Cherish the Memories

Cherish (chair-ish) v:

1. To hold or treat as dear; feel love for; to cherish one’s native land.
2. To care for tenderly; nurture: to cherish a child.
3. To cling fondly to: to cherish a memory.

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Over the course of someone’s life, they deal with a lot of things. Some people deal with the pain of heartbreak, others deal with the joys of love; some deal with the pain of losing someone special to them, while others deal with getting someone special. Some people deal with loneliness while other people have to deal with never being alone.

Jillian Montgomery was one of those people who got everything; the whole she-bang, if you will.

Jillian, at the tender age of only twenty-three, had been through it all. Two years ago, Jillian could tell you what it was like to love someone so much it hurt. She could tell you what it was like to have that someone special and she couldn’t tell you what it was like to be alone. “Alone” was just another one of those words Jillian had never had to know the meaning of.

Now, as she sat in the pew of her Riley’s church watching her friend and relative marry the person they loved Jillian couldn’t help but feel a little lonely. She clapped her hands and smiled as the events unfolded before her. She shed a tear as her cousin said “I do” to her husband to be. Of course, as she was seated in the pews of the church, she couldn’t help but feel a little bad; she couldn’t help but feel a little jealousy take over her as the happy couple paraded back down the aisle, ready to celebrate. She couldn’t help the jealousy, because one year ago, that should have been her.

One year ago, Jillian was making the wedding plans with her husband-to-be. A year ago, she was happy, in love, and never lonely. A year ago, Jillian had her life planned out. She had a job, a fiancé, and a future. Until one day, it all came crashing down around her. Nothing was as it seemed anymore.

As Jillian thought of the events that happened over a year ago, she inhaled a large breath of air and almost lost her happy exterior. She was getting that familiar sense of panic that overcame her when she thought of that day. After a few deep breaths, she had calmed down enough to think back.

She remembered the joy in everyone who surrounded her. No one could wait for the day of the wedding. Jillian was becoming anxious, Josh was getting excited. Patience was a thing of the past for the almost newlywed couple.

October 24 was the set date. It was October 15. He said he’d be back in an hour, hour and a half tops. He just had to go pick up his tuxedo from the rental place. She smiled and gave him a kiss. As she pulled back, his blue eyes sparkled. Hers were sparkling too, she was almost sure of it. “I love you,” he said and she returned the gesture. Then he left. Had she known the unexpected rain shower was going to cause the highway to be so slippery, she would have gone with him. Had she known the black Ford F-150 was going to lose control as it passed him on the highway, Jillian wouldn’t have allowed him to go. So many things she wished she could have done, and yet didn’t.

The months following his death were the worst. Jillian went into a complete and total shutdown. She locked everybody out of her life, save for her parents and her best friend Matt. Only those three were the ones allowed around her for at least a month after it happened. She couldn’t function properly. Nothing was as it seemed anymore. Her once golden blonde hair was dyed a dark brown, almost coal black, color to fit her mood. Her shining blue eyes were now a dull gray. The smile that used to be permanently attached to her lips was gone, and to her friends and family, it was as if it were never going to return.

The memories were now flying through her brain at high-speed, something she hadn’t allowed to happen in awhile. One in particular stood out at the moment. It was a conversation she had with Matt about three months after Josh’s death. She was standing in the middle of the house she and Josh had purchased together. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her black sweatshirt covered torso. “What am I supposed to do?” she had asked her best friend, tears welling in her eyes.

Matt Flyzik, trying to be the most supportive and caring friend he could be, wrapped an arm around her and said, “Sell this place, first of all. You obviously aren’t comfortable living here anymore. So just sell it and buy a new apartment.”

She had been shocked at first. Sell the house she and Josh had worked so hard to buy? Was he insane? But the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to do it. She couldn’t stand being in the house. She couldn’t stand the memories. It was all too much.

Jillian brought herself back to the moment and hurried out of the church, trying to stop the flood of memories. She concentrated on her newlywed cousin climbing into the limo that would take her to the reception. She sighed. “Only a few more hours of this torture,” she murmured to herself and then went off in search of her own car.

***

As Jill drove to the wedding reception, she kept having visions of Matt. All the times he stayed at her apartment until the wee hours of the morning, stroking her dark hair that had faded to a nasty, stale brown color, until she stopped crying. All the times he would stop by her house to check on her. And then of course, their kiss—

She shook the thought away abruptly and concentrated on the road. She worried if she thought about the random kiss the two of them shared, she would wreck her car.

Soon, the sound of the gravel in the parking lot of the reception hall could be heard. She pulled into an empty parking spot and parked, then climbed out of her car. After she readjusted her navy blue bubble dress and smoothed out the creases, she took a look in her side mirror. She smiled and smoothed her now chocolate brown hair down. “Is this happy enough?” she asked herself as she posed another fake smile on her lips. It looked forced much like most of her smiles did these days, but it would have to do.

