Everything Is Just...Blank.

I sat on the front porch for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and trying to shake the anger I still was feeling in the pit of my stomach. It just wouldn’t leave me. It’s hard, I understand why everyone doesn’t want me to be angry about the whole Nick and Selena situation- they had been through it before and from what I’ve heard and seen, it was world war III for a long time. They didn’t deserve to have to go through that again, dodging bullets and trying not to get hit in the crossfire of our attacks on each other. But then again, I am upset. I feel betrayed. It’s like this is happening for the first time for me. So do I fight like it is the first time, all over again? Or do I use my acting skills and pretend to not be bothered. I knew instantly what the old me would do, retreat and become tight lipped over the whole dilemma. But the real me, the person I’m only just starting to show would let my voice and feelings be heard. I mean it’s like that quote in a way. “Don’t apologize for stating your feelings, that would be like apologizing for telling the truth.” Who ever said that had a point, sure the truth can hurt but we’ve always been taught to tell the truth, ever since we were old enough to lie. And honestly, what happened was really shitty for me. I deserve to be in bitch mode for this don’t I?

“What are you thinking about?” a deep voice asked from the walkway in front of me. “What?” I asked snapping out of my debate with myself. “Kerstin your eyes were squinted and your lips were moving like you were talking to yourself. That always means you’re thinking.” I leaned back on my hands, feeling the rough chipped wood beneath my clammy palms. “I hadn’t noticed.” I said breathing out a breath I had been holding. “After 14 years of having you around the house, I pick up on these things. You will too in time.” He said sitting beside me. “Where were you last night Kev?” I asked letting my curiosity get the best of me. “Well I wasn’t going to hang out with you losers all night. I spent the night at Danielle’s.” He said in a teasing tone that made me role my eyes. “I wish I could have gone with you.” I said in a serious tone picking at the paint that was starting peel due to the heat of the summer. “Why do you say that? Did something happen?” He asked getting concerned. “The house is okay right?” He asked standing up getting worried and I had to giggle. He looked at me before walking in calling out to his brothers. Well guess I should go in now.

I walked in and shut the heavy oak double doors behind me. “No Kevin, nothing happened to the house or your guitar collection okay?” I heard Nick saying with annoyance. There was that anger again boiling from the pit of my stomach. I slowly crept my way into the back half of the house where everyone was. My feet no longer sticking to the floor as they did last night and earlier this morning allowed me to appear without being noticed. “Then what the hell happened? Kerstin didn’t seem to thrilled out there.” Kevin said stretching his neck to make sure all the windows were intact. “She remembered the break up last night and got wasted. Found her alone with Aaron.” He said with a sigh. I was surprised that his anger from before had disappeared. “Aaron? Like Aaron, asshole Aaron?” He asked in disbelief. “Yea, you know Kev I got so worried and pissed at the same time I almost didn’t know what to do.” He said looking up from the windex he had been using on the flat surfaces to wipe away the spilled beers from last night. “Yea, but Nick punched him square in the face. It was totally awesome!” Josh said while wrapping up the vacuum chord. “Nicholas…” Kevin started while rubbing his temples. His tone was filled with disappointment. I leaned against the doorway, trying to decide when I should make my presence known. “What Kevin!? What the hell was I supposed to do!? Let him do that to her all over again! Fuck that, sure I’m pissed at her but I would never walk away and put her in danger like that!!” He shouted dropping the rag on the ground after twisting it around in his hands while he ranted. He plopped down on the couch taking a breath. “Look, Nick, I guess you had the right intentions but you could have gone about it without hitting the guy.” Kevin said with a stern look. “Kevin you have no idea what you’re even talking about. You don’t even know what- you know what, never mind.” Nick said standing.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up seeing Joe smiling down on me and I returned it. “Oh Kevin when did you get here!?” He asked genuinely happy to see his older brother. “About twenty minutes ago” he said twisting around and noticing me with Joe. Nick looked over to and starred at me for a brief second before bending down to get the rag he had just dropped out of anger. “Joe! I’m ready when you are!” Came a girl’s voice from behind me. I stiffened and twisted around as Joe quickly retracted his hand from around my shoulders. “Kara come here!” He said motioning to her. I smiled at her, she was beautiful. She was tanned and from what I could see toned. She had big brown eyes that matched her long brown wavy hair. Her legs seemed to go on for days and she got here in a quick two steps. “Kara you know Kerstin. Kerstin this is Kara.” He said introducing us, for me the first time. “Hey.” Was all she said while her eyes bore into mine. It was like she was trying to see into my mind through my eyes, to see if I really had no memory of her at all. “Hi, It’s really nice to meet you” I said happily anyway. “Um yea, this is weird.” She said laughing a bit before turning to Joe, “Are you ready babe? I’m hungry!” she said in a teasing tone I saw Joe’s whole face smile before kissing her on the lips. “I’m ready.” He turned to me caught me staring at the two of them, seeming to be so happy. “Tink wanna come?” He asked I saw Kara look up at him with not the nicest look before fixing her face to look at mine with friendly features. “Um, no thanks. I’m not hungry.” I said smiling at them. “Alright then if you aren't here when I get back I’ll text you okay?” He asked and I nodded before telling him to leave.

