Be Somewhere

The stars had long since started to appear over the horizon by the time anyone bothered to considered where they would be spending the night. No one wanted to go back to Danny's house, and it was quickly agreed upon that they wouldn't go to Morgan's, either, considering it's proximity to Danny's house.

“Mine's out. Ricky's not allowed in my house,” Brad said with a touch of resigned regret. Instead of affirming this by offering up his customary snarky reply, Ricky only let the corners of his mouth turn up in an almost-smile. It was obvious that his mind was somewhere miles away.

“Look at the stars, baby,” his mother whispered as she held him close to her side. “Those little sparkling lights will give you any answer you want if you think long enough. Let them guide you, baby. They won't do you no wrongs or tell you no lies.”

Ricky pressed himself closer to her and yawned. Moments like these were rare with her. Ever since his parents had started fighting, she had been drinking more and more, which only succeeded in making her angrier and angrier.

That just made them fight even more.

She never seemed to realize, that for all the questions she begged the stars for the answers to, they would only continue to look down strait at her: the problem. It seemed as though she were incapable of comprehending that she herself held the key to the solution.

“My house is as good of an option as any. Neither Lily or Tucker's parents will want the same sex sleeping together in the same room. Mine won't really care, so, it seems like the best option as far as I can tell.”

Lily stared at him for a moment or two, and then sighed when his face revealed nothing of the thoughts that were swirling in his head. The night wasn't cold, but the occasional wind made it seem as though a deathly chill was seeping into their bones. It was obvious that this night was going to be an extremely long one.

“Are you sure that you want to go to your house, Ricky?” Danny asked quietly. A soft crease of concentration was visible on Ricky's forehead for a split second before his uncertainty was hidden behind a stoic mask once again. “We would all understand if you wanted to go somewhere else instead,” he prodded gently.

“I'm sure we'll be fine.”

No one decided to press the manner as Ricky stood. The others followed suit and soon they were on their way back to his house. Nervous laughter rested in the air from everyone except for Danny and Ricky, whose minds were looking to the past to survey the likelihood of the past becoming the future.

The odds looked rather good.

When they got to the front yard, Ricky just stopped dead in his tracks. It didn't take the rest of the group very long to see why. A police car was parked in the driveway. The lack of lights and the silence of the sirens made it seem like the car was at home there.

As Ricky's shallow breathing filled the air, all other sounds faded. Birds in the trees stopped their tuneful singing when the automatic porch lights flickered on as they detected their fidgeting. Ricky stopped breathing altogether for a second, and then the silence was absolute. he shut his eyes as the screen door swung open with a creak befitting a horror movie.

“Ricky?” His mother asked with her cracking voice. Slowly, he forced his open his eyes met her tearful gaze. There was a moment or two where she simply stared at him, waiting for some sort of acknowledgement. His cold glare was the only reply he was willing to give at that moment, but she didn't seem to understand that that was all he would be giving her. “Don't you ever run off like that again! I was terrified!”

With a few more mutterings of her concern, she rushed over to wrap him in a hug. In a manner that was contradictory to his normally passive aggressive nature, he rejected her touch with a displeased grunt. His mother dropped her hands and then froze with the understanding of the rejection that was giving the air a distinct chill.

“I have some friends here to spend the night,” he stated in a tone that portrayed nothing but boredom. No hint of warm emotion could be felt in the words; instead they were cold and dull.

“Of course,” she whispered as tears carved their way down the lines of her face. For the first time that Ricky could remember, he actually saw his mother in the woman standing before him. Behind the tearstained jade eyes, and hidden between the creases on her face that pain had designed; there she was. It seemed like she had been there all along, just hiding.

He motioned for the rest of the teens to head into the house. Under normal circumstances, he never would have chanced it, but a police officer was present in the household. No matter who it was that was entering the house, Richard would not dare harm them so long as that car was in the driveway. Danny dragged Brad into the house by his wrist and the others took the hint and followed of their own accord. All except Ricky, who stayed firmly rooted to the spot.

When everyone had disappeared into the depths of the house, Ricky's exterior cracked for a second and he allowed a tear to find it's way out of the eyes that he had inherited from his mother. It was rather humorous to him: jaded jade eyes. Upon noticing the tears, his mother took a cautious step towards him. After seeing that he showed no signs of disapproval, she stepped towards him again and again until she was close enough to touch him.

Carefully, watching for his reaction, she gently placed the tips of her fingers on his shoulders. Immediately he tensed, but after a moment of getting used to the feeling, he relaxed again. For the second time that night, she attempted to hug him, only this time he accepted the embrace.

“I'm sorry mom,” Ricky whispered into her shoulder. She tried to pull away so that she could look into his eyes, but he clung to her as if someone was trying to suck the soul from out between his ribs.

“What do you have to be sorry for, honey? You haven't done anything.” She felt the tears as they started to soak through her blouse and she got a nasty feeling in the pit of her stomach. “Honey, what are you going to do?” He kissed her on the cheek, and without another word, followed his friends inside. The door swished shut as opposed to slamming or creaking; something that troubled her greatly. Reluctantly, she followed her son and watched as he slowly walked up the stairs to where his friends were waiting on the landing. "Ricky?!"

Ricky heard his mother shouting his name, but he didn't turn around to face her. He sighed as he heard her scuttle off to the kitchen to tell his stepfather and the police officer that they had undoubtedly called to the scene that he was home. It was a surprise to him that they had informed anyone that he had left. That type of family conflict was normally one that they would want to keep inside the four walls.

