrow at him. Callum chewed his lower lip and looked down at his shoes. Lee gave him a moment and then decided this wasn’t going anywhere, so he made as if to walk back into his apartment.

He’d hardly even taken a step when Callum called out to him, stopping him in his tracks.

“You’re right,” Callum said.

Lee turned around, confusion etched onto his face. “Huh?”

“This afternoon,” Callum clarified, still looking completely uncomfortable but a little surer now. “All that about my avoiding this” – Callum hesitated, and Lee could practically hear the word relationship dangling off his tongue, but Callum didn’t say it, didn’t dare say it and Lee didn’t point it out – “this… whatever it is. You’re right. I was wrong; I shouldn’t have pushed you away like that. And I just wanted to say that… I… I’m… I’m sorry.”

The last bit came out in a jumbled rush and Lee had a hard time understanding what Callum was trying to say. It took him a minute to piece everything together, but he finally got it and part of him wanted to feel happy, relieved, excited, but the other part of him wouldn’t let him. Part of him still wanted to be mad at Callum, angry at him for making things so unnecessarily difficult when everything could’ve played out so simply.

Lee stared at Callum for a long time, the conflicting feelings playing war in his head. He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t know what he wanted. He just knew he didn’t want to make a mistake that would cost him greatly later. If Callum wasn’t invested in this, why should Lee be? Lee shook his head. He needed time, space, to be alone and think. This was too much, now, here. He needed time.

“I’ll call you later,” Lee found himself saying before he stepped into his apartment and closed the door behind him. Then he stood in the middle of his apartment for five minutes without moving, wondering if that, too, had been a mistake.