Kill Me.

Lee,
I’m so very sorry about all of this, and especially that I managed to drag you into this disaster. I know I haven’t been the best boyfriend by far, or even the best person, but believe me when I say I never meant to hurt anyone, never wanted anyone dead. No matter how much I regret it, I know they will never come back and I can never make that haunted look in your eyes disappear.

You come visit me so often while I wait for my trial and you’ve still got the most sincere smile every time you hold my hand and promise me it’ll all be ok. We’ll get through this together, is what you always tell me. You promise that one day things will be better, that none of this was my fault.

I wish with everything in me that you were right. I wish I could bring back the ones I’ve killed, that I could return them to their families, but I can’t. My lawyer is honest. He says the case will be hard but I’ll get off on an insanity plea. They’ll put me in some crazy house I’m sure, though I really do need it I guess. Anyone who kills and doesn’t even know it does. Still, the families are clamoring for a death sentence or at least life in prison. They’ll be happy with nothing less. I can give them no other peace than my own death now, and through it you will be free as well. I won’t let you rot away between prison and asylum visits Lee. You’re far too brilliant for that and life will take you so far. I just wanted you to know, to understand why I have to do this.

I know I’ve always said suicide is a coward’s way out but it’s all I’ve got to offer now. It’s my only chance at reconciliation. Thank you for such an amazing few months. For the first time since I can remember I was truly happy and I finally knew what love was. You became my everything and if this could have continued, you would always be my everything.

With all my love, ALWAYS,
Callum


Callum folded the letter careful, making sure it was precisely into thirds. He ran his fingers over the fibers in a trance, smiling at the vivid memory of Lee’s bright smile. He smiled at the small noose he’d concocted from sheets to hang from his bed. They had bunks here, cold and metal, but sturdy, and he hadn’t been delivered a roommate yet.

A small part of Callum told him he should be scared, should be desperate, but instead he found himself calmer than he had been since he’d realized what he’d done. Peace was so close now, for him and Lee. His only hesitation was that he would never see such a beautiful boy again.

With steady footsteps Callum climbed to the top of the bedpost and slipped the small shank from his pocket. He’d traded the last week of meals for the little gem, a piece of near-rusted metal another man had created. Callum wasn’t entirely sure of what it was made from nor did he care. It was sharp and it would serve its purpose without complaint. He’d never been good at plans, at organization, but now he’d thought it through thoroughly. He was ready.

A deep breath was all he needed in terms of preparation. Clutching the little blade he quickly sliced it along the veins in each wrist, wincing at the shooting pain that went through his arms. He lost his balance as he finished the cut to his left wrist and let out a quiet curse as he fell forward. In the few seconds it took him to fall he’d sliced his throat as deeply as he could.

As he felt the cold begin to creep into him, contrasting starkly against the warm blood against his skin, he heard the small clink as the metal landed on the floor. He sighed in relief as the air left his lungs and he was unable to grab more. Finally the pain in his body faded just as he heard a yell for guards, for a key. He attempted to give the guard who was watching in horror a smile he was sure came out more as a grimace before the last bit of light finally faded.

Callum let out a quiet sigh as his last breath left, the suffocation and blood loss finally allowing him a permanent sleep. His only thought was that he wished he could give Lee a true apology, though this would be better than watching the boy wither under the responsibilities of caring for an insane lover. A small smlie formed at the memory of a boy with bright eyes and warm arms teaching Callum just how it felt to be loved as he faded out completely.