Their voices could be heard travelling up the stairs and Ricky winced as the policeman shut the door behind him. Richard's ranting about his taking off and the position it could have put their family in made him shut his eyes and bite his lip to avoid shouting back. Someone grabbed his arm gently and he instantly flinched and pulled away; almost tripping over his own feet as he did so. He opened his eyes to see Lily staring at him with hurt in her eyes. Instead of apologizing, he simply brushed past her.

"Ricky? We need to talk," She called after him as he continued on his way to his room. Once, he considered glancing back at her, but he saw no point to it. "Ricky?" Her voice was on the edge of hysterics and he could tell that she was about to cry. For a moment, he paused and thought about turning around but he dismissed this notion as quickly as he had the first. "God damnit, Ricky! Don't you dare shut me out like this! Don't you dare let me in just to shut me out again."

"Again?" Ricky whipped around with his eyes flashing. "I never shut you out before. I came back from boarding school to find out that the girl I thought was my best friend couldn't even look me in the eye anymore because her new best friend, Alyssa, couldn't stand me. Don't you dare try and guilt trip me about this shit. Don't you dare say that I'm shutting you out again. As far as I can tell, I'm only repaying the favour you were once so kind as to show me."

"I loved you, Ricky! How dare you insinuate that I abandoned you! I woke up one day to have my father tell me that my best friend had just disappeared during the night and no one could tell me where you had gone. Yeah, after a while I made new friends."

"And left Brad to the wolves? Seeing this hasn't changed you a bit, has it? You're still a little bitch pulling the 'poor me' act and that's all you'll ever be. Don't you ever fucking say that you love me or that you ever did. You were fucking seven then, and from the looks of things, you haven't really matured all that much."

"How dare you?" She screeched back.

"Like this," he replied with an impersonal smirk. Turning around to face his original direction, he started to head towards his room once again. When she called after him again, he stopped but didn’t reply.

“You know what I find strange, Ricky? You can’t have an actual connection with anyone. The second that anyone gets a tiny bit close to you or you let them in even a little bit, you shut down, push them away, and shut them out. As much as you hate sympathy, Ricky, I feel sorry for you. Not only because of all the shit other people force you to go through, but for the shit you put yourself through when you don’t even realize it. You’re horribly alone and I feel so unbelievably sorry for you.”

Ricky didn’t move; didn’t turn around. He refused to show the emotion that she had stirred in him. In his opinion, she wasn’t entitled to that type of information despite what she said. Then it occurred to him: she was right. His refusal to let anyone in had left him isolated beyond belief. Tears threatened to fall as another thought occurred to him. There wasn’t a chance that he was going to change his habits either.

Ricky continued into his room, not giving her the satisfaction of a glance from his hurt eyes. There wasn’t a hope that he could hide the emotion written on his face, so the second he knew that Lily had followed him into his room, he stepped into the bathroom for a moment to compose himself. Muttering several words, he pulled out the blades from where he had hidden them last time. For a second, he almost stopped himself, but after a moment of careful thought he saw no reason not to. He pulled his skinny jeans off and quickly ran the blade over old cuts behind his kneecaps before putting his pants back on.

When he stepped back into his room, his friends looked at his bare arms sceptically. They found it hard to believe that he could go this long without harming himself in some way. He returned their glances with a harsh glare of his own before turning around to find some pillows and blankets for everyone to use. At Danny’s gasp, Ricky knew that he had been caught. He looked down to see that the blood was starting to seep through his jeans and form a discoloured purple on the back of his blue skinnies.

“We can talk about it tomorrow, okay? I’m exhausted,” Ricky sighed as he yanked pillows and blankets to the floor before flopping down beside them. The others begrudgingly obliged and sat next to him. Brad turned off the lights before choosing a spot on the other side of the room next to Danny. Both of his close friends were angry with him, and Ricky could feel it.

It felt like hours that they had all been asleep; all except for Ricky. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t force himself to fall asleep. His eyes begged for rest, but his brain simply wouldn’t allow. As quietly as he could, he pulled himself off of the floor and slipped out of the room.

The entire house was silent and Ricky tried his best to keep it that way as he slowly headed down the stairs and into the kitchen. His parents had forgotten to turn off the lights, and for that, he was thankful. In as silent a manner as he could pull off, he opened the fridge and took out one of the coolers that was always hidden in the vegetable drawer. He had only just gotten the lid off when he heard something that stopped him dead in his tracks.

“What are you doing?” Ricky turned around to stare at Lily blankly; the bottle still in his hand. With her eyes widening, her hand flew to cover her gaping mouth. In a few strides she had crossed the room and had taken the bottle from Ricky. Before he even had a chance to protest, she was pouring the alcohol down the sink.

“I can’t believe that you would do this. You promised Danny and Brad that you wouldn’t. You promised them, Ricky.” Her voice wasn’t so much scolding as it was disappointed. While he heard her words of disapproval, he hung his head with the shame that was growing in his gut. After he had already disappointed them by cutting, he did this? Two promises broken in one night: spectacular. “If you promise not to leave the room again, I won’t tell them about this.”

“I promise,” he whispered. She nodded and grabbed his hand. Slowly, as to avoid making noise once again, they made their way up the stairs. This time; each perfectly aware of the other’s presence. The two sat right beside each other and before Ricky could dispute it, Lily leaned against him and snuggled into his chest. He was bewildered, but he didn’t try to remove her. Instead, he went to sleep; just as he had promised.