When she got inside the hall, she noticed she was slightly late. She snuck in unnoticed and stood in the back, not moving, as the speech being given by Jill’s cousin and Riley’s brother took place. She listened and smiled, laughed at the appropriate times, and even shed a few tears; whether they were happy tears for Riley’s sake or if they were sad tears for her own sake, Jill couldn’t be sure.

When the speech was over, she hurried to find her table. Of course, she was seated next to Matt. Technically, Matt was her date. She had to bring a date, and Matt was available and willing. He was also the only person Jillian knew that could help her keep it together throughout the entire wedding. “You’re late,” he said to her as she sat down.

She just nodded, grabbing his glass of water and taking a sip.

“I was worried you weren’t going to come.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

Matt shrugged and laid his hand on her arm. “Hey,” he said gently as a way of getting her to look at him. She did. “Just let me know as soon as you want to leave, alright?”

She nodded and smiled. “Thank you,” she mouthed to him.

After the food and the cake, it was time for the first dance. Suddenly, Jill was overtaken with memories. She remembered all of her and Josh’s firsts. She remembered what they were going to dance to. She remembered all the little, stupid, finer details of the wedding. She thought she was going to vomit.

Matt noticed. “Do you want to leave?”

She shook her head. “If I don’t suck it up now at this wedding when I have you here to help me, I’ll never be able to go to another wedding in my life.”

Matt gave her a skeptical look, but didn’t argue.

As the DJ announced that it was time for the newlywed’s first dance, everyone clapped. A spotlight shone on the happy couple as the song they had picked out started to play. Jillian didn’t recognize it, but it didn’t matter. It was the fact that a first dance was taking place; this was supposed to be a happy moment, not something that absolutely tore her apart.

When the dance was over, Jillian stood. “I think—” she started to say, but then stopped. A song started playing over the speakers and it almost took Jill’s breath away. It was their song. It was the song she and Josh were supposed to dance to at their wedding; the wedding that would never be.

“Jill?” Matt asked, worried about his friend.

She looked at him, her face pale. “This was our song.”

Matt nodded. He knew; he had heard the stories. After Josh’s death, Jillian couldn’t help but dissect every decision they had made as a couple, wondering if they had gone with a different entrée would she be where she was, which was alone? It tore Matt apart seeing her like that; he just wanted to hug her and kiss her until she wasn’t sad anymore. He wanted to make it all better.

“I know this is hard Jill, but will you dance with me?”

She gave him a terrified look. “Are you crazy?”

He shook his head and his lip ring glimmered in the light. “No, I just want you to be ok again.” He grabbed her hand and took her out onto the floor, holding her close. “I know you feel alone and you’re scared and hurt, but I want you to know you are never alone,” he whispered in her ear as they swayed back and forth.

A tear slipped down her cheek. She didn’t want to cry, but she was becoming overwhelmed with emotions. She felt this longing for both Josh and Matt and she didn’t know who to choose. She didn’t want to give up Josh and forget him; she didn’t want to move on because she was afraid to. At the same time, she didn’t know if she could give up Matt and continue to function properly. She needed him more than air at this point.

“Matt,” she practically whispered to him. “I’m really fucking scared.”

He just nodded. “I know you are, but at least you don’t have to be alone.”

He was right, but she was afraid to move on. “I don’t know if I can do it,” she admitted. “I don’t want to forget him.”

“Just because you move on doesn’t mean you have to forget, Jill. Moving on is healthy. Forgetting doesn’t have to be involved.”

“I don’t want to forget, but I need you Matt. I need you more than you realize.”

He kissed her forehead. “I know you do, and that’s why I’m not going anywhere.”

I’m not going anywhere, she thought to herself. She repeated this statement to herself over and over again, and suddenly she realized something. “I don’t know if you know this or not, but I’ve been looking for a sign ever since Josh died.”

“What kind of sign?”

“A sign that would show me it was okay to move on. Honestly, I think I just found it. I think I’m moving on… or trying to at least.”

She knew that what she was doing with Matt, whatever you wanted to call it… it was her way of moving on but not forgetting. She couldn’t forget. She could never forget. She could only cherish the time, the love, the memories… all of it, every single piece.

Matt smiled at her and she returned the smile. This time, it wasn’t forced. This time, she felt the tiniest bit of happiness. She was going to cherish that for as long as she possibly could.

Now, it was almost like Jillian was living in her after life so to speak. Before, she had Josh. Once she lost Josh, she wasn’t really living. It was like she was alive and going through the motions of her life, but she wasn’t really there; she wasn’t really feeling anything. Then she had Matt; Matt, who put her back together. Matt, who made her feel like she had a life worth living. Matt who made her open her eyes to a new paradise, a new life that she could live without feeling so much hurt. For that, she loved him. She cherished him. She needed and relied on him more than she ever had with anyone else ever before.

She stopped him before he pulled away from their dance. “I love you,” she whispered quietly.

He smiled and kissed her forehead. “I love you too.”

That was all they said. That was all they needed to say.

Because right then, right in that moment, they had love, and they were prepared to cherish it for as long they possibly could.