“Wow that was nice.” Josh said from the couch sipping a bottle of water. “What?” I asked looking to him waiting for him to explain himself to me. “Usually you two can’t even be in the same room. You both start fighting over Joe like he’s the last slice of pizza in the entire world.” I laughed at his choice of words while everyone seemed to agree. “Well I don’t remember that.” I said as Selena came into the room, her hair wet and smelling freshly of strawberry kiwi shampoo. She looked to me with a smile that I didn't return, then she sat while sighing next to nick on the couch. “Do you guys want to make breakfast?” Demi suddenly asked feeling the tension in the room. “Yea, sounds like a great idea!” Josh said jumping up and heading towards the kitchen, Demi stopped in front of me. “Wanna help? You were always the best at the pancake flipping.” She said with a sincere smile. I laughed before responding, “Actually I was going to try and talk with Nick.” I said loud enough and mainly to him. He looked up from the TV before looking back again. “Good luck.” Demi whispered before heading to the kitchen. “Nick?” I asked and he looked again in my direction. “Can we?” I asked. He looked to Selena and I rolled my eyes. She nodded for him to go with me and I had to suppress the bitter comment that was threatening to come up out of my mouth. “Yea, basement?” He asked opening the door in the hall. “Sure.” I said walking down the stairs that were revealed to me. The light flickered on as I felt the cold air hit my skin. Goose bumps spread like wild fire over my arms and I instantly crossed my arms.

I looked around. The smell of vanilla and honey filled my nostrils and I smiled, closed my eyes, and inhaled. I remembered the scent and it was comforting. I opened my eyes and looked around. There was big brown leather couches that made you feel comfortable by just looking at them. A huge screen TV with book shelves on each side filled with DVDs. The walls were filled with old concert and movie posters. I ran my fingers over the autographed Stevie Wonder one. “My man Nick Jonas, it was a pleasure sharing the stage with you and look forward to doing so again in the near future. Keep believing things you don’t understand. Your friend, Stevie Wonder.” I smiled at the line from the song Superstitious. I jumped when I heard a drum beating. I swung around and noticed he wasn’t here anymore. I followed the sound to the other side of the stairs. It was bigger on this side. The room was fully equipped with musical instruments. In the corner I noticed a stereo system with huge speakers and amps crowding it. Guitar picks were all over the place with sheet music, some crumpled up and some pinned to the walls. Nick started bashing all of the drums at once getting my attention, but I clearly didn’t have his. “NICK!” I shouted and he stopped to look at me, “Do you have to do that!?” I asked bitterly and he smiled before answering simply with a “Yes.” “This place is really cool.” I admitted letting my curiosity get the best of me, I was interested in the white piano in the corner. “Thanks, it wasn’t always finished, we used to rollerblade down here when it rained outside.” He informed me and I bit my lip. I hated that he knew more of my memories than I ever will.

