Who Told You to Leave Me All Alone?

The snow pelting at my window was calming as I lay in bed, the spot next to me vacant. Why, he never explained, he just...left.
I curled up into a ball under my covers and continued to let tears fall. He was everything I’ve looked for in a person, I basically gave my heart and soul to him, and it shattered.
I remember his exact words: “Christopher, it’s over. I don’t love you anymore, so just move on already.”

Just move on already. Those four words hit me harder than anything else he said to me. How could I move on when I was so hopelessly devoted, when I am hopelessly devoted, even after he said all those harsh things to me.

I sniffled and started gaining my composure small piece by small piece. I never wanted to go outside, I felt so pathetic and low, but I wanted to see if there was the slightest chance, the littlest gleam of hope, that Maika and I could talk it over and make everything better, the way it used to be.

That gave me motivation to crawl out of bed for the first time in I don’t know how long. The room was almost pitch black, aside from the little light that was peaking through the sides of my shade and the blue glow of my alarm clock. Clothes were scattered all across my floor, some of them not even mine. I tripped over a shoe that was in my way, just barely catching myself before hitting my head against my dresser. I picked myself up and flipped the light switch, the intense light burning for a little while as my eyes slowly adjusted. When the light was on I saw how much of a mess my room actually was, and how many clothes actually weren’t mine, rather they were Maika’s. I picked up all the clothes piece by piece, examining it and folding it into two different piles: mine and Maika’s. Tears threatened to fall again as I did this. This was always something I did when Maika still lived with me. I was in charge of the laundry and dishes while he did a lot of the other cleaning.

I picked up a pair of Maika’s pants and just looked at them, getting frustrated with myself. I shouldn’t be freaking out this much over him. He’s just another guy. There are plenty of other guys out there.
But he was the guy, I thought.

I gritted my teeth and balled up his pants, throwing them across the room. This is how my first breakdown started, with his clothes, which is why they’re all over the floor.
I looked, rather, glared, at the two different piles, and knocked them off my bed. Fuck cleaning, I don’t care. I put some shoes on and grabbed my car keys, going out the door to drive to Maika’s house to beg him to take me back. Without him, I’m losing my mind.
The snow speared the bare skin of my face as the wind whipped the branches of the trees whichever direction it pleased. I put up my hood, not really helpful, and tried running to the car. The wind was too strong, making me run sideways, into bushes and the fence on the side of the walkway, which was covered in about a half foot of snow. My feet were soaked all the way through, and I was shivering by the time I got to my car. I put the key in the ignition after I had to pry my frozen door open, only to find that my car wouldn’t start.

I pounded on the steering wheel. “Fuck!” I put my head down on my arms, the only sound in the cab of the car being the snow hitting various parts of the car. As if my life couldn’t get any more hectic, my car dies, in the middle of a snow storm.

I took the keys out of the ignition and opened the door, bracing myself for the fierce wind. I sighed, the breath immediately being blown away, put my keys in my pocket, and headed to Maika’s house on foot.

It was only about a ten minute walk to his house on a non-stormy day, but today it took about twenty. I almost fell countless times from black ice, and I almost went back because I couldn’t feel anything from my waist down, as well as my face. I pushed myself to keep going, though, because I was almost there.

I finally made it, and I thought I was going to die, either of anxiety or freezing to death. I reached up and knocked on his door, half hoping that he didn’t hear it. I looked in his driveway, car parked, meaning that he was home, so this wasn’t a wasted effort.
I heard him unlocking his deadbolt and doorhandle, and my heart started racing. I couldn’t stop shivering, and my boogers were frozen beyond belief.

The door knob turned and the door swung open, revealing Maika, going from a polite guy to a half annoyed, half worried to death guy.
I tried talking, but all that came out were stutters.
“Oh god, come on, Christopher, lets get you in here and warmed up.” He grabbed me, helping me walk into the house.

His house was like a sauna compared to the outside, and it felt so amazing. He sat me on his couch and went into the kitchen. I heard the microwave running; must be making some hot chocolate. Hopefully it had mini marshmallows.

My shivering went down by the time Maika was back in the room, two steamy coffee mugs in hand. He handed one to me and, as I hoped, there were little mini marshmallows floating around in it. He knew me all too well.

Neither of us said anything as we sipped our hot chocolate. It seemed to be melting the ice that felt like formed on my internal organs. My hair was thawing as well, dripping everywhere.

“Do you want a towel to dry off a little?” Maika asked, not making eye contact with me, just staring into his cup.

I shook my head. “I’ll be fine.” I spoke for the first time since I got here. I also didn’t make eye contact. I had a feeling that he was going to start yelling at me for walking in this weather for such a stupid reason.

Another silence fell over us, but Maika broke it quicker than the last one.

“So what in your right mind possessed you to walk over here, in a snow storm, the worst one of the year?” Maika asked, sounding concerned.

I sighed. “It’s been a literal hell without you, Maika. I need you in my life, I’m a wreck. I haven’t eaten in two days, I haven’t been able to sleep, hell, this is the first time I’ve been out of my house, rather, bedroom, since you left. I am still so hopelessly in love with you, and I just don’t understand how your feelings for me changed so rapidly. The day before you left me, you were acting like everything was fine, and then all the sudden you say you don’t love me anymore?” I explained, feeling tears come to my eyes as I looked right into his.

He didn’t do anything at first, he just sat there, looking back at me. I saw the guilt flash in his eyes as he finally looked away from me. His arms slowly wrapped around me soon after, and I broke down in Maika’s arms.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I did it, I was lying to myself, trying to make myself think that I wasn’t in love with you.” Maika said, rubbing my back.

“Why would you do that?” I asked, confused.

“I wanted to explore, see my other options, but when you came to my doorstep, almost frozen to death, I knew that you were my only option. I’m so sorry.” He leaned to kiss my cheek, wet with melted snow and tears. I turned my head to touch my lips to his, and it was the best feeling in the world.

“I love you so much.” I said.

“I love you, too, Christopher.” He said, kissing me again.

“It feels like weeks since we’ve been together.” I said.

“It’s only been about three days.” Maika informed me, since I didn’t keep track of day and night those days.

“Those three days were the worst days of my life.” I said.

“I’m sorry.” He said in my ear as he hugged me again.

I laughed a little. “Hey, you want me to change so you don’t get sopping wet?”

“Screw getting wet, I don’t care.” He said, scooting to sit on my lap.

We sat there like that, perfectly content with each others company.

“Hey Maika.” I said quietly, a little after we ended up laying down on the couch.

“Hmm?” He answered, looking at me.

I kissed him. “Thanks for giving me back my life.”