“So you wanted to talk?” He asked lightly starting a beat again on the drum. “Um yea, look I wanted to explain myself from my anger last night and today.” I explained and he nodded his head telling me to go on. I starred at the stick that wasn’t missing a beat. “Well Nick, I know you’ve been through this situation before, but you have to understand I just saw it for the first time last night. So you can understand why I was so upset right? I mean it was like me finding out for the first time all over again last night. And I know you and everyone has already been through us fighting over this, but I haven’t. And I’m not going to apologize for how I’m feeling, because that would be like apologizing for telling the truth, and that’s dumb. So sure, I’m going to be angry and pissed at you, but honestly you deserve it.” I said calmly. The beat never stopped and he never stopped looking at the drum. “Well?” I asked him a little loud to get his attention over the drum. “Kerstin I’m sorry. I keep getting frustrated you aren’t remembering things, and it isn’t fair that I’ve been taking it out on you, after all I was the one who didn’t catch you. I just have to work on thinking before I get angry, it’s never been a good skill of mine.” I was starring a the drum stick moving quickly and softly against the drum below it. “Nick?” I asked in a small voice I almost didn’t think he had heard me. “Yea?” he asked adding an extra beat now into the tapping. “What happened with Aaron?” He stopped the beat and clenched the stick in his hand. I watched as his knuckles turned white. “Nick?” I asked again. “Kerstin, I don’t want to talk about it.” He said standing up and placing the stick diagonally across the circled drum. “Okay, but Nick you’re the only one apparently that knows, I mean that’s what Joe told me, and you said so to Kevin upstairs. I’m assuming Josh doesn’t know, please Nick you’re the only one and I have a right to know!” I said following him to the other side of the basement.

He sat down on the couch and ran his hands over his face and through his hair. I smiled knowing I had convinced him. I sat on the foot rest across from him. “Nick?” I asked quietly. “Kerstin are you sure you want to know?” He asked looking me in the eyes. They were filled with sadness and weakness. I only nodded my head yes. “Alright, well we were in his house at a party for Halloween. We were broken up, I was there with Miley and you were there with Aaron.” He said, “What was I?” I asked wanting to know. He looked at me. “Why does that matter?” He asked caught off guard, “It’s just nice to know as much as I can.” I said shrugging. “You were Pocahontas. But that doesn’t matter. No one really liked Aaron, he was full of himself and honestly a dick to girls. I have no idea what you ever saw in him and I don’t think I ever will-“ “He was the opposite of you.” I answered bluntly. “What?” Nick asked. “I dated him because he was the opposite of you.” I explained knowing the answer. Any girl would know that.

“Oh, well anyway, He was acting weird towards you all night. I mean he was touchy feely with you all the time but tonight he was all over every second. Honestly, I couldn’t handle seeing a guy like that on you so I went my own way through his house and left you with him. I shouldn’t have done that though.” He said running his hands over face again. “Nick, it’s okay you-“ “No Kerstin it isn’t! When I saw you again that night you couldn’t even stand. You were so gone and it wasn’t like you to be like that. Your eyes were struggling to stay open and you couldn’t hold your head up. It was like you were the walking dead Kers. I asked you if you were alright and your eyes, they just looked lifeless. Aaron scooped you up and carried you upstairs telling me to mind my own god damn business. But something didn’t feel right. I waited about ten minutes before going up stairs.” That’s where he stopped. I all of the sudden felt sick. My forehead started tingling with pins a needles and my hands were shaking. My breathing was shallow and I didn’t want to know what happened next anymore. “Kers I walked up and the door was locked, I heard struggling on the other side and I, I,” “Nick! Stop! I don’t want to hear anymore.” I said collapsing into myself.

He pulled me over into the couch with him and hugged me. I cried. I cried so much. He shushed me and cradled me back and forth. “Kers, nothing happened. I broke down the door before he could get his pants off. But we’re all pretty sure he drugged you. Demi says she thinks she saw him slip a white pill into your drink but she was drunk and can’t exactly remember. You got tested the next day and it came up you had been drugged but nothing else happened. I stopped it before it could.” I took a few calming breaths before pushing away from him. “Thank you.” I said wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tightly. He hugged me back and whispered in my ear, “I’m here for ya Kers.” The sound of the door opening had us pulling away.

“Hey you two, great to see your alive…we didn’t hear anymore yelling or drum playing so we thought you killed each other.” Joshua said and I laughed wiping my eyes. “Shut up Josh.” Nick said standing. He helped me stand while he asked, “Is breakfast ready yet?” “Yea, I put extra sugar in yours bud.” Josh said before running up the stairs. “God, he’s annoying” Nick said and I looked confused, “I’m a diabetic Kers.” He said pointing to the pod on his lower back. “Oh wow, I’m sorry Nick .” I said looking at the pod. “Don’t be, I’ve grown with it and I’ve helped people. It’s been a blessing in disguise I guess.” I nodded as he started up the stairs.

There was so much I didn't know and I'm starting to think I don't want to